Erza's heart was going to shatter her ribs. With the vicious thumps, her oxygen intake was gradually decreasing and even her children began to hover around her sides noticing her facial expression. Erza could feel cold sweat through her latex gloves.
"Mama's fine", she lied through her teeth, but it was more than obvious that her attempt was a total failure when her one year old son gave her an accusing stare. Ignoring their questions, Erza pulled both of them onto each side of her waist, pleasantly ignoring their complaints.
As she approached the door, Erza's mind wandered to the various markings she had made in retaliation to his suspected betrayal. She had burned off Jellal's face from their wedding picture, scratched off his picture from other albums, burned his clothes and many more.
She hurriedly dropped to her knees to let the children down before hunting for the keys, only to spot that the door was already open and she had distinctly remembered locking it.
Fear...sheer primal fear. That was the only feeling running in her mind. She knew he was not going to hit her. She also knew that he would not yell at her, but part of her would have been satisfied with either one of those outcomes.
Jellal was sitting in the corner of the room with a hand on his forehead close to a broken vase. Before Erza could usher her children elsewhere, Azure understood the atmosphere and dragged her little brother outside promising to stargaze with him that night.
Taking a deep breath, Erza walked towards him and gently went down on her knees to meet his face. He had a bored expression on his face, but his bloodshot eyes and tear stained cheeks said otherwise.
"All it took was one simple accusation", he laughed and looked at the cut on his hand caused by punching the vase.
"And things went back to how they were", he sighed. Erza instantly grabbed his hand and started to nurse the wound, and it was no surprise that Jellal started to complain. He instantly yanked his hand from her grip and continued to maintain his silence.
"Jellal..", she called out to him and gently caught his hand again to nurse the wound. He didn't remove his hand from her grip but did not respond to her question.
"I...I know an apology doesn't cover anything and it does not excuse what I had done to you. But...I truly am remorseful, dear. I just want to erase that day from existence, but I know I can't. I'm so sorry, Jellal. I'm so sorry for not being there for you when you needed me. I'm so sorry for doubting you, for hurting you and I know this is not something I can just gloss over with an apology and a few tears. I...I don't care if I have to start from scratch or if you treat me worse than a slave. I...I will earn you back, Jellal. I can promise you that. I will earn your trust. All I'm asking is for a chance", she whispered tearfully.
"I am not going to run behind you apologising everyday. If I do so, I fear the word would lose its meaning. But I promise...my regret is true and I'm willing to do anything to atone", she whispered the last part and gently squeezed his nursed hand. Jellal did not respond and stared at her with a blank expression on his face.
"How did you get inside?", she asked him inquisitively and Jellal pointed his chin towards the spare keys in front of a half burnt photograph.
"I remembered keeping one in the Crime Sorciere building", he replied before getting up, and Erza mirrored his action. She adjusted his collar and marvelled at his muscular chest which she had missed a lot. Her thoughts however, turned dark on seeing a few scratch marks and scars covering his beautiful skin.
Suddenly, a loud sound blared from the other room and Cerulean's monstrous giggling echoed. Jellal instinctively turned to his right, the direction of the sound and Erza's reaction was a bit delayed.
His sudden turn caused his left collar to slightly move away from his neck and exposed the vicious scar that was given to him by her. Erza's eyes widened as she instantly grabbed his collar and yanked his trenchcoat to the side, further bringing the deep scar to her view.
Jellal instantly stepped back and pulled his collar closer to his skin, cutting off the scar from Erza's view.
"I...It's from an ambush th...that happened a few months back", he lied and Erza instantly saw through it. Erza had already said that she would not apologise for the mistake again, but Jellal could almost hear the hundreds of apologies that were screaming inside her mind.
"Let's have lunch", he sighed and walked towards the kitchen. Jellal's eyes widened as he saw what was going on in the kitchen and through her blurry eyes, Erza could almost swear that she saw her husband's lips softly curl into a smile. With a sigh, Jellal went inside and Erza frowned.
Walking towards the kitchen, her poor heart almost decided to give up on seeing the mess her children had made. Cerulean's clothes were soaked in tomato puree and Azure had almost caked her face with flour. Remnants of vegetables were lying on the floor and Jellal was cleaning visible stains.
"Papa, can you cwean my face?", Cerulean asked as he violently scrubbed his face with his hands. Jellal nodded and brought a tissue close to his face, but his hands began to falter. Cerulean stared at the tissue for a few seconds and eventually lost his patience. He grasped on to Jellal's pants and rubbed his face against it before running towards Azure, coating Jellal's thighs with whatever Godforsaken concoction the two were making.
