Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order: SVU. It belongs to a genius named Dick Wolf. No profit is being made from this story.

An hour passed before he even realized it. Elliot didn't bother wiping the tears from his face, as there was no one around to see them. He pulled himself to his feet and stood for a moment longer, staring at the tombstone.

"I'm sorry," he whispered brokenly, his words drying up in the chilly air, and headed back toward the gate.

He was halfway over when he saw a squad car pass by. He dropped to the ground and froze. The car suddenly slammed on brakes. Oh shit…

He held his breath, not moving from his crouched position. The cruiser whipped around and began flashing its lights.

"NYPD, stop!" boomed a voice.

Oh, shit! Elliot panicked and took off running. The cruiser gave chase, siren blaring.

Elliot ran as fast as he could, knowing he couldn't waste a second. It was dark and he was wearing black, so he knew he couldn't be identified, but if the cruiser caught up to him they would jump him. Then he'd be in a shitload of trouble. Trespassing was a serious offense, and he wasn't wearing his badge.

He darted past a dark house and made a split-second decision before hurtling clumsily over the backyard fence. He sprinted into the woods behind it and threw himself on the ground, rolling behind a stump. The cruiser screeched to a halt and two officers ran out, flashlights in hand. Elliot struggled to catch his breath, his heart hammering. He prayed fiercely for God to get him out of this mess.

The beam of light got closer, and Elliot felt sweat trickle down his back. Suddenly, a twig snapped to his left. The officers whipped around, shining the light in that direction.

"NYPD, come out with your hands up!" one officer boomed.

Sighing with relief when they moved toward the sound, he got up quickly, having no choice but to continue further into the woods.

He began running again when he felt safe the officers weren't coming in after him. He had bigger worries now. Where the hell was he? He'd never been through the woods of this area before. He couldn't see beyond what was directly in front of him. His foot suddenly got tangled in something and twisted painfully. He yelled as he wiped out face-first, landing on a pile of branches.

Elliot lay frozen in shock before getting up slowly. Great, he though angrily. His foot throbbed and he felt sharp pricks of pain all over his face and neck. He limped along until he finally reached the other side, sighing in relief when he recognized the street sign. He was a long way from the precinct though. He checked his watch and grimaced. Cragen was going to be pissed.

"Have a nice walk?"

Elliot jumped about three feet at the sharp voice that cut through the deserted stationhouse, slamming his hand against his locker. The noise echoed through the darkness. A light switched on.

Don walked up behind Elliot and waited. Elliot took a breath and turned around, a sheepish look on his face.

"Jesus, Elliot," he scolded.

The captain stepped closer to him and examined his face. When he went to move away, Don grabbed his arm and jerked him still.

"Don't move," he ordered.

Shocked, Elliot stood unresisting. The bloody cuts were dried, but still looked ugly. He shook his head and sighed in disappointment. He pointed to a chair and ordered, "Sit."

Elliot sat, still too shocked to speak. Cragen bent down and untied Elliot's shoelace, slipping it off his foot. He didn't miss the hiss that couldn't be held back. He took his foot gently in his hand and softly probed it for breaks. Finding none, he stood up and handed Elliot back his sock and shoe.

He put the sock on, but ditched the sneaker, finding it too painful. He sighed, looking up at his captain. Cragen sat down in a chair next to him.

"You went to the cemetery again, didn't you?"

Elliot nodded, looking at him meekly. Don sighed and placed a hand lightly on his knee.

"Elliot," he said softly. "You can't keep doing this to yourself."

Tears built up in Elliot's eyes, but he blinked them back and looked away. Cragen felt the muscles under his hand tense up. The look of raw pain on Elliot's face was heartbreaking.

"You can't keep going like this," he continued quietly. "You've been keeping it inside for so long….son, it's going to kill you." His sentence ended desperately.

Just like that, the shield came back up. Don watched the blue eyes turn cold and his face tighten. Elliot moved away abruptly, causing the hand to drop from his knee, and rose to his feet gingerly.

