Chapter 20: I Am The Fire

December 11th, 2013 - 0800 (8:00 am)

The next morning Rachel was sitting in the lab, one headphone in her left ear and working on creating as much of the cure as she could, when there was a tentative knock on the door. She looked up, expecting Tom or one of the kids, and was shocked to see Kara Foster standing in her doorway.

She smiled, taking her earbud out and motioning for the young officer to come in. Kara stepped into the room, biting her lip as she walked up to Rachel's desk.

"Hey, Dr. Scott," she said, sitting down when Rachel motioned to the empty chair across from her. "I, um. I have kind of a medical question, and I was hoping you could help me out."

"Of course I'll help you if I can," she said. "But you know I'm not really a medical doctor, right? I'm helpful in a pinch, but Doctor Rios is really the one to go to for medical information."

Kara nodded. "I know. But. I was ... wanting to keep this quiet? In case I'm wrong, I don't want to start any rumors."

Intrigued, Rachel leaned forward in her seat, clasping her hands together and resting them on the desk. She met the young woman's gaze, and could feel whatever latent mothering instincts had surfaced when she'd met Sam and Ashley coming out full force. "What's wrong, love?" she asked.

"I ... I think I might be pregnant."

Rachel was shocked, but nodded. "Yes. OK, I could see why you would want that test to be run quietly. That is in fact something I can do, love. I can do it right now if you'd like."

"Yes, please," Kara said, breathing out a huge sigh of relief. "My period is over a week late. And sometimes I am late, and I wouldn't be shocked if it was just stress, because these last weeks have literally been the worst in my entire life. But. Um. Also, there's a possibility that I could be pregnant because I have had unprotected sex. So, I just wanted to see. To make sure."

Rachel nodded in understanding, feeling a fluttering in her stomach as she stood up. She would actually need to run this test on herself in a week or so, just to make sure. And also probably routinely since a lack of birth control was now a problem she had to worry about.

"Just stay right there," she said, and left Kara sitting at her desk to gather her supplies. A butterfly needle, a vial, and a test strip for the mass spectrometer. She was back in moments. Kara looked up when she returned, and gave Rachel a nervous smile. "It's an easy test. Just a little blood. Are you ready?"

Kara nodded, and held out her arm. Rachel swabbed the inside of her elbow with a disinfectant wipe and then carefully inserted the butterfly needle. She pushed the vial onto the end of the needle and watched as Kara's blood flowed slowly into the glass.

"Is there a specific result you're hoping for?" she asked conversationally as she removed the needle.

Kara just shrugged. "I mean, I've always wanted to have a baby. But now is like, a really terrible time. Also I'm navy, and ... if it's positive, I'm going to have to tell people soon, and that will mean admitting that I have been breaking regulations for several months. There could be... some serious consequences."

Rachel hummed in sympathy as she inserted the blood into the mass spec.

"So, the potential father is someone on board, then? Navy?"

It was a silly question - when in the last six months would Kara have been able to spend any quality time with someone outside of the ship? It had to be, which meant that Kara was right to be concerned. The navy had strict regulations regarding relationships between officers. Although, Rachel had a bit of an in with the Captain. The world was ending. Surely if regulations could ever be bent, now was the time.

"Yes," Kara confirmed. "Do you know Lt. Danny Green?"

Rachel smiled widely, nodding. "Yes. He has saved my life more than once. He's a good man."

"Yeah," Kara said, smiling and nodding. "And... and I really love him. I don't want this... I don't want to ruin his career."

"Well," Rachel said, sitting back down and taking Kara's hand into her own to comfort the young woman. "If you are pregnant, Kara, then it is not only your burden to bare. Danny had an equal part in all of the decisions that led to this. If it hurts your career, or his, then the blame does not lay solely on your shoulders."

Kara nodded, but she didn't seem convinced. She started picking nervously at her fingernail, her eyes downcast.

"Kara," Rachel said, and waited until she looked up. "If, and I stress the word 'if', because I think Captain Chandler would be more understanding and lenient than you may believe. But if you or Danny get into trouble because of this, then it is an equal distribution of blame. Sex is a two person decision. And Danny is a good man. He won't put the blame all on you."

Kara sniffed, but offered her a small smile.

