Chapter 16: I Am The Fire
December 9th, 2013 - 2400 (Midnight)
It was, Rachel reflected, a very good idea that Tom had made them dress before falling asleep.
It wasn't even two hours later that Sam was crawling into the bed, climbing over his father and settling between the two of them. Rachel scooted and made room for his warm little body between theirs.
"Hey, love," she whispered, watching as the boy laid his head on Tom's chest and stuck his fingers in his mouth. "Did you have a nightmare?"
Sam nodded, and Tom groaned, waking up slowly as he heard their voices. He reached a hand out automatically to brush over his son's soft hair. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked, yawning. He reached his other hand out and entwined Rachel's fingers with his, smiling at her over Sam's head.
"It was about mommy. I dreamed about when she got sick."
Rachel made a soft noise, and reached to put a hand on Sam's back. She rubbed comforting circles.
Sam continued, "Ashley said your mommy died, too, Rachel."
"She did," Rachel confirmed.
"Do you still get sad sometimes, too?"
Rachel nodded, continuing to rub Sam's back as the boy sucked on his fingers.
"I do. It gets easier, love, but I do still get sad sometimes. I miss her. When something happens, and I want to tell my mother about it, that's when I miss her the most."
Sam nodded. "I wanted to tell mommy about what we did today. We got to play outside on the boat and see all the water, and I kept thinking that I wanted mommy there with me and Ashley and grandpa. It made me sad."
Tom closed his eyes, his heart hurting for his son.
"Daddy, do you miss mommy?"
Tom felt Rachel's hand squeeze his, and he looked at her. She was smiling softly at him, nodding her head, encouraging him to be vulnerable with his son. He wasn't necessarily the most emotionally demonstrative person on this ship. His children and Rachel continued to be the exceptions.
"Yeah, buddy," he said, hugging Sam tightly to him. "I do miss your mother a lot."
"Even though you have Rachel?"
Tom nodded. "Of course. I love Rachel very much, but that doesn't mean I loved your mother any less, or that I don't miss her. Just like I can love you and Ashley, loving Rachel doesn't mean I've forgotten, or want you to forget, your mom."
"K. I'm glad I'm not the only one missing her. It makes my chest hurt sometimes," he said, pressing his fingers into his chest to show where the pain was. "I know I'm a big boy and shouldn't cry, but sometimes I can't help it."
Tom frowned down at his son. He had never been a fan of that 'real men don't cry' propaganda, and wondered where his son had heard that from. His grandfather, mostly likely. Unfortunately Jed had some old fashion views, and Tom couldn't fault him for what he'd told the kids in his absence. He hadn't been there, and Jed had, for over five months, been the only parent Sam and Ashley'd had.
"It's OK to cry, buddy," he said.
Rachel smiled and added, "Even your daddy cries sometimes, love. I cry when I'm sad, too. There's nothing wrong with crying. In fact, it's good for you, to let yourself grieve."
"Daddy cries?" Sam asked, looking up at his father with big, blue eyes.
Tom nodded. "Sometimes when I'm sad or scared."
"Ooooh," Sam said. "Like when Rachel was sleeping and wouldn't wake up. I saw you cry then."
Tom sucked in a breath at the reminder of holding Rachel's limp body in his arms. When she was sleeping and wouldn't wake up. God, he would never get that image out of his mind. He nodded, squeezing Rachel's hand a little tighter. "Yeah, like then."
"OK."
Sam seemed satisfied and finished with the conversation, and was happy to snuggle down between the two adults.
He was snoring softly within five minutes, and Rachel chuckled quietly, patting him softly on the back. She glanced up to see Tom staring at her through sleepy eyes.
"I was planning on a second round tonight," he lamented, and Rachel rolled her eyes.
"Good job Sam came in to stop it, then. I wouldn't be able to walk tomorrow if we did anything else tonight."
Tom smirked in pride, and leaned over Sam to kiss her on the cheek.
He settled back down, and Rachel could feel a subtle shift in mood in the room.
When she glanced back up, Tom looked contemplative.
She reached out and took his hand again.
"You know it's OK for you to miss her, right?" she asked, and she knew she had correctly guessed what he was worried about when his eyes widened and he suddenly wouldn't look her in the eyes. She wished that Sam wasn't between them so that she could get closer to him. "Tom," she said, and when he glanced up there were tears in his eyes.
"I don't want to hurt you," he said, and a single tear slipped free from his eye and trailed slowly down his cheek.
Overcome with the need to hold him, Rachel sat up and gently placed one hand under Sam's knees and the other under his neck. She picked him up and shifted him into the spot she had been previously occupying so that she could crawl up next to Tom and take him into her arms.
