-1Smash

I'm comin' home before I hit the ground

Manny awoke with a dull pain in her head and a sharper, more insistent throbbing in her abdomen. She didn't immediately recognize her surroundings, nor recall how she'd gotten there. She could only focus on the pain and, worse, the huge chasm of emptiness she could feel inside of herself, a sense of loss too great to put into words.

Of course, the nurse didn't know that. Eyebrows furrowed in concern, she bent closer to peer into Manny's unresponsive eyes and called her name again. "Manny? Manny, how are you feeling?"

"I - th - thirsty," she rasped out, though that didn't even begin to cover it. She barely knew how she was feeling. "Water?"

The nurse nodded and helped her into a sitting position. Only then did Manny's eyes fly about the room, taking it all in, and the paper cup fell from her hands, its contents sloshing onto the tile floor.

"The baby," she said, and her voice shook as violently as her shoulders. "It's gone? It's over?"

"The operation went just fine, Manny," the nurse assured her, spreading paper towels over the spill. "You're in good condition. A few days of bedrest and you'll be back to normal by next week."

"But the baby?" Manny insisted. "It's gone? I'm not pregnant anymore?"

"No, dear. You're not. Now you just sit back and try to relax, okay, while I go let your boyfriend know you're awake."

"He's not my ..." She trailed off as the nurse hurried away. Not like she cared about Manny's relationship status anyway. And, really, did anyone else need to know that Craig had knocked her up and deserted her when she needed him most? Better to be thought pregnant by a boy who at least had the decency to hold her hand than a jerk who wasn't even aware of her decision.

"Manny?" Jimmy hesitated in the doorway, unsure of the proper protocol for their situation. Was he allowed to hug her? She certainly looked like she needed it, small and pale as she was in the hospital bed. Did he apologize for her loss? Was it stupid to ask how she felt? "How ... how are you?"

"Not pregnant," she said dully.

It wasn't the most assuring answer she could've given, especially delivered with averted eyes and a lifeless tone. Jimmy stepped closer, his concern growing. "Yeah, that part the nurse told me. I meant, how're you feeling?

"Tired." It wasn't entirely the truth - she wasn't tired in the usual sense, in fact, she didn't want to close her eyes ever again. Instead, she felt worn out, used up, a kind of all-consuming exhaustion that wasn't helped by his refusal to come anywhere near her. "Could you ... can we go yet? I have to get to Emma's before her mom gets home from work."

"Sure, sure, of course," Jimmy assured her. "I'll get everything together with the nurse, you just rest a few more minutes. We'll go soon." He lingered another moment, then was gone.

"Thank you," she said softly, to the now empty room, and let the tears flow.

XXX

Jimmy couldn't sleep. He'd been tossing and turning for hours now, and had even made an attempt at counting sheep before 'twenty seven' reminded him of the clinic's address, which reminded him of the day's events, which reminded him of how terribly lost Manny had looked when he dropped her off at Emma's house earlier.

He was really worried about her. She'd made a hugely important decision today, something that would affect her forever. And even though he thought she'd made the right one, he knew from the look on her face earlier that she was having second thoughts.

She'd been careful to keep her eyes closed the entire way home, but he'd known she hadn't been asleep. She'd confessed during their midnight talk at the playground that she couldn't sleep in any kind of moving vehicle. But he'd left it alone, figuring she needed some time to sort things out in her head.

Now he was thinking he should've said something. Even if had been something stupid like 'it'll be okay' or 'you did the right thing'. Maybe that was what she needed to hear from someone. And he wanted that someone to be him.

XXX

Manny cannot find the baby and she has never been so terrified.

She can hear the cries, knows they are coming from somewhere in the house, but she has torn every room apart twice and can find no trace of him. What kind of mother is she, to lose her son like this? "Hold on," she calls out, "I'm coming, I'm almost there, I hear you."

And suddenly, she doesn't. She races into the kitchen and stops short as silence falls abruptly throughout the house. "Oh, God," she whimpers, and louder, "Where are you? Where'd you go?"

