Chapter 19: I Am The Fire

December 10th, 2013 - 0125 (1:25 am)

The nightmare that Tom woke up to that night was easily the worst one he had ever seen her have. By the time he was alert enough to realize what was happening, Rachel was thrashing, screaming, and had tears running down her face.

He wasn't the only one she had woken up, either. As Tom reached to take Rachel into his arms, he noticed that Tex, Danny, and several of the members of the safe zone were sitting up with worried looks on their faces.

"Rachel," he said urgently, shaking her gently. She responded to his touch by yelling out in her sleep, trying to get away from him. His heart broke as he realized what she was dreaming about, but doubled his efforts to wake her up. He pulled himself into a sitting position and hauled Rachel into his lap, pressing his chest against her back and wrapping his arms around her, settling one large palm on her chest. He could feel her heart thundering beneath his fingertips.

"Rachel, sweetheart, it's time to wake up," he begged, rocking them back and forth.

After a few moments he could tell that she was beginning to come out of the grips of her nightmare, and her body started to relax as her eyes fluttered open.

She turned and stared at him for one brief moment, her eyes moist and her face red and tear stained. And then she lurched forward and threw up on the floor, gasping for breath as she clutched at her chest.

"It's OK," Tom whispered, leaning forward to sweep her hair away from her face and hold it back for her. "Let it all out, baby."

Rachel threw up again, and then a third time.

"She all right, Cap?" Tex asked, concern lacing his voice. He looked like he wanted to come over to their makeshift bed to make sure that Rachel was OK, but he stayed where he was, likely because he didn't want to make things worse by approaching her after she'd so clearly been dreaming about the men aboard the Vyerni.

"I don't know," Tom admitted. "This has never happened after a nightmare before."

As he spoke, Rachel turned back to him with wide eyes. She was still gasping for breath, and now she was opening and closing her mouth like she wanted to say something but couldn't. Her fingers were digging into the material of her borrowed t-shirt, scratching frantically at her chest.

Tom and Tex realized it at the same time.

"Shit. Panic attack," Tex said, and Tom nodded, reaching to pull Rachel back into his arms.

"A bad one," he agreed, settling her back against his chest once more as he began to whisper to her. "Rachel, sweetheart, you're safe. You're with me and Tex and the team, and we're at the Deer Park safe zone. Take a breath in for me please?"

Rachel shook her head frantically, her tears flowing freely now. Tom could feel her trembling against his chest, her body warm and clammy.

"You have to breathe, baby," he whispered, and Rachel tried her very best. She opened her mouth to draw in air, but her lungs refused, and she only ended up choking on her own spit.

She could hear Tom behind her. His voice was calm, soothing, but she couldn't understand what he was saying. All she knew was that she felt like she was going to throw up again, and that the blackness at the edge of her vision was slowly closing in. She knew if she couldn't manage to breathe, that she was going to pass out, but knowing didn't make it any easier for her to breathe past the huge weight that had settled on her chest.

"Breathe," Tom reminded her, and showed her how, taking a deep, exaggerated breath against her back. "Breathe in for 5, and then out for 5," he said, and then counted off the seconds as she tried to draw in a breath.

Rachel made it to one second before she couldn't take in any more air. She was frustrated that her body wouldn't listen to her, but Tom only kissed her forehead and praised her.

"That was so good, baby," he said. "Let's do it again. Breathe in for as long as you can, just for me, OK?"

Rachel nodded. She wanted to. She gave it her very best effort, and made it to two seconds this time before roughly expelling all the air she had been able to take in.

"You're doing great," Tom murmured against her temple, his lips brushing her sweaty skin as he spoke. "Again. 1... 2... 3... "

It took longer than it ever had to calm her down. By the time she was able to breathe in for five seconds, hold it, and then breathe out for five seconds, a good ten minutes had passed.

Rachel sobbed, collapsing against Tom's chest as he continued to soothe her.

"There you are. Good job, baby. I'm so proud of you," he cooed, and his was voice softer than she had ever heard from him before. He wrapped his arms around her and hugged her tightly to his chest. As he held her, gently brushing the sweaty strands of hair away from her face, he took a few seconds to calm himself down.

"Sorry," she whispered, and he shook his head vehemently.

"You have nothing to apologize for," he said, his own voice breaking. "Nothing."

