Chapter 7: Confessions

Ryan couldn't sleep at all. All that he could think about was Marissa. He couldn't forget what she said when they were on the beach. She really did love him. He didn't know what to say or do about that. He wasn't sure if he loved her anymore. He thought he had moved on with his life and gotten her out of his system. He thought that he loved Lindsay and that this was just a test of his love for her. He was starting to realize he was wrong all along.

Ryan crawled out of bed trying not to wake up Seth. He needed to talk to Marissa. He had to tell her how he really cared and how much she hurt him. He knew this was going to be one of those long days without sleep, but he needed to let her know how he felt even if it killed him.

Ryan walked over to the girls' room trying to think of what he was going to say. He knew that if he put it all on the line he may loose her, but if he didn't he may still loose her. Either way he knew he couldn't live with out her. He knew now that Marissa was the one and only love of his life. No other women had touched him the way she had.

He could hear it raining outside. It was ironic that nature was having a temper tantrum just as his heart was. He walked into Marissa's room and walked over to her side of the bed and tapped her lightly. He didn't want to wake up Summer as well.

Marissa groaned as she rolled over toward Ryan and fell off the bed. Ryan caught her and carried her into the living room. He watched her sleep. He couldn't try to wake her up again. She looked to peaceful. He could tell she was having a good dream. He sat there wondering if he was dreaming of him.

"Hey there sleepwalker, you kicked me when you got up. I just realized I was really hungry." Seth said as he walked past Ryan and Marissa. He needed a midnight snack.

Ryan walked over to Seth and hit him as he pushed him into the kitchen. He motioned toward Marissa and put a finger up to his lips motioning for Seth to shut up. Why did he always have to be so loud?

"Sorry dude, I didn't know she was there."

"You did to."

"Yes, I did, but I didn't know she was sleeping."

"Just get lost."

Seth grabs a soda and a sandwich and nods his head. He looked at Ryan as he thought about something. If he did his math right that would mean Summer would be alone in her room. He could sneak in and lay down next to her and she wouldn't even notice. In fact he would love to see the horrified look on her face when she woke up in the morning.

"What is that look on your face for?"

"Nothing…"

"Seth?"

"You know what, I'm sure Summer doesn't want to be left alone because she afraid of the dark."

"She's not afraid of the dark."

"probably not, but wouldn't want to push my luck, so I'm just going to go lay down by her."

"That would be pushing your luck."

"She's probably dreaming about me anyways."

"Ryan?"

"Go…" Ryan said pointing his finger toward to bedroom. He didn't mean to take such an authoritative tone around Seth. He needed to be alone with Marissa so they could talk. If she could tell him how she felt, he could tell her how he felt. He had a lot to say and a lot to figure out. He still loved Lindsay but a part of him will always be with Marissa. He was afraid to love her again. He was afraid that it would only end up in heartache or a big mess. He couldn't go through that again. When he saw her with DJ it was the worse night of his life.

Seth walked away not saying anything as Ryan walked over to Marissa. He sat down at the edge of the couch allowing her room to fall back asleep if she wanted to. He couldn't tell if she was awake or talking in her sleep. She didn't move at all when he sat back down.

"What am I doing in the living room?" Marissa asked as she sat up next to him. She looked at Ryan. His wife beater showing off his perfectly define arm muscles and his boxers almost hinting what was underneath them. She couldn't help but let her mind wander.

"I needed to talk to you."

"Oh, I didn't mean what I said on the beach I was just babbling."

"You meant every word."

"Maybe…"

"Well, you told me what you thought love was and now I have to tell you how I feel."

"Look Ryan I don't expect you to love me back you have Lindsay now and I…"

Ryan put a finger up to her mouth. He had a lot to say and she was going to hear it all. He had to let his heart on the line just like she did. He was going to tell her how he had felt since the moment he arrived back from Chino. All he had to do was find the words to form what he was going to say. Marissa always made him nervous like that.

"when I first laid my eyes on you, I thought you were the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I knew that we had chemistry and we still do. There is a strong history between us. I would still do anything for you if you asked me. I wouldn't even think twice about it. If you need a favor, I am there waiting for your orders. Marissa I used to think Theresa was the first love of my life… I was wrong you are and you are the only love of my life. I know what about Lindsay? I have been really thinking about our relationship, and it's not what the two of us have. We have something special and I'm not sure what it is. I do know that we have both made mistakes and tested it. When I came back, all I wanted to do was see you. You told me you didn't have a boyfriend. You lied to me. You were with that guy and it killed me. I couldn't control myself. I would have hurt him if I didn't leave. It took everything I had to accept that you had moved on, so I did. Then here you are back again. I don't know what love is, but I know it hurts. It hurts because every time I look at you I want to break down. You are everything that I tried to leave behind in Chino, just in a prettier package. I love you against everything I am. I try to move on and you pull me back. I live for you. You don't see it but I do."

Marissa could feel the tears well up in her eyes. Never in her life had someone made her feel so good and so bad at the same time. She didn't know what to say. All she could do was cry; she couldn't even look at him. She didn't even understand why she was crying. She just froze there waiting fro him to say something else.

"Marissa…"

"I don't know what to say, because I can't tell if you love me or hate me."

"I love you."

"Really?"

"With everything I am I love you."

"How do you know?"

"Well, when I am around you nothing else matters. I don't care if I am poor have no family. I don't car e if I have anything as long as I have you. To me love is that feeling you're floating on air whenever you're around that person. You don't worry about what it is you just know. I know that when I'm with you I'm happy and I feel safe. I may not even know what love is but I want to think I love you."

"I…"

"I thought about what you said. In fact, it's all I've been thinking about. I need you."

"You have Lindsay now…"

"No, I don't. She broke up with me before I left. She knows I love you still and she knows That there is nothing she can do to change what we have."

"Ryan?"

"What?"

"I'm sorry about DJ. Its just you left me and I thought you were gone for good. He was just a rebound. I never really felt anything for him. I just wanted to be with you. I tried to call you every night, but when you picked up I didn't know what to say, so I just listened to your voice until you hung up. If I knew you were coming back to me, I would have told you about DJ, I swear. I was going to tell you."

Ryan just shushed her and pushed her down on the couch. He had waited forever to feel her next to him and he wasn't going to let her ruin that. He grinned at her as he lay down on top of her and kissed her like they were forbidden lovers kissing for the first time ever.