As soon as she wrapped her arms around his neck, he broke, pressing his face into her and muffling his sobs against her skin. She held him as he cried, rubbing his back in the same way she had for Sam.
"It's OK, love," she whispered. "It's OK for you to miss her. You aren't hurting me, please never think that. I don't want you to hide your pain for my sake."
It took a very long time for Tom to calm himself down. His throat felt raw and his eyes burned by the time that he ran out of tears. He knew that he looked terrible, but the way that Rachel smiled at him with love in her eyes took his breath away.
"I love you," he whispered, and she nodded.
"I know. But you still miss Darien, and that's OK, Tom. Please, please believe me. I know you don't love me any less because you're missing her."
He truly didn't know how she was such a wonderful person. How she could love him, and his children, so much. How she could be so understanding and encouraging to them when it came to Darien. Most women would be jealous or feel like Darien was a threat, but Rachel seemed determined to make sure that the memory of the children's mother stayed alive and well in their minds.
"Is all of this coming on because we had sex last night?" Rachel asked gently, her fingers caressing his cheek, wiping away the tears that were clinging stubbornly to his lashes.
Tom sucked in a deep breath, but then nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, a little, I think." He pulled back from Rachel's embrace, just enough that he could find her hand and take it into his own. "I don't regret anything. I swear," he said quickly, in case she got the wrong idea.
But Rachel just smiled. "I know, Tom. I don't regret anything, either. But, if I'm correct, then last night was the first time you have slept with anyone other than Darien in over 15 years."
"17," Tom confirmed, and Rachel brought their clasped hands to rest over her heart.
"Tom, I would be concerned if you weren't feeling this way," she said. "You loved your wife for 17 years. That's half of your life. Moving on is hard, and I don't expect you to be over her. Loving someone new doesn't cancel out the past half of your life."
Tom nodded, but didn't speak.
"You don't have to be OK. You've spent so long comforting me. Now, it's my turn to be here for you. Let me hold you and comfort you tonight. Please?"
Tom nodded again. He was unable to do anything else currently.
Rachel kissed him on the forehead, and then hugged Tom to her chest, letting him rest his head where their hands had been, right over her heart. She knew that he was listening to her heartbeat, letting it comfort him as he fell asleep.
December 9th, 2013 - 0540 (5:40 am)
By the time he woke up in the morning, Ashley had managed to find her way into bed with them as well. Tom woke up sweating, Ashley squished between him and Rachel, and Sam pressed up against his other side. He didn't know how Sam had gone from being against the wall on the other side of Rachel to clinging to Tom's back, but he was feeling a little claustrophobic by the time there was a knock on the door that gave him a reason to dig himself out of the pile of bodies he was suffocating under.
As he walked to the door, he brushed a hand over his face, hoping that there was no evidence of his breakdown last night. He could feel his eyes stinging, so he knew they were probably still red, but he couldn't do much about that.
He gave a brief thought to the fact that he was only wearing boxers and a t-shirt, but considering that it was likely only his father or Mike on the other side, he decided not to worry about it.
He opened the door to see Mike, just like he had anticipated.
This was now the third time that Tom had opened his door to find Mike in front of it with Rachel in the bed behind him. They should probably talk about just moving her things into his quarters. He strongly doubted they would be sleeping apart any time soon.
"Everything OK?" he asked, gesturing Mike in.
"Yeah," Mike confirmed. "Just wanted to let you know that we're scheduled to dock in Norfolk by 1100 hours. Didn't mean to wake you, man. Normally you're up and ready to go by 0500."
"Sam had a nightmare," Tom explained, figuring that he could leave out the spectacular sex and his own breakdown the night before. "Misses his mom."
Mike nodded.
"What's on your mind, Mike?" he asked. He knew that his XO hadn't just come to let him know when they would be docking. That could have waited until their meeting at 0600, or when he got to the bridge at 0800.
"I want to take a team to Deer Park to find my family."
Tom nodded. "Yeah, I know. We've talked about this. I think it's good idea."
"Right," Mike said, and then, "I know. But I want Rachel to be on the team that goes. I think she would be the best one to distribute and teach them how to use the cure."
"Ah," Tom said, and felt the panic creeping up his throat again. He swallowed it down as best he could. Though he hated the idea of Rachel being on shore again, especially on the trip to the safe zone, he knew that it was necessary, and would be repeatedly necessary over the coming months. He would just have to make sure she had a good team with her at all times to ensure her safety, including him. "OK. That's fine. But Tex, Danny, and I will be on the team, too, then."