She nodded, and as she cuddled into his chest, she was vaguely aware of people moving around them. Someone brought her a cup of water, while someone else dealt with the vomit on the floor. She felt helpless, useless, but every time she tried to apologize, Tom, and Tex, and whoever else was helping her, told her that she had nothing to be sorry for.

She wanted to believe them, but she felt so weak.

She had been dreaming about something that hadn't even happened.

As if sensing where her thoughts had gone, Tom kissed her forehead again and then leaned back just far enough to catch her eye. He smiled, brushing away a few stray tears with his thumb as he spoke.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked.

She very much did not want to talk about it, but she knew that if she told Tom, he would reassure her that it really hadn't happened. Because even though she knew, logically, that Tom and Tex had arrived in time to save her, her brain kept betraying her, sending flash after flash of what had happened in her dreams back to her.

"You didn't get there in time," she whispered, and Tom frowned, confused.

"Get where in time?" he asked gently, and Rachel sniffed and rubbed a hand across her eyes.

"I was dreaming that you didn't save me in time on-on the Vyerni," she clarified, and she felt Tom suck a deep breath in. She continued, "I was dreaming that they were raping me. Holding me down so I couldn't get away, again and a-again."

Tom felt anger well up inside him, but also a great sorrow.

"That didn't happen," he reassured her as his own tears fell free. "We got there in time. Remember? I shot the one holding you, and Tex got the other. They're gone, sweetheart. They're dead. We destroyed their whole ship. They can't hurt you anymore."

Rachel nodded. She knew. She knew, but it was so hard to convince herself when the vivid images of her dreams kept haunting her.

"What can I do to help?" Tom begged.

But Rachel shook her head. There wasn't anything he could do other than what he was already doing.

"Let's just lay down, please?" she asked, suddenly exhausted. "And hold me."

"I am holding you," Tom pointed out, gently rearranging them so that they were laying horizontal again. He tugged the blanket back over them, and as he did, he caught Tex's worried gaze. The other man had been watching them, scared for his friend, the entire time. Tom tried to smile reassuringly at him, but he wasn't sure he succeeded.

Tex asked, "Are you guys OK?"

Rachel sighed and pressed her forehead to Tom's chest.

"No," she said honestly. "But we will be. Thank you, Tex," she added, and pulled away from Tom long enough to smile at him.

He nodded, and then crawled back into his own bed. He likely wouldn't sleep the rest of the night, he knew. He wanted to keep watch over his friends.

December 10th, 2013 - 0600 (6:00 am)

Rachel counted herself lucky that she didn't have any other nightmares that night. She had woken up once or twice more, but never to the same terror, and each time she woke up either Tex or Tom were already awake and ready to reassure her that she was safe.

She had a sneaking suspicion that they were sleeping in shifts, but she couldn't find it in her to be annoyed.

"Hey, Doc," Tex whispered when she woke up. This time she knew it was properly morning; the sun was shining in through the few windows in the large gym, and people around her had started waking up to start their day.

"Hey," she croaked, and then coughed, wincing at the hoarseness of her throat. "What time is it?"

Tex scooted closer to her and handed her a cup of water.

"6 in the morning," he said, and then put a finger to his lips, motioning behind her. "Captain's still sleeping."

"That's surprising," she said, smiling softly as she glanced behind her to see Tom sprawled out on his back. The arm that she wasn't laying on was stretched out above his head, and his lips were open in a silent snore.

Tex shrugged. "He was up most of the night after your nightmare. Scared him, I think."

Rachel frowned. "He shouldn't have done that. He needs sleep, too. Who knows how long we're going to have to walk today."

"Ah, don't give the man any grief," Tex said. "It's only been two days since you died in his arms and he had to give you CPR to bring you back. He's got a right to his fear."

Rachel nodded. "I'm sorry to put you all through this," she said quietly. "I don't mean to attract trouble everywhere I go."

Tex laughed quietly. "I know, darlin'," he said. "But maybe take his concerns more seriously. Take less risks. I don't think he would be able to cope if he lost you, too."

"I know," she said. "I'm trying. There's just so much left to do. We have barely even made a dent in the work left to cure the world."

"Yeah, but hon, you aren't alone," Tex reminded her softly. "You did the hard part. You might have been the only person on the whole damn planet who could make the cure, but you're not the only one who can distribute it. Let us help you. You don't have to carry the entire weight of the world on your shoulders anymore. You're not alone."

Rachel's lower lip wobbled.

You're not alone.

Before she knew what was happening, Tex was kneeling in front of the bed she shared with Tom, his hand on her arm and a concerned look on his face.

"Rachel," he said softly, and she realized then that tears were slowly trailing down her cheeks. "I'm sorry, hon. I didn't mean to upset you. What did I do wrong?"

Rachel shook her head, sniffling and wiping away the tears as quickly as she could. "Nothing. You didn't do anything wrong. I just... Tex, I've been alone for so long." She laughed, a half hysterical sound. "Since my mother died when I was ten, I have been taking care of myself. I have done everything by myself. I couldn't cry in front of my father or he would get mad. I made my own school lunch. I put myself through college. I was alone at my graduation. I have always been alone."

"You're not alone now," Tex said. He made a sad sound and reached out his arms to her. She carefully crawled out of Tom's embrace, trying not to wake him, and accepted Tex's hug.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"You're most welcome, Rachel."

They broke apart several moments later, chuckling, when they heard Tom's voice, gruff and muffled from where he'd thrown his arm over his face to block out the light.

"Quit trying to steal my girl, Tex."

Rachel walked back over to him, sitting down and leaning over to kiss his lips softly.

"You should be thanking him, love. He's lecturing me about being more careful and taking less risks so that I don't give you a heart attack."

Tom grinned from under his arm, and then groaned as he sat up. He turned, laying his head on Rachel's shoulder and wrapping his arms around her waist, hauling her into his lap.

"Are you OK?" He whispered, sleepily kissing the warm skin he found under his lips.

"I will be," she replied, resting her head against his. "Sorry about last night. You didn't have to stay up and watch over me."

"Hmm," he said noncommittally. "Didn't mean to, just couldn't sleep."

"Well, we'll just have to make sure we rest tonight when we get back to the ship," she said.

"Sounds good to me."

He pulled back from her and then groaned again as he stood up. He was too damn old to be sleeping on the floor anymore. "When are we planning on leaving today?"

"Well," Rachel began. "If we end up walking, and based on the amount of rain we got, it's looking likely, we're going to want to start out as soon as possible. At a relaxed pace, it'll take us around 9 hours to get back."

"And with the kids in tow," Tex added, nodding his head toward where Mike was sitting with his two daughters, "You can add on a few extra hours."

"All right then," Tom said, stretching to try and work some of the kinks out of his muscles. "Let's get packed."

December 10th, 2013 - 0730 (7:30 am)

An hour later they were on the road.

They had changed back into their clothes from the previous day, still muddy but at least dry, and had helped Christine and the girls pack their belongings into the bags that Rachel had emptied of the cure. They'd said goodbye to their new friends at Deer Park Elementary, who had assured them that they were welcome to visit any time, and had started out less than thirty minutes prior.

"Daddy," Hannah asked. "Are we there yet?"

Tom couldn't stop himself from laughing.

Mike shot him a dirty look.

"No, Hannah. I'm sorry sweetheart, but we have a long way to go. Once we get back to the SUVs, we'll see how far we can get in them. But we may have to walk a lot if the way."

With the mud, Rachel found herself thinking, they probably wouldn't get very far in the cars.

"Want a piggyback ride, sweetheart?" Tex chimed in, and the little girl cheered before running to him. Rachel grinned at them, and then turned to find Tom staring at her. She felt her cheeks pink at the soft look in his eyes.

"What?" she asked self-consciously. "Do I have something on my face?"

"No," he said. "It's just nice to see you smiling after last night."

Rachel reached over and grasped his hand. "I'd apologize again, but I feel like you'd just tell me I have nothing to be sorry for."

"And you'd be right, because you don't. You're hurting because of what someone else did. Healing is a process. Two steps forward, one step back. Last night was just a step back."

Rachel scoffed, kicking a rock that was on the path in front of her. "That was a large step backward."

"Maybe," Tom agreed easily, seemingly unbothered by the fact that she kept falling to pieces. He pulled their clasped hands to his mouth and kissed her knuckles before letting her hand drop. "But, one step at a time, you will get there. I heard what you said to Tex this morning. You may have been alone in the past, but you are not alone now. You have a lot of people who love you, and believe in you, and we will always be there for you."