"It already has," he whispered hollowly.

Cragen could only watch him limp toward the staircase and begin slowly hobbling up. His heart felt like it had just been ripped out and stomped.

It seemed like he had just closed his eyes when Don heard the alarm on his cell phone go off. Groaning, he sat up and reached to turn it off, noting the time. 10:30. He felt like his body had lead inside as he struggled to his feet. He wanted nothing more than to sleep for another 7 hours…but Marino had insisted on meeting with everyone at noon to formulate the night's plans.

He opened the door to the crib and stood for a moment, observing his sleeping "family."

John Munch, the man who had been a cop almost as long as he himself had; the man who was like his brother. It amused Don to see how different he looked without his glasses on.

There was Fin, not as close as the others but still in his heart, snoring like a tank. He chuckled. His gaze moved to the other end of the room to rest on Olivia.

Olivia…she had such a stubborn persona, always wanting to be an equal to the rest of the team. But he knew from her first day on the job that she was the breath of fresh air that they needed. She was tough when she needed to be, but her sweet nature never failed to show itself. She was the daughter he had always wanted.

Cragen sighed to himself as his gaze rested on Elliot, in a deep sleep. He and Elliot had an exhausting relationship. He was the veteran of the squad, the one who knew all of Cragen's buttons and how to push them. The man had a hot temper, didn't always think before he made a move, and always tried to be the "tough guy"; he had been written up more times than any single cop in the entire department.

But Don knew it was a protection tactic. Elliot worked very hard to make sure none of the others knew about his life outside of being a cop. Don was the only one who knew about his past. The others would be appalled if they knew the real reason why he had joined SVU. But he would never tell a soul. He had promised Elliot, and would rather lose his job than betray his trust. Of the four, Elliot Stabler was held closest to his heart.

Coming out of his thoughts, he flipped on the light. Olivia jumped awake immediately, looking around. She sat up and rubbed her face.

"Hey," Cragen said. "Rise and shine, everyone."

Groans were heard from Fin as he awoke. Munch reached for his glasses and sat up, stretching.

The captain looked at Elliot. He was on his side, facing away from him. There was no sign of movement.

"You too, Stabler," he barked. Nothing.

Munch and Fin went past him out the door.

Cragen shook his head. "Get him up," he told Olivia, and left.

Olivia rolled her eyes as she went to her partner. She shook his shoulder. "Hey," she said softly, for his benefit. She shook him again. Giving up the nice routine, she whacked him with her pillow. He startled awake, eyes popping open in shock.

She grinned. "Get up, lazybones," she said. She smiled as he rolled to face her, but it quickly became a gasp.

"Elliot, what happened to your face?" she asked.

He blinked, faltering for only a second. "Yesterday," he lied quickly. "When I fell opening the fire escape."

She nodded, and he breathed a sigh of relief as he followed her down into the bullpen.

After seven hours of exhaustion and scrutinizing, the teams were once again in place in front of the bar. Elliot glanced up as he was stocking shot glasses and was startled to see that a line had already formed outside, even though the bar didn't open for another two hours.

"Damn," Olivia heard him mutter. "I guess last night was somewhat of a success…for the bar, at least."

At 11:45, he opened the doors and admitted to mob. The scene from the night before became a distant memory…tonight's crowd seemed even more rowdy, if that was even possible.

"Hey, you guys…." Munch's voice rang in. "Same guy from yesterday just headed for the back."

Marino keyed the mike quickly. "Team four, get ready to move," he snapped.

Cragen looked at him, perplexed. "We need to nail this guy now," Marino said. "I'm sick of waiting around."

"If we move now, they'll make us," Cragen argued. "There's no telling what will happen if they feel cornered…it's too risky for the guys inside."

"Your people, my collar, Captain," Marino said, staring at him. "I say we go now." He turned back to the mike.

"Marino…this is a bad idea," he said bluntly. "I'm telling you….hold off."

