Chapter 13: I Am The Fire

December 8th, 2013 - 0232 (2:32 am)

It wasn't a surprise to Tom when he was awoken by a nightmare. It was a good thing he had gone to sleep with his arms around Rachel, because the bed was definitely too small for four people, especially when one of those people was thrashing around and crying out.

Unable to get the room he needed to comfort Rachel while laying down, Tom sat up and pulled her into his arms near the end of the bed.

"Shhh, Rachel," he hushed her, running his fingers through her hair. "You're safe. You're in my bedroom. You're with me and Ashley and Sam, aboard the Nathan James. You're safe."

"Is she having a nightmare, Daddy?" came a sleepy voice, and Tom looked over his shoulder to see Ashley blinking slowly in the darkness. He smiled at his daughter, his heart clenching as he remembered the events of yesterday.

Rachel had found his family.

"Yeah, baby, she is," he told Ashley, and then turned his attention back to Rachel. She was still sleeping fitfully, and he ran his hand down her arm, shaking her gently to wake her up. "Come on, sweetheart, wake up, please," he crooned, and Rachel blinked her eyes open, tears finally falling as she came awake.

"S-sorry," she whispered, climbing into a sitting position and into Tom's lap.

"It's OK," he said, kissing her head.

Ashley scooted forward and put her small hand on Rachel's back next to her father's larger one.

"I have nightmares sometimes, too," she said, and Rachel sniffled, wiping at her tears before turning around to face the little girl. She held a hand out, and Ashley reached out to hold onto it. "What were you dreaming about? Were you dreaming about yesterday? Yesterday was scary."

Rachel shook her head, rubbing her thumb over the top of Ashley's hand.

"No, love, I was dreaming about something different."

Tom sighed, and kissed her shoulder gently where the large sweater was riding down, hanging low on her small body.

"What about?" Ashley pushed, and Tom was about to tell her to stop digging when Rachel spoke up.

"A while ago, your daddy was in trouble. I went to the bad guy's ship to give him a note to help him escape, but while I was there, some bad men hurt me."

"Did they hit you, like they did yesterday?"

Rachel turned and looked at Tom. She didn't want to lie to the little girl, but Tom was her father, and what had happened, even toned down for a kid to understand, might be more than he wanted to tell Ashley.

But, as it turned out, she didn't have to say anything. Tom took over for her.

"The bad men touched Rachel in a way she didn't want to be touched," he said, rubbing his hand up and down Rachel's back as he spoke. "She said 'no', but they did it anyway."

Ashley's eyes grew wide, and she gasped, putting her hands over her mouth. Tears sprang to her eyes, and she whispered, "Even though she said no?"

Tom nodded.

"You taught me and Sammy that if we don't want someone to touch us we're allowed to say no, and they should respect that and not touch us. Rachel, did the bad guy's daddy not teach him that?"

Rachel gave the girl a small smile, understanding now why Tom didn't mind talking about this with his child. He had already taught them about consent, and he had known that Ashley would understand.

"I guess they didn't. But sometimes, you might see me get scared if someone touches me. It's not necessarily because they're trying to hurt me. I might get scared even if it's someone like Tex or your Grandfather. Sometimes I remember what happened and get scared again, and that's why I had a nightmare tonight."

Ashley nodded, and then bit her lip. She looked up at Tom, as if asking permission to say something. He nodded; whatever she had to say, she should be free to say it.

"Rachel, did I scare you? When you met me and Sammy, we didn't ask if we could touch you. We just did."

Rachel's heart swelled with love for the little girl. She crawled out of Tom's lap, and took Ashley into her arms. "No, love, you didn't scare me. Sometimes, when it's someone you love and trust very much, they don't have to ask to touch you. And I love you and your brother very much, even though I only met you yesterday."

"Oooh," Ashley said, nodding in understanding. "That's why you let Daddy touch you lots."

Rachel laughed, and turned to meet Tom's eyes. He was staring at her softly, taking in the sight of her with his daughter. "Yes, that's why I let your daddy touch me. I love and trust him very much."

Ashley started fidgeting again, as Rachel rocked them gently. Tom joined in, pulling Rachel back against his chest, holding both of his girls in his arms, breathing in their clean scents.

"It looks like you want to say something, love," Rachel said to Ashley, and the little girl nodded.

"I want to tell you about my nightmares," she said. "But they're about my mommy. And I don't know if you want to hear about my mommy."

Rachel whipped her head around to stare at Tom in confusion, and then climbed out of his embrace so she could sit in front of Ashley and look at her. Tom stayed where he was, pulling Ashley back to lean against him.

"Why do you think that?" Rachel asked.

Ashley sniffled. "Well, before everyone got sick, I had a friend named Brooke whose mommy left. She didn't die like my mommy, she just left. A-and her daddy found a new girlfriend. But his new girlfriend got mad whenever Brooke and I talked about her first mommy. She said that Brooke shouldn't cry over someone who went away."

Rachel's heart was breaking for the little girl in front of her.

"Love," she whispered, and reached out to brush her fingers across Ashley's cheek. "I will never mind if you talk about your mother. She was your mother, and I know you and Sam and your daddy loved her very much. Even though I love your father, too, I will never, ever try to replace her."

Ashley looked at her with moist eyes, her little lip trembling.

"Wanna know something else?" Rachel asked, and Ashley nodded eagerly. "I was about your age when my mum died. She actually got sick like your mum did. She died of something called Malaria. I had to watch her get sicker and sicker, and it was really, really hard. So I understand. If you want to cry, or if you want to talk about your mother, I will be here to listen. I love you and I love your daddy and your brother, but I will never try and replace your mum."

Ashley threw herself into Rachel's arms, sobbing loudly, and the movement woke her brother. Sam sat up, rubbing at his eyes, and stared at them all.

"Can I have a hug, too?" he asked, and Tom pulled him into his arms before scooting closer to Ashley and Rachel, wrapping his arms around all of therm.

His new, broken little family.

Tom rested his head on top of Rachel's, taking in a shaking breath as he held the most important people in the world close to him. They sat there, together, for a long time.

Long enough that Ashley and Sam fell back asleep.

Tom and Rachel gently shifted everyone around so that the kids were once again cuddled up against the wall. Tom took Rachel back into his arms, and buried his head between her neck and chest, finally letting the tears he had held back for Ashley's sake fall.

"You are... amazing," he whispered, and Rachel hummed noncommittally, running her fingers through Tom's hair. She kissed his head, and rubbed his back as he cried. She knew that he was processing just as much as she was. In less than twenty four hours, he had almost lost her, and had found his children and his father.

"I love you," she whispered, and he sobbed again against her chest. "I love you."

"I love you, too," he said, and breathed out nosily. Rachel simply kept rubbing his back, running her fingers through his hair and holding him.

"Go to sleep, love," she whispered, and Tom nodded, wrapping his arms around her and holding on tightly.

December 8th, 2013 - 0640 (6:40 am)

The next nightmare was actually Tom's, and woke up everyone in the bed. He had dreamed that he hadn't been able to save Rachel, that he'd watched her die in his arms. He had woken up screaming, tossing and turning in the bed. Sam and Ashley were woken suddenly when one of their father's arms hit the covers next to them.

Rachel quickly ushered them off of the bed, and then turned to Tom, who was laying on the bed breathing heavily.

"Rachel," he croaked weakly, and she went to him, crawling in the bed next to him and pulling him into a hug.

"Hey, everything OK in here?"

They both turned to see Jed standing in the doorway, confused about what was going on. Ashley and Sam were standing at the end of the bed, eyes wide.

"Nightmares," Tom grumbled, scrubbing his hand over his face in frustration.

"Ah," Jed said, and then motioned toward the children. "Kids, wanna come with me to find some pancakes for breakfast? It's been a while since I've been on a ship like this, but I bet I can find the kitchen."

Ashley looked torn between wanting to stay with her dad and Rachel, and wanting pancakes. Sam was easily swayed by the idea of fluffy breakfast food, and agreed happily. Jed shot them a look before ushering the children out of the room. Rachel smiled and nodded at him, and then turned her attention back to Tom. He was still breathing heavily, his hands tracing over her - her shoulders, arms, neck - as if reassuring himself that she was there.

"I'm fine," she said, and then, repeating his words back to him, "You're safe. You with me, in your bed, and you're safe."

Tom nodded, and then blew out a breath of air before dropping his head to her shoulder. He noticed belatedly that it was the shoulder that his large sweater was slipping down, and spent some time nibbling and kissing the warm skin he found there.

Rachel groaned, rolling her eyes as Tom distracted himself with her skin. "Tom. Stop giving me a hickey."

He grinned against her skin before rolling over onto his back on the bed, putting one arm over his eyes and groaning.

"Sorry," he said, and Rachel chuckled as she lay down next to him, her fingers brushing over his stomach. He still wasn't wearing a t-shirt. It hadn't seemed like it was worth it the previous night after bandaging his shoulder. His stomach muscles clenched as she caressed his warm skin.

"Sorry for the hickey, or sorry for the nightmare? Because you don't need to apologize for either of them."

"Then can I finish the hickey?" he asked, raising an eyebrow at her and smirking.

