Ch. 3: If love was easy, everybody'd do it
Walt pushed the door into the office, nearly dropping the bag in his hand. He was rescued by Ruby appearing, pulling the door all the way open, and relieving him of the drink holder in his hands.
"Walter, what's all this?"
He walked into the main office, scanning the room. He was the last one in, not that it was any surprise. One didn't simply run in and out of the Busy Bee on a weekday morning at the height of the small café's breakfast rush.
"Breakfast."
She smiled at the answer that he supplied as Walt set the bag down on her desk, near where she set the drink holder. The smells coming from the bag and the cups were competing, the coffee just edging out the food.
Walt glanced down at the cups and pulled one free. He offered it to Ruby.
"For you."
She took it with a look of mild surprise.
"Thank you, Walter. That was thoughtful."
Collecting the drink carrier and the bag, he walked to Vic's desk and plopped them down again. She was working with papers and a highlighter. When he set down his breakfast offerings, it clearly interrupted her. She slid her papers out of the way and dropped her highlighter on the desk, leaning back and looking up at him.
Ferg was on his feet and curious. Walt took another cup from the holder and set it on the part of Ferg's desk that met Vic's.
"Ferg."
Ferg grinned at him.
"Thanks."
The third cup he passed off to Zach, who retreated to his small desk.
The last one he set in front of Vic and gave her a quick look. Their eyes collided and she smiled slightly, but not overly so.
"Thank you."
He simply nodded in response. He tossed the carboard holder into the trash and waved at the bag.
"Breakfast sandwiches. I told Dorothy to mix it up, so…"
His voice trailed off. Ferg and Zach dug into the bag. Walt cleared his throat.
"There's also cream and sugar."
Ferg raised his eyes holding up a packet of sugar and directing his attention to Vic.
"You need some?"
She took a careful sip of her coffee and shook her head, careful not to look at Walt.
"No. I'm good."
If there was anything he knew about her, it was how she liked her coffee.
Ferg nodded and dropped the sugar back into the bag, his eyes focused.
"You want sausage, bacon, egg and cheese?"
Vic shrugged as Ferg rifled through the bag.
"Surprise me."
He pulled out a wrapped up package and tossed it to her. Vic caught it and started to unwrap the sandwich. Walt left them to it and disappeared into his office, his head down and his face slightly obscured by the hat he still wore.
Walt entered his office and pushed the door partially closed. From his seat, he could hear the sounds of his staff talking, some laughing, the crinkle of paper. It was a welcome sound after the stress that pushed down on them for so long. It was difficult to conjure up a time recently when they all seemed so relaxed.
Him included.
It was a nice change from the tension and stress that seemed to permeate the office longer than he cared to remember. He knew that was partially his own fault. At the end of the day, he was the leader here and that meant he set the tone. He could accept his responsibility in the less than stellar morale. Thankfully, that seemed to be shifting.
Once upon a time, Durant seemed like such a simple place. Not that they didn't have crime. They did. But, for a while, the remoteness of the area seemed to act as a border of sorts. Armor. Keeping out the drugs and violence that riddled larger cities.
That wasn't true anymore.
While he was sad to see the Wyoming he once knew dissolve, he also knew that it was important to keep up with what was happening in the present. The likes of Shane Muldoon and Malachi Strand weren't welcome in his county. Now, they were gone. It gave him promise and a new hope that maybe they were on the cusp of more peaceful times.
Getting back to that small town feel.
More importantly, it felt like the turning of a page.
Not just for Durant. Or the Sheriff's Department. Also, on a personal level. That was what he couldn't shake. The feeling that his time was up and it was the right moment to move on both professionally and personally.
It wasn't an idea that came to him easily. So much of his life was defined by this job, by this place. That was part of the problem, though. He existed before this job. He would exist after it. The challenge now was to define who that man would be now that so much was behind him.
He was acutely aware of Vic's concern for him. She hadn't exactly kept it a secret. He understood the fear and what it was rooted in. In the beginning, he didn't. Or, he hadn't wanted to. But, now that he gave it some real thought, he got it. She had suffered a hard loss recently. Not unlike his own. He was on the far side of losing Martha. He could see now that life went on whether you wanted it to or not. As unfair as it seemed, the sun still rose and set every day.
