Not the Real Me
a jem fanfic by d.l. schizoauthoress

A girl who plays the fool,
That's not the real me.
If ever I don't seem to care...
Just look into my eyes and you'll see
(That's not) That's not the real me.

Raya hated being a Hologram, sometimes. She especially hated being "the new girl".

It hadn't always been like this, of course. In the beginning, she'd be excited and happy
to be part of one of the biggest rock bands of the eighties. When Shana returned to
the band, she'd thought that her days as a Hologram were all over. And though they
weren't, Raya had been pushed into the background, dismissed as a publicity stunt
and a fifth wheel.

How many times had Raya heard: "Jem and the Holograms were so much better before
they got that new drummer!", "She just doesn't play the way that Shana used to!",
and "It was all a stupid marketing ploy...did you see how fast Shana came back?"? In
her opinion, far too many. Sometimes, she wanted to hurt the critics and fans that
spouted such nonsense. She never let on that she felt that way, though. Such
behavior...indeed, possibly such thoughts...would probably get her kicked out.

She still remembered the Rock Out Illiteracy concert in Philadelphia. Roxy, the bass
player of the Misfits, had thrown a street fair in the same neighborhood that Jem and the
Holograms had set up their venue. Most of the people in the area had headed for the
Roxy Rumble, which made everyone in the band, especially Shana, upset.

"Ooh! Roxy's done a real number on us this time!" Shana had cried, "No one's coming to
hear what we have to say about illiteracy!"

Raya understood why Shana had been so upset. She remembered hearing about Tony
Cassini's fashion show in Venice about a year ago, and Kimber had told her (after she
joined the band) how Roxy and the other two Misfits at the time had called up Shana
and badmouthed the woman's talent for design. So Shana had a right to hold a grudge
against Roxy.

It reminded Raya of how she'd felt upon seeing one of her father's prized orchids tucked
into the hair of that witch, Jetta. Raya had felt great, letting that cocky little gringa
really have it, both with her words and actions. Several strands of Jetta's black hair had
come out with the flower when Raya had yanked it free. What she'd done then,
surrounded and outnumbered by the Misfits, was a lot more satisfying than what she usually
did around the Holograms.

Still, Raya had tried to play the peacemaker (a role she was familiar with as the only girl
in a large family of sons) by suggesting, "Couldn't we talk to her? Maybe if we explained
how important our campaign is...?"

"Are you crazy?" Kimber had exclaimed, looking at Raya in disbelief. "Help, from Roxy?
Fat chance!"

Raya had seen the agreement in the rest of the band's expressions. She was getting
used to having her ideas shot down. Even though Kimber was supposed to be Raya's friend,
and give her support...

But then, Ba Nee had asked, "Couldn't we just try?" in a sweet voice that made Raya
cringe inside. She knew manipulative tones when she heard them (how many times had
her little brothers tried to keep her from telling Mama when they broke something?), and
Ba Nee was laying it on pretty thick.

Then Jem had given in to Ba Nee, and gone along with the suggestion that had originally
been Raya's! Oh, it made Raya's blood boil! The band could listen to a little nine-year-old
orphan girl, but not their new drummer! It was like they thought that Ba Nee was more of
a peer than she was.

Sometimes, Raya wished that she had given Jem's secret to Eric Raymond, even if he and
Jetta had wrecked her father's nursery. She didn't like being in the public eye as much as
she though she would, and all the disparaging comments were getting to her. Still, she tried
her best to present a sweet face to the world. Even her mother and father.

Mostly, though, Raya wished that she could be her real self. The Raya that everybody
thought they knew was just as fake as Jem.