"You really think the Captain would understand?"

Rachel smiled, thinking carefully of how to word her response. Captain Chandler would probably understand more now than he would have a few months ago, considering that he, too, had started a relationship with someone on board. True, she wasn't Navy, but their relationship would still probably be frowned upon by many were the world not in shambles.

"I do. I believe he will be angry, but once he has a chance to think about it, he will calm down. A bit of a temper, that one," she said fondly, and Kara laughed.

"Yes, I have seen his temper. I still remember when we were attacked in the arctic and he yelled at us all to get out of the Helo Bay so he could yell at you. We could hear him through the doors."

Rachel scoffed, remembering the confrontation. That one conversation with Thomas Chandler had truly showed her how passionate the man could be. When she had gone toe to toe with him that day she had felt a fire come alive inside of her that had been doused for too long. Arguing with the Captain had made her heart race and her cheeks flush. Yes, it had not been a nice conversation necessarily, but she could look back on it now with fondness.

"We broke the rules," Kara said after a pause. "There will be consequences."

"Yes," Rachel agreed. "There will be. But I don't think they will be career ruining consequences."

There were a few moments of silence before Kara spoke up again.

"Hey, can I ask you something?" she inquired, and Rachel nodded, checking the machine. A few minutes left before they would know.

"Of course."

"We were, that is I was wondering. Me and some of the others. You and Captain Chandler seem pretty close."

Rachel chuckled softly; she could feel a light blush spread over her cheeks. "That's not a question," she pointed out, and Kara grinned.

"Yes. Sorry. I didn't want to force you to say anything you didn't want to, and when you ask a 'yes' or 'no' question, you kind of force the person to respond through body language or facial expressions. I just was curious, if you wanted to talk about it."

"Well," Rachel began. "I appreciate you asking the way you did. I don't know if I should be talking about it a lot, or if he wants us to really tell anyone. But yes, we are very close. I care about him very much."

Kara nodded. "I think most people suspect, but no one wants to say anything. Especially not to the Captain. It's just so easy to see that he's happy. More relaxed. It's good for everyone, I think. I'm happy for you. And for him."

"If he tries to give you and Danny shit, I'll make him sleep on the couch," Rachel promised, and Kara laughed.

"I appreciate it!"

Rachel was opening her mouth to say something more when the mass spectrometer beside her beeped. Instead of what she was going to say, she inquired, "Are you ready to find out?"

Kara took a deep, shaking breath, and then nodded.

"Yeah, I am."

December 11th, 2013 - 1100 (11:00 am)

"We're planning on starting out of Norfolk on Saturday the 14th once our last teams have returned to the ship," Tom said. "We will refuel and stock up on food before we leave. Several teams are already working on organizing supplies. Our first stop will be Jacksonville, Florida. We haven't yet been able to contact anyone there, however we are hopeful that at least one of the biosafety level 3 or level 4 labs will be in working condition."

"BSL 4 is preferred for the type of virus we are dealing with," Rachel cut in. "But I can make a BSL 3 work if I have to."

Tom bit back a fond smile as he continued. "Yes, apparently the BSL 4 labs were the only one working with the Red Flu due to the fact that it was airborne with no known vaccine or cure. That has changed, obviously, but the type of equipment that Dr. Scott needs is most likely to be found in a BSL 4 lab. If we find what we're looking for, we will be begin training anyone we find left to make and distribute the cure."

Rachel cut in again, too excited to keep quiet. "The the course we've plotted will take us to 20 major cities across the globe. If we are able to train those remaining in the cities to make and distribute the cure, we will have made a huge dent in vaccinating the world. Of course, there are limitations to this, and we have probably... years of work ahead of us." She paused, and then scoffed. "If only we could make the damn cure as contagious as the virus is, we could save the world in months instead of years."

Silence fell over the stateroom for a few moments as Tom tried very hard not to stare at Rachel. He was trying to be professional, dammit.

"Right. So," Mike continued. "We need to address the crew today. I think we should give them a choice about whether or not to commit to this, considering it will be a six month long endeavor. Some of our crew will have found their families, and I think we should give them the choice about whether or not to be involved."

Tom nodded, but then frowned. "I agree. Though, to be honest, the news I have heard from most has not been positive."