The way he saw it, you had two choices. You could stay mired in your grief. He was guilty of that for a long time. Longer than he cared to admit now that he seemed to be emerging from it more and more. Or, you could get on with the business of living.
That was what he wanted at this point in his life. He wanted to live. Not just exist. But, really live in a way he hadn't for quite some time. And, he didn't want it to be alone either. The picture of what he wanted his life to be was coming into sharp focus, a signal being honed by some unseen hand.
Lucian's death was still fresh in his mind, still painful in his heart. There was a lesson to be learned there. Lucian lingered longer than he should have. He lost his identity to this job and allowed it to define who he was, his life. Walt was incredibly proud of his time as Sheriff. It wasn't an easy job, but he persevered.
He didn't want this job to be who he was. Not really. He didn't want to do it for the rest of his life, or until he wasn't able to do it anymore. By the time, he reached that point, if he lived through it all, what would he have to show?
Before Martha died, they had plans. They talked about a time when he would retire and they would be free to live a life they wanted without any threats or barriers. Then, she was gone and he lost the desire to do more than exist.
Now, he felt that feeling coming back. He found himself looking forward to the next day in a way he hadn't thought was still possible. He knew what he needed to do. He only needed the courage to take the final step. There was a peace in him now he never felt before. Not like this.
Cady told him once to leave on his own terms.
That was what he intended to do.
xxx
It was another quiet day.
A blessing and a curse.
Considering everything, a little calm was not a bad thing at all. It gave them a chance to rest and regroup. But, there was only so much paperwork to go around in such a small department and too much quiet could feel claustrophobic.
That was the way of it.
Feast or famine.
Vic sat at her desk, looking out the window. The morning was gone and the afternoon was crawling by. She could hear Ruby typing away at her desk. Ferg and Zach were both gone, taking the lone call of the morning. Vic nearly popped up when Ruby asked who wanted it. But, she ceded to the fact that Zach needed the experience. Even with his previous tenure, he was the greenest of them all.
So, she sat. That was something that she wasn't ever good at. Vic looked at the time on her phone and pushed out a sigh. Her eyes drifted back to the window. It was after lunch, so the sidewalk beneath her window wasn't all that busy. A few cars passed by, most going faster than they should.
Vic finally stood up and stretched her arms up over her head, easing up the tight muscles in her back. Grabbing her Flyers mug, she wandered over to the water cooler, filled it, then drank the water in a few swallows. Setting the mug back in its place on her desk, she looked towards Walt's office.
He was in, but quiet.
Just like he was all morning.
It wasn't all that unusual for Walt to be quiet. But, this silence felt different than his usual lack of anything to say. It gave her an uneasy feeling. She didn't like that. She felt it too often these days, her time with Walt included.
His door wasn't closed all the way, more just pushed so that it was still ajar. She crossed the floor, raised her hand, and tapped on the wooden surface before pushing the door open just like she always did.
He glanced up as she lingered in the threshold,
"Busy?"
Based on the papers and files that were littering his desk, the answer seemed obvious. It took him longer to answer than it should have, which did nothing to quell the discourse that was hiding inside of her.
"Need something?"
She looked at him as several seconds passed them by before she offered up any kind of an answer.
"You mean other than to not die of boredom?"
Shuffling into his office, she hovered just behind a chair that sat across from his desk.
"Slow day."
"Yeah, it is. What're you working on?"
His expression was non-committal.
"Just catching up."
She nodded slowly.
"Right."
Another bout of quiet stretched out around and between them. Vic shifted on her feet. Walt looked away, then back to her as though a thought just popped in on him suddenly.
"Why don't you go?"
Her brow furrowed.
"Go where?"
"For the day. You're right. It's slow. Take the afternoon off."
The offer seemed out of left field. Not that she was opposed to some time off. But, she didn't have any idea what she would do with it. Her social life wasn't much to comment on outside of Walt and her RV held little to do on a sunny, summer afternoon.
