Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or anything therein. No profit was made, etc. etc. etc.
Chapter Five
Remus' transformation was rather uneventful. The werewolf remained sleeping, curled up at the end of Severus' bed while the Potions master sat beside him, reading a book and running a hand over his fur from time to time. His body was exhausted from the injuries he had suffered days prior. So rather than bound around like an energetic wolf, he contented himself to sleeping. The bed was warm and comfortable enough for him to rest, for which Remus was extremely grateful. At the conclusion of the moon, Remus transformed back, howling in pain and collapsing into a weak heap on the floor. Severus took care to robe him and place him back in bed for recuperation.
As Remus had slept during the course of his transformation, he needed only to build up his strength. The lycanthrope spent a full day in Severus' bed sleeping. That night, he rose, ate a bowl of soup, and afterwards began dressing.
"Are you well?" Severus asked from where he sat in his chair beside the fire, watching Remus climb back into his garments.
"A little run down, but nothing that a little more sleep won't fix." Remus answered, tugging the sleeves of his shirt into place.
Severus took a breath and frowned. "Leaving, are you?" He asked as he rose and replaced the book he had been holding in his hands back onto the bookshelf.
Remus looked over his shoulder at the Potions master. "Yes, I should be off."
There was a long silence that spread through the room. Remus pulled on his socks as he sat on the edge of Severus' bed, listening to the crackling of the fire. Severus' face was dark and thoughtful as he stood near the shelves of books, parting his lips every so often. It seemed to the lycanthrope as if his companion was meaning to say something. "Severus?" Remus asked curiously as he slipped into his shoes and buckled the belt to his pants.
He did not speak right away. Instead he took a deep breath and swallowed before his lips parted once more. "Perhaps you might think about staying." Severus said slowly and deliberately. His black eyes were as dark as ever, his expression still firmly set. "Having you here would be far easier than me having to seek you out and make house calls." Severus saw his companion was still in silent debate. "You would be fed and clothed and healthier in appearance, I would make sure of that." He added, sounding very businesslike in tone.
"I don't know, Severus." Remus returned, feeling his insides prickle. The impromptu invitation had come as quite a surprise to him and his mind flew as he tried to grasp an acceptable answer. On the one hand, he was very comfortable within the walls of the Potions master's room. The stones Hogwarts was made of were familiar and safe, even the wolf inside him acknowledged this, growing a bit tamer inside. If he stayed, he would be taken care of. However, Remus wondered inwardly whether Severus' vow of improving his welfare was out of genuine concern or just to keep people from wondering whether or not he was doing his duty. While transformed, Remus thought he had seen a glimmer of something else in Severus, but now he was not sure. For the first time in his life, the lycanthrope wished he was at that moment a werewolf, if only to see whether or not the Potions master's demeanor would change.
The corners of Severus' mouth puckered more than usual. "You're unsure, Lupin?" He asked.
After hearing the Potions master refer to him by his last name, his heart immediately sank within his chest. Perhaps calling him "Remus" had been an accident that Severus was unaware he had made. Remus wrapped the threadbare scarf around his neck tightly. "Yes, I am." He returned, though whether he was affirming his confusion about Severus' invitation to stay or his uncertainty about internal affairs, Remus was not sure.
Severus raised an eyebrow at him. "What is it that you're unsure of?" He asked.
Remus' mind was reeling, so many questions suddenly popping up. "What would I do here all day? I couldn't teach. I don't even think it would be wise to venture outside to where anyone would see me." He said. "Furthermore, I wouldn't be earning my keep, which isn't fair to you at all. Besides, where is it that I would sleep?"
"You act like getting another mattress isn't an easy thing to do." Severus replied with his voice drenched in sarcasm. Remus wondered whether he was getting on the Potions master's nerves or whether there was some other reason for the sudden iciness and bite to his tone.
"Look, Severus," Remus said as evenly as he could, "I just don't want to be a burden to anyone. And that's what I feel would happen. I'm sorry." He apologized.
Severus turned away, letting a deep long sigh rattle through his throat. Remus could tell that his companion was annoyed. Had he embarrassed the Potions master by refusing his offer? Perhaps it was better he go back to living in his meager apartment near Hyde Park. That way, he would not be hurting anyone inadvertently. Severus could give him his potion during meetings just as had previously been the case.
With a heavy heart, Remus pulled on his jacket, thrusting his hands into the half sewn pockets. "Thank you for what you did, Severus." He managed through the hot hard lump that had formed in his throat. The burning he was feeling from it brought stinging tears to his eyes that Remus blinked away in pain. Turning without another word, he took the doorknob in his hands and waited, half hoping Severus would say something, anything at all, in protest. As he was met with silence, the lycanthrope painfully resigned to the fact that his life was and always had been nothing but loneliness and shut the door behind him. Slipping out into the shadows of the grounds and beyond, thankfully unnoticed, Remus Apparated back to Hyde Park.
With each step back to his apartment, Remus could feel the wolf inside him begin to pace again, like a caged and wild animal. Now that he was away from the sanctuary of Hogwarts, the beast inside was threatening rebellion again. He was howling, clawing, fighting to get out and express his anger and frustration in the only way he knew how. Remus had no doubt that by the end of the night he either would have a very large headache waiting for him or another set of nasty scratches that would never heal beyond scars. The lycanthrope half wished he had waited a few days to make his decision and leave, so that the wolf inside him would not be as active due to the recent moon. However, he had dealt with such things before and would do so again, regardless of whether or not he wanted to. Lycanthropes rarely had a choice where their sanity was concerned, especially during situations that exacerbated the animal within.