"No, you cannot finish the hickey. Not right now, anyway. Tell me about your nightmare," she requested, and he grunted.

"You know what it was about."

"Mmm," Rachel hummed. "I do. But talking helps."

Tom sighed, and then turned to press his face back into her neck. He did not keep working on the hickey, but he did take comfort in being close to her, in being able to touch and smell her.

"You died. In the warehouse. I dreamed that we weren't able to bring you back. You died and there wasn't anything I could do."

"But that didn't happen," she comforted him. "I'm here. You and Danny saved me, I'm alive, and I plan on staying that way for a long, long while."

"Forever, please," he requested, and she laughed. She didn't respond, but it didn't feel like she needed to. They were comfortable lying there, holding each other and staring at the ceiling, breathing in sync.

It was many, many minutes later that Tom rolled over, propping himself up on one elbow to stare at Rachel. "We're going to have to find somewhere else for the kids to sleep. This nightmare problem isn't going to get any better anytime soon, and I almost hurt them this morning. I just.. don't want them to be too far away."

Rachel hummed, thinking, as she reached up to caress Tom's face.

"Could we move the longer couch out of the main room? Your father can sleep on the other couch or move to quarters of his own, if he wants. We can move some of the crew bunks in there? It would be a tight fit, but it would be temporary, right?"

Tom nodded, and leaned down to kiss her softly. She smiled into it, letting him deepen it and sighing happily when he allowed some of his body weight to settle on her. She felt safe and secure under him, held down by his weight.

Realizing what he had done, Tom pulled back and broke the kiss. He had a contemplative look on his face as he brushed his thumb over her bottom lip.

"I'm sorry, I didn't think before I did that," he apologized. "I should have asked. Are you... is what we've been doing OK? Or do you want to slow down? I don't want to do anything you're not ready for."

Rachel smiled, remembering the conversation last night with Ashley. Tom took the concept of consent very seriously. He had taught his kids that they had the right to say 'no' to any touch they didn't like, and she knew that he must be thinking about what had happened to her aboard the Vyerni.

"It's fine, Tom. I promise I'm fine."

"It's not... me touching you, it doesn't remind you of what they did?"

Rachel shook her head, the hand that was on his shoulder running gently up and down his back as he hovered over her.

"No. Not even in the slightest. Do you know why?" Tom shook his head 'no', and she continued. "Because you love me. Your touch doesn't scare me, it doesn't feel wrong. It just feels like I'm safe and I'm loved. When they touched me, it wasn't like that. It was scary and it was an invasion of my body. I want you to touch me, Tom. It makes me feel good."

Tom smiled at her, leaning down and kissing her again. When he pulled away, she continued, "I still have nightmares and I still get scared when people approach me suddenly. Sometimes even loud noises make me have flashbacks. But your touch? Will never scare me. Because you love me."

Tom groaned, leaning his weight on her again, pressing his head into her chest. "I do. I love you so much."

"That's good. Because I love you, too," Rachel said. "Now hush, and kiss me some more."

Tom obliged happily.

December 8th, 2013 - 0800 (8:00 am)

It was quite a bit later that they finally got up to join Jed and the children for pancakes. Rachel helped Tom put on a t-shirt after changing the bandage on his shoulder, and both of them put on their shoes, but other than that they didn't bother dressing yet. They were both off duty for the moment still, and were too comfortable to change. Rachel had decided she really liked Tom's large sweater, and she wasn't sure that he was going to get it back.

"Daddy! Rachel!" Sam yelled as they walked into the cafeteria. He waved a sticky hand and stood up in his chair so they would see him. "Come have some pancakes!"

"Will you try and eat something this morning?" Tom asked, and Rachel nodded.

"Probably not pancakes, though. That does not sound appetizing."

"Tell me what you want and I'll make sure you get it," Tom promised, and herded her over to the table where his father and children were. He nudged her softly so that she would sit down next to Ashley.

"Tea and toast, please," she requested, and at Tom's look, quickly added, "And some eggs."

Nodding, Tom walked off to procure their food.

Ashley spoke up. "Rachel, can I hug you?"

Rachel turned and smiled at the little girl. "Love, we talked about this last night. Remember? I said that there were some people who I love and trust very much, and those people don't have to ask before touching me for hugs and things like that. You're one of those people."

Ashley nodded shyly and then wrapped her little arms around Rachel.

Jed shot Rachel a curious look.

She explained, "I had a nightmare last night about what happened a while back, and-"

"Some bad men touched her, even though she said 'no'," Ashley summed up, and Jed shot Rachel an alarmed look. She shook her head to indicate that, no, it wasn't like that. She was grateful every day that Tom and Tex had arrived in time, and that she hadn't been raped by those animals. What had happened was bad enough.