"Um…"
She stalled out, unsure of how to respond. Walt cocked his head slightly.
"Bad idea?"
Vic shook her head.
"No…it's just…"
She wasn't sure where she was going with this conversation. Or, if she was going anywhere at all. Not for the first time lately, she felt untethered.
"Do you want to get an early dinner?"
She wasn't sure why she asked him that. It wasn't quite dinner time yet. Not even for an early one. Still, there was something about him that was bothering her. It almost felt like he was sending her away. She didn't like the way it made her feel. Disconnected.
Walt's eyes left hers and dropped to his messy desk.
"I would. But…"
He lifted his hand and gestured over the work that was waiting for his attention. Vic bit her lip
"Right."
He leaned back in his chair, seemingly done. Although with what, she couldn't say.
"O…Okay. I'll…take you up on your offer. So…I'll see you later?"
She hated the way it came out as a question. She hated this new uncertainty that seemed to plague her.
"Sure."
His answer didn't sound all that sure.
With nothing else to do, she left his office with a shake of her head. She mumbled something to Ruby about leaving, grabbed her keys and her laptop bag, and left, taking the stairs faster than normal.
He wouldn't change his mind.
Not after all of this.
Vic tried to force out the thoughts as she took a seat behind the wheel of her truck and pulled out with no real destination in her mind.
Not after what she said.
Maybe that was the problem. Could she have unloaded too much on him? That didn't seem possible since Walt was the one who was gently prodding her one step at a time. Still, since then, he seemed distant.
Like he was pulling away
Vic swallowed and cursed herself.
This was Walt.
He wasn't like other men. That's what she told herself, at least.
Automatically, Vic drove herself home first. There really wasn't anything to do there. But, she wanted to change her clothes if nothing else. She parked and made quick work of shedding her uniform, swapping it out for a pair of non-work jeans and a sleeveless shirt. The weather was still warm, but fall would beckon them soon enough.
Milling around for a few minutes, Vic felt restless and grabbed her keys. On the road again, she went to the Red Pony for lack of anything else to do. At this off time between lunch and dinner, the bar was mostly empty with only a smattering of patrons whom she paid little attention to as she took a seat at the bar.
Henry offered her a friendly smile as he came over.
"Off today?"
Vic smiled in return. Henry's face was healing.
"I am now. Slow day."
"Ah. Beer?"
Vic leaned on the counter a little with a nod.
"Yeah."
He pulled out a bottle, removed the cap, and set it in front of her.
"Hungry?"
Vic shrugged.
"Little early for dinner."
Henry considered her.
"We serve food all day."
Vic smiled at his response.
"Okay, you talked me into it. What's good?"
"Everything."
Vic shook her head, her smile widening.
"Fair enough. How about a…BLT?"
He nodded.
"Coming up."
Leaving her with her beer, Henry disappeared into the kitchen. Vic took a long drink from her bottle, her eyes scanning the bar around her. She didn't really recognize anyone. Tapping one finger on the glass bottle, she turned her eyes back behind the bar. Her mind kept trying to stray back to Walt and his odd behavior. Vic fought the urge, not wanting to dwell on that particular subject.
Thankfully, Henry emerged from the kitchen carrying a plate, which he set in front of her. Vic slid it more into place.
"Thanks."
"You are welcome."
While she started to eat, Henry set about organizing glasses behind the bar and wiping down portions of the counter around her.
Vic watched him while she chewed.
"How are you feeling?"
Henry glanced over at her.
"Better."
He studied her with a perception that rattled her.
"How are you?"
Vic shrugged.
"Okay."
Henry set down the glass in his hand and turned it just so, his dark eyes lifting to her.
"You pushed Walt from in front of Malachi's car."
Vic paused in her eating.
"Yeah."
"He told me you saved his life the night that you were shot as well."
Vic swallowed, her eyes shifting away. Her hand closed around her bottle.
"What can I say? Keeping him alive is a full time job."
Henry's mouth quirked into a barely perceptible smile.
"Yes."
His eyes lingered on her for another minute before Vic felt movement beside her. Glancing over, she felt her stomach clench and her appetite abandon her when she saw Travis lowering himself on the stool beside her.
