Clarisa James, a young woman of only 24, pulled out of the busy mall parking lot and sighed to herself. She hated the holidays with a sort of passion. Everyone was always so happy, spending all of their hard earned money on gifts that no one really wanted, and spending time with one another. She had to admit that she had once been one, and even went further. She used to volunteer as one of the many bell ringers, she would go down to the homeless shelter and help prepare the meals. She would also donate gifts to less fortunate children. That was all taken away from her two years ago when her fiancé, Jason, had been killed. She could remember everything that happened that day and it only seemed to intensify when the holidays came around.
As she looked back it seemed stupid to her. Her and Jason had gotten into another one of their little fights. Instead of ending in jokes of how stupid they were acting he had stormed out of the house, slamming the door behind him. She could remember standing there staring at the spot he had been standing just moments before, the sound of Elvis' Christmas song I'll Be Home For Christmas flowing through the speakers.
She couldn't remember exactly when the conversation had turned into an argument. They had been decorating their tree like they had the pervious year, and were talking about where they were going on Christmas Eve--his parents house or hers. It was stupid, but she refused to not be able to see her family on Christmas Eve. If they went to his families house they would have to spend the night since they lived so far away. Then, because of that they wouldn't have time to see her family the next morning. He held true to his own though, and felt the same about not seeing his family.
She heard his car door slam shut, and his car peel out of the driveway, then speed down the street. She sighed, and set down the ornament she was about to put on the tree. She turned off the radio, and turned on the T.V. Neither of them had meant anything that they had said, but they were both to stubborn to take it back right now. The Simpsons flashed across the screen and even though it was her favorite show on Fox, she couldn't focus on it. She began to feel more and more guilty as time passed on.
He was so sweet to her, always putting her needs before anyone else's in the world, including his own, and she was to selfish to let him have one thing that was important to him.
She walked to the kitchen, picked up the phone and dialed his cellphone number. The dial tone turned into a ring as she waited for him to pick up, but he didn't and she received his voice mail.
"Hi, this is Jason. I obviously don't know that you're calling me, or maybe im avoiding you. Hmmm, well leave a message and we'll find out. Thanks, bye."
"Hey hun, it's Claire I'm sorry. I was being stupid and if you want to, I don't have a problem with going to your parents' house. I just want you to come home, okay. I love you, bye."
She hung up the phone and placed it back on the receiver. Then, returned to the living room to finish picking up the leftover ornaments. Hopefully he would be home soon and she could tell him just how sorry she really was.
The hours passed by slowly and the longer it was taking for him to at least call her back was making her more and more anxious. She couldn't focus on anything she was doing. She burned her toast, let all of the water boil away for her hot chocolate, and even forgot what she was doing in her bedroom several times. Finally, she deiced to go to bed when it reached midnight. He was probably just being stubborn and stayed at one of their friends' houses.
She didn't sleep well that night and woke-up early the next morning, heading to work before she would have normally woken up. As she drove through the gridlocked streets she turned the radio from the news to the holiday station just in time to hear the last part of one of her many favorite Christmas songs.
Her work day went by as usual, although she did accomplish more than usual since she had arrived to work early and she was desperately trying to keep her mind off of her missing fiancé.
(Two Years Later, Present)
Pulling out of her little flashback, Clarisa turned off of the main road and down a side street that was on her way home. She pulled up to the next stop light and looked out the window. There was a house only a few meters away from where her car was sitting. When she looked closer she saw that a father and his two children were building a snowman in the front yard. She couldn't help but smile even in the mood she was in. That was what she had planned for her and Jason in a few years. She wanted a family and a cozy house like the one that was right in front of her. Now that Jason was gone she knew that could never happen. The light turned from red to green and she reluctantly pulled through the intersection and up to her driveway, half expecting to see the police cars sitting there just like they had been that night.
(Two years Earlier)
She pulled into her driveway later on that night and was met by two police cars. Her heart sank in her chest like a stone into a pond, and she immediately knew that something was wrong with Jason. She had sensed it all night and day, especially when their song had been playing all day and even now as she pulled into the driveway, but had kept telling herself she was being paranoid.
She left her car running and ran up the drive. When the first officer glanced in her direction and she could see the sadness in his eyes. It turned her heart to ice and she immediately felt the extent of the cold winter air.
"Are you Clarisa James, ma'am?"
