Why...Shouldn't Be Invited For Smoothies
By Larien
Chapter 1
Sasuke
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Summary: AU, crackfic, Why you shouldn't invite the Naruto characters for smoothies. All characters OOC in their own way. All character bashing also.
(Credit to Anna for thinking this up.)
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Notes: Btw, you are in this story. Well pretend you are. You are around the same age as all the genin. Make up however you look. No, there are no pairings. In your dreams there are. Also, there are a different amount of reasons for each character. Depends on how many I think of. And it bashes every and all character in some way. Yes...I will even bash my bishi Kakashi and Itachi and Genma and Izumo and Kotetsu. Btw, this is a crack fic. I don't care if it doesn't sound real. I started writing these reasons during math. So don't like. Don't read. Simple as that. Next up after this will be Shikamaru, then Itachi, and Kakashi. Enjoy.
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Reason One: He wouldn't come in the first place
It was a bright Sunday morning in Konoha and for some random reason, you decided it was a brilliant day to make smoothies. You got out the necassary ingredients to make the smoothie but then decided that it'd be more fun to invite someone to eat them with you. You went through the names on your address book. No one was available. Finally there was only one person left. Uchiha Sasuke. You called him. He listened to your invitation without making a sound. Finally before he can answer no, you hang up and get to work on the smoothies. He was supposed to come by at 10am. It was 9:30 right now.
10:30am
Sasuke still hasn't shown up. You sigh and glance at his melting slushing strawberry smoothie. You should've known he wouldn't come. You shouldn't have been so stupid and excited. After all he was Uchiha Sasuke. His mind only had two things, killing his brother and reviving his clan.
Reason Two: He hates sweet things or at least it seems that way...
So Sasuke has finally agreed to try your 'smoothies' and is coming over at 7pm tonight for them. You mentally squeal as you scan the produce aisle for fresh fruit. You decide on strawberries and bananas. Then you buy some other needed ingredients and head home.
It's about 6:30 now and you're getting ready to toss all the smoothie ingredients into the blender. The whir of the blender sounds and awhile later you have two tall refreshing glasses of smoothies. They look perfectly creamy and you stick a straw in both of them and set them in the refrigerator.
At promptly 7pm, you hear your doorbell ring. You smooth your shirt and straighten your headband before opening the door. You greet Sasuke who merely replies with a 'hn', and you invite him in and tell him to make himself comfortable while you get the smoothies. Sasuke sits on your squeaky old couch and glances around as you disappear into the kitchen. You come back out with the smoothies. You hand Sasuke one who eyes it suspiciously.
"So...Sasuke-kun?" You ask.
He takes a sip before gagging and sputtering.
"You never told me they were sweet!" He glares at you.
"Uhmm...they're smoothies. Made with fruit." You say confused.
"I HATE SWEET THINGS!" He exclaims, "I'm leaving." And thus he storms out leaving you very confused and stunned.
Reason Three: He'll ask you if they come in tomato flavor
So for some reason, Sasuke's forgiven you for the whole 'you didn't tell me they were sweet' thing. But yesterday you received a note from him which looked like this.
I've come to a conclusion that these so called 'smoothies' can actually be quite refreshing. By any chance can you make them with tomatoes?
-Sasuke
You remember sweatdropping at the note but agreed to give it a try. Therefore today, Sasuke is coming to test out your new tomato smoothies. He arrives promptly at 2pm and glances around for his tomato smoothie. You hand it to him and eye him critically as he tries it. He finishes it all. To the very last piece of froth and ice. You glance anxiously.
"By any chance, can I do this at home?" He asks slowly.
You sweatdrop.
"I guess..."
"Good. I'm going to buy tomatoes now." He says and hands you back the empty glass and slams the door on his way out.
"But! I don't even think you have a blender!" You call out after him...
Apparently, he doesn't hear and continues on his way.
Reason Four: He will be reminded of his childhood and his dire need to avenge the clan...