"Hey, Vic."
He glanced at Henry and ordered a beer which appeared in short order. Henry gave her a look before he moved away. Vic looked down and picked at the crust of her sandwich.
"What are you doin' here?"
Vic sighed.
"Eating."
He nodded, leaning too far into her personal space.
"I was riding by and saw your truck."
Vic didn't reply. She drained the last of her beer and pushed the bottle away. Travis smiled.
"Let me buy you another one."
Vic shook her head, also sliding the plate away.
"No thanks. I'm done."
He frowned.
"C'mon, Vic. Let me buy you a drink."
She stood.
"I'm good. Thanks."
She was on her feet when his expression morphed into a scowl.
"What is your problem lately?"
He said it loud enough to jangle her nerves. Henry looked up, his eyes catching hers and holding them. He looked like he was on the verge of walking over. Vic dropped her eyes from his, gave Travis a look and nearly replied before catching herself. Merely shaking her head, she left and pushed through the saloon doors.
xxx
She didn't answer her phone.
Walt sighed and hung up, sitting the phone back into the cradle. Reaching up, he ran his hand along his jaw, his eyes on his closed office door. He closed it earlier after he heard Vic leave for the day.
Now, some time had passed and it was getting late. As far as he knew, everyone else was gone and he was alone. Ruby was the only one who popped her head in to tell him that she was leaving. It was the lack of activity that told him he was alone. No chatter. No movement. No phones.
He was ready to leave, feeling settled for the day. As caught up as he could be all things considered. When he picked up the phone and dialed her number, he expected to hear her familiar voice speaking directly to him. Not her voicemail.
He didn't leave a message.
He didn't really have a message to leave.
She would see the missed call.
Walt pushed up from his desk and set his hat on his head. Making his way through the deserted office, he locked up and walked out to the sidewalk. He paused to look up. The sun was still visible, but it's journey across the sky was nearly complete for the day.
He started driving with the intention of going home. Vic still hadn't called him back. He wanted to talk to her. He needed to talk to her was more like it. There was so much swimming around inside of his head. He wanted to share it with her. He wanted to tell her about his decision. See her reaction. Get her opinion.
Her confession the night before startled him. Not the words themselves. The fact that she said them out loud to him. It was a vulnerability that surprised him. But, that was how she was these days. He didn't doubt her feelings. There was no reason for him to. He knew that she was trying to reconcile the two sides of her heart into one that functioned.
The side that was still shattered by her recent loss. A loss that was partially brought about by her own actions. He witnessed first hand the effect on her and it scared him. More than any foe he ever faced. The battle that she was waging within her own mind frightened him. Her stark confession that she nearly took her own life wasn't something he expected. He remembered the way his heart pounded as she related the story to him, almost detached as though she watched it happen to someone else.
The other side was the one he saw more recently. The part that was trying to recover some semblance of normalcy. The part inside herself that wanted to open up to him in spite of everything that was happening around her. The part that gave her the courage to tell him that she loved him.
It was that courage he saw in her that gave him the final push to do what needed to be done.
He was so lost in his own thoughts, he didn't realize he was driving to her trailer park until he was almost there. Walt slowed as he made the familiar turn and coasted through the place. Her RV came into sight and he stopped just before he turned in.
Her truck was parked out front. All the lights inside appeared to be off. Walt looked at the clock on his dash. It was awfully early for her to be in bed already. He almost kept driving. He nearly pressed the gas and drove on. Something in his gut stopped him. Pulling in, he parked and slid from the Bronco, careful not to slam the door.
He gave her truck a long look as he walked around it. Nothing seemed amiss.
Walt approached the door, taking one last look around before he reached it. Raising his hand, he knocked. Looking at the door, he waited. In the not too far distance, he could hear people talking. He heard the rumble of a motorcycle, a door open and close, a dog barking. Vic's trailer was quiet.
Maybe she was asleep.
Walt looked down, listening.
Lifting his hand, he knocked again.
Another bout of silence unraveled around him.
He waited, the same background noise finding him.