He was a well built man in probably his early thirties but at the moment that didn't matter, she just wanted to know why they were there--even if it was bad news.
"Yes, I am is there something wrong?"she asked the question even though she already knew the answer.
"You're engaged to a Mr. Jason Jacobs, correct?"
By this time she had started to tremble uncontrollably and was about to collapse. She had been right all along that something was wrong with him. She just prayed that he was in jail and not the hospital, or worse.
"Yes, now will you please tell me what's wrong? Why are you here?"
She got more and more frantic and stressed as the cops exchanged nervous glances from one to another, but seemed to almost refuse to tell her what exactly was wrong. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity to her, the man that had perviously been talking to her took up the stage.
"Ma'am, there was an accident involving your fiancé and a drunk driver. We suspect that your fiancé was pulling through the intersection when the drunk driver ran the red light and hit him head on. When the authorities arrived your fiancé had somehow managed to pull the man out of his car but at a great cost to himself. He was suffering from internal bleeding and we lost him before we had reached the hospital. I'm sorry."
It was as if the world had suddenly stopped spinning and she was the only person left on the face of it. Falling to her knees she cradled her head in her hands and wept, the snow gracefully falling all around her.
She realized now that, that was the moment she stopped caring about what would happen to anyone else. Her family and friends had tried their best to comfort her but nothing they could do would ever really take away the pain. She took off of work for almost three months and her best friend, Kayleigh, who was also Jason's twin sister, stayed with her through it all. Now she was only a shell of the person she formally was but she was getting through her life.
Heading into the house she threw her keys down on the counter, and checked her messages. Kayleigh had called just to make sure she was okay, as well as a few other friends wondering what she was doing. Then there was one more message that seemed to be just static. Listening to it again she could tell that someone was trying to say something but it was impossible to tell what.
"Oh well they must have been on their cell going through a tunnel. They can call back if its important."
Reassuring herself she turned to the radio to fill the house with sound. That was the other thing she would never get used to, the house was always so quiet. Instantly though the house was filled with the sound of one of her favorite bands and she felt at least a little comfort. Turning it up she decided to take a quick shower and turn in early. She was singing along with one of the many songs that she had memorized when the station went fuzzy, as if someone was channel surfing. It would come in every few seconds, and then just as if they had suddenly found what they were looking for it stopped on a single station, but that wasn't what bothered her, it was the song. It was their song, Elvis' I'll Be Home For Christmas.
It had been playing when Jason finally got the guts to ask her out, when they shared their first kiss under the mistletoe, when he asked her to marry him, and then when they told their families the good news, but those were just the good memories. It had also been playing when they started their fight, when she had called him to apologize, and later when she pulled into the driveway and was told that he was gone.
She quickly finished her shower and turned off the radio as soon as she could, but the instant it was off the phone had began to ring.
"What now! You know what, they can leave a message."
She went about her normal routine after getting out of the shower still listening to the message as she went. It came through as the same static as last time, but how could that be? They had left that message nearly a hour ago but they were still in the tunnel. She listened for a few more seconds and slowly the message became clearer.
"Claire Bear, it's me Jason. Please pick up the phone. I need to talk to you tell you that im okay."
She seemed to be frozen to the spot where she stood when she could understand what they were saying to her. Throwing down her towel she rushed over and picked up the phone ready to take out all her anger on whoever could play such a cruel joke.
"Stop it! How can you do this to me! I don't know who you are but if you have any heart you wont call again, do you understand me!"
She waited for an answer but the only noise coming through on the other line was static then after a few seconds it disconnected, as if there had never been a call at all.
Who could do such a thing to anyone? It wasn't even right, and things were starting to scare her. Thinking fast she decided to call Kayleigh and ask her to stay the night even if it was just one. Kayleigh agreed without a second thought and about half an hour later the two friends were on the couch watching an extremely old christmas special and sipping hot chocolate, without any more strange things happening. They decided to go to bed a few hours later and Claire was more than grateful that Kayleigh was there with her.
"Thanks again, Kayleigh for coming over."
"It's no problem besides i wouldn't want to be all alone with all of this strange stuff happening to me."
Clarisa gave her a small smile before going to sleep herself.
She must have been dreaming, because that was the only explanation. It started out as close to normal as it was going to be. She was standing in a vast, stark white room. It didn't have any windows or doors, it just seemed to go on forever, and she was the only one in it. Not seeing anything else left for her to do she sat down on what she thought was the floor, waiting for herself to wake up, but there was much more in store for her that night.
She had been sitting there doing nothing for what seemed like forever in her dream like state, until there was suddenly a blinding white light. It caused her to close her eyes, shielding them from the extreme pureness of the light, and when she opened them again she couldn't believe what see saw. Standing in front of her, angel wings, halo, and all was Jason.
"Jason? Oh my goodness! Is that really you, or have i finally lost my mind?"
He gave her that genuine crooked smile and even laughed a little. Before reaching over for her hand. At first she was hesitant to take it but then she realized nothing was holding her back. Even if it was a dream she could at least be happy for those first few seconds she thinks that it's real.
He pulled her up as if she was as light as a feather and embraced her with all the same love and warmth that he had done before he left her. Everything was the same, apart from the newly added appendages, his smell, touch, feel, it was all just as she remembered it.
"You yelled at me on the phone you know?"
She immediately pulled back away from him to see that he still had that amused smile plastered on his face. He couldn't be serious, could he? Maybe she really was going crazy, it had to be the only plausible answer. His smile immediately faded when he saw the look she was giving him though.
"You don't think this is real, do you?"
"Please don't hate me. Its just how am I suppose to believe this? You've been gone for two years Jason my life has been so hard and now you suddenly visit me in a dream?"
"I know its not fair to you but I thought you were going to be okay. I was always watching over you and I realized that you were miserable. You used to be so kind so happy and full of life. For goodness sake, Claire you're only 24 I want to see a smile on your face again. I tried to tell you that i was okay but its rather hard to come back from the dead, you know?"
"Jason, you have no idea how much i wanted to smile, to have things back to the way they were, even to believe that it was you that was trying to give me sign but its impossible, I love you with all my heart and all I want is to be with you. Or at least have been able to tell you i was sorry. It weighed down on me all these years, the fact that it was my fault that you were gone."
He suddenly grabbed her around the waist and pulled her back to him, wrapping his wings around the both of them. He was trying to do anything he could to make her feel safe, to console her, like he wanted to all this time.
She sighed feeling secure in his embrace, even the way he hugged her was the same the way he could make all her troubles disappear without having to say anything just that one simple act calmed her.
"Claire, its isn't your fault. I never want you to think that it was your fault. You were the one that always said that everything happens for a reason and this wasn't an acceptation. I love you, and always will. I'll always be there to watch over you until we can be together again, but you have to understand that's not going to be for a long time."
She nestled her head into the crook of his neck trying desperately to not forget the smell of his cologne that even now lingered on him. It was a comfort to her and in actuality the only thing that kept her from breaking down in tears.
"Yes, Jason I understand, its just so hard."
He placed a comforting hand on her back while she sobbed silently into his chest but there wasn't much he could do to give her proof other than this. Then it hit him, if this didn't work than nothing would.
He pulled away from her just enough to get the space he needed to place his finger under her chin. She brought her gaze up and away from his shirt to look into his eyes and she could see the same light that had always been in them. It was that light that would never go out. She could feel herself start to smile and he returned it ten fold before leaning down and placing a kiss gently on her lips. It was sweet, and tender, holding nothing but love, and a passion that would never fade. Then, as soon as it had started it was over. They pulled apart and she stayed that way for a few moments before opening her eyes and meeting his.
"Claire, I have to go, but I want you to promise me that you're going to be happy. Go back to the way that you were before any of this happened. All i want is you to be the same girl i fell in love with way back in our Junior year in high school."
"Okay I promise and im sorry it took so long for me to believe."
He sighed and let her out of the embrace that they both wished could go on forever backing away slowly from her.
"I know, Claire. I know."
She watched silently as the tears rolled down her cheeks and his figure faded from her sight and was replaced by the familiar white light.
She bolted upright in her bed gasping for air and was immediately met by the overpowering sent of Jason's cologne. Kayliegh shot up beside her and started to choke on the smell as well. They rushed out of the room and Claire told her all about her dream. It was hard for both of them to believe but when they went back into the room and found a single white feather on Claire's pillow there was no denying it. It was at that moment that Claire remembered the one line from their song.
"I'll be home for Christmas, oh yes,
If only in my dreams."