The Narcotics detective eyed him warily as he spoke into the mike. He paused a minute. "Move in," he said, keeping his eyes on the captain. He replaced the mike and spoke to the others around him. "Let's go, you guys."

Olivia's eyes widened in shock as the others jumped out of the van. She looked to the captain in horror.

Don screwed his face tight in anger. "Damn it," he burst out, grabbing his gun. He hopped out of the van too, and she followed.

Munch and the other teams were on one side of the alley when they arrived.

"Police, get your hands up!" Marino shouted. The others surrounding him had their guns aimed.

The drug deal abruptly halted in mid-exchange. Seeing both ends of the alley blocked, one of the men wisely put his hands up and surrendered.

The other one looked wild-eyed, and Cragen felt a pit of nervousness in his gut.

"I repeat, put your hands up!" Marino yelled at him.

Glancing at them, the man suddenly threw open the fire escape door and bolted inside.

"Shit!" Cragen yelled, as they began running after him. He pulled his mike frantically. "Suspect on the run!" he shouted into it. "He's headed into the bar!"

The words shocked both Fin and Elliot, who up until then had no idea what was going on. Fin pulled his gun, receiving several frightened gasps and cries from the patrons, and looked around wildly. The Narcotics detectives were doing the same.

Elliot was reaching under the bar for his own gun when he suddenly heard a loud slamming noise. Whipping around, he saw a man fly from the hallway leading to the fire escape and head for the stairs.

He leaped quickly over the bar top and sprinted towards the staircase.

Four other men had broken away suddenly and dashed for the stairs as well, running right past Fin. He leapt through the air and tackled one of them as the other three kept going.

The teams of officers burst into the room then, looking around wildly.

"Upstairs, go!" Fin yelled, still on the ground. "I got this."

While several officers stopped to assist him, the others continued on up the stairs.

Elliot sprinted out of the stairwell and saw the man he was chasing several hundred feet ahead of him.

"Police!" he yelled. "Stop now!"

The man paid no attention. Elliot sprinted after him as he kept going, running into a room at the end of the hall.

When he got there, the man was almost out the window. Elliot dove across the room and yanked the man by the back of his shirt, hauling him back inside.

"Going somewhere?" he asked, reaching in his back pocket for his handcuffs.

"Hold it right there."

The voice behind Elliot startled him as he was getting ready to snap the handcuffs in place. He jumped and turned around.

The sight that faced him almost made him stop and rub his eyes to make sure he wasn't seeing things. Joshua Hector and Simon Ganz were standing in front of him, guns drawn and aimed at him. Their faces were cool and predatory.

But what made his blood freeze was the man beside them. He stared in shock into the eyes of Joshua Harris.

Harris grinned, his gun aimed at Elliot's chest. "Well, well…." he droned. "What have we here?"

He shuffled around to the side of Elliot. He stood still, wary of the other two with guns still trained on him.

"Elliot Stabler?" Harris' voice sounded sarcastically shocked. "Look at you….moved up quite a bit, haven't you?" He was looking at him with his eyes narrowed in anger.

God…why didn't I grab my gun? Elliot kept his eyes on Harris as he continued to step around him. The man he had captured was still on the ground, with Elliot's foot planted on his chest to keep him from moving.

He heard the gun cock and Harris pointed it at his face. "Let him up," he said shortly.

Elliot immediately lifted his foot, and the man rolled away and got to his feet.

He kept a conscious eye out for the other two still behind him, but had his attention focused only on his ex-captain.

"You really seem to make a habit of screwing up my plans," Harris said. "You know that?"

"Why'd you turn on us, Harris?" Elliot asked. "You were a good cop."

He watched Harris' eyes blaze. "They were going to fire me!" he seethed. "Do you know what it would have done to me? I'd be living in a cardboard box right now if I hadn't done this."

"There are other ways to get money, Harris," Elliot said, his voice tinged with disdain. "You didn't have to turn to drugs."

"Shut up!" he yelled, and Elliot recoiled. It wasn't a good idea to piss of someone holding a Glock six inches from your face.

