The Misadventures of Bert and Ernie
By
Tobias Glass

"Where are we going Bert?" Ernie asked his friend as they stepped out of their apartment at 123 Sesame Street.

We're gonna go check out some promiscuous women," Bert replied as he took another drag off of his cigarette. They got into his white Subaru™ Turbo, Fired her up, and left Sesame Street. Soon they were cruising down the streets of Portland, while Bert leered at the promiscuous ladies of the evening. Ernie sat there mortified, his face redder than Elmo. What kind of person was his friend off-camera? he wondered. He had never seen this side of Bert before, never noticed the strange gleam in his eye.

"Hey baby, want a ride?" Bert asked a girl as he pulled over. She bent down and looked in the car. Laughing, she kept walking.

Ernie turned and looked at his friend, who was going purple in the face. He put the gas pedal to the floor and aimed at the lewd lady. Ernie screamed and pulled up on the E-brake, wincing at the squeal of the tires. "What do you think you're doing?" he cried.

"You know what they say about payback you little…" Bert subsided into muttering about the hooker. He put the car into gear and drove over to Platinum Plus (a titty bar in Portland, Maine) , grumbling all the way.

"BERT!" cried Ernie when they got there. "Why are you going into Platinum Plus? You aren't even old enough to get in!"

"Watch this," Bert said with a mean little smirk. He got out of the car and walked right up to the bouncer. "Evenin' Tony," he said and then showed him a fake ID. The man grunted and let him in. Slipping another one to Ernie, Bert motioned for him to come on. Ernie sighed, showed the bouncer the ID and followed Bert in.

The lights were dim, and the DJ was playing dance music as the two Muppets™ sat down. They ordered some drinks, a ginger ale for Ernie, and a White Russian for Bert. Leaning over to Ernie, Bert muttered, "Look at all the promiscuity here eh?"

Ernie looked around and went Elmo-coloured again. The girls that were dancing were moving their bodies in a very suggestive manner, one that Ernie felt embarrassed to look at and was captivated by at the same time. Bert beckoned to a scantily clad female, and she approached the two. "Well hello there Denise," Bert said coyly.

"Hey Bert," replied the lovely Denise, a Southern drawl lilting her words. She was a looker if Ernie had ever seen one, and quite promiscuous looking, though he banished the thought from his mind immediately. "Wanna go into a back room?" Denise asked Bert.

"You know it, sweetheart," Bert replied. They got up and Denise led the way to a hallway full of doors in the back of the club. Looking into one of them, Ernie saw another dancer putting on a show for another group of people. Denise turned and led Bert and Ernie into the next room over. She swished the fuzzy scarf she had on over Ernie's face and the Muppet™ nearly fell over from shock. She was going to put on a show for them!

An hour, three more White Russians, and thirty dollars later Bert got into the car, and Ernie took his keys. "You're drunk, Bert. I'll drive."

"I ain't druuu..." Bert tried to feebly protest, but fell asleep in the driver's seat. Ernie hoisted his inebriated friend into the passenger's seat and slid into the Subaru's™ cockpit. It couldn't be that hard to drive. He'd seen Bert do it a million times. Looking at the controls, Ernie felt very intimidated indeed.

Just then, the promiscuous girl that had given them the show walked out, shrugging a long coat on over her outfit. "Denise!" Ernie called out. The girl waved and sauntered over.

"What's up?" she asked.

"Well, Bert's passed out, and I've never-- well, I haven't…"He stuttered.

"Never driven before?" Denise finished for him. Ernie nodded sheepishly. "No problem. I'll drive you home." Ernie moved the now snoozing Bert to the backseat, and Denise took over the driver's seat. Ernie buckled up, and Denise started the car. "Whoa! This baby hauls!" she said, laughing as she peeled out in the parking lot. Maybe this was a bad idea, thought Ernie.

It turned out to be the most fun Ernie had ever had. Denise was obviously a very good driver, and it showed in the way she tore down the streets of Portland. "This isn't the way to Sesame Street though," Ernie said curiously.

"I figured since y'all seemed to be havin' such fun, I thought you'd like to have a little more." Denise replied as she pulled up to a line of cars at a line. A tall man approached the window. "What's the stakes tonight, Jake?" she asked him.

"Two grand," Jake replied. "What's with the puppets?" he asked curiously, peering at the two Muppets™.
"Just a couple'a friends I'm hangin' out with," Denise replied. She revved up the engine, and Jake stepped up in the middle of the line of cars. He held up his hands, three fingers raised, and counted down. Three, two, one! The four cars took off, and the race was on.

Denise drove like a pro. She wove in and out of her opponents, quickly taking the lead. Ernie held on for dear life as she took a turn almost on two wheels, thinking all the while that they were going to crash. Bit by bit though, he relaxed as he realised that Denise was more than just a promiscuous stripper, she knew what she was doing. He sat back and began to have fun.

The finish line was in sight as the small white Subaru™ came around the last corner. Ernie cheered, and they crossed the finish line with the stereo blasting the Crystal Method's "Born too Slow". Ernie did a little victory dance in his seat as Denise stopped to collect the money from Jake, and gave him a portion of it. "Thanks, man," she said to him as she pulled away.

They drove back to Sesame Street while Ernie gushed about the race. "That was so cool!" he exclaimed as Denise pulled into Bert's normal parking space. "Well, thanks," He said, thanking Denise for the ride. "I want to learn how to drive like that sometime though!" he added.

"Sure. I'll take you out driving sometime," she replied. "Here's my number. Call me when you have some free time." She gave him a card with her number on it.

"'Night," he said as Denise headed down the street towards the nearest subway station. Hauling Bert into the house, he looked forward to the next time he saw Denise.