His apartment was dark when he arrived, not even the light from the street lamps filtered in due to Severus having shut the curtains tightly the last time he was there. Remus' stomach twisted when he remembered that the bulb for the lamp was still broken, the replacement having shattered and imbedded into his skin days ago. He felt through the darkness, tripping over what little furniture he owned in order to turn on the kitchen light. A few dishes were lying in the sink, having not been washed yet. As they had been sitting unattended for days, a few gnats had already begun to collect around them. The lycanthrope grimaced and decided simply to retreat into the bedroom and sleep. After all, sleep was one of the few things Remus had to keep himself company with. Switching off the light and journeying through the dark yet again, Remus found his way to the bedroom.
As he turned on the light, the lycanthrope discovered that his bed was still in the same state it had been left in. Severus had told him days ago to lie down and not worry about the sheets. Now he was left with bed linens that were soiled with dried blood. Remus took out a shabby throw and draped it over the messy bed, climbing onto it with a large sigh. His room was cold, though not with the same coldness as Severus' chambers. It had been quite chilly at Hogwarts, as it always had been, but there was a certain amount of warmth that was present in the room. Remus shook his head, allowing the silence to prevail. It was harder to get used to now, perhaps because he had just spent time in close proximity to another person. He would get used to not speaking again, as he had before when he had resigned from his post as Professor at Hogwarts and all the other times prior to that. The lycanthrope could get used to a lot of things. Except, as much as he accepted it, loneliness was never something he could get completely used to. The time he had spent with Severus seemed to have reopened a wound inside the lycanthrope.
No one was there to talk to, or share a meal with, or even just exist in the same space as him. Remus was, as he had been for the majority of his life, alone. There was no one to keep him company but the sound of his own breathing. He supposed that would suffice, as at least he could count on his breath coming and going in a soft rhythm. The wolf inside him gave the lycanthrope plenty company as well. In fact, the silence was making it restless.
Remus snarled aloud in the quiet of his room, feeling the wolf sinking its claws into his consciousness. Instinctively he thought to fight back, to mentally reprimand it, curse it, or do whatever he needed to do to keep the wolf at bay. This was the way it had always been and the way it would be. The wolf needed to learn this, regardless of how angry it was and how much it wanted its way. Remus' fingernails dug into his forearms as he bit his lower lip in an attempt not to scream out loud. Red angry tracks were formed slowly across his flesh. It hurt, but it was a pain he had to endure. Reasoning with a wolf was pointless, it had to learn. Whether it learned painlessly or stubbornly, Remus had no control over it. He never had and he knew he most likely never would. Chaos could be tamed as easily as the beast raging inside him. They were each other's only companions, no matter how much the realization of it hurt.
The lycanthrope's arms stung as his hands racked across them once more. His limbs were being controlled by the wolf inside and absently, Remus remarked that he felt as if he were under the Imperius Curse. His fingernails trailed over his cheeks and neck, and angrily down his chest. He squeezed his eyes closed in pain until the wolf released the hold he had, sated enough by the tingling of pain he had caused Remus' body as punishment for not allowing them both to stay at Hogwarts where they had felt safe and protected. Gasping, the lycanthrope fell back against the pillow and breathed sharp, shallow breaths. His skin stung in the air and Remus desperately wished he had a soothing balm to apply. Unfortunately his stores had long since run out. Remus struggled to breathe evenly. If he regulated his breathing, perhaps it would not hurt as badly. Perhaps...
There was a screech from one of Remus' bedroom windows accompanied by a tapping on the glass. The lycanthrope gave a start, jumped up, and threw open the curtains in panic. A brown owl with a piece of parchment held in its beak perched on the windowsill. Remus snatched it and shooed the bird away, hoping no one would see it travel from his window into the night. Though his skin was crying out in pain, Remus ignored this and instead unfolded the piece of parchment.
There, in black scrawling was simply, "You are not a burden to me."
Remus felt as if his heart fell inside him. His blue eyes scanned the piece again three more times to make sure he had read it correctly. In all his wildest dreams he had not expected Severus to admit that he was not burdened by him. Remus had always seen himself as someone who had so many burdens to bear that he had just assumed to carry them all personally rather than troubling anyone else. After all, how long was it before they would tire of him and his problems? Yet here he was, admitting that Remus did not burden him. Furthermore, it seemed to him, contrary to what he had been thinking, that perhaps Severus was not looking after him merely because he was told to. Could it be that Severus wanted to take care of him because he genuinely did want to make sure he was well and not simply as a way to fulfill a task?
Packing had been a blur to him. Everything he owned had been magically shrunken and placed into his knapsack for transporting, leaving the apartment spotless and empty. Even the letter he had written to the landlady and slipped into the letterbox, which included his door key in it, was something that Remus could not recall completely. It was as if one moment he had been standing there, holding the piece of parchment Severus had sent him and the next he was rapping on the door of the Potions master's chambers.
Opening the door, Severus took a step back, looking as icy as ever, his eyebrow raised.
"You ruined the only bed linens I have." Remus said, secretly holding Severus' short letter between his fingers which had been stuffed deep into the pocket of his coat.
Though his face still held the same firm expression, the Potions master's dark eyes seemed to soften slightly. "Cry me a river, Lupin." Severus returned, taking a step to the side in order to allow him entrance.