Rachel just smiled at him, unable to put into words what she was feeling.

How, during the worst thing to ever happen to the world, had she found so many people who loved her? How had she found the time to build a misshapen, broken, wonderful, perfect family? Because these people were her family. Tom, the kids, Jed, Tex, Danny and Kara, Mike.

She would do anything for them.

"I love you," she finally whispered. Tom, seeming to understand that she didn't have any other words for what she was feeling, leaned over to wrap an arm around her shoulders. He kissed her softly, sweetly, on the temple. He pressed his face into her hair for several long moments, breathing her in, before responding.

"And I, you."

December 10th, 2013 - 2300 (11:00 pm)

It took them the rest of the day to trek back to the ship.

The men ended up taking turns carrying the children around mid-day, wiped out as the two little girls were. They had briefly considered stopping for a longer break, but had decided against it so that they wouldn't be walking in the dark.

The SUVs, as Rachel had predicted, had been useless in the mud. They had barely made it a mile before they had given up.

"Walking a marathon was not on my bucket list. I fear my legs are going to fall off," she complained as she exited the shower that evening. She didn't bother being quiet, as the children had fallen asleep in Jed's cabin before they had even returned to the ship. Tom chuckled from his spot on the couch. He, too, was freshly showered, and had just returned from the kitchens with dinner.

He handed her one of the containers. Inside were plain mashed potatoes, chicken, vegetables, and a slice of plain vanilla cake. The most bland food he could find, in hopes of convincing her to eat more than she had been the past few days.

"I know you don't feel hungry much," Tom said quickly when she eyed all of the food he had brought her. "But please try. We walked 27 miles today, and those were calories you can't really afford to lose. You've already lost weight these last two weeks. Please, for me?"

Rachel could already feel her stomach tighten at the sight of the food, but she knew he was right. She had lost weight, and walking as far as they did today should have made her ravenous.

She gave Tom a weak smile, and began taking little bites of the potatoes. He watched her carefully as he worked on his own meal, giving her a pleading look when she tried to stop half-way through the chicken.

In the end, after stopping several times and then starting again when Tom quietly asked her to, she had managed to eat everything. She prayed fervently that it stayed down. Her stomach was, shockingly, feeling calm. Full, almost uncomfortably full, but not like she was going to throw up.

She took a deep breath, and held out the empty container to him.

His smile was worth it all, she decided, her heart fluttering as a huge grin took over his face. Not one of his little smiles, or his sarcastic ones. This smile was elated, and she realized then how much worry she had caused him by not eating.

"I'll try harder from now on," she said, and he tossed their trash before gathering her into his arms.

"Thank you," he responded. Then, "Are you ready to go to bed?"

She nodded, and he took her by the hand to lead them into the bedroom.

They made love slowly and sweetly that night.

Rachel took the time to slowly explore Tom's body like she hadn't gotten a chance to their previous two encounters, kissing and asking about every scar. She mapped every single inch of his skin with first her hands and then her lips.

Tom spent several minutes licking and kissing and darkening the bruises on her inner thighs, loving the sight of his mark in such an intimate place. He made her come twice with his fingers and lips and tongue before entering her, stretching her perfectly. He moved within her slowly, his whole body wrapped around hers, his hands never settling as they caressed every inch of skin he could reach.

She hadn't cried during sex for a very long time. But as she came around him for the third and final time that night, she called out his name loudly in the darkness and closed her eyes, letting the tears fall freely.

"OK?" he asked softly, his thumb brushing a tear away, and she nodded. She reached back to grab his hand and held on tightly as he continued to move lazily inside of her.

"Yes," she whispered. Then, "I love you."

In that moment, she very much wanted him to come inside of her, but she knew it was a terrible idea to tempt fate any further than they already had. Instead, she slowly pulled off of him and turned around in his arms, wrapping her hand around his length. Moments later, he bit down hard on her neck as he came, trying to muffle his groan, and she knew she would have a mark there in the morning.

When they were done, Tom cleaned them both with a wet, warm cloth. He tossed it in the corner when he was finished, and then curled around her, naked, in their bed.

There were no nightmares that night.