Mike blinked in surprise at his Captain.
"Damn. I thought for sure that I was going to have a bigger fight on my hands."
Tom shrugged. "I don't control her choices. And I know that if we were to ask her, she would insist on going. She can bring the cure, teach people to use it, and help anyone who is sick or hurt. She won't stand for being left behind. That doesn't mean that I won't protect her with my life, though. Our best men will be accompanying us on the trip, two of whom will never let her out of their sight."
Mike nodded. "I would expect nothing less. All right then, boss. I'll leave you be until our meeting this morning. Will Dr. Scott be coming?"
"Yeah. She has a pretty comprehensive list of places she wants to visit. We need to see which ones will be feasible with fuel and food considerations."
"All right. I'll see you both then," Mike said, heading toward the door.
Tom closed the hatch behind him, and turned to find Rachel staring at him from the bed, and the sight before him made his heart swell in his chest. He felt like he couldn't breathe as she sleepily blinked at him. Ashley was now curled into her, her head on Rachel's chest and her hands wrapped around her waist. Sam, probably feeling alone when Tom had slipped out of the bed, had squeezed his way between them, his head resting on Ashley's stomach and his hand tangled in Rachel's shirt.
It was such an inviting sight that he couldn't help but walk back over and climb in beside them. He kissed Rachel on the lips chastely as he wrapped his arms around them all.
"Eavesdropping?" he asked, and Rachel shrugged.
"A little," she admitted. "Thank you."
"For what?" he asked in confusion.
Rachel smiled at him (he would never get tired of her smiling at him).
"For what you said to Mike. I love that you believe in me, and trust me to make my own choices. People have tried to control me all of my life, and I'm glad that you aren't like that."
Tom nodded, although he felt a little bad. He had been like that in the beginning, trying to command her the way that he commanded the crew on his ship.
"I will do everything within my power to keep you safe," he said. "I love that you are so determined to help people. You are a good person." He paused, and then added, "That doesn't mean it doesn't scare the shit out of me every time you leave the ship, though. Just keep that in mind. I already have enough grey hair."
Rachel laughed. "Your grey hair makes you look sexy," she said. "And distinguished." She ran her fingers through the hair in question, giggling when it made his hair stand up even more than it already did.
"What's funny?" a little voice asked, and Rachel's grin grew as she looked down at Sam. He was awake, resting where he had squeezed himself into the microscopic space between Ashley and Rachel.
"Grown up stuff," Tom said, reaching out to grab Sam around the waist. He lifted him up into the air, and then settled the little boy onto his chest. Sam looked like he was getting ready to get comfy and snuggle up to his father when Tom began tickling his sides.
Sam shrieked, kicking out and catching his sister in the hip. She awoke with a yelp, and Rachel collapsed into giggles on the far side of the bed.
Tom sighed.
"We need a bigger bed."
December 9th, 2013 - 0600 (6:00 am)
0600 found them all back in the stateroom. Rachel was busy organizing her notes while Tom was trying to convince her to drink some tea and eat a muffin. Mike and Jeter were watching in amusement as their Captain took on the role of mother hen.
"Rachel."
"Tom, I'm busy."
"You were the one who told me the other day you could work and eat at the same time."
Rachel sighed and glared up at Tom before purposely taking a large bite out of the muffin.
Tom grinned widely and then turned back to his men.
"Where were we?" he asked, and Mike snorted to hide his laughter.
Rachel chewed her bite of muffin, swallowed, and then said, "I have compiled a list of coastal cities that are most likely to have a working lab. I have over 25, but I am assuming we can't make that many stops."
Tom sat down with his own muffin and cup of coffee. "Obviously our first stop is Norfolk. After that, we are allocating six months to the mission. Considering travel time, plus 2-3 days in each city to distribute the cure and set up anyone we find with the means to make and distribute more, we can hit around 20 cities."
"That's more than I anticipated," Rachel admitted, shuffling her notes. "I will work on the best route, starting in Norfolk. The next few cities where I expect we would find what we need would be Jacksonville, Florida, Exumas in the Bahamas, Santo Domingo in the Dominican Republic, Rio de Janeiro, and then Buenos Ares in Argentina. Who do I need to work with to decide on stops for fuel and food?"
When she looked up from her papers, all three men were staring at her in surprise.
"What?" she asked defensively.
"How long have you been working on this?" Tom asked, wonder in his voice as he stared at her.
"This was the logical next step," she said. "It didn't take that long. It's not rocket science."
Tom shook his head; she would never cease to amaze him.
