This piece of utter insanity came to me in 30 minutes flat several months ago. I always thought Hagen reminded me of someone, but it took forever to connect. I just haven't had time or mood to write the story down yet. I have to be in just the right frame of mind to write utter off-the-wallness. Enjoy!
Title: Case 1234
Rating: T
Disclaimer: All disclaimers will appear at the end. I want to let you just enjoy any surprises on the way through.
Summary: This is case number 1234 in the matter of Hagen vs. Duquesne.
Scene 1:
Setting: A courtroom. The spectators murmur in excited anticipation. The parties involved come forward and are sworn in. A door at the front opens, and a respectful hush falls over the crowd as the judge enters. The bailiff's voice rings out a stern imperative.
Byrd: "All rise! Quiet in the courtroom, please. All rise." (Turns to the judge.) "Your honor, this is case number 1234 in the matter of Hagen vs. Duquesne. All parties have been sworn in. You may be seated. Sir, have a seat."
Judge Judy: "Thank you, Byrd."
Byrd: "You're welcome, Judge."
Judge Judy: "Mr. Hagen, you had a relationship with Ms. Duquesne several months ago. In the course of this relationship, you claim that you presented her with a ring which, to your understanding, was an engagement ring. Since your relationship has broken off, you want this ring returned. Also, you claim that you made her a loan which was never repaid, and you want the money back. You are also suing for stress, emotional damage, and other such nonsense to bring your claim to the allowed maximum in this jurisdiction of $5000."
Hagen: "It isn't nonsense, Your Honor."
Judge Judy: "Trust me, it's nonsense. You don't sit here as many years as I have reading complaints without being able to pick out padding from legitimate claims very quickly. I'll hear you on the ring and the loan, but the emotional damages are nonsense. Every other person in society these days feels entitled to emotional damages. Baloney." (Turning to the defendant.) "You, Ms. Duquesne, admit that you accepted the ring from Mr. Hagen but deny that it was an engagement ring. You say it was a gift. You also deny that any money received was a loan but say that it was simply, to quote your answer, 'him contributing toward something for once,' and claim that you, in fact, paid for far more during your relationship than he did. You, however, are not countersuing, correct?"
Calleigh: "Right. I was stupid. Stupidity has a price."
Judge Judy: "I'm impressed. Not enough people realize that. Okay, sir, when did your relationship with Ms. Duquesne begin?"
Hagen: "We had worked together for a few years. We became a couple about a year ago."
Judge Judy: "And how long did this relationship last?"
Hagen: "Three weeks."
Judge Judy: "And during the course of this 3-week relationship, you gave her an engagement ring?" (Calleigh stiffens as if to say something and catches herself. The judge notes this, gives Calleigh a nod at her self-control, then turns back to Hagen.) "Pretty fast work, if it was an engagement ring."
Hagen: "We'd known each other far longer than that."
Judge Judy: "Tell me about the ring."
Hagen: "I gave it to her one night at dinner."
Judge Judy: "And did you get down on one knee at the time?"
Hagen, looking blank: "What? No, I didn't. I just handed it to her and said, 'I want you to have this.'"
Judge Judy: "How romantic. Did you say, 'Will you marry me?'"
Hagen: "Um. . ."
Judge Judy: "Um is not an answer. Did you say, 'Will you marry me?'"
Hagen: "Not in those exact words, but she knew. . ."
Judge Judy: "Don't tell me what she knew. Answer the question, and look right here when you do. Right into my eyes. Did you say, 'Will you marry me?'"
Hagen: "No."
Judge Judy: "Did you say anything besides, 'I want you to have this?'"
Hagen: "I said I was so glad that we had been brought together to share our lives."
Judge Judy: "Tell me about this ring. Did you buy it?"
Hagen, looking at floor: "Um. . ."
Judge Judy: "Are you deaf? Um is not an answer. Look right here. Where did you get the ring?"
Hagen: "I bought it."
Judge Judy: "Where?"
Hagen: "At a pawn shop."
Judge Judy: "Again, how romantic. How much did you pay?"
Hagen: "I couldn't find the receipt, but I think it was around, um," (flipping through papers on his table)
Calleigh: "Your honor, if I may, I tracked down the pawn shop, and I have a copy of their records here."
Judge Judy: "Oh, I'd like to see those." Byrd retrieves the record. "Cubic zirconium. Not even quality cubic zirconium. Your romance points continue to disappear. For this ring, you paid a total of $75 four years ago." She looks up to nail Hagen with her eyes. "Four years ago? Tell me about the occasion when you bought the ring, and don't try to tell me you were being psychic."
Hagen: "I wanted an engagement ring, but I didn't want to risk much money, in case she said no."
Judge Judy: "And for whom was this ring intended? Your girlfriend before Ms. Duquesne?"
Hagen: "Um . . .(quickly continuing as he slowly melts to the floor under the judicial glare) . . . no, ma'am, it was a few girlfriends before that."
Judge Judy: "Define a few."