Hearing voices, the officers ran for the end of the hall. Cragen's heart plummeted when he saw the three men inside with their guns pointed at Elliot.

"Drop your weapons!" he shouted, as they burst inside. They all had their guns out toward the three men.

Hector and Ganz shot their heads around in surprise, as did Elliot. Using it to his advantage, Harris dove forward and grabbed Elliot, jerking him around. Before he could react, Harris had his arm wrapped around his throat and his gun jammed underneath his chin. His other arm snaked around and pinned Elliot's hands together, making it impossible for him to move.

Olivia felt her heart leap into her mouth. The other officers immediately turned their aim to Harris.

"I'll kill him," he said. He began shuffling towards the door, pulling Elliot along with him. "Drop your fucking guns now."

When no one moved, Harris tightened his arm around Elliot's throat, causing him to involuntarily choke as pressure was put on his windpipe. He jumped when Harris cocked the gun and pressed it harder into his flesh.

"Did it sound like I was kidding?" he yelled wildly. "Do it now!"

Olivia tore her gaze from Harris to Elliot, and was surprised to see him looking right back at her. His eyes were full of the fear that he was refusing to let himself show on the outside.

Without a second thought, she tossed her gun to the ground.

The others around her were startled, and looked at her momentarily. She had her gaze firmly set on Harris, her jaw clenched. The anxiety on her face was easily readable. Cragen was next, followed by Munch and then Fin.

Don looked at the other officers around him and snarled, "Do what he says, god damn it!"

Elliot watched anxiously as the guns were dropped, his heart beat pounding in his ears. He was trying to get enough leverage to twist his hands out of Harris' grip, but the hold was as solid as cast iron. He locked gazes with Olivia again, and the reassurance he saw in her eyes eased his mind a little.

He stumbled as Harris moved again, dragging him around the swarm of detectives in the doorway. Hector, Ganz, and the fourth man moved up behind them, taking aim at the officers.

Cragen's stomach was somersaulting. There were sixteen disarmed police officers, four gunmen, and one hostage all within ten feet of the doorway. If any of the detectives tried to make a move, someone would get shot by the three backing up Harris.

But if they remained where they were, Harris would escape….and would most likely take Elliot with him. He knew that as long as he had the detective as a hostage, the police were at his mercy. They wouldn't take a chance when a fellow officer's life was at stake.

Harris had continued around and now he was in the doorway. He was facing them and had Elliot in front of him like a shield. The look in Elliot's eyes twisted Olivia's insides…he now looked to be in total panic.

Elliot felt the muscles in his jaw quivering from clenching so hard. He had to do something…anything. If Harris took him out that door, he was going to end up dead.

"That's right," Harris sneered, as he began pulling Elliot out the door. "Stay where you are….nobody moves." He gestured to the other three, and they began moving toward the door as well.

"Get ready." Elliot jumped when he heard Munch's voice hiss in his ear, and he suddenly realized they were all still wearing their wires.

His eyes shot to his friend. Munch nodded ever so slightly at him, and his eyes swept side to side quickly before jerking back to him again. Elliot's eyebrows briefly shot up to indicate he understood.

Fin had also heard the words, and was poised to strike.

"Go!"

The loud yell from Munch startled the gunmen, as well as a number of police officers. He and Fin shot forward and tackled the two closest to them, which made the third lose his balance and fall as well.

As soon as they moved, Elliot took advantage of Harris' surprise and threw his head back hard, slamming it into the man's face. He yelped and loosened his grip, allowing Elliot to jump away quickly. He was taken down in seconds by a swarm of officers.

Munch, Fin, and three Narcotics detectives subdued the four men and led them outside. The other officers picked up their guns hesitantly and then stood awkwardly. Elliot stood off to the side with his back to the others. He had his hands shoved through his hair and clenched tightly behind his head.

Olivia took a step toward him, but stopped when he moved away from her. Tension and anger radiated dangerously around him. Biting her lip, she remained where she was.

Marino exhaled a breath and looked around him. He shook his head. "Wrap it up, guys," he said, his voice tired and defeated. "We're done."

