5

The Real Reason Mr. Hooper Died

By

Tobias Glass

"What are we watching first, Bert?" Ernie asked as he stepped back into the living room. The two had rented movies and were going to have a guys' night in. Ernie had bought some food, which explained the large bowl of chips in his hands. Although it didn't explain the yellow rubber ducky that was riding on top of the chips. (Its name, funnily enough, was Rubber Ducky).

"I put in Pootie Tang first, so I could make you watch it." Bert leered at Ernie, who playfully shoved him over and sat down on the couch, carefully placing Rubber Ducky next to him. The video came on, and Ernie stared as he put a chip into his mouth.

"What's with all the static?" Bert complained, stuffing his face with chips.

Suddenly, the image of a dark ring flashed onto the TV screen. "What the—" Bert and Ernie said at the same time. A burning tree then flashed into the ring's place. Things only got stranger from there on in. There was a woman brushing her hair, the ring again, the same woman jumping off a cliff, the ring again, and all kinds of crazy things. Then, as abruptly as it started, the odd sequence of events was over, and there was only static.

Just then the phone rang, and Ernie jumped. "It's just the phone, you pansy!" said Bert scathingly, as he got up to answer it. "Hello?" he said.

"Seven days," said a hoarse, deep, although husky, voice, rather like the women Bert had seen at strip clubs.

Really, Debbie, I said I'd call you back, now stop—"

"I'm not Debbie. Debbie's DEAD! And it's seven days until you DIE, you idiot!" snarled the mysterious voice, and hung up.

"Who was that Bert?" asked Ernie.

The next day, Ernie was at Mr. Hooper's store during a break between filming Sesame Street, and was discussing the night with Gordon over lunch.

"…And there was this one movie we saw; it was so weird, I think it was put in the wrong case or something, because it was not Pootie Tang."

"You rented Pootie Tang?" Gordon asked him with a grin. "I thought you weren't old enough to rent that kind of movie." Ernie grinned sheepishly.

"Well, it was Bert who rented it, not me," he explained.

"I didn't know he was old enough either."

"He isn't, but don't tell anyone; Bert's got a fake ID," Ernie explained matter-of-factly.

"Hey man," Gordon said. "I'm down with that."

"But it was weird. There was all this static, and then there was a bunch of really weird stuff, rings, and trees on fire, and it was just— weird."

The sandwich dropped out of Gordon's mouth. "I've heard about that video. You watch it and then the telephone rings, and when you answer it, a creepy voice says that you're going to die in seven days. Then, your TV comes on seven days later, and this little girl comes out of it and kills you."

"Oh my god! That's what that phone call after the movie was. Bert said it was UPS calling him to tell him his package would be here next week, but it wasn't, was it? It was that voice. Telling him that we're gonna die!" Ernie dissolved into tears.

"Don't worry," Gordon consoled him. "You're not gonna die. You just need to make a copy of it, and show it to someone else. Get the Count to watch it. He's a vampire. He's immortal."

"No he's not! He just tells everyone that." Ernie said, blowing his nose loudly into his napkin. "He'll die, and I don't want him to die. He's just a kid. I've met dead kids, and they're scary!" at this point, Gordon was sure Ernie was talking nonsense.

It's okay. We just need someone old. Someone…" his eyes fell on Mr. Hooper. "Someone would die soon anyway."

Ernie stared at his co-worker. He had stopped crying now. "Are you talking about who I think you're talking about? Mr. Hooper?" He glanced at Mr. Hooper.

"Yeah. He's old, He's got a nephew, so the store'd survive. And besides, he's got a heart condition anyways. You'd have to make sure that it didn't come back to you though," Gordon said thoughtfully.

"That's horrible!" Ernie exclaimed. Just then, the bell signaled that it was time to go back to work. Ernie and Gordon went back to Sesame Street and put on their fake smiles again for another four hours of forced "happiness". For the children's sake.

Ernie told Bert about what Gordon had said at lunch, and Bert rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "That's an idea."

"What? You're actually thinking of killing off Mr. Hooper?" Ernie asked incredulously. "I can't believe you Bert. You're so messed up sometimes. I thought Mr. Hooper was our friend?"

"Well, the way I see it is that it's either him or us, ya know. And I personally would rather have some old guy die than me any day," Bert grinned, almost apologetically. Ernie said nothing, just purpled with rage and wandered off in search of Rubber Ducky.

Four days later though, Ernie found himself wondering if the tape was still in their apartment. He checked the coffee table in the living room, and sure enough, it was, along with a note in Bert's handwriting saying I told you it was a good idea. Ernie crushed the note in his fist, thinking. There didn't seem to be any other way out of their situation. Finally, he reluctantly decided to make Bert do it, though his heart said no.