Well...Sasuke, ehem, realized he doesn't have a blender. So realizing his foolish mistake (though he won't admit it...typical Sasuke), he comes back to you for a list of ingredients, materials, and directions. Of course, he insists (being a Uchiha) that you discuss the whole 'procedure' over...what else? Smoothies. So you whip up another smoothie for Sasuke which again is tomato and you whip up a smoothie for yourself. Yours is pineapple. Sasuke is quietly sipping on his smoothie as you scribble down materials onto a crisp sheet of paper. You look up at Sasuke and realize he is unusually quiet. At least quieter than before. And his eyes aren't as hard and cold as usual. Instead they have softened and have a distant look in them. They look almost thoughtful and longing.
"My mother used to cook tomatoes for me all the time. She used to make me tomato juice too." He says softly. You barely can hear him. "I miss my kaa-san." He adds quietly.
Then his eyes narrow and glare.
"I MUST AVENGE MY CLAN! I'll kill that bastard Itachi and beat him so badly that he'll be begging for my mercy at my hand! I must revive my clan so they make tomato smoothies to honor me! Their reviver!" Sasuke bursts out, he leaves his tomato smoothie and stomps towards the door.
"Uhh...Sasuke? You forgot your list." You've finished writing the directions for making tomato smoothies and are currently holding the paper out to him.
He looks embarrased and turns back.
"Oh yes...I knew that." He mutters and grabs the list and stomps out the door. Slamming it for emphasis.
Reason Five: He will attempt to make his own smoothies to spite you...and Naruto and everyone else too
So it's been three months since you first attempted to feed Sasuke a smoothie and a month ago you gave him the recipe to make tomato smoothies. Now you're walking along the streets of Konoha and right past the Irachiku Ramen Stall you spy Sasuke...selling smoothies. A sign infront of his stand proclaims the following:
Sasuke's Smoothies
World Famous and Homemade with the Famous Uchiha Blend
Created and Invented by Uchiha Sasuke, the One and Only Uchiha Avenger
Flavors: Terrific Tomato, Sweet Strawberry, Crazy Coconut, Perfect Pineapple, Avenging Apple, Passionfruit Paradise, Cunning Cherry, and Rocking Raspberry
Large - 3 Dollars
Medium - 2 Dollars
Small - 1 Dollar
Get Your Uchiha Smoothie Today!
You start boiling. You taught Sasuke how to make those smoothies! Heck you introduced Sasuke to them! You have half the mind to deck him right now. But you decide to play it cool and walk up to his stall. Sasuke glances at you and asks you what you want. You skim through the menu again and decide on a small Avenging Apple Smoothie. He mutters to himself and you vaguely think you hear the word 'stupid girl' but ignore it. Awhile later he gives you your smoothie and you pay him a dollar. You are about to take the first sip when Ino and Sakura come up to Sasuke's stand.
"Oh Sasuke-kun! I didn't know you made smoothies! They must be really delicious! Can you make me a umm...Sweet Strawberry?" Sakura asked sweetly.
Even though you and Sakura were friends (you didn't really care about the boys), it kind of made you sick to hear her speaking like that.
"Sasuke..." Ino purred, "I'd like a Passionfruit Paradise."
Sasuke grunts and makes them both excruciatingly small ones. They hand him three dollars anyways. Sasuke only takes two out of six total. At least he doesn't cheat his customers. You sip slowly on your Avenging Apple while Sakura and Ino are sucking it up to Sasuke. You roll your eyes at their many old cliche compliments (oh, you're so manly...etc.) when along comes Naruto.
"Sasuke-baka! You're making smoothies? I bet they taste horrible! In fact, I'll prove it! I want a ramen smoothie right now!" Naruto orders Sasuke.
"Dobe. You're stupider than I thought, there's no such thing as a ramen smoothie. Smoothies are made with fruits."
"Ohh...in that case, I'll prove that I can make better smoothies than you! Just you wait!" Naruto dashes off.
Sakura and Ino sweatdrop then turn to Sasuke.
"Don't worry Sasuke-kun, we'll stick by you all the way." Ino says sweetly.
"You're one hundred times better than Naruto" Sakura adds.
Sasuke grunts again. Baka fangirls, Sasuke thinks.
Then along comes Shikamaru and Chouji. Just great, you think, he's getting more business...