Squad cars had arrived by the time they all got downstairs. The bar had been emptied out by the police and turned into an official crime scene.

"Head back to the house, guys," Marino said to the Narcotics detectives. "Go get some sleep."

He turned around and headed to where Cragen was standing beside one of the squad cars, talking to Munch. He cleared his throat when he approached to alert them of his presence. They both turned around.

Munch got the hint and moved off quickly. The two men stood staring at each other until Marino broke his gaze away.

"I'm sorry," he finally said awkwardly. He shoved his hands in his pockets and raised his gaze back up to the older man. "You were right…we should have waited."

Cragen looked at him stonily. "You almost cost Elliot his life, Marino," he said quietly. "No matter what you say, I won't be able to just brush that aside." He bit the inside of his cheek and started to walk around him, but stopped. "Just tell me one thing."

Mark looked at him with raised eyebrows.

Don clenched his jaw and hissed, "Was it worth the risk?"

He had no reply.

Elliot stood against the back of an empty squad car that was furthest away from where the others were gathered. He took a deep breath and clenched his fists, willing them to stop shaking. Movement caught his eye, and he turned his head to see Olivia walking over to him.

He turned around and began walking briskly in the other direction. She would inevitably want to talk to him about what had happened, most likely to offer him a little bit of comfort. It wasn't that he didn't appreciate the gesture, but right now every neuron in his body was screaming with rage.

"Elliot," Olivia said, as she approached him. She was surprised to see him turn and begin walking away from her. "Elliot!"

She began jogging to close the distance between them, and reached out a hand to grip his shoulder. "Hey," she said softly.

He startled her when he jerked away roughly and turned around fast to crowd her personal space. She stopped abruptly, and reflexively took a step back. The fury in his eyes was unmistakable.

"What do you want?" he asked harshly.

It was the biting tone rather than the words that pierced her heart. "Are you ok?"

He scoffed and let out a humorless laugh. "Sure, Olivia," he said, his voice condescending and dry. "I'm just perfect."

"Listen, Elliot…" She hesitated a minute. "It's ok to be scared. I would have been-"

"I'm not in the mood for any shrinking bullshit," he snapped. "Especially not from you. Just…back off."

Olivia was about a second away from walking away. Elliot had a tendency to act like a jackass when his temper flared, and right now it looked like it was just waiting for the spark to ignite. But she bit her lip and forced herself to ignore his anger. She knew that deep down the situation had scared the hell out of him…and he was using anger as a front to escape.

"Fine," she said shortly. "If you want to talk, you know where to find me." She turned on her heel and began walking back in the other direction.

"Of course I know."

His jeering words floated past her and made her stop. When she turned around, her partner was looking at her differently than he had been before. His anger was now gone. In its place was a more dangerous emotion…challenge. The second front in the cycle of protection tactics.

Elliot saw the look in Olivia's eyes change. She was now looking at him like she would a perp…with her guard up and her claws out. He knew right away that he needed to shut his mouth before he said something he would regret. But his tongue was running away before he could catch up.

"I always know where to find you, Olivia," he sneered. "The whole squad knows…poor little Olivia with the screwed up life. No one else's problems are half as bad as yours, right?"

Fire exploded in her eyes as she stalked back up to him. "You bastard," she hissed. She slammed her hands against his chest with enough force to knock him back a step. Her voice quivered. "Fuck you, Elliot. Fuck you and fuck trying to help you out…I'm done. You want to be an ass? That's just fine…as far as I'm concerned you can stay miserable and alone for the rest of your god damned life."

She swallowed hard and turned away again. But her anger bubbled over, refusing to let go, and she turned around once again and strode up into his face.

"You want to know something?" she hissed at him, staring right into his eyes. "I've always wondered how Kathy did it…how could anyone last twenty years with someone like you?"

The fierceness in his eyes changed to hurt in an instant, and she whipped around quickly. Tears spilled out and she sobbed as she walked briskly back toward the squad cars. In a moment of desperation, they had each used personal daggers on the person they cared the most about.

