Chapter 34: I Am The Fire
March 28th, 2014 - 0300 (3:00 am)
At 19 weeks, Rachel was beginning to feel off balance and really, truly pregnant. Her bump could no longer be hidden except under the largest of sweaters, and she had moved swiftly from feeling nauseated every waking moment of the day to hungry all of the time, much to Tom's delight. He had taken to keeping a stash of snacks in their cabin for the times she would wake up in the middle of the night with the munchies.
"I'm going to get fat," she lamented on one such occasion, propped up against Tom's chest while she munched on a granola bar in the middle of the night. Tom simply hummed, pressing his face further into her neck and cupping her belly with both hands, loving the weight of it in his palms.
"You're beautiful," he countered, kissing her neck. "And you've only gained 4 pounds so far. Doc said you should have gained between 8 and 10 pounds by 20 weeks, so you're actually behind the curve. You should snack whenever you feel hungry. And if that's at three in the morning, so be it. Here," he said, and handed her a package of dried fruit when she finished the granola bar. She rolled her eyes, but she was still feeling kind of hungry, so she took it without complaint.
She had just taken a bite of the first dried apricot when she felt a strange fluttering in her stomach. She frowned, wondering if her stomach was going to rebel against the fruit, when it happened again.
"Tom!" she exclaimed, turning around in his arms quickly.
"What's wrong?" he asked worriedly, one hand staying on her belly while the other cupped her face. "Are you OK?"
Rachel grinned and nodded, and then put her hand over his, moving it to where she felt the fluttering again.
"I felt the baby moving," she marveled, and Tom's eyes grew wide as he waited for the next movement. "There! It happened again."
"I don't feel anything," Tom said sadly, moving his second hand to her belly as well. He could cover the entire bump with both hands. The bottom of his palms cupped the top of her belly, underneath her breasts, and his long fingers ran the length of her stomach down to her belly button. Her skin was warm and hard, but he still couldn't feel any movement.
Rachel leaned back on his chest again and sighed happily, chewing on another piece of dried fruit. "I think the baby likes your touch," she said, grinning when she felt the flutter again. "I'm sorry you can't feel them yet. It's ... strange, but amazing."
Tom smiled and returned to gently kissing and nipping at the skin under his mouth. Rachel was sure her neck was going to be a mess of bites and bruises if she didn't make him stop, but she didn't want to. It felt good, him holding her, kissing and touching her like this while they sleepily sat together.
"I'll feel them soon," he said, remembering from his experience with Darien's pregnancy with Sam. "It took me about a week to feel Sam move after Darien first did."
Rachel hummed and chewed on her fruit, wondering what that had felt like for Tom, the very first time. He'd told her that he'd missed this with Ashley, having been deployed for the entirety of Darien's pregnancy with her. He hadn't gotten to experience his child growing, the baby bumps and 3 in the morning cravings. She wondered if being here with her, feeling her bump and seeing it grow as their baby did, made him think about Darien.
Seemingly sensing her thoughts, he began to speak softly, the darkness making it easier for him to be vulnerable.
"Watching you like this, seeing you grow with our baby every day, is so amazing," he started, his hands never leaving her stomach. They rubbed gently up and down her bump, and Rachel noted with some amusement how the flutters and kicks from the baby seemed to follow the same path as his hand. This child was going to have Tom completely and utterly wrapped around their tiny fingers as soon as they were born. "It reminds me of watching Darien pregnant with Sam. I still miss her, sometimes. It hits at the most random moments. But I know that she's looking down on us now and is happy for me, for us. She would have loved you."
Rachel smiled at that. "Yeah? I get the feeling, from stories that you and the children and Jed tell, that she was much more soft spoken than I am. I wouldn't have driven her crazy?"
Tom snorted. "I didn't say that. You definitely would have driven her a little crazy. She was a lot more soft spoken. She was what most Navy soldiers wanted in a wife - someone who was happy to stay home with the kids, didn't complain about the long deployments. She was so kind and loving, but not outspoken at all. She would have loved you because of how you love me, and the kids. Rachel," he paused, a little choked up with everything he felt for the woman in his arms. "You are so amazing with Ashley and Sam. You have never, not once, made them feel bad or wrong for missing and talking about their mother."
Rachel turned to stare at Tom quizzically.
"Why would I? Of course they miss her and want to talk about her. She was their mother, and while I'm happy to take on the role of mother for them now, they'll never forget her or stop loving her."
"That's just it, sweetheart. You understand how they're feeling. And even though you know that I loved Darien, and will love her with some part of my heart for the rest of my life, it doesn't seem to bother you."
Rachel reached out to touch Tom's cheek gently. "Why would it bother me, love?"
Tom shrugged, unsure of how to communicate his feelings.
"Just tell me what you're thinking," she encouraged him, and he sighed, pressing his cheek into her hand and taking comfort in her touch.