Just then, Jimmy saunters into the kitchen, a warm smile on his lips and the baby cradled in his arms. "This what you're looking for, m'lady?"

"Oh." Her breath catches at the sight of them, the child that changed her life and the boy who bettered it. "Yes, it is."

"Well, then." He starts to transfer the baby from his arms to hers, but pauses just as her fingertips brush the soft fleece blanket. "Too bad you threw it all away, huh? And now you can't have either of us."

With those words, he disappears, the blanket dropping - empty - to the floor in his wake. Manny falls to her knees to clutch it, sobbing. "I didn't mean it. I'm sorry. I couldn't do it, I'm sorry, I need you, please ... please come back."

"Manny, wake up. We're right here, Manny. Wake up."

Worried, Jimmy reached out and shook Manny's small shoulders firmly. She snapped awake, shooting upright and into his arms, still trembling from whatever dream had plagued her. "Oh, Jimmy! Oh, God. I was so scared."

"It was just a dream," he comforted. "Try not to think about it, it was just a dream."

Several minutes passed, the only noises in the room Manny's sobs as they subsided and Jimmy's soothing whispers. Finally, Manny took a deep breath and managed to calm herself completely. "Oh, God, you must think I'm crazy," she said, brushing away the last of her tears. "What're you even doing here?"

"I ... okay. This is gonna sound weird. I just ... had a feeling." He shrugged, and his eyes found hers. "Thought you might need a friend."

She giggled a little at that. "Good instincts. How'd you get in?"

"I called Emma, she met me at the front door. When we saw that you were talking in your sleep, I told her I'd take care of you. Some nightmare, by the way," he added. "Want to talk about it?"

"Not really." He waited, watching as she bit her lip and avoided his gaze. "Well. Jimmy. Do you think I'm a bad person for what I did? Be honest. Please."

"Oh, Manny, no. Are you serious? Not at all. I think you made a hard decision, probably the hardest one anyone can make, but I do think you made the right one for you. And I think you're the bravest, strongest person I know for being able to go through so much of this alone."

"You and Emma -" she began, but he cut her off.

"I know Emma and I are here, but I also know we can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. But just so you know ... anytime you want to talk about it, we're here. I'm here. A hundred percent."

Manny was silent for a long minute. Then she shifted on the couch, drawing her feet beneath the blanket Emma had supplied her, and offered in a small voice, "It hurts more than I thought it would. Not just ... I mean, physically, yeah. But the pills they gave me help, so. But it just ... it aches. Like there's this huge hole inside of me. And I don't know how to fill it up."

"That's how I felt when the doctors first told me about my legs," Jimmy commiserated. He was almost thankful for the experience now, simply because it meant he was equipped to have this conversation with her. "Like a part of me had just shriveled up and died. And everyday I have to look down and see that, no, they're still there, they just don't work anymore. It still kills me. But at the same time ... I don't know, it helps, too. Knowing what you've lost. Being able to feel anything at all makes you realize how lucky you are that things turned out like they did. That you're still alive and standing, you know?"

"But I chose to give this baby up," Manny argued. "Nobody did anything to me, Rick didn't put a bullet in my back. I can only blame myself."

"It's not about blame, Manny. It's about forgiving yourself. And forgiving everyone else, too, for being okay when you're not. It's about ... realizing that life's a bitch. And that things aren't always fair, and you can't always get what you want, and every single damn cliché you've ever heard. And it's about knowing that, no matter how hard things get, it's all gonna be worth it in the end."

Her hand instinctively went to her stomach. "I'm scared it's not going to be," she whispered.

"It will be," he assured - no, more than assured. He was promising her something, she could tell by the way his eyes gleamed and his fingers found and tangled with hers. "As long as you want it to be. You make it worth it."

And suddenly, with his voice loaded with meaning and his hand warm and solid covering hers, Manny didn't feel so empty.