"Um," Mike cut in. "I can work with you on deciding stops for fuel and food. We can sit down when we leave Norfolk, work on it together."
Rachel nodded. "All right. So what's the plan for today, when we go to shore?"
The topic of conversation shifted swiftly, moving easily into the plan for this afternoon.
"We will disembark at 1100 hours," Mike started. "Deer Park is approximately 27.7 miles from Norfolk. We have no idea what the roads will be like, so we're planning the whole day for travel time. Assuming we can find working vehicles. If not, then we have to go to Plan B, which will take much longer."
Tom continued, "We will be taking a team of 7. Mike, myself, Rachel, Danny, Tex, Cruz, and Miller. Tex and Danny are assigned to you," he said to Rachel. "To keep you safe."
Rachel open her mouth to argue, but Tom held up a hand.
"Compromise," he reminded her. She blew out a breath and nodded. "Also I don't want you out of my sight if at all possible. We have no idea what we're going to find."
When she didn't argue, he continued.
"When we get to Deer Park, the plan could change based on what we find. If it is in fact a stable safe zone, we will vaccinate everyone there and work with them to see if there is anyone there who can work on making and distributing the cure to the surrounding areas. If it is not what we are expecting, or if we find no one, we will regroup and revise the plan on the fly. If we discover hostiles, then the priorities are first to secure Dr. Scott and the cure, and second to retreat without causalities."
Rachel very much wanted to argue Tom's last point, but knew that this was the compromise that they had struck. She was free to make her own choices, but he was free to protect her with whoever he felt was necessary.
"Secondary to the mission," Mike cut in. "Is to look for my family. Christine and my girls were there, last I heard."
Rachel's heart went out to the man, and she prayed fervently that they would find his family alive and safe.
Mike's announcement was met with silence. Everyone was hoping for the best for their commander, but knew that they should probably expect the worst.
Finally, Jeter spoke up.
"Anything else, gentleman, Dr. Scott?" he asked. No one responded, so he stood to his feet and nodded to them. "I am going to rest between now and then so I can take over the bridge while you are gone," he said. Then, "I will pray that you find your family safe and sound," to Mike.
Mike smiled his thanks and then stood up as well. "See you on the bridge at 0800, Captain."
Rachel stood too, her tea in one hand and her notes in the other. She leaned over and kissed Tom on the cheek.
"I need to get back to the lab. Gotta make as many doses as I can, since we don't know what to expect at Deer Park," she explained. "I'll see you soon."
Tom nodded, and then he, too, stood to his feet.
He had two hours before he needed to report to the bridge. He wanted to get his kids settled with his father, and talk to them about why he would be gone for rest of the day, at the very least.
He sighed, not looking forward to it. It would be like deployment all over again, but with more compacted trauma on the children's part.
December 9th, 2013 - 0720 (7:20 am)
"But you'll come home, right, Daddy?"
Sam was staring at him with wide, blue eyes, and sucking on his fingers again. Tom knew that they needed to work on breaking that habit, but figured it couldn't harm him much for now.
Ashley looked much less happy. She was older, and remembered more of his deployments then Sam did. She looked very much like she wanted to get upset at him, but was trying hard not to.
"I promise I will do my very best to come home to you," he assured them. "You know how Rachel found you and brought you back to me, so we could be a family again?"
Sam nodded from his spot on his father's lap.
"We're going to go look for Uncle Mike's kids, and their mom. You remember Hannah and Lucy?"
Ashley nodded. Hannah was her age, Lucy two years older, and they had spent a lot of time together when their fathers had been deployed. "If you find them, can they come live on the ship with us?"
Tom nodded. "Yeah, baby. If we find them they'll come live with us, just like you and Sam do."
Ashley looked happy about that for a moment, and then her face fell. "But what if they got sick? Like mommy?"
Tom sighed and held out an arm to her, encouraging her to come snuggle into his side. "We will do the best we can, baby. If they got sick a long time ago, like mommy did, then there's nothing we can do to save them. But if they got sick recently, like you and Sam and Grandpa, then we can give them the cure and bring them home with us."
"I'm sure glad that Rachel made the cure," Sam sighed, tucking his head into his father's side.
Tom smiled. "Me, too, buddy."
"I love you, daddy," Ashley said, and then kissed him on the cheek. "I'll take care of Sammy while you're gone. When you come home, can we have dinner with Rachel again? That was fun."
Tom nodded and kissed his son and daughter before standing to his feet. "I love you both more than anything. I'll see you soon."
Tom handed both kids to his father, hugged him briefly, and then walked out the door, casting a final glance back at his children.