"Lieutenant Garnett was unable to find her husband or daughter," Rachel reported somberly. "She told me about her daughter, Lily, during the trials. I... can't imagine."

"Burk found his brother," Mike added. "But his parents are gone."

"Simmons and Crane couldn't find anyone," Tom said. "Miller found his mother, though."

After a few moments of silence, Mike admitted. "I feel bad sometimes for missing my boy, because I still have Christine and the girls."

Tom nodded in agreement, although he couldn't find the words to explain what he was thinking. He often felt the same way, having Sam and Ashley and Rachel and his father. He felt like he didn't deserve to be grieving, because he still had so much while others had lost everything.

"Grief is not logical," Rachel said, folding her hands on top of the table. "You can grieve while still being thankful for what you have left. You are allowed to be sad, and you're allowed to be happy, and you can even be both at the same time. All we can do for those that have lost their families is be there for them."

Rachel wanted very much to reach over and take Tom's hand to comfort him. She knew that Darien's loss hit him suddenly sometimes, and she was sure this was one of the times. He got this look in his eyes when he was thinking of and missing his wife. But he was in his service uniform and on duty, and she knew there were some lines he didn't want to cross.

"I will address the crew today," Tom continued. "All teams will have reported back for the night by 1800. That will give the crew a few days to make a decision, and it'll give us enough time to reassign those who are staying if necessary.

Mike nodded. "All right. I'll report to the bridge right at 1800. I can take over after you address the crew."

Tom nodded, and then turned on his heel to exit the room.

Rachel sat back, wondering how the mood in the room had gone from excited planning to so somber and sad so quickly. She sighed, ran a hand through her hair, and stood up.

"I should get back to the lab," she said, and gave Mike a smile before walking out of the door.

She was surprised to see Tom standing right outside, his fists clenched as he took a few deep breaths.

"Tom?" she asked, approaching him. She didn't reach out, even though she very much wanted to.

"Hey, sorry," he said, and closed his eyes before forcing his features to relax. "Are we still having dinner with the kids tonight?"

Rachel nodded, accepting his avoidance of the situation easily. They would talk tonight if he needed to. "Yes. Sam and Ashley were very adamant. We will meet you there at seven."

"OK," Tom said, and nodded once. He offered her a brief smile before turning and walking down the p-way. Rachel stared after him, sighing.

Two steps forward, one step back, indeed.

December 11th, 2013 - 1800 (6:00 pm)

"Good evening, Nathan James."

Despite the fact that he was not looking forward to the conversations that he knew were coming after his announcement, Tom spoke clearly into the intercom. The sun was beginning to set outside, and the final team had returned from shore less than an hour ago with more bad news. Of the three teams, seven people on each team, only two had found any family. There were lots of grim looks and downcast eyes.

"This is your Captain speaking. I want to inform you of the plan for after we disembark from Norfolk. We will be setting out for Jacksonville, Florida on December 14th. Our new mission is to spread the cure to as much of the world as we can. Thanks to the lab in Baltimore, Dr. Scott now has what she needs to begin mass producing the cure aboard the Nathan James. We will have several thousand doses to distribute at each stop. We will be sending Drs. Scott and Tophet ashore at each stop to find and train others to distribute the cure. We will also have teams dispatched at each location to restock on food and fuel."

He paused, and took a breath. The next part was the hard part.

"I want to preface this next part with the fact that we are not going to require anyone disembark with us. If you want to get off here and stay with family or friends in Norfolk, you'll be given doses of the cure as needed for your loved ones should you be able to find them. If you choose to continue the mission with us, you should know that it will take approximately six months. We are planning to visit 20 major coastal cities across the globe. Our previous mission, to create a cure, has been accomplished. Now our mission is to bring hope to the world."

Tom paused, looking around the bridge. Everyone was watching him raptly.

"If you want to disembark here in Norfolk, let XO Slattery or I know before the 14th. You have served your country well. You have gone above and beyond the call of duty over these last six months. I have been privileged and proud to serve with you. I hope we will continue this mission together, but everyone needs to make the best decision for themselves and their families. Whatever you decide, I respect your decision and support you fully. Please feel free to come to me with any questions or if you want to talk about the mission. Have a good night."