You wait to see what happens.
"Hey Shikamaru! Let's stop for some smoothies!" Chouji says.
"Ei...mendokusee. Go home and make your own. Here we still have to wait and pay."
"But I'm thirsty!"
"Fine."
Shikamaru and Chouji ordered two large smoothies. Shikamaru got a Perfect Pineapple and Chouji got Crazy Coconut. They sipped their smoothies while Sakura and Ino rambled. Secretly both were thinking, we so can make better smoothies than him!
(AN: Sorry, this one is kind of long but it'll be good. I promise. You'll see. Ahaha. I just realized. So cliche, Shikamaru ordering a pineapple smoothie...haha)
And along came Neji and Hinata. Neji, as soon as he saw the stand, dragged Hinata away.
You are growing quite amused at all this and order a large Rocking Raspberry and wait for more action.
Kakashi comes and hmphs then walks away again. Asuma and Kurenai stroll by casually and Asuma buys one for Kurenai. TenTen glances at Sasuke's stand and at Sasuke as she passes later. Kiba and Akamaru do as Naruto have done and declare that they can make better smoothies. Shino sets a bee on Sasuke, Sakura, and Ino.
You are quite amused by now as Gai and Lee walk by.
"Ahh! Sasuke! You are doing wonderfully in the springtime of youth by selling these youthful smoothies! Lee! You should've thought of this first! Isn't Sasuke doing wonderfully? You must not let him outdo you! You shall think of something more youthful!" Gai says.
"Yes Gai-sensei!" Lee says tearfully.
"As something to push you forward, I shall buy FIVE of Sasuke's youthful smoothies! FIVE LARGE ROCKING RASPBERRIES SASUKE!" Gai orders.
Lee breaks down.
"Gai-sensei!"
"Lee! I shall share them with you!"
An imaginary sunset breaks out as they do their 'Gai-Lee' thing.
All four of you sweatdrop...and Gai and Lee leave also. Then along comes Genma...he glances, and dashes off...muttering something about 'telling Kakashi...' yadedadum...you get it...
Sasuke closes down his smoothie stand for the day and Ino and Sakura reluctantly go home. You also decide to head on your way, only you were going to go to the Irachiku Ramen Stall for dinner. You think you'll drop by again tomorrow.
Next Day
You stroll out your door and head down to Sasuke's Smoothie Stand, only instead of Sasuke's Smoothie Stand you see like 15 other smoothie stands...each with a different name.
There was the Hot Hyuuga Smoothie's which had Neji and Hinata working at it. They seemed to have good business. But only because of Neji. His whole fanclub was crowded around it.
A couple of feet down were the Ino-Shika-Cho Smoothie Stand, it was manned by an annoyed Ino and Shikamaru and a cheerful Chouji. Ino was annoyed because of all of Shikamaru's fangirls and her fanboys and the fact that Sasuke-kun had not come to buy one. Their sign was messily done but it was still attracting many people.
Next was Kakashi and Genma's Icha Icha Paradise Smoothies...they had hot girls manning and serving the smoothies, therefore nearly all the male population of shinobi and villagers were there. Kakashi himself was immersed in his Icha Icha Vol. 14 and Genma was flirting with some waitress...you grin...same old Kakashi, same old Genma.
You see TenTen going to Neji's stand. She is walking away from another stand. Gai and Lee's Youthful Smoothie's. You also see Asuma and Kurenai's Smoothie Haven, Kiba's Inu Smoothies, Naruto's Ramen Smoothie's, and Shino's Busy Bee Smoothies. You also happen to notice that Sasuke's Smoothie's are gone...hmm...couldn't stand the competition? But then you spy him on a bench...sipping at what happens to be his own Terrific Tomato Smoothie...
Reason Five: He will now use smoothies in an attempt to kill Itachi
Again, it had been some time since the whole smoothie stand incident but Sasuke still loved his tomato smoothies. Today, you two were at the Irachiku Ramen Stall casually well...sitting in silence. When suddenly you see a light bulb pop over Sasuke's head.
Ding!
It went off.
