I do not own anything in these stories. All rights go to the creator Chris Savino and the current showrunner, Michael Rubiner. This story is a parody of the Simpsons Season 1 episode "Bart the General." The rights of that show go to the creator, Matt Groening and developer James L. Brooks.
It was early morning of Tuesday, March 25, 1986 at the Loud House, Lori was baking some cupcakes for Lola while Bobby was standing by the oven.
Bobby smelled something and said, "Whoo? Lori, do I smell cupcakes?" and he opens the oven door, and sees the cupcakes, "Oooh, do I ever!"
Lori then spoke, "Ah-ah, Bobby. My sister Lola's making these for her teacher."
"Ah, say no more, babe," Bobby replied as he closed the oven door.
Just then, Lincoln comes in the kitchen and opens the oven door to look at the cupcakes, "Mmmm! Cupcakes! Don't mind if I do!"
Suddenly, Lori gently pulls Lincoln away and spoke sternly, "Lincoln!"
"Keep your greasy mitts out of there!" Lola yelled.
"These are for Lola's class," Lori replied as she put her oven mitts on and took the cupcakes out of the oven.
"It's Miss Allegra's birthday," Lola replied.
But Lincoln then began to argue with Lola, "You know, there are names for people like you, Lola!"
"No there aren't," Lola replied.
Lincoln then yelled names to Lola, "Teacher's pet, apple sweetener, butt kisser..."
But it got Bobby's attention, "Lincoln! You're saying "butt kisser" like it's a bad thing."
"What? What do you mean?" Lincoln said nervously.
Bobby then invites Lincoln to sit on his lap and he then spoke with him, "Well, you see, boy, it never hurts to grease the wheels a little.
Lola then replied, "I'm not greasing the wheels, Bobby. All us girls and boys like our teachers."
"Sure, Lola," Bobby replied before he turns back to Lincoln, "You see how it works, Lincoln? A cupcake here, a good grade there."
Lincoln then replied, "Look Dad, I get good grades because I'm smart and I pay attention and I study hard."
"That's exactly what I'm really talking about," Bobby replied, "It's the three roads to success, Lincoln: Work, brains, and..." he holds up a cupcake, "hmm..."
"Oh, brother," Lola said grumpily to herself.
Just then, Rita called for everybody, "Kids! Let's go! You're gonna be late for school!"
"Uh-oh, Mom's calling for us!" Lori exclaimed, "Come on, everybody! Let's move!
Bobby opens his mouth to eat the cupcake in his hand, but Lori grabs it before he can bite it.
"Come on, Bobby. We don't have time," Lori said as she grabbed Bobby.
Outside, everybody was getting ready to hop inside Vanzilla including Bobby, who was sitting with Lori and Lily.
Just then, Lincoln came up to two of his older sisters, Leni and Luna and greeted them, "Hey, Luna! Hi, Leni!"
"Oh, hi, Lincoln," Leni said unhappily.
"Yo, Lincoln, my lil' bro!" Luna said happily.
"Hey, can you believe it, girls?" Lincoln confessed, "Lola here made a whole pile of cupcakes to butter up her teacher, and she won't give anybody else even one measly little crumb."
"Ooh, that's bad news, dude," Luna said sadly.
"Yeah, that's literally bad news, Linky," Leni replied sadly, "Quite a shame, too."
Suddenly, Lola then comes to Luna and speaks to her, "Here, Mama. I made some extra ones for you and Leni." and she handed the two extra cupcakes to Leni and Luna.
"Oh, finally! Something to eat!" Leni said happily as she and Luna grabbed the cupcakes and ate them, "I haven't really had anything for breakfast this morning because I was so busy talking with Chazzy-wazzy bear on the phone!"
"Thanks, brah! You and Lana are cool daughters in my book!" Luna said happily as she ate the cupcake.
"You're welcome, Mommy," Lola said sweetly to Luna as Lincoln gets in with Lola and Lana.
"Okay, kids! Get in!" Rita called as everybody else got into the van.
With that, Vanzilla takes off onto the road to school and Lola's cupcake box jumps. A few of the girls scream and laugh in happiness while Lincoln grabs the box.
"Whoa, better let me hold these, Lols!" Lincoln suggested.
"No way, or I'll tell Mom you punched Lana!" Lola screamed.
Lincoln then started swearing out insults again, "You meddling idiot! You little cake-stealing pageant thief!
"Tell me more," Lola said sneakingly.
Lincoln continued using insults, "Liar! Victim Blamer! Tattletaleing Bitch!"
"You'll never get one now, Little Mr. Name-Caller," Lola said suspiciously, "Start explaining or I'll tell Mom and Dad you punched Lana."
Lincoln then confessed to Lola, "All right, all right. Look, Lola, I'm sorry. I... uh... I got upset. In the heat of the moment, I said some things I didn't mean."
"You weren't thinking, were you?" Lola asked him.
"No," Lincoln replied.
"I'm not a sniveling toad, am I?" Lola once again asked him.
"Not really," Lincoln replied.
Lola then continued, "I'm not a little tattletaleing brat, am I?
"Of course not," Lincoln replied.
"All right then," Lola paused for a moment and spoke, "What am I?"
"A beautiful human being," Lincoln replied.
"What do you like best about me?" Lola asked him.
Lincoln then replied, "Well, I'd have to say your love and passion for beauty pageants, and having pretend tea parties and acting like a real princess. Just as much as my mom's generous nature and her spirit of giving and her voice of reason."
Lori suddenly heard what Lincoln said and became overjoyed, "Oh my God!"
Lola then cooled herself down and then spoke sweetly, "Well, alright, Linky! Open your mouth and close your eyes, and you will get a big surprise!"
In response, Lincoln closed his eyes and opens his mouth, "Ahh!"
Suddenly, Vanzilla jolts and one cupcake drops onto the floor. Lisa grabs it and throws it into Lincoln's mouth and he eats it.
"Thanks, Lols! You're a good sibling like Lana and Luna and Mom," Lincoln said happily as he ate the cupcake.
Later, the van arrives at Royal Woods Elementary-Middle School and all of the younger siblings from Lynn to Lisa plus Lori all get out of the van.
Lola then called for a special friend of hers named... "Look, Winston. Cupcakes."
"Whoa! Cupcakes!" Winston exclaimed, "I want one!"
But suddenly... "Ah, give me that!" ...one of Chandler's goons grabs the box and eats the cupcakes.
Lola then screamed in anger, "Hey, give those back!"
Lincoln then runs over to Lola and the goon and yelled, "Hey what's the big idea? That's my sister Lola, man."
"So what?" The goon defied.
Lincoln then growled at the goon, "So give her back those cupcakes before Mom turns you into a human pretzel!"
Suddenly, Lori gasped upon what Lincoln said and spoke in surprise, "Lincoln!"
"Don't, Lincoln!" Lola screamed, "He's a friend of Chandler McCann!"
In response, the weasel drops the box of cupcakes on the ground and steps on it.
Lincoln then looks down in anger and yelled out, "All right, you lousy bastard! You asked for it!"
Children around them start cheering. Lincoln and the weasel stare at each other as the children continue to cheer and he jumps onto the weasel and fights him. However, Lincoln is grabbed off of him by one of the school's bullies named Chandler McCann. Lincoln punches Chandler while swinging his fists blindly in all directions, but Chandler toughly throws him onto the grass.
Lincoln then jumped in fear and screamed, "Wha...?"
The weasel then yelled, "Chandler, you're bleeding!"
"Naw, happens all the time. Somebody else's blood splatters on me," Chandler said before he sniffs and realizes that the blood that is dripping from his nose is his own, "Hey, wait a minute. You're right. You made me bleed my own blood!"
The children around Lincoln gasp while he winces and speaks hesitantly, "It was an accident, Chandler. A terrible, unruly mistake. Ask anybody! Perhaps even my Mom!"
Nobody answers as a cold wind passes.
"Sounds like a cold wind is hitting us, Lincoln," Lori said quietly.
Just then, Principal Huggins arrives and walks over towards the children and greeted them, "Hello, kids. Everything above the board here? Good. Play friendly, children," suddenly, the school bell rings and he changes his mind, "Uh-oh, there's your bell. Come along, now, all of you. No dawdling, now."
"I'll get you after school, twerp," Chandler growled as he punches Lincoln in the chest, causing him to flinch.
The principal then finished speaking out, "Come on, everybody! Hurry up. It's time for class. There's learning afoot."
Lincoln started to realize something as he spoke very quickly with Lori, "Mom, I've got a really bad feeling about this."
With that, Lori and Lincoln and the other Loud siblings enter inside the school.
In Ms. Johnson's classroom, everyone except Lincoln is reading a book, while Lincoln dreams about what will happen when Chandler beats him up.
Lincoln was yelling, "Okay, Chandler, put up your dukes!" but Chandler appears by him, causing Lincoln to run away from him in fear as he enters the school and closes the door.
However, a giant Chandler destroys the door as he stomps in and he laughs evilly, "HA HA HA HA! I HAVE YOU NOW, TWERP!"
"Yikes!" Lincoln yelled as he throws several knives at Chandler, which are plastic and Chandler drags them off of his body.
"Ha, ha, ha!" Chandler laughed in an evil manner even more as Lincoln starts shooting Chandler with a gun, but the bullets fall off of Chandler as they fail to shoot him and continued laughing evilly.
"Oh, God please help me!" Lincoln screamed as he throws the gun, which is caught by Chandler and he eats it whole. Lincoln screams as he runs up the stairs, but he is closely followed by Chandler. The stairs stop at a dead end and they fall as Chandler grabs Lincoln.
Chandler then screamed out, "Mmm! Lunchtime! Ha, ha, ha! Lunchtime!"
As Chandler swallows him whole, Lincoln screams while he travels down Chandler's esophagus. The nightmare suddenly ends as Clyde wakes Lincoln up, calling for him, "Lunchtime, Lincoln! It's lunchtime!"
Lincoln and Clyde are in the school hallway, on their way to the lunchroom.
Lincoln was very frantic and spoke, "Clyde, I don't think I'm gonna get out of the fifth grade alive."
"You've gotta tell Principal Huggins, Lincoln," Clyde suggested.
"But Clyde, I can't squeal," Lincoln replied, "It would violate the code of the schoolyard."
Once the two enter the lunchroom, Lana called for everybody, "Hey, everybody! Here comes our brother, Lincoln the bully-killer!"
Suddenly, Children cheer for Lincoln.
"You're our hero, Lincoln!" Mollie exclaimed.
"You might be our next big athlete, Lincoln!" Margo exclaimed.
Lincoln then spoke frantically, "Look, everybody. I would just assume you won't make a big deal out of this. I'm not sayin' I'm not a hero. I'm just saying that I fear for my safety."
Suddenly, Chandler marches out of the crowd.
"Oh no! It's Chandler and his goons!" Polly screamed.
"Look out!" Liam screamed.
All of the children run away, leaving Lincoln alone while Chandler looks at him.
In response, Lincoln started speaking frantically, "Chandler, please, it was all a mistake. This is how it happened, man. Listen up. You may get a kick out of it. My sister Lola was making cupcakes this morning and..."
Suddenly, Chandler grabbed him by the shirt.
"I'll see you at the flagpole at 3:15, twerp!" Chandler said angrily.
"And you better be prompt," one of his goons added in anger.
"He has four other beatings scheduled this afternoon," another goon added grumpily.
Back in class, Lincoln wonders what other thing will happen when Chandler beats him up. Lincoln dreams that he is dead in a coffin holding his lunchbox, and his dead corpse is at a funeral parlor. Ms. Johnson walks in first.
"Goodbye, my sweet little honored student," Ms. Johnson said sadly as the principal came in, "He was such a pure angel."
"Yes. The school nurse did a wonderful job reconstructing his little face after the fight," the principal replied, "Goodbye, Linc. I guess you were right. All that homework was a waste of your time."
Ms. Johnson and Huggins leave as Clyde, Girl Jordan and Liam walks in.
"Thanks, Lincoln. We got the day off from school for this," Clyde replied.
"So long, Linc. You were an amazing classmate," Girl Jordan replied, "You could have made a great boyfriend of mine."
"Thanks for having us as friends," Liam replied.
Clyde, Girl Jordan and Liam all leave as Lynn Sr., Rita, Lori, Bobby, Ronnie Anne and Lily all walk in. Out of all of them, Lori was hit the hardest as she had mascara bleeding from her eyes from her crying and sobbing so much.
"Goodbye, kiddo," Lynn Sr. said depressingly, "You're off to a better place up in the clouds now."
"Rest well, Lincoln," Rita said as she was about to cry, "You were like the only son we had."
"I can't even believe this, Bobby!" Lori said as she started to lean onto the coffin and begins crying her eyes out, "Who wants a day off from work or school when we're never gonna see my beloved son again?! Oh, Lincoln! Ohh, Lincooo-hooo-hooo-hoooln!"
"Hey, don't worry, babe. Always be brave." Bobby said as he comforted Lori before turning to Lincoln, "Good-bye, son. You were always a special little guy to me and my babe Lori.
"Take care of yourself up in Heaven, brother," Ronnie Anne replied sadly as she looks into Lincoln's dead corpse, "I'm sorry I pantsed you in class the other day. I should have been a better sister to you."
Rita holds up Lily so she can see Lincoln's dead corpse. Rita then leaves after Lily and Ronnie Anne both looked at the corpse as Lola and Lana walk in in with a cupcake.
"Lincoln, here's that cupcake you wanted," Lola cried as Lana put the cupcake on top of Lincoln's dead corpse, "I can't help but think if I had just given it to you in the first place, this whole horrible tragedy could have been avoided. I know you can't eat it now, so Lana and I will just place it lovingly on your forehead."
Just then, Chandler came to Lincoln's dead corpse and screamed, "Chandler: Hey, look. They got food at this thing. Here's one for the road, dude." before he punches Lincoln in the stomach and all of a sudden, the dream ends.
Suddenly, back in reality, the school bell rings. Outside, the clock shows "3:15". Lincoln attempts to hide from Chandler and his goons but he lands in front of them.
"Put 'em up, bumsniffers!" Chandler yelled as the three punch Lincoln until he is knocked on the floor.
"Boy, you sure taught me a lesson," Lincoln said as he was dragged along, "Thanks guys. I guess all that's left is a hearty handshake. Right guys?"
"I'm gonna get you again tomorrow, twerp!" Chandler said angrily as he throws Lincoln into a dustbin.
A goon then suggested, "Is 3:15 good for ya?"
"Uh, not really," Lincoln replied but...
"Too bad, moron!" A goon yelled as he threw Lincoln is down the street with the dustbin.
Sometime later that evening, the dustbin arrives at the Loud house. Lincoln groans and falls on the floor. He picks himself up and enters the house.
"Hi, I'm home," Lincoln said once he entered.
"Tough day at school, champ?" Lynn Sr. spoke in despair.
"Lincoln, are you okay?" Rita asked in sadness.
"Oh man, Lincoln honey, what happened to you?" Lori said in fear.
"Let's just say I payed the inevitable price for helping out those sisters back there," Lincoln replied.
"So, you had a little scuffle, eh?" Bobby replied, "He-he. Hope you won!"
"Yeah, what... he... said," Lori added.
Upstairs, Lincoln enters the bathroom and looks in the mirror.
"I'm gonna miss ya, big guy," Lincoln said to himself before he groans and goes into the bathtub.
Just then, Lori peeks in.
"Hey, Lincoln, my dear sweetheart, Mom and Dad seem to have the fool idea that...," Lori slowed down while she talked, "you're... upset about something."
Lori then came over to the bathtub where Lincoln was crying.
Lincoln was crying out softly, "Mommy, I need help...please. Oh."
"Now, come on, sweetie, we don't want Mom and Dad to see you crying," Lori said as she comforted Lincoln.
"Oh, man," Lincoln started to cry some more.
"There, there, sweetheart, would you like Mommy to dry those tears for you?" Lori said in a sweet and sympathetic manner as a few tears drop from Lincoln's eyes, and Lori wipes the tears off of Lincoln and she continued, "So, what's the problem, hon? Did you have a bad day at school today?"
Lincoln then started to explain, "Mommy... I had a run-in with...a bully."
Suddenly, their parents, Rita and Lynn Sr. enter and they both shout, "A BULLY?!"
"Oh, come on, Mom and Dad!" Lori complained, "I don't bug you when you're helping the twins.
"Well, Lincoln, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this," Lynn Sr. said sternly.
"Hmmm, I guess I could do that," Lincoln thought to himself.
"What, and violate the code of the schoolyard, Mom and Dad?!" Lori yelled, "Uh uh! No! Absolutely not! Bobby and I would rather Lincoln die!"
"What on earth are you talking about, Lori?!" Lynn Sr. said sternly to Lori.
"The code of the schoolyard, Mom and Dad!" Lori said angrily, "The rules that teach a boy like him how to be a man!"
In nervousness and fear, Lincoln looks at his mother Lori fighting with their parents.
Lori continued speaking, "Let's see. Don't tattle, always make fun of those different from you, never say anything unless everyone feels exactly the same way you do. And what else?"
"Oh, Lori, that's ridiculous!" Rita said in a stern tone before she turned to Lincoln, "Lincoln, instead of fighting why don't you try a little bit of understanding."
Lincoln then spoke in surprise, "What do you mean, mother?"
"Yeah right, this ought to be good for a laugh!" Lori said grumpily to herself.
"Shhh!" Rita silenced Lori before she turned to her husband, "Lynn. Would you like to help?"
"Don't mind if I do," Lynn Sr. replied before he helped explain to Lincoln, "So, Lincoln. This bully friend of yours, is he a little on the chunky side?
"Nah, he is just a little. But not much," Lincoln replied.
"Mmmhmm," Lynn Sr. continued explaining, "And I bet he doesn't do well in his studies either."
"No, he's pretty dumb. He's in all the same special classes I am," Lincoln replied, "In fact, I do much better in my studies than he does."
"Ahhhh. So that's why he lashes out at the world," Lynn Sr. said as he realized it.
"Oh, Mom, Dad. Are you really getting into this right now?" Lori complained.
Rita then explained to Lincoln, "Lincoln. I think Lynn might be right. Tomorrow, instead of bickering with this boy, talk to him. He'll be surprised at how a little understanding will go."
With that, Lori pulls Lincoln out of the bathtub.
"Well, thank you very much Mr. and Mrs. Know-It-Alls," Lori said as she carried Lincoln, "Let's go, honey. We gotta get Bobby to help you as well."
In response, Lynn Sr. and Rita both growl.
In the living room, Bobby draws a simple face onto a grey punching bag.
Bobby then started explaining to him, "All right, Lincoln. Now here's that boy of yours."
"Show us your stuff, kid. I know you can do it," Lori said happily.
Lincoln weakly punches the bag, much to Bobby and Lori's surprise.
"No-no, not like that," Lori said in concern, "Show them what he should do, Bobby!"
"Heeearrgh!" Bobby onto the punching bag, causing Lincoln to wince. Bobby grabs the skin of it with his teeth. He spits the skin out and spoke, "See that boy, you didn't expect that, did you? And neither will he."
"You mean I should try to fight dirty, Mom and Dad?" Lincoln asked them.
Bobby then explained, "Unfortunately, son, we Louds sometimes have to bend the rules a little in order to hold our own."
"Even if fights get way out of control," Lori added, "You still gotta fight back to do what's right for us."
"Amen." Lincoln finished.
"So next time this boy thinks you're gonna through a punch, you throw a glob of mud in his eye!" Lori said bravely, "And then you sock him when he's staggering around blinded!"
"Yeah!" Lincoln cheered.
"And there's nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back is turned," Bobby replied.
"Gotcha," Lincoln replied positively.
"And if you get the chance, get him right in the family jewels!" Bobby yelled, "That little doozy's been a trademark of the Loud Family for generations."
With that, he punched the bag again.
"Thanks, pap," Lincoln replied positively as Bobby and Lori both smile.
Wednesday, March 26, 1986
Lincoln was preparing to have another bright day at school today, but suddenly, he has another encounter with Chandler McCann.
"Whoa!" Lincoln screamed as he slips on mud, "Damn it!"
"All right, twerp! Put 'em up!" Chandler growled.
"Oh no! Not this time, you little bastard!" Lincoln yelled as he throws mud in Chandler's eye and punches him hard in the face.
This causes Chandler to wince greatly before he wipes the mud off his face.
"You little runt..." Chandler growled.
Just then Bobby appears in a bubble with Lori and exclaims, "Remember the family jewels, son."
Lincoln attempts to punch Chandler but is pushed away. Lincoln looks into the bubble, but Bobby and Lori both shrug. Chandler then punches Lincoln continually, causing them to wince in the bubble.
Lincoln then begs them, "Oh no, boys, not the can, please."
Later, the trash can is sent down the path again until it stops at the Loud House, where Luna and the twins are sitting on the front porch licking some ice cream. Lana and Lola then look at Lincoln while he crawls out of the trash can.
Lola then started explaining, "Lincoln, I know you're our only brother but... you can't go on like this."
"I know," Lincoln replied as he coughs out his hat.
Lana then suggested something, "Why don't you go see Grampa?"
"Well, what can he do?" Lincoln asked them
"He'll give you good advice, bro," Luna replied, "he's possibly the toughest Loud alive next to LJ."
Lincoln then realized something, "What's that? He is?"
"Yeah, he's currently seeking refuge in a guest room at the retirement home," Lana explained, 'You should probably go speak with him."
At the Sunset Canyon Retirement Home, Lincoln entered and rang the bell and spoke, "Hi, uh excuse me. I, uh... I'm here to see Grampa."
Immediately, all the "Grampas" appear.
Sue then replied in concern, "Lincoln, half the people here are named "Grampa."
"Well, Pop-Pop then," Lincoln replied.
All the other "Grampas" then growl and go inside their rooms.
"Oh, uh... He's in one of the guest rooms in this home, third room on the left." Sue replied.
"Thanks," Lincoln said as he goes to one of the guest visiting rooms.
In that room, Albert is writing a letter on a piece of paper as he said to himself, "Dear Advertisers, I am really disgusted at the way old people are being depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals who remember the good old days, when entertainment was bland and inoffensive. The following is a list of words I never want to hear on television again: Number 1: Bra, Number 2: Horny, Number 3: Family jewels."
Just then, Lincoln opens the door and said quietly, "Um... hi, Grampa. I hear you're seeking refuge here."
"Hey hey, Lincoln, what brings you here?" Albert spoke happily.
"I need some advice, Grampa," Lincoln suggested, "See, there's this bully at school named Chandler McCann, and... he keeps beating me up."
"Let me tell ya something boy," Albert explained, "If you don't stand up for yourself, bullies are gonna keep picking on ya for the rest of your life."
Just then, Seymour opens the door and suggested, "Hey, Reeds, give me the newspaper."
"Oh, why should I?" Albert asked him.
"I wanna do the crossword puzzle!" Seymour suggested.
"No, I wanna do the crossword puzzle!" Albert yelled.
"I said gimme that puzzle!" Seymour yelled.
"No!" Albert yelled.
"Gimme!" Seymour yelled.
"No!" Albert yelled.
"Gimme!" Seymour yelled.
"No!" Albert yelled and the two suddenly fight over the newspaper before he yelled out, "Hey! The kid's here!"
Suddenly, Seymour wins the newspaper and screamed out, "He-he-he-he!"
Albert then explained, "Well, I guess I can't help ya, but I know someone who can."
At the The Royal Woods Military Antique Shop...
Lincoln then asked him, "Is this the place?"
"Yep, this is it," Albert replied.
Herman opens the door and made a suggestion, "What's the password, soldier?"
"Open Sesame," Albert replied.
"Yeah, right you are," Herman replied as he opened the door.
The three then went inside the store, where the three walk to the counter, Lincoln gazing around in awe.
"Wow. This is amazing," Lincoln said to himself.
Albert then suggested, " So Herman, has the large-type edition of this month's "Soldier of Fortune" come in yet?"
"Not yet," Herman replied, "But can I interest you in some authentic Nazi underpants?"
Albert then explained, "No! Actually we came over because I want you to meet my grandson, Lincoln."
Herman then changed his mind, "Oh, why hello, young American."
"Hello, sir. Er, Mr. Herman," Lincoln stuttered, "Did you lose your arm in the war?"
"My arm?" Herman started explaining, "Well, lemme put it this way. Next time your teacher tells you to keep your arm inside the bus window, you do it!"
"Yes, sir. I will," Lincoln said bravely.
"My grandson Lincoln's got a problem with a local young bully named Chandler," Albert explained to Herman, "I thought you could help him with some kind of strategy."
"Strategy. Hmm..." Herman thought to himself, "How many men do you have?"
"None," Lincoln replied.
"You'll need more. And you'll need to train them, hard!" Herman explained as he looks behind the counter, "Now, let's see. Ah, OK! The key to Royal Woods has always been Elm Street. The Greeks knew it. The Carthaginians knew it. Now you know it. First, you'll need a declaration of war. That way, everything you do will be nice and legal. OK, I can use this one from the Franco-Prussian War. I'll just change "Otto von Bismarck" to read "Lincoln Loud". And then..."
"Psst. Grampa, I think this guy's a little nuts," Lincoln whispered.
"Oh, yeah? Well, General George S. Patton was a little nuts, especially during the 1940s in World War II," Albert replied while Herman was writing on the paper, "And this guy is completely out of his mind! We can't fail!"
"I think I might have a plan after all!" Lincoln said bravely to the viewers.
At Royal Woods Elementary-Middle School, in Ms. Johnson's classroom, a note is being passed around.
"Psst. Pass it on," Mollie whispered as she gives the note to Clyde, who looks at the note. It reads: "If you hate and fear Chandler, meet at Lincoln's house in the backyard. 1500 hours (3:00 P.M.)."
Later, at the backyard of the house, where many children, Herman, and Albert are waiting for Lincoln to arrive and numerous children chatter.
"I wonder what we're doin' here anyway," Ronnie Anne commented.
"I wonder where my little pal Lincoln is," Albert said as he looks to his watch, "Plus, it's way past fifteen hundred hours."
Just then, Lincoln is entering, beaten up by Chandler yet again. Lincoln coughs out his hat and puts it on a peg. Lincoln goes in front of the crowd.
Once there, Lincoln then started speaking out, "Oh, we all know why we're here, right?"
"No, why?" Clyde asked nervously.
"To fight Chandler, the bully!" Lincoln demanded and children started chattering, "That guy's been tormenting all of us for years, and I, for one, am sick of it!"
"So what do you think is gonna happen?" Lola asked him.
"Yeah, we'd like to know, Lincoln," Lori added.
Lincoln then exclaimed to everybody, "Now, I say it is the time that we strike back against him and take back his ground! We promise you all victory! We promise you good times!"
Children cheer. Later on, in the woods, Lincoln began training his army.
Lincoln shouted out, "I got an A in arithmetic.
And the children shouted, I got an A in arithmetic.
Lincoln then shouted out, "Would've aced it, but I was sick.
And the children shouted, "Would've aced it, but I was sick.
For the next few hours, children were jumping to and from monkey bars. Clyde falls down, he gets up but a child knocks him over. In another area, Lincoln is training his army on the climbing frame. Next, running around dustbins, where a child falls into one and tips over. Later, they were training in the forest again.
Lincoln then shouted out, "We are rubber, you are glue.
And the children shouted, "We are rubber, you are glue."
Lincoln shouted out, "It bounces off us, and sticks to you."
And the children shouted, "It bounces off us, and sticks to you."
Lincoln shouted out, "Sound off!"
And the children shouted, "One, two!"
Lincoln shouted out, "Sound off!"
And the children shouted, "Three, four!"
Next, Lincoln was standing in a small pond, where children are hopping across a stone to get to the other side, but the stone is revealed to be a child's helmet. Later, children are walking along through mud, where Lincoln is watching. Lincoln has a blade of grass in his mouth, which he spits out. At sunset, Lincoln is still training his army on the climbing frame again.
Next day on Thursday, March 27, 1986, Lincoln is showing his army the design of the water balloon. The balloon pops in Lincoln's hand.
"Go!" Lincoln both barked out.
The army now has to pass a building with a guard dog in it, which is barking and growling.
Lincoln was talking to Tabby in a furious manner, "What's the matter with you, soldier?"
"It's my nerves, sir. I just can't stand the barking anymore," Tabby replied.
"Your nerves!" Lincoln yelled as he slaps Tabby and a tear drops from Tabby's eye, "Get back to work! I won't have cowards in my army!"
Suddenly, Albert slaps him and then explained, "Sorry about that, Lincoln. You can push them out of a plane, you can march them off a cliff, you can send them off to die on some godforsaken rock, but for some reason you can't slap them. Now apologize to that boy right now."
Lincoln then apologized, "Sorry, Tabby.
"It's cool, bro," Tabby replied.
Back to marching in the forest again.
Lincoln shouted out, "In English class, I did the best!"
And the children shouted, "In English class, I did the best!"
Lincoln shouted out, "Because I studied for the test!"
And the children shouted, "Because I studied for the test!"
Lincoln shouted out, "Sound off!"
And the children shouted, "One, two!"
Lincoln shouted out, "I can't hear you!"
And the children shouted, "Three, four!"
Later, with them at the pillow...
"All right! There's your enemy! Now hit him!" Lincoln yelled as children hit a pillow, "OK, next group! Martinez! Steinberg! O'Hara! Chang! Olajuwan! Herman!
Herman rips the pillow apart with a gun. Lincoln watches as Herman screamed and growled, "Die! Die!"
Back to marching in the forest.
Lincoln shouted out, "We are happy, we are merry!"
And the children shouted, "We are happy, we are merry!"
Lincoln shouted out, "We got a rhyming dictionary!"
And the children shouted, "We got a rhyming dictionary!"
Lincoln shouted out, "Sound off!"
And the children shouted, "One, two!"
Lincoln shouted out, "One more time!"
And the children shouted, "Three, four!"
Lincoln shouted out, "Bring it on home, now!"
And the children joined in, "One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four."
Later, at the backyard of the house where Albert, Herman, Clyde, Lori, Lola and Lincoln stand around a scale model of the site where the war begins, with salt and pepper shakers as the people.
"Chandler's at Gus' Games and Grub right now," Clyde replied.
Lincoln then explained, "All right. Intelligence indicates he shakes down kids for quarters at Games and Grub snack bar and arcade, then heads to Flip's Food and Fuel for a cherry Flipee."
"And that's where we'll hit him!" Herman exclaimed, "When he leaves the place, we start the saturation bombing. Got the water balloons?"
"200 rounds, sir!" Lincoln demanded as he holds up a water balloon, "Is it OK if they say "Happy Birthday" on the side?"
"I'd rather they say "Death From Above", but I guess we're stuck," Herman started explaining, "All right. The main force will be split into two groups. One will circle around this way to cut off the enemy's retreat and the other will drive in this way. Closing the trap. It's a classic pincer's movement. It can't fail against a 11-year old!"
"Chandler's at the arcade, General Lincoln," Mollie explained.