Worry started to pull at him. He tried to brush it off. It was entirely possible that she wasn't home. Maybe she went out with a friend. Walt shook his head. That scenario simply didn't fit with the Vic of the moment. He took a step back and started for the Bronco when he heard movement from inside. Stopping, he turned back to the door.
The door opened to reveal Vic squinting in the still existent sunlight. She shielded her eyes with her hand and peered down at him.
"Walt?"
Walt pushed up the brim of his hat and took her in. She was wearing thin cotton pants and a tank top. In all honesty, she looked dressed for bed standing there in her bare feet.
"Did I wake you?"
Vic dropped her hand and shook her head.
"No."
That would mean she was lying or she was simply sitting in the dark. Neither of those felt particularly comforting.
Vic stayed where she was in the doorway. Walt tilted his head back.
"Can I come in?"
There was a brief moment when he actually thought she was going to say no. Thankfully, she nodded and stepped back in order to give him room.
"Yeah."
Walt took the metal steps up into the RV and removed his hat, glancing around. She stood in the narrow space with her arms folded over her chest. Something about the moment made her seem much smaller than usual.
Walt eyed her, concern creeping back in.
"Everything okay?"
Her expression was wary. Of what, he couldn't say. Him? That didn't really make sense.
"Yeah."
It crossed his mind that all of her answers were limited to one word. The thought only stoked his worry.
"You sure?"
She shifted on her feet, moving slightly to one side and back.
"Was there something you wanted?"
The bluntness of her question caught him off guard.
"I called you."
Vic looked around, her phone not in sight.
"I…turned my phone off. Is something wrong?"
It was the most she had said since appearing in the doorway.
"I wanted to talk to you."
The unease that he was seeing in her left him feeling his own brand of it. This was new. At least, since the shift in their relationship. She seemed guarded and closed off. He didn't like the way it made him feel.
"About?"
The question was almost sharp, but her eyes were dull.
Walt frowned.
"Vic, are you sure there's nothing wrong?"
Her patience with his prodding was deteriorating. It was clear on her face.
"What do you want to talk about?"
He considered pushing the issue, but opted to move on before her temper flared and she shut him down completely.
"I…"
He started to explain his visit, but was unsure of how he should proceed. He hadn't expected her to be like this. He wasn't entirely sure what this was. It threw him. Walt's eyes moved to her couch.
"Can we sit?"
Vic lowered her face and some of her hair fell down around it. When she lifted it again, there was something new in her expression he hadn't noticed before. Fear? Maybe? Whatever it was, it didn't quell the worry that circulated through him.
"Just say what you came to say?"
Defensive. That one he knew, but he didn't understand the root of it. He tried to reset.
"Vic, what's going on?"
He reached out to touch the bare, upper part of her arm. But, she dipped her shoulder and avoided his touch. Her head tilted to one side as her eyes gained an intensity that gave him the urge to back up. He didn't.
It evolved into a short, silent standoff that was only broken when Walt raised his hands slightly, as if surrendering.
"Vic."
He said her name carefully.
"You seem…angry with me. I don't know why. Could you tell me? Please?"
The words came out cautiously. Something in the stiffness of her posture gave in and her shoulders slumped slightly. She lowered her face and lifted both hands to rub over it. She seemed tired. Dropping her hands, she raised her eyes back to his.
"I'm sorry. What do you want to talk about?"
He gestured at the couch, trying again.
"Let's sit."
Vic's eyes wandered over to the couch before moving back to his face and settling there.
"If you're here to end this, I'd rather not."
It felt like the earth stopped turning on its axis, his stomach lurching.
"What?"
That was the only response he could muster. Her throat moved with a swallow.
"Is that why you're here?"
Walt shook his head, still trying to regain some traction. Leave it to Vic to fully derail him.
"No. Why would…why would you ask me that?"
She shrugged, still not seeming convinced.
"So…what is it?"
He reached out again and brushed his fingers along her arm lightly.
"C'mere."
This time, she allowed his fingers to close around her arm and pull her gently in his direction. Walt sat down, his hand slipping down her arm to her wrist. Relenting, Vic took a seat beside him. Walt turned to face her, his hand leaving her wrist and moving to her thigh. Keeping the physical connection between them felt important to him.