Hagen: "Eight."
Judge Judy: "And did you present this ring to all of them?"
Hagen: "Yes." The audience snickers.
Judge Judy: "I'm getting the picture here. And you've just achieved a negative score on the romance scale. So you were desperately looking for someone to marry you, only every girlfriend left you as soon as you got 'engaged,' so you eventually came down to Ms. Duquesne, who, in a spell of what she admits was stupidity, had a 3-week relationship with you. Ms. Duquesne, will you tell me about the ring?"
Calleigh: "John and I had gone out to dinner. We had a little bit too much wine. He handed me the ring and said, 'I want you to have this' and how glad he was he knew me. It was the day after my birthday, and the whole reason for the dinner was that he had forgotten my birthday the previous day and was trying to make up for it. I took it as a birthday gift. He did not mention marriage, and even then, I don't think I would have been that stupid."
Judge Judy, nodding approvingly: "So you thought it was just a gift. But you refused to give it back to him on principle."
Calleigh: "Actually, I couldn't give it back."
Judge Judy: "Why not?"
Calleigh: "On the night our relationship ended, after I left him, I went back to the gun range where I work, and I shot it at close range with a 44 Magnum."
The audience explodes into laughter. Judge Judy gives them a few minutes before nodding to Byrd, who calls for order.
Judge Judy, turning back to Hagen: "I find that the ring was a gift, and any engagement you think existed was probably a product of the wine or a hopeful imagination. She had every right to do what she wanted with it, including blowing it into bits. Now, get on to the loan."
Hagen: "I loaned Calleigh $1000."
Judge Judy: "Tell me about the conversation."
Hagen: "She wanted to take a trip off by herself for the weekend. She had just gone through the death of a close friend not long before, and she said she needed to think about things. I offered to loan her the money, and she accepted."
Judge Judy: "Don't tell me you offered to loan her the money. I want the exact conversation."
Hagen: "I said I could help you out with that, but I'll have to be paid back, and I wrote up a contract. She took the money, and we signed the papers."
Judge Judy: "I don't believe you. You just said she was distraught at a friend's recent death – which might have contributed to her lapse in judgment with this relationship – and in that conversation, when she says she has to get away and work through things, nobody would immediately pull out paper and write up a contract. You might have said you would help her out, but don't expect me to believe that in the middle of that moment, she sat down with you and worked out legal details."
Hagen, taking on a stubborn and misunderstood look: "I have the contract."
Judge Judy: "Byrd, for what it's worth, I'll look at the contract." He retrieves it, and she studies the print. "Take this across to Ms. Duquesne, please. Have you ever seen that piece of paper?"
Calleigh: "No. Definitely not."
Judge Judy: "Is that your signature?"
Calleigh: "It looks like it, but I never signed this. He must have traced it."
Judge Judy: "Quite likely. It doesn't have the flow of a natural signature." She turns the glaring eye on Hagen. "I don't like it when people manufacture evidence, Mr. Hagen. I especially don't like it when they come into court with manufactured evidence just to try to get revenge on someone who committed the unpardonable sin of coming to her senses and moving on. She found you attractive for a few weeks under the influence of grief and wine, and she got over it. You should, too. Ms. Duquesne, what do you remember about this alleged loan?"
Calleigh: "It wasn't $1000, it was $100, and there was no paperwork. He gave it to me to help on expenses for the weekend. I was surprised, actually, because it's the first thing in our three weeks together that he ever offered to pay for. He cost me a lot more than that. I thought I'd better take him up on it, to at least get some back."
Judge Judy: "Who is this man?"
Calleigh: "My witness, my boss, and my fiance, Horatio Caine."
Judge Judy: "Witness to what?"
Calleigh: "I spoke to him almost immediately after Hagen gave me $100 and before I went away for the weekend."
Judge Judy: "Step up. What do you know about this money?"
Horatio: "I had gone to Calleigh's apartment after work because I was worried about her. She was taking Janet's death hard. She was actually packing a suitcase when I got there and said she was going to get away from Miami and from Hagen for a while to think through things. I asked her if I could help in any way, and she said, no, he had just given her $100, and she had enough, anyway. I asked where she was going, and she said she wasn't sure, just away. I offered her the use of a small piece of property in the Keys that I had for the weekend, a nice place where she could get by herself to think, and she accepted. She never mentioned any loan or signing a contract that night, and she definitely said $100, not $1000."
Judge Judy: "Thank you. By the way, sir, she said you are her fiance."
Horatio: "Yes."
Judge Judy: "Did you give her a ring?"
Horatio: "Of course."
Judge Judy: "Did you buy it at a pawn shop?"
Horatio: "Of course not. I ordered it specially from a jewelry store."
Judge Judy: "How much did you pay?"
Horatio: "$4,500."
Judge Judy: "And did you get down on one knee and say, 'Will you marry me?'"
Horatio: "Yes. In the sand on the beach in the moonlight."
Judge Judy, looking at Hagen: "Now that is romