Touched By An Ancient

By Ann3

Writer's note: Watching the SG1 two parter Moebius last weekend made me think - and that doesn't happen often, so I've made the most of it ! We know from his guest appearances in SG1 that our favourite scientist was assigned to the SGC before the Antarctica expedition, but what about Carson ? And why is he so reluctant to go off-world ?

So with spoilers here for Heroes, these are my thoughts for Carson's life at the SGC before Atlantis... I hope you enjoy...

Chapter Fifteen

From discoveries and realisations that had totally overwhelmed him, Carson had cried himself empty. Now a re-filled glass was back in his hand. And this time he didn't hesitate in downing its contents. Burning a fiery trail straight down to his stomach, it worked thankful wonders in clearing his head.

It took a few further moments, though, for its reviving strength to restore his powers of speech. And even then, his still emotionally charged voice could barely raise itself above a whisper.

"I'm – I'm sorry, dad, but all this, it's… it's just so much to take in…"

"I know, son… and ye don't need to apologise…" his father smiled, gently squeezing his shoulder. "Ye just need to understand, Carsie… accept your calling… and all that comes with it…"

"Aye, dad… aye, I'm getting that now…" Carson replied softly, managing a trace of a smile in return. One aspect of that calling then caused his cheeks to dimple, in shy pride, as he glanced at his father. "Just still can't believe I'm a dad… or – or that I'd love it so much…"

"Aye, lad, there's nothing better in the world than havin' a wee bairn in your life…" his father agreed, smiling too, in relieved approval this time, at the unabashed laughter that answered his next question. "So how is my wee Dochas…? Keepin' ye on your toes, I bet…?"

"Aye, she is that… just starting to crawl now, the wee bugger's into everything…"

Thinking back to when she'd been born, at another time in his life when he'd felt so lost and low, Carson then sighed – gathering his thoughts for a few moments before meeting his father's eyes with gratitude in his own.

"She's living up to her name, though… given us all hope… something to believe in… to fight for…"

"Aye, son, I know… she'll do that, right enough…" his father agreed, proudly patting his shoulder – adding his own, sadly reflective understanding for the helplessness within his son's next words.

"I just wish I could be sure of her future, dad. Just wish I'd brought her into a safer world than this…"

"Aye, lad, I know… it's a fear that every father feels, whoever or wherever he is…"

"Except I'm not like your normal, everyday dad… and neither were you…" Carson added softly, glancing at his father with acceptance in his eyes now, not the bitterness that had clouded them before. "Not many fathers have seen what we've seen, or – or know what we know…"

"No, lad… no, they haven't…" his father admitted, studying him with a smile of bittersweet pride. "I have to admit, Carsie, that was the most frustratin' thing for me to deal with when ye were born… seein' all the other wee bairns in their cribs, knowin' how normal they all were, while knowin'…"

"…that I wasn't…" Carson finished for him, his turn to offer gentle words of supportive comfort. "It must have been hell on you, dad… knowing what I'd been born into, but not able to share it…"

"To be honest, son, the hardest part was no' telling your mother…" his father admitted, smiling sadly. "Even then, before the Goa'uld, or the Wraith, the threat we were facing… well, you've seen it, son… you've been through enough now to ha'e seen it for yourself… the kind of enemy we're up against…"

Carson nodded once more, memories of what he'd seen at the SGC drifting, unwanted, into his mind.

Assigned primarily to lab-bound research into the Ancient gene, as well as his normal duties in the Infirmary, he'd gone off-world just once. Once had been enough, though. More than enough. In fact, the horrors he'd seen that day had torn his heart apart, inflicting a scar on him which, he knew, would never fully heal.

When they'd left for P3X-666, Janet Fraiser had been at his side, gently settling those first time nerves. On their return, though, there had been no chance to thank her for them. There'd just the bloodied, shellshocked remnants of three SGC teams, bearing a single body bag between them.

He'd cried for her for days afterwards, her loss affecting him every bit as deeply as that of his father – a quiet voice, the gentlest hand on his shoulder, comforting him through a fresh wellspring of grief.

"She didnae die in vain, son… she died, just as she'd ha'e wanted to, savin' others. So did I…"

Too lost in memories to question his father's mind-reading talents, Carson just bit his lip and nodded.

Closing his eyes, he then bowed his head, breathing deeply until the images in his mind changed – a plain black bodybag transforming back into a laughing, bright eyed face full of beauty and life.

Remembering Janet Fraiser in the joy of life rather than the despair of death, Carson Beckett said goodbye to the woman he'd loved.

Unseen and unfelt in the depths of his memories, another ghost from his past finally lay settled to rest. Above him, a blur of blue light began its penultimate journey around a glowing circle of stone.