Dear Snivellus,
Here's a great muggle invention…Goo-B-Gone. It should help with the problem you call hair.
Seriously yours,
Sirius
Dear Bella,
YOU'RE ADOPTED! Your parents were muggles who dropped you on your head one TOO many times and lined your crib with asbestos. Your real name is Mary Sue! That sure does explain a lot doesn't it!
Caustically yours,
Narcissa
Dearest Draco,
I dream of you all the time! Except for in my dreams you have bushy brown hair and buck teeth. If I bought you a wig and a skirt would you wear it for me?
Yours for always,
Pansy
My dearest luscious Lucius,
I have watched you from afar. The way your split ends sway with the breeze. Your eyes, the wonderful shade of gray only found in dead muggles. I have loved you for so long!
Your secret admirer,
Voldemort