"What brought this on?"
The question was gentle, but insistent.
She sighed and looked around the small space that she called home.
"You've been…distant today. It felt like you didn't want me around. I thought that maybe…last night…what I said…freaked you out."
Walt bowed his head slightly.
"I didn't realize I was being distant. I've had some things on my mind. That's all."
Her eyes returned to his.
"Work or personal?"
"Both."
Vic shook her head and breathed out a laugh that held no humor at all.
"Jesus, I'm being stupid and wishy washy. I'm sorry."
Walt shook his head, dismissing her apology.
"Don't apologize. Tell me honestly, are you okay? You're…worrying me."
She cleared her throat.
"Yeah, I'm okay."
"You're sure?"
Vic nodded.
"Yeah. What did you want to talk to me about?"
The questioned sounded less terse than before. Gentler.
"Vic, if this is a bad time…"
She cut in.
"It's not. I just…I hate being insecure like this. I don't…even know where it's coming from."
His fingers moved lightly over her thigh.
"You've suffered some pretty severe trauma, Vic. There are bound to be…effects from that. It's nothing to be ashamed of."
Vic took a breath.
"So…what's up?"
Walt shifted in his seat and pulled his hand away from her thigh. He wasn't sure where or how to start this conversation, so he opted to just dive in and deal with her questions as they came.
"I'm thinking about retiring."
He just tossed it out. Vic stared at him, her eyes wide.
"Retiring?"
She said the word carefully, trying to wrap her mind around it. Walt nodded.
"Yep."
"Well, that's…not what I was expecting."
Walt smiled slightly at the change in her mood.
"This is something I've been thinking about for a while. During the civil suit, I brought it up to Cady. Just…retiring. She said that if it was what I wanted, to do it. But, not to let them push me out. To leave on my own terms."
He paused and Vic nodded slightly as she tried to follow his train of thought.
"The trial is over. Shane Muldoon is gone. Malachi Strand is dead. Henry will likely be taking over the casino. It feels like the right time to step away."
Her eyes were focused intently on his.
"You've really thought about this?"
"Yes, I have."
He hoped he was projecting confidence.
Walt looked down and took a breath.
"Before he died, Lucian told me that he stayed on the job too long. He lost who he was to this badge. In the end, that was all he had. I don't want that to be me. I don't want to wind up a lonely old man with only his liquor and his stories to keep him company. I never intended to do this job forever."
There were questions all over her face as she took in his words.
"It sounds like you've already made your decision. Why did you want to talk to me about it?"
"I wanted you to know before anything is official. I want to know where your head is?"
She smiled ruefully.
"These days? Who the hell knows? So…if you aren't Sheriff, who is?"
"Whoever runs and win."
"How exactly will that work?"
Walt cleared his throat as they shifted gears.
"I can either finish my current term and let the regular election play out as scheduled. Or, I can retire early. In that case, the county will call a special election to fill the office. It will take some time. But, it'll be faster than serving out the rest of my term."
"You'll stay on until the next Sheriff takes office?"
Walt nodded slowly. There was also the option of naming an interim Sheriff. He didn't want to take that route. He wanted this to play out in a manner that would prevent questions down the road.
"Yes. That will make the transition run smoothly."
She studied him before she spoke again.
"You want to leave before your term is up."
It was more of a statement than a question. He hadn't actually told her. Vic tended to be perceptive like that, though.
"Yep."
He didn't want to waste any more time.
"Do you have any idea who might run? Ferg isn't ready. Neither is Zach."
She didn't mention running herself. That didn't surprise him. He knew that while she was qualified for the job, she wasn't in a good place mentally to run a campaign or deal with the scrutiny that came with small town politics. That would only invite questions she wasn't prepared to answer. Or, simply didn't want to.
"I take it you're not interested in the job."
Her answer was an eye roll.
"These people…"
She waved her hand indicating the populace of Durant.
…will never vote for me to be Sheriff. Not unless I was the only option. To them, I'll always be an outsider. Besides, I've seen the bullshit that you wade through on a daily basis. No thanks."