Erza was blatantly worried on seeing their interaction. She was worried that Jellal might be involuntarily taking his anger out on their children by avoiding contact, and decided to have a talk with him that night.
That Night
Perhaps she had mistaken, but it would be safer to make sure that she was wrong. During dinner, he had significantly improved and held small conversations with the kids. They were nothing spectacular or worthy of sharing, but it was a start. However, he appeared too reserved and she feared it may have given their children the vibe that he did not want to speak with them.
It was a miracle that she had somehow managed to convince him to sleep on the same bed as her when he was almost hellbent on taking the couch.
Worrying her way to sleep, Erza somehow managed to get some peace. She reflected on her own words to Jellal when he was burdened with guilt.
Those words seemed laughable at the moment. Erza realised that it was too easy to just offer advice to others when you haven't felt the same feeling for yourself. Each moment she saw his face, it was as if another Erza was choking her from behind, but the pain would not stop and would go on forever.
Erza shot up to derail her train of thoughts and sighed, annoyed by her interrupted sleep. She peeked to her left side and to her surprise, the bed was empty. Another train of thought started to move, and this time, she decided to search for him.
Their bedroom had an attached washroom and its lights were switched off meaning he was not inside the room. Erza removed the covers and fanned herself with her hands.
She was bathed in sweat and she wore a bathrobe that hung close to the bed, and the robe stuck to her sweaty skin.
Softly adjusting her hair and appearance, she left the room fearing the worst. To her surprise however, Jellal was standing in the hall, right in front of the sofa, and their children were sleeping on the same, hugging each other.
He was standing there shirtless and looked at his hand once before gulping loudly. Jellal slowly went down to his knees and reached to grab Azure's hand. Erza meanwhile, silently watched with a smile on her face.
Azure began to mumble something in her sleep and moved her hand forward as if she were to poke something and her finger made contact with his hand.
Jellal's hand instantaneously pulled back to the scar on his neck and he scurried a few metres away from her. His handsome face morphed into a disappointed grimace as he squeezed the scar and its surrounding skin as he softly clicked his tongue in annoyance.
Jellal felt a massive force collide behind him and he instantly knew who it was when he saw a lock of scarlet hair on his shoulder. Erza's left hand caught his own and her right arm was locked around his waist. Her chin was on shoulder and could hear her softy whimpering.
"Please touch them, Jellal", she begged him and gave his hand a reassuring squeeze.
"The same bitch who asked you to stay away from them is now begging you to do the opposite. Haven't you won? Don't... Don't hurt them, dear. Please", she sobbed and Jellal released himself from her grip as he avoided her eyes. She could see the shame and disappointment legibly written on his face as he turned away from her.
"S...She was going to fall off, so...I... you're here anyway. I'm going back", he mumbled and left the room softly cursing himself.
She was mistaken once again. He was trying. It was not that he didn't want to be with them or play with them, it was that he couldn't.
The trauma of that day was still fresh in his mind, and she had dealt the final blow in making him a shell of a man.
"What are you two doing here?", she softly whispered to the two children as she gently picked them so as not to wake them up.
Erza tiptoed her way to their room and placed them on Azure's bed. Kissing both of their foreheads, Erza tucked them in before heading back to bed where Jellal was sitting with his face in his hands.
Erza climbed up the bed and rushed behind him to grab his biceps. She gently ran her hands over his muscular arms and placed her forehead on his shoulder, waiting for some sort of reaction from him, but once again, he was like a robot - he was emotionless to her touch and words.
"I know that you are trying, Jellal. They are not that weak and will understand it. They...They are our children after all, aren't they? Just...give yourself some time", she whispered and let go of him.
"Why didn't you find yourself a new man?", he asked her as he ran his hand through his hair, pulling back the strands of hair covering his face.
If things between them were normal or if it was just a small misunderstanding, Erza would've come up with a retort that would have surely annoyed him, but things were different at the moment.
"You were the only one who loved me for who I am, and not just for my body. Nobody else could see me as a person. They just saw me as a piece of meat", she explained as she removed her bathrobe.
"Jellal, I will understand if...if you would want to separate. I would be crushed, but I would not be surprised. But, just promise me you would be there for our children. Please", Erza requested him and was tempted to hug him from behind but abstained from doing so. She sighed in relief when she saw him nod his head. It was not her victory, but it was not a loss as well.
"Baby steps, Erza. One by one, step by step. Be patient", she whispered to herself and saw Jellal frowning at her chest, and she bent down to see the mark on her left breast - the same mark on Jellal's eye.
To be continued...