"Man your battle stations, everybody!" Lincoln screamed.
"I feel so alive!" Herman cheered.
Albert then thought to himself, "You know, some of us thought we were too old. We thought our times had passed. We thought we'd never hear the screams of pain or see the look of terror in a young man's eyes. Thank heaven for children!"
Later at Flip's Food and Fuel, where Lincoln is looking at Chandler and his goons.
"Hey, great Flippees," one of the goons commented.
"What flavor did you get?" another goon asked.
"Blue," another goon replied.
"Hey, you little bumsniffers. You're going to be sucking all your meals through straws if you don't shut your traps," Chandler said threateningly before Lincoln walks out of the bush which suddenly got his attention, "Well, lookie here. If it isn't that little twerp again, Little Lincoln Loud."
"Chandler, I'm afraid I'm going have to teach you a lesson," Lincoln said angrily to Chandler.
"Ha! Oh, yeah? You and what army?" Chandler growled.
Lincoln then whistes for his army plus Lori in her military outfit and Lola which immediately appears out of bushes, buildings, trees, vans, etc.
"Oh, God please help me!" Chandler said in fear.
"Artillery. Commence saturation bombing!" Lincoln yelled out in angry.
Once he commanded, children start throwing water balloons at Chandler and his weasels, shouting throughout. Lincoln's army chases the three through town, then past Franklin Avenue. Lynn Sr. goes out to see what is going on outside.
Lynn Sr. tried to yell out, "All right, you kids! Keep it down! Am I making myself..." suddenly, he is hit by a water balloon from his father-in-law Albert as he is looking down at the war through binoculars.
"He-he-he, got him!" Albert cheered.
"You! Up in the tree! Little boy. Get your butt down here right now!" Lynn Sr. screamed out before Albert hits him with a water balloon again. Lynn Sr. goes inside and another water balloon is thrown and hits the door.
Meanwhile, Chandler and his goons are trapped.
Several of the goons then begged them, "No, wait!/Don't hurt us!/We surrender!"We were only following orders!"
This makes the army throw the water balloons at only Chandler. Later, children cheer at the sight of Clyde pulling Chandler tied up in a red wagon. Winston then runs over to kiss Lola, and a photo is taken.
"Aww, thank you, Winston," Lola said happily as she kisses Winston, "I think we make a great couple! LolaxWinston!"
Cheering continues. Later, Lincoln goes over to Chandler who is still tied up in the wagon.
"Well, at least you learned your lesson, Chandler, so now I'll untie you," Lincoln explained.
"The second you untie me, I'm gonna beat you to death, twerp," Chandler growled.
But Lincoln then changed his mind, "Well, if that's gonna be your attitude, then I'm not gonna untie you."
"Ha! You're gonna have to sometime!" Chandler replied.
"Uh-oh. He's right," Lincoln thought to himself.
"Don't you worry, kiddo," Herman replied, "I was ready for this little eventuality."
Inside the Louds' house, Chandler is tied up on the couch, watching TV with Lynn Sr., Lori, Bobby, Lola and Lily. Lincoln, Herman and Albert are at a round table with a paper.
Herman explained what was on the paper, "Armistice Treaty, article four: Chandler is never again to raise his fists in anger. Article Five: Chandler recognizes Lincoln's right to exist. Article Six: Although Chandler shall have no official power he shall remain a figurehead of menace in the neighbourhood.
"Wow. It sounds good to me," Lincoln said happily, "OK, I'll sign."
Lynn Sr. then asked Chandler, "What about you, boy?"
"Yeah, Chandler, what about you?" Bobby added.
Chandler then gave in, "All right, I'll sign."
Rita then entered and said, "So, are you boys through playing war?"
"Yep," Lincoln replied.
"Yes, Mrs. Loud," Chandler replied, "We are done."
"Good," Rita responded happily, "Then here's some cupcakes for you boys."
"Oh, boy!" Lincoln cheered.
"Mmmm, cupcakes," Bobby exclaimed.
"Don't mind if I have one," Lori exclaimed.
With that, Albert, Lynn Sr., Rita, Lori, Bobby, Lincoln, Herman, Chandler, Lily and the rest of the family are all eating cupcakes together.
Later that night, Lori was sitting on Lincoln's bed with Lincoln and she was talking to the viewers, "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages. On the contrary to what you've just seen, war is not glamorous, nor is it fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are barely any good wars at all, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II and of course, the Star Wars trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there are lots of books in your library with cool, gory pictures. Well, good night, everybody. Peace, bro."
THE END of the chapter.