"I sometimes feel like I'm being unfaithful to you," he started, and reached up to place his hand over hers on his cheek. "I loved Darien very much, and sometimes it hits me and I miss her so much and wish she was still here. But I feel like I shouldn't, because if she were here, I wouldn't have you and we wouldn't be having this baby, and I can't imagine my life without you in it."
Rachel made a soft noise, and reached up to press her forehead to Tom's.
"You're not being unfaithful, love. You're grieving. You never really got a chance to grieve properly, so of course your feelings are a mess. You discovered the world was dying from a plague the same day you discovered that it had taken Darien from you. We spent the next two months in chaos, trying to survive, trying to come up with a plan to singlehandedly save the entire planet. And somehow, in the middle of that, you fell in love again. Your brain and your heart are confused, because you're still grieving Darien, and you love me very much. I know you love me very much, but you never got to say goodbye to your wife or bury her or mourn her properly."
"We did move kinda fast," Tom said, kissing her palm as he entwined their fingers and laid them over her belly again. "I just don't want you to ever think I love you and our baby any less because I'm still hurting sometimes."
Rachel shook her head, settling back against his warmth as she continued to snack on the dried fruit.
"I will never think that, love."
"That's good. I'm glad to hear that," Tom said, and then chuckled. "Now finish that fruit so we can sleep some more before morning. We have an appointment with Rios and I am excited to see our baby again."
"And see if we're having a boy or a girl," Rachel added, and the renewed excitement of their upcoming appointment coursed through her.
She had trouble falling to sleep after that, imagining what their baby would look like and daydreaming about the family they were slowly building together.
March 28th, 2014 - 0800 (8:00 am)
Being further along, the ultrasound was an abdominal ultrasound this time, much to Rachel's relief. Though she would have to grin and bear it throughout the physical part of the exam, she knew it was important to make sure everything was developing correctly, especially as she was a first time mother and had no experience with what her body was supposed to be doing.
The next baby would be easier.
Grinning at the thought, she turned to face Tom. He noticed her smile and cocked his head to the side, asking, "What are you grinning about?"
She shrugged and said, "I was just thinking that the next baby would be easier, because I would know what to expect."
Tom laughed as he sat down in the chair beside the cot she was in. "Here you are, thinking about our future babies, and you were the one that basically told me not to get my hopes up about a second one in the first place!"
Rachel shrugged. What could she say? She loved being pregnant, and if Tom was okay with a large family, she would happily do this again.
"Assuming that our hopes for America are founded and there's some semblance of normalcy when we return, I wouldn't be opposed. I want to be able to make a home, and to get Ashley and Sam back into school first, though."
"I was thinking about that, actually," Tom said as they waited for Rios to return with the ultrasound machine. "How would you feel about living in Baltimore?"
Rachel pursed her lips, considering.
"I don't have great memories there, obviously, but I see what you're getting at. I know we've not had contact, but I imagine that Thorwald has managed to set up a fairly stable city by now. Before we left, he was making plans to turn Olympia into a true cure center, to change the radio message but keep the location. When it was ... luring people to their deaths," she said, with no small amount of disdain for what the people of Avocet had been doing, "they were seeing an average of several hundred people a day come through their doors. If he managed to keep up that number, and actually cured them all, the city will probably be completely different when we return."
Tom nodded. "That's what I was thinking. I was thinking we could find a house in Baltimore, and I could help restore a military presence there. Before all this, Baltimore didn't necessarily have a military base like we did in Norfolk, but it's as good a place as any, and probably the most developed and functioning city at this point. I think John's Hopkins Medical Center is in Baltimore, too, and I know that Thorwald was hopeful that it could be a medical base of operations. You could take a position there, as head of research and production of the cure, and I could try and station myself on land so I don't have to leave you and the kids."
Rachel smiled, liking this idea. "We would still be helping cure the world, but in a more stable environment for the children."
"That's what I was thinking. Thorwald is a very organized guy. I'm sure he has a school, hospital, and makeshift police department already set up again. It wouldn't shock me if he also had some kind of trade and barter system in place for goods and services, too. He was Baltimore PD before, so he's probably leading whatever government they've managed to set up."
As Rios came in the room and interrupted their conversation, Rachel found herself feeling hopeful for her future, and the future of their family.
"Are you ready to find out what you're having?" he asked, wheeling the ultrasound machine right up next to Rachel's bed.
Tom grinned mischievously. "A baby, hopefully."
Rachel groaned and rolled her eyes as Rios laughed.
"And the dad jokes begin," he commented. Tom didn't look repentant in the least for his terrible joke, and Rachel loved him for it.
"Yes," she said, answering Rios's actual question. "We are wanting to know the sex of the baby today."
Rios nodded, and then motioned for Rachel to lift her shirt.
Her 19-week baby bump was downright adorable, Tom was convinced. She was physically on the smaller side, and she was all baby. Her normally flat stomach was swollen in a perfect half circle, her belly button already beginning to pop out. Tom had never before thought he had an obsession with baby bumps, but he was having a disconcertingly hard time keeping his eyes and hands off of Rachel's.
Rios applied the ultrasound gel and then placed the wand, pressing firmly to get a clearer view of her uterus and the baby.