He smiled. It was the answer he expected when he broached the topic. She was every inch a cop. But, she lacked the social discipline that was needed to deal with the Mayor and other government offices. She would loathe sitting through meetings or dealing with budgets.
Bullshit as she called it. However, it was a necessary part of the job.
Walt ran his palms over his jeans. Vic was still looking at him, her eyes more curious now than anything.
"Are you sure about this?"
He smiled.
"No."
She breathed out a quiet laugh.
"I know the feeling. When do you plan to make this official?"
"Soon."
"You're being cryptic."
It wasn't an admonishment as much as it was a statement.
"Just trying to think everything through. Work out all the details."
She considered him as he slowly stood up, feeling that the conversation had run its course.
"Can I ask you something?"
Her head was tilted back as she looked up at him from where she was still sitting.
"Sure."
"Is this really what you want or…is this because of me?"
He didn't hesitate.
"Both."
Vic rose from her seat.
"If you do this, it needs to be what you want."
Walt stepped up in front of her and placed his hands on her shoulders.
"It will be."
Leaning forward, he pressed his mouth to her forehead before stepping back.
"I should go."
Vic cocked her head.
"You can stay if you want."
That slight smile pulled at him again.
"Probably not a good idea for my truck to be parked here all night."
"Yeah, probably."
Walt placed his hand under her chin to lift it, making her mouth more accessible. Pressing his lips to hers, he gave her a lingering kiss. Her eyes stayed closed for a moment as they separated and he took the opportunity to look at her.
Vic's eyes opened slowly and she gave him a soft smile.
"Kinda sucks that you're leaving after that."
He laughed quietly and put more distance in between them.
"I'll see you tomorrow."
Vic nodded.
"Night."
xxx
She felt drained after he left for more reasons than just one.
She was irritated with herself for allowing her fears to take control and overcome the more rational portions of her brain. It felt like she couldn't trust herself anymore. Too many bad choices that blew up in her face.
But, this was good.
That was what she kept telling herself.
It could also blow up in her face spectacularly.
Her feelings for Walt ran deep. She could acknowledge that she was in love with him. Whether or not it was sustainable remained to be seen. He seemed more than willing to go on this journey with her. Despite what he told her, he didn't seem to harbor the same doubts that she did. He gave her far too much credit. She was way too good at fucking things up.
Her recent predicaments were proof of that.
She was doing it again.
If she thought about it in too big of terms, it could overwhelm her quickly.
They hadn't even attempted to give this name. Not that she knew what kind of label to assign it. Dating seemed inadequate. There were no dates. It was more than that. Sure as hell more complicated. Dating implied going out and getting to know each other. They were beyond that. They already knew each other better than most people. Hell, sometimes she felt like she knew Walt better than she ever knew Sean. Also, they didn't go out. There hadn't been many discussions about not telling people just yet, but it seemed like an obvious choice. There were so many potential complications with what they were and who they were. It just seemed easier to keep this private for the time being.
Relationship. It was an accurate description. They definitely had one of those. Again, that came with all manner of implications and expectations. Ideas she simply wasn't ready for. Not just yet. It certainly made for odd circumstances. She was usually such a take charge person when it came to matters of romance and sex.
She didn't really care for the word sex as far as it related to them. They were having sex. But, that word also seemed like it failed to capture the depth of what was between them. She'd had plenty of sex in her day, and it never felt as connected as when she was with Walt. Each time felt like she was being fully exposed and left entirely vulnerable.
It was equal parts the ultimate adrenaline rush and the most terrifying thing she experienced to date in her personal life. To his credit, Walt never flinched. Whatever she saw in herself that brought about the loathing she sometimes harbored for her own mind, he seemed to be at the opposite end of the spectrum.
She wondered if that would wear off at some point.
Would he simply get tired of her insecurities? Or, could he possibly help her exorcise them altogether?
So far, she wasn't using any labels. In her presence, Walt hadn't named it either.
What did it matter anyway?