"I have the perfect revenge formula." Sasuke says emotionless.
You ready yourself for the borefest. Sasuke's revenge formulas usually involve complicated battle plans mixed with probability ratios and calculus somehow.
"I..." He says slowly, "Will use...smoothies."
Okay...
"Sure..." You say unsurely.
"To poison him! I will use a blackberry smoothie and poison him!" Sasuke says triumphantly. Then he cackles weirdly.
It's your cue to run and get away, but instead you stay and listen to him.
"Sure Sasuke. Whatever you say." You reply.
And Sasuke goes off to brew his first batch of 'Kill Itachi and Extract Revenge Smoothies'
Reason Six: Once he kills Itachi and revives his clan, he will want to be honored as Ultimate Smoothie Avenger...
Sasuke has done it. He has succeeded in killing Itachi. With smoothies. You cannot believe that this has all started with you inviting Sasuke over for a simple smoothie.
-A Billion Years Later (Not Really)-
Sasuke has well continued the Uchiha bloodline. He has taken Sakura as his 'baby producing machine'...and he now has like 15 kids. Wow. One day you see one of Sasuke's brats running down the streets of Konoha. You grab the kid by the arm.
"Hey. How's your dad doing?"
"My what?" The kid asks confused.
"Your father? Parental figure? That old guy?" You say pointing to Sasuke who just happens to appear at this moment.
The kid's confusion clears up.
"Oh! You mean the 'Ultimate Smoothie Avenger'!" He says.
"The what!" You say in disbelief.
"That's what we're ordered to call him. Even momma does." The kid says before running off.
"What have I done?" You think and slap your forehead...seriously...Ultimate Smoothie Avenger?
Reason Seven: He will invent a 'Smoothie Jutsu' which will be about as useless as Sexy Jutsu in combat...
Okay...so you've gotten over the whole Ultimate Smoothie Avenger thing and are sparring with Sasuke at the moment...suddenly he stops. He's forming a series of handseals you've never seen before. You vaguely make them out since he's doing them so quickly. Then he yells:
TOMATO SMOOTHIE NO JUTSU!
And poof...a smoothie appears...which Sasuke sips lovingly. All the enemy and you stare at him weirdly as he enjoys the ice cold drink.
"Ahh...now where were we?" He says as he tosses the empty smoothie cup away.
Cue the huge anime stress mark, sweatdrop, and fall over.
Reason Eight: His heirs will know nothing but making smoothies...-sweatdrop-
So you finally get used to the fact that Sasuke has named himself 'Ultimate Smoothie Avenger'...
And another day as you're out to buy strawberries for your smoothies...you run into another one of Sasuke's brats. This time it's a boy about nine years old.
"Hey kid." You say
"Hello." He says back politely.
"How's the 'Ultimate Smoothie Avenger' doing?"
"Good."
"Are you having fun in the academy?"
"What's the academy?"
Your eyes bug out in wonder. What the hell has Sasuke been doing to his kids? This brat has got to be like...fourteen years old at least!
"The shinobi academy! The one where you train to become a ninja!"
"Huh? Never heard of it. Only allowed to make smoothies." He says in a happy-go-lucky voice.
"WHAT!"
"See ya later!" He runs off to the grocery store.
'I've ruined their future because of my damn smoothies.' You mumble to yourself.
Reason Nine: He will forget everything and crown himself 'King of Smoothies'
So Sasuke has opened a mass chain of Smoothie products. People have acknowledged him as having the best smoothies around. And he won't sell his secret recipe.
One day as you're walking to the Hokage's office, you see a huge billboard over it. On it is Sasuke's face and he's wearing a crown. One of those huge ones. And on it, it says 'SASUKE'S SMOOTHIES! BUY YOURS TODAY!' and under Sasuke's face it says, 'Uchiha Sasuke, Owner, CEO, and King of Smoothies'
Kami sama help you...I feel your pain.
End Chapter One
I swear I was high when I wrote this...-sheepish grin-...anyways, hope you enjoyed
Reviews and Criticism only, no flames, like I said, it's a crack fic
Things happen in ceramics...specially when your table is anime obsessed