"I know I mentioned that I was assaulted," she said softly. "Two men, Russians who had captured Tom and Tex," she further explained. "Ashley had questions last night, and we had a little conversation."

"Uh huh," Ashley agreed around another mouthful of pancake. "Daddy already taught us that we can say 'no' if we don't want someone to touch us, and that if someone says 'no' to us, then we shouldn't touch them either. But the bad men that hurt Rachel didn't listen to her."

Sam looked curious as he licked syrup from his fingers.

"Am I a person who can hug you without asking?" he said. "Or do I need to ask when I want a hug?"

Rachel grinned. "Well, when your hands are covered in syrup like that, I'd definitely like you to ask. But when you're syrup free, you can hug me whenever you want."

Sam grinned, accepting this answer, and then dipped his fingers into the syrup cup again. He had run out of pancake, and it seemed like he didn't want to waste any of the sticky goodness.

Tom appeared then with two plates of food. Rachel noted with some amusement that her plate had the requested eggs and toast, as well as some fruit and yogurt. She raised an eyebrow at Tom.

"In case you want it," he explained, and then sat down with his own breakfast. He had eggs, bacon, and hash browns, and dug in with gusto. Rachel smiled fondly at him, and ate as much of the food as she could stomach. She managed an entire piece of toast, most of the eggs, and even some of the yogurt. She found herself taking an extra bite every time Tom looked over and smiled at her, just so that he would look at her like that again - like he was proud of her. She was certain he knew exactly what he was doing, but she couldn't be mad at him.

"I have to get to the bridge," Tom explained when breakfast was over. Jed had managed to make Sam sit still long enough to get most of the syrup off of his fingers, and the little boy jumped up to climb into his father's lap.

"And I should get back to the lab," Rachel added. "I need to see how many doses of the cure Quincy, Rios, and Bertrise managed to make last night. Also I should probably work on organizing the new supplies. When are we heading back to Baltimore?"

Tom stiffened. "1800. Do you need to come with us?" he asked cautiously.

Rachel put her hand on his arm. "Yes. I need to teach them how to make the cure on their own. It'll be OK, Tom. I'll be fine. You don't even have to let me out of your sight if you don't want."

"Fine," he relented, not happy about it but not willing to fight when he knew he would lose. "But don't be surprised when I take you up on that. You will have two guards at all times, and you are not to go anywhere I cannot see you."

Rachel rolled her eyes, but nodded, agreeing. After seeing him post-nightmare this morning, she knew that his fear was real.

"Can I come with you to the bridge, daddy?" Sam asked. The sugar had made it's way into his system, and he was spinning in circles in the middle of the cafeteria.

Tom laughed and shook his head. "No, buddy, I'm afraid not."

"Can I go with Rachel, then?"

Rachel gave Sam an apologetic look. "Sorry, love, but the lab isn't safe for small children."

Sam stopped spinning and started pouting. Tom knew just how to distract him.

"I am going to have some of the crew work on taking one of the couches out of my cabin and replacing it with some bunk beds for you and Ashley, though," he said, and Sam perked up at the mention of bunk beds. He had always wanted bunk beds before all of this began.

"Can I have the top bed?" he asked excitedly. Tom laughed, and nodded.

"Sure, bud. But I have a very important job for you today."

Sam nodded eagerly, his bright blue eyes focused on his dad.

"I need you to help them out. Those beds are pretty heavy, and they're going to need your help to move the pillows and blankets and stuff."

Sam nodded vigorously.

"Got it! I can do it, Daddy!"

Tom looked at Jed, about to ask if he could watch the kids while he was on the bridge, but his father waved him away.

"I've been their babysitter for five months now. I've got this, Tommy."

Tom nodded; having his father watch the kids probably wasn't a great permanent solution, but it would work for now.

"Can we all have lunch together, too?" Ashley asked quietly from where she was sitting in front of her mostly empty plate. Rachel reached over and put an arm around the little girl, squeezing her tightly.

"I'm sure I can escape the lab for a little bit," she agreed. "Noon?"

Ashley nodded, and Sam and Jed agreed, too. Tom smiled at them all and said, "I can make that work. 1200 hours. I'll see you all then."

Tom kissed each of his kids on the forehead, and then squeezed Rachel's hand before standing. "I have to go get dressed. I'll see you later."

Rachel nodded, and returned his squeeze before letting his hand go. "Love you," she said, a warm feeling spreading through her chest when he smiled, leaned down, and kissed her softly.

"Love you, too."