Hello all, okay so I have a few things to say before we get started. First the disclamer.

Disclaimer – trust me I own nothing I am a poor high school student... oh well what can you do?

Warnings – there is the teensyist bit of language andshonen-ai yaoislash whatever you want to call it, no there is nothing explicit it's just implied but I have met people neurotic about this shit so I'm saying now!

Okay last thing to those of you who have read my work before check in my profile for info on updates.

Love you all!

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My Fragile Paper Heart

I decided long ago that my heart was made of paper. Why? Simply because beautiful pictures can be there or confused scribbles, or even wishful longing notes... kind of like what you find on a school girls books 'Mrs. So-and-so'.

Another reason is that it can be ripped up and tossed out.

That has happened to me before.

The story is that I was madly in love with him and I thought that he loved me too. I had no reason not to think so, because he had told me so many times how much he loved me and that he always would. Then one day I told him 'I love you.' like I had so many times before, and all he did was look at me with disgust and hate in his eyes and he promptly told me that I was disgusting and that he wasn't gay and that he never wanted to see me again.

That just totally tore my heart apart, he was my first love and I thought that he loved me back. But I was naïve, thinking that what we had, something so perfect would or could last.

He tore my paper heart out, ripped it up and tossed it away like a piece of worthless garbage.

I'd like to tell you now that I learned something from this, or that it has made me a better person, or hell even that I don't hate him after all this time and have forgiven him.

But that would be lying and I don't lie. In all honesty the truth is that I really didn't learn anything, it has really only caused me to be more wary of people, I don't trust so easily anymore and I most definitely don't give my heart away that easily anymore. And I still hate him with all my being, well okay maybe not hate him... but at least despise him... well I don't really know about that point, but I do know that I will never forgive him.

Because of him I had to pick my heart up and tape it back together. I don't think I'm ready for it to happen again, but then again I can't say if I ever will be.

I know that putting yourself out there and trusting people can and will hurt you but not always and that sometimes it can end up amazingly. But how can you tell?

I thought I was at that amazing place and that nothing would ruin it so I put all of myself into it, but then it turned out to be not as I thought and I got completely torn apart.

Okay so I'm starting to be a bit repetitive, but it's the truth and you deserve to know about my emotional baggage.

I'm also telling you this because I'm scared... yes I'm scared, scared that I'm starting to trust you too much, that I'm showing too much of myself to you.

I know not so frightening if you think of it like that, but what really frightens me is that you have this power to affect me so much. That you can get so much of a reaction from me where I thought I had complete control.

Another reason I'm telling you this is because, you amaze me. You've seen through my mask, somehow, you've seen through it and you still tell me that you love me. I want to be sure that you do, that you do love me and if you can look me in the eye and say 'I love you' after I've told you all this then maybe, just maybe I can trust you.

Actually I find this somewhat amusing. I say that I can't trust you but at the same time I trust you with my life, literally. You've always got my back and I trust you completely, just not with my heart.

You know what I'm going to stop babbling now.

I just want to tell you a few more things.

I'm sorry, for one. I'm sorry for not being able to trust you, for keeping you at a distance and for being too scared to put myself on the line like you have, because I know it took some courage to tell me the truth.

The other thing I want to tell you is... that I'm going to try.

I'm going to try and trust you and I'm going to try to let you in and I'm going to try and make things better.

But I want to know that you'll forgive me if I screw up or if it takes me a while, because in a way I'm new to this. I also want to know that, even if it takes me a while, that you'll always be there beside me for support, I don't think I'd be able to do it without that support.

Lastly, I'm going to take a risk and trust you.

I'm going to give you my fragile paper heart, and I'm going to trust you not to tear it up, because I don't think I could handle that a second time, especially not with you.

I'm going to give you my fragile paper heart, and say I love you.

Fin