He said nothing for several moments, and then, finally, "Hmm."
"What's wrong?" Rachel asked, immediately turning to stare at the screen. From what she could see, the baby was perfect. But she knew that observing her own fetus was different than when she was observing Kara's. She was unable to be objective with her own child.
"Nothing's wrong," Rios said, clicking on the computer and taking a few notes. "The fetus is measuring a little small, but it's hard to get accurate measurements through ultrasound. A few ounces either way isn't anything to be concerned about, as you know. There is an element of trial and error."
Rachel nodded; she knew this, being a doctor. But it still made her heart race a little bit.
"Sam was premature. 9 weeks early, spent 5 of those in the NICU," Tom said, reaching out and taking Rachel's hand into his own. "Could there be a genetic component on my end, somehow?"
Rios hummed contemplatively. "Did the doctor ever say why Sam was premature? Was there a medical reason, preeclampsia or other medical conditions on his mother's part?"
Tom shook his head. "No. Darien was healthy, Sam was healthy. It was spontaneous."
"Then it's unlikely," Rios admitted. "There can sometimes be a genetic reason, but it's often unidentified. Plus, since the children share a father as opposed to a mother, it's even less likely. Most conditions that cause children to be born early are on the mother's side."
"How big is the baby?" Rachel asked.
"Measuring right at 6 inches, and around... 6 ounces."
Rachel bit her lip, tears springing to her eyes.
"Is it... is it because I've had trouble eating? Because I swear I've been trying. I've been trying my best."
Tom gripped her hand tighter, hating that she was feeling responsible for this but unsure how to comfort her.
Rios shook his head. "No, this early in development, if the baby wasn't getting the nutrients they needed, they would take them from you. I would like to see you gaining more weight, however. After we finish the exam, I'm going to be putting you on a very specific diet. A base number of calories I'd like you to eat, plus some supplements if we can find them."
Rachel nodded, more determined than ever to make sure she was eating plenty. She would never again complain when Tom made her eat extra or handed her extra snacks.
"I can do that," she said, nodding. "What else? How is everything else?"
Rios continued the exam, making notes in her chart as he went. "Everything else looks fine. The fetus is moving and active, just like we would expect. Heart rate is right at 130, which is perfect, and blood work looks great. You are on the smaller side, Dr. Scott. It may just be that this baby is taking after you as opposed to Captain Chandler. If they're still measuring small in about 4 weeks, we'll come up with a plan of action then."
Rachel nodded, knowing that it would be torture to wait four more weeks to find out if the baby was growing correctly. In the meantime, she would make sure that she was doing everything she could to ensure the baby was getting enough nutrients.
"All right," Rios said, finishing up the ultrasound and flicking it off after printing another picture. "Here's what I'd like to see. Normally during the second trimester I'd recommend around 2,200 calories a day, but I'd like to see you take in 2,500 for a while. Once you've gained the recommended 8-10 pounds and we do a repeat ultrasound in four weeks, we can change that if we need to. Try not to be too concerned about the baby's size. I'm not worried just yet."
Rachel nodded, covering her stomach with her t-shirt as Tom finished wiping off the ultrasound gel.
"All right. I can do that. What supplements should I be taking?"
Rios ticked them off on his fingers. "A general prenatal vitamin, omega-3, Vitamin D, and Vitamin B12. All of which should be easily found at any pharmacy, assuming they haven't been cleared out. Captain Chandler, can you-"
Tom nodded immediately, cutting the doctor off. "I'll make sure we add these to the list of essentials that the recon team needs to bring back during the next stop."
"Good. Also, see if they can find any high calorie protein shakes or protein powder to bring up Rachel's daily caloric intake. Ones aimed at pregnant women would be best, but I understand that we can't be picky at this point."
"Can do, Doc."
"All right then," Rios said. "Any other questions for me?"
Both Tom and Rachel shook their heads, and he nodded, offering them a smile as he stood up and removed his gloves.
"Oh!" he said suddenly, turning around and grinning at the expectant parents. "You wanted to know the sex of the baby, didn't you?"
Rachel looked up quickly from where she had been staring down at the bed. "Yes! I can't believe we forgot!"
Tom chuckled, kissing her on the forehead as he helped her sit upright on the cot. "You were otherwise occupied, worrying about the baby's size. So, Doc, are we breaking Sam's little heart or not? He's convinced that it's a boy."
Rios chuckled before speaking. "Sam will be thrilled, then. It is a boy. Congratulations."
Rachel laughed happily, her eyes filling with tears as she reached a hand down to press against her belly, her son. A boy. A tiny little Chandler. She hoped desperately that the baby had Tom's eyes.
"A boy," Tom breathed, and then he wrapped Rachel tightly in his arms, burying his face in her hair. "A baby boy."
Rachel nodded her head, letting her tears fall onto his chest as he held her close.
"We are not naming him Bolt, however," she insisted through her tears, and Tom couldn't do anything in that moment other than laugh, filled with joy and excitement for their future.