Later, when Bert got home, Ernie threw a blank videotape at him. "You can do it, but I just can't kill off Mr. Hooper," he said, and went to the bedroom. Bert followed him, and found him sulking, squeezing Rubber Ducky so hard that he was in danger of breaking the rubbery skin of the bath toy.

"Why all the fuss, Ernie? He's just an old guy," said Bert, with his usual amount of tactlessness. Ernie didn't reply. Bert sighed and got up, taking the blank tape with him. He put the evil tape into the VCR, and hooked up the spare VCR that he used to copy the movies that he got from Netflix©. Slipping the blank tape into this, he pressed record, and pressed play on the other one, and began the process of surviving the curse of Samara.

When the video was finished recording, Bert took it out, but the phone rang. Cursing, Bert put the video down and rushed to answer it. "Hello," he said as he pushed the talk button, and heard Ernie pick up the other line.

You broke the rules. Now, it's going to be two hours instead of seven days!" said a hoarse, threatening voice. Laughing, the mysterious caller picked up.

"Bert! Did you record that video?" Ernie wailed.

"Er… yeah," Bert replied awkwardly.

"Well! We'll just see about two hours!" Ernie said angrily, striding into the living room. Ernie took the handheld GPS out of the drawer under the telephone. He opened it and took some wires, hooking it up to the phone in his hand. He dialed "69", and checked the Caller ID. Bert grinned and passed him a pen. Ernie wrote down the number, and when the caller answered, he said icily into the phone, "Seven hours, eh? Well, we'll see about that." Hanging up on the caller, he took a look at the GPS and smiled. The device indicated that the call was coming from an apartment in New York. Deciding that he'd deal with the fruit that called later, he said to Bert, "Get dressed. We're going." Bert didn't dare to argue with Ernie when he acted like this. He put on his coat, got the tape out of the VCR, and left, locking the door behind him.

"Where do you want us to go?" Bert asked as he got into his Subaru™.

"Just go to Hooper's" Ernie said tersely as he fastened his seatbelt. Bert obeyed meekly.

When Bert and Ernie got to Hooper's store, they were five minutes to closing. They sauntered into the shop and made their way to the counter. "Hello, Mr. Hooper!" Ernie said politely.

"Hello Ernie! My my, aren't you here late," Mr. Hooper said, making Ernie feel a bit guilty. But he forced a smile (which he had plenty of experience doing) and asked Mr. Hooper if he would mind giving them his opinion on a movie they had seen. "Sure thing boys! Just let me close up the store, and I'll have a look-see."

After he closed things up, he led the way up to his little flat above the store, and popped the tape into his VCR. "Bert reached into his pocket, and dialed Ernie's cell phone. The phone rang and Ernie answered it. He made fake conversation, and closed the phone, saying, "Sorry Mr. Hooper. Something came up, and we have to get going. See ya later!"

"See you boys tomorrow," Mr. Hooper said as they left. What's with all this cussed static? He wondered as he watched the tape….

Seven hours later, Bert's Subaru™ cruised up to an apartment building in New York. This is the place, thought Ernie, glancing at the GPS again. He made his way up the stairs, and found the appropriate apartment. Breaking down the door, he encountered a large, rather rotund man, eating Twinkies™ and watching TV. His name was Newman.

"AHHH!" Newman screamed as a very annoyed-looking Muppet™ burst through his door. Somewhere, an audience laughed. "I didn't do anything! I swear! It was- it was KRAMER! He made me do it! I SWEAR!" Newman groveled.

"Do you even know who I am?" Ernie asked him suspiciously.

"Yeah. You're the guy I called and joked about the movie with," Newman said.

"Well make sure it doesn't happen again!" Ernie said in a voice that made it clear that Ernie was unimpressed. He gave Newman a frosty smile and walked out the door.

"What'd you do?" Bert asked as Ernie got into the car.

"Oh, I just gave him the old what-for," Ernie said smiling wanly as he closed the door.

Mr. Hooper sat in a bar on the beaches of Key West, Florida, telling some island friends a story.

"…So then, there were two hours to go, right? So I went down to the street and pulled a homeless old guy off the street, and made him watch the copy I'd made. I wish I could thank Bert and Ernie though. I passed the business onto m'nephew, and now I'm here. I got to get away earlier than expected!" A waitress brought another round of drinks, and Mr. Hooper raised his glass. "To Bert and Ernie!" he said. The rest of the group repeated the toast, and they clinked their glasses together, and drank deeply.