Tom sighed, pressing the intercom speaker to his forehead briefly before hanging it up. He closed his eyes, preparing, and then turned to face his crew.

December 11th, 2013 - 1920 (7:20 pm)

"Daddy!"

Rachel turned and smiled as she saw the Captain enter the mess. They had already started eating because Sam was 'starving to death he was so hungry' and Tom had been running late. She had grabbed a plate for Tom and had it waiting beside hers.

"Daddy, daddy, daddy!" Sam chanted, and was up and out of his seat immediately, running to hug his father around the legs. Tom smiled indulgently and brushed his hand over Sam's wispy hair. He had dressed down, taking off his Navy Uniform and replacing it with jeans and a t-shirt with the Nathan James logo.

"Hey, buddy," he greeted the little boy. He walked the rest of the way to the table with Sam stuck on him like a barnacle. "What did you do today?"

"We learned about animals and I read a book about a dog and we colored pictures."

Rachel laughed softly, reaching out and gripping Sam under the arms. She relocated the rambunctious child to her own lap to allow Tom to sit down and at least take a single bite of his dinner.

"Ashley, how about you?" Rachel asked, addressing the little girl sitting across from her. Both children had started spending their days with Kelly and Ava Tophet. Kelly had taken on the role of teacher for the children, with help from Jed, and had been working to keep them occupied during the day. They now had five children aboard the Nathan James, and routine was going to be necessary to keep them out of trouble.

"Hannah and I did school together, since we're the same age. We did multiplication in math and Ava's mommy had us write stories today. We made up the stories. I wrote one about a dog and a cat. They started out as enemies but became friends in the end. And we read some books. There aren't many books here, but Mrs. Tophet read out loud to use from a book called The Secret Garden."

"I love that book," Rachel said as Sam settled into her lap, resting his head back on her chest while he picked at the food on her plate. She rolled her eyes and pulled his own plate over so he could eat his own food. "What happened in the story today?"

"Well, in the beginning of the book, everyone gets sick and the little girl's mommy and daddy die. Not that they were a very good mommy and daddy anyway. But then the girl has to move somewhere she doesn't know anyone and the only other kid there is a little boy who is sick and angry a lot. That's as far as we got. I'm not sure I like the book yet. It reminds me too much of real life."

"I understand why that might make you not like the book," Rachel said, taking a sip of her water as she spoke. "But being able to read about something that is familiar to what we've gone through can help us make sense of and work through our grief. We can make connections with the characters, and learn from what they learn."

Ashley thought about that for a second, and then nodded. "Okay. I'll listen to it some more before I decide if I like it or not. Maybe Mary will end up being a good person even though right now she's very spoiled and annoying."

Tom laughed as he chewed on a mouthful of potatoes. He had never read the book before, but he'd heard of it.

"AND we got recess! We played games like tag and hide and seek," Sam added. "Grandpa said maybe we could take field trips sometimes. Like maybe to the deck of the boat to play games, or maybe to your lab, Rachel! We could learn some science!"

Rachel smiled fondly.

"Eat," Tom reminded her quietly, and she obediently took a bite before speaking again.

"That could be arranged, if I knew ahead of time. I would have to make sure it was safe for little hands before you guys came, though."

"I would accompany them," Jed volunteered. "Today was... very energetic, but it was fun. I'll definitely sleep well tonight."

"I'll set it up with Kelly, then," Rachel decided, and Sam beamed.

Conversation petered out for several moments while they focused on eating their dinner. Rachel managed to finish most of her food, which made Tom smile, which in turn made her chest feel warm and tight.

"Good job," he whispered, leaning over to kiss her on the forehead. "Dessert?"

Rachel was about to say no, but after a second of consideration, she said, "Maybe some vanilla ice cream. That sounds good."

Tom nodded and stood up to procure the sweet. When he was out of earshot, Jed turned to her.

"He seems happy," he observed, and Rachel blushed.

"I hope so," she said. "He gets sad sometimes. A few nights ago was particularly hard for him. But he's been there for me so much these past few weeks, after everything that happened. I'm glad I can return that favor, and be there to support him."

"I'm very glad he has you," Jed said.