That stuff was for society more than anything else. Being married didn't make you love a person more. It was a legally binding piece of paper that could be undone just as easily as it was created. She knew that from her own divorce. Declaring your feelings publicly was all well and good, but it didn't make the emotions any more real. It simply made them known.
The truth was that she and Sean did everything that people expected of them. Got engaged. Planned a wedding. Got married. What did they have to show for it when all was said and done?
Absolutely nothing.
In the end, it hadn't been enough to save the marriage.
Lessons learned the hard way.
She could write an autobiography and that would be a good title for it. Was she really learning lessons in all of this?
She liked to think that she was.
She liked to think that the reason she felt so uneasy with herself was because she was changing and didn't necessarily recognize herself anymore. It wasn't like anything she experienced before. So, she couldn't say that for sure.
Right now, all she knew to do was put one foot in front of the other and take each day as it came. Looking too far into the future left her feeling wary and disoriented. Right now, it was simply too much. Walt telling her about his possible pending retirement felt like he was planning for the future.
That was fine for him.
She simply wasn't sure she was up to it just yet.
xxx
"Beer?"
Walt took a seat at the bar of the Red Pony as Henry came over with a smile.
"Yep."
Henry set a can of Ranier in front of him, waiting as he took a long drink. Once the can was back on the bar, Henry spoke.
"You look like someone who has had a long day."
"You could say that."
"Is it work related? Seems to be going around?"
Walt leaned in.
"What do you mean?"
Henry tossed the towel in his hands over his shoulder.
"Vic was in earlier."
"She say something about work?"
Henry shook his head.
"No, only that it was slow. She seemed okay until Travis came in."
Walt felt something in his brain click into place.
"Travis Murphy?"
"Yes. She left and it upset him."
"They have words?"
Henry's expression was somber.
"There was a short exchange. She left almost immediately after he came in."
That would explain a lot. He knew that she was still struggling with the fallout of losing her baby. Seeing Travis would have brought that to the forefront along with the guilt she seemed to feel in regards to her treatment of the man after the fact. She had mentioned seeing Travis at the trailer park and told him how much it bothered her.
He could feel Henry's dark eyes on him.
"There is something going on there."
Walt tipped his beer up for another drink, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand when he lowered the can.
"Yep."
He didn't elaborate and Henry didn't question him further. It wasn't his place to tell anyone the details of Vic's personal life. He only told Henry about the pregnancy because getting her in the race necessitated it. It probably didn't matter. Henry was smart enough to piece the puzzle together without his help. That seemed to be exactly what he was doing.
"How is she?"
Walt turned the can around, the bottom scraping over the bar.
"She's…trying."
He didn't know what else to say.
"With your help."
Walt looked up sharply.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Henry held up his hands.
"You came to me about getting her in the race. Obviously, you are trying to help her overcome this."
Walt finished off his beer.
"Right."
Henry was watching him with a look that was all too familiar. He knew Walt better than just about anyone.
"Is there more?"
Walt's hand was still on his can, the aluminum cold on his skin.
"What do you mean?"
Henry sighed with an impatience that was familiar.
"Walt, I am not blind. Even if I was, I would be able to see that you care for her."
Walt didn't reply. Naturally, that only encouraged Henry.
"Are the two of you involved?"
Based on Henry's reaction, Walt figured the expression on his face must have answered the question for him.
"Do you think that is wise?"
He looked at Henry and pushed his can away.
"I don't know if it's wise, Henry. I do know that I want to be with her. And, I'm tired of putting my own needs aside."
"Is it serious?"
Walt ran his fingers over the bar.
"I don't have answers for you. We're still working on finding answers ourselves. That's why I haven't said anything."
Henry nodded.
"How long?"
Walt considered Henry's question.
"The other night at the old sawmill."
He could see that Henry wanted to question him more. But, he let it go. He kept the information about his possible retirement to himself. Sitting at the bar didn't seem like the best time to get into it.
"There is much about your life that is changing."
True enough.
"Yep. I'll tell you all about it."
He stood up and placed his hat on his head.
"Another time. Thanks for the beer."
Henry nodded, a tight smile on his face as Walt pushed his way through the bar and out the door.