Elliot felt tears slipping from his eyes as he watched her walk away. He couldn't believe he had said that to her…..he couldn't believe she had said that to him. He had to apologize to her. The thought of losing the best friend he had in the world was too frightening to even contemplate.

His chest tightened suddenly, and his hands started to tremble again, for an entirely different reason this time. He wanted to move toward her, but his body was frozen. It felt like he was paralyzed. Images of the past began flying past his eyes…

His entire body heaved with anger as he stood in the middle of the room. "Leave me alone!" he yelled. "I don't ever want to see you again!"

"You don't mean that." Her voice was gentle and yet condescending at the same time.

"I do mean it!" he screamed. "I never want to see you again!"

He started choking on his sobs as the memory replayed itself in his head. He tried to draw a breath and panicked when he couldn't.

Don looked up in alarm when he heard the shouting from the far end of the parking lot. Olivia went flying at Elliot and pushed him backwards. A minute later, she began storming back towards them. He could see her chest heaving as she walked.

"What in the hell-?" he said in concern.

Olivia barreled past him, her face soaked with tears.

"Olivia," he said frantically, reaching out to lightly grab her arm. "What happened? Where are you going?"

She shook her arm loose and kept up her rapid pace. "Home," she sobbed, halfway running toward the sidewalk.

His eyebrows furrowed deeply as he watched her disappear from sight. He turned and looked back in time to see Elliot break into a run in the opposite direction.

"Elliot!" he yelled. His voice echoed and dried up as his form also disappeared.

Olivia threw some money at the cab driver, who probably thought she was drunk, crazy, or both, and flew into her building. She burst into her apartment and closed the door behind her. Leaning up against it, she sobbed so hard she almost gagged.

Elliot took the subway back to Queens. He arrived back to his apartment and went straight for his bedroom. Throwing himself on the floor, he reached under his bed and pulled out the tub. He was sobbing as he opened it and began rifling through it.

The combination of the day's events and the memories in his mind suddenly exploded together. He began seeing Olivia's face in the crime scene photos and the faces from the past in his thoughts of Olivia.

His stomach heaved and he suddenly began vomiting right there on the floor. A sharp, agonizing pain stabbed his stomach and he cried out, hunching over.

"Oh my God," he gasped. He became terrified when he couldn't breathe. "Oh my god."

He somehow managed to get to his knees. His entire body began to shake violently as he dragged himself into the bathroom, vomiting all the way. Dizzily, he leaned against the toilet and kept heaving into it.

It wouldn't stop. He was shaking so hard that he could hardly keep himself upright. His chest and throat were searing as he retched violently. Looking down, he saw that the toilet was now filled with red.

Terrified, he reached a hand up to his face. Pulling it back from his mouth, he saw blood on his fingers.

His hands fumbled frantically for his cell phone, having only one thought.

Olivia had taken a long shower to calm herself down and was now lying in bed, unable to sleep. What he had said hurt…but she knew that he was just lashing out from his extreme distress over what had happened to him. How many times had she done the same thing? Her face flushed. God…what she had said to him…. She closed her eyes in shame.

Elliot could be a jerk sometimes. She could be a bitch when she wanted to be. Each could cause enough damage on their own. Putting both together at one time was disaster…they had been lucky enough to avoid this before, but it was bound to happen sometime.

Now, they had to choose: do they let a blow up destroy the friendship that had become so sacred, or do they let the friendship destroy the blow up?

Fuck pride. If she had to be the first to crack in order to keep him with her, she'd do it. She refused to lose her best friend over a bad temper. Rolling over, she turned on the light and reached for the phone.

She jumped in surprise as it rang when her hand rested on it. She picked it up. "Hello?

"Olivia…" The hysterical voice made her hair stand on end.

"Elliot?" she said, shooting up. "What's wrong?"

Elliot gripped the phone tightly in his hand and slumped against the toilet, sobbing.

"I need help," he choked out.