"Yeah," Sam chimed in as he chewed loudly on a biscuit. "You're so smart, Rachel. You make a lot of things make sense. Like how you said it's OK to be sad and miss Mommy. Like, just cause we're sad and we miss mommy doesn't mean that we can't laugh and smile sometimes."

"Thank you, Sam," Rachel said. "That's very kind of you to say."

Tom returned then with the ice cream, and Rachel reached out to grasp his hand after he set hers in front of her. She squeezed his hand until he looked at her, and she mouthed 'I love you', making him smile sweetly at her.

The moment was ruined when Sam dug into his ice cream a little too enthusiastically and accidentally launched an entire spoonful onto his sister. Ashley screeched in surprise as the cold treat hit her on the cheek, and Sam broke into peals of laughter until Ashley decided to retaliate by throwing a green bean at her little brother.

By the time they broke up the fight and made the kids clean up their own messes, the ice cream had melted.

December 11th, 2013 - 2300 (11:00 pm)

"So, I'm going to tell you something, and you're not going to freak out."

That statement, Tom decided, was the fastest way to cause him to freak out.

"Okay," he said wearily, and waited.

They were laying in bed, child-free for the moment. He'd been running his fingers across the soft skin of her stomach, and had just started thinking about relieving Rachel of her shirt when she had spoken up.

"Kara came to me today to run some tests on her."

Tom looked up sharply. "Is she OK?"

Rachel nodded, a small smile playing on her lips.

"Yes, she's not sick. She actually had me run a very specific test on her."

Tom looked at her in confusion. Rachel rolled her eyes.

"A pregnancy test, Tom. She's pregnant."

It took him a few moments to catch up to what Rachel was saying, and for the implications to process.

"Pregnant. That means that it happened in the last few months."

Rachel reached out and put a hand on his arm. "Yes. And yes, she is romantically involved with someone on this ship. But I will not tell you anything more if you freak out, Tom."

He forced himself to take a deep breath. His first instinct was anger - she had, clearly, broken regulations at some point. Because they hadn't been off this goddamn ship for any length of time within the past six months. There were very few civilians on the ship, only one of which was physically capable of impregnating her and he was married. Which meant that her partner was Navy.

"I'm calm," he said, and it was more or less true.

"Based on her hGC levels she's about twelve weeks along. Navy regulations say she can stay on the ship until about 20 weeks. Tom, I wouldn't have told you, but we need to know if it's safe for her to stay on the ship past 20 weeks, because she will likely give birth on this ship if she stays on for the mission."

Tom processed for a moment, but before he could respond, Rachel spoke again.

"But more importantly, I wanted to make sure that you process and calm down before speaking to her. Yes, she broke regulations. She knows that there will be consequences, and if the consequence is that she or her partner need to leave the Nathan James, so be it. But please don't be too mad at them. I know our situation isn't the same, since I'm a civilian. But if I wasn't a civilian, and I'd been on this ship, I would have still fallen in love with you, and I don't know if Navy regulations would have kept me away from you. So, do what you need to do as Captain. Kara knows that they will have to face consequences for their actions. But don't speak to them in anger."

Tom nodded, and then leaned forward to press his forehead to Rachel's chest.

"I don't know if regulations could have kept me from you, either," he admitted. "I'd like to think they would have. I have been Navy for a very long time and I respect the regulations and traditions. But I love you so goddamn much, Rachel." He paused, and then said, more quietly, "There will have to be some consequences for them. I won't make them leave the ship unless they want to, and I promise I'll be understanding and calm. But there have to be consequences."

"Thank you," Rachel said, and then tugged him up until she could reach his lips. She smiled at him quickly, and then kissed him gently. He was trying to deepen the kiss when she broke away and said, "And you know I'm going to have to run that same test on myself in a few days."

Tom groaned, dropping his head onto the pillow beside her head.

"Stop distracting me. I just want to kiss you, woman," he complained, and she laughed.

"Just kiss me?" she teased.

Tom propped himself up on both hands and angled himself so that his body was hovering over hers. He stared down at her, heat in his eyes as they roamed her body, barely covered by the thin, white t-shirt she wore (with nothing underneath). He could see her dark nipples through the shirt, pebbled and straining against the cloth.

"No," he said, and then captured her lips again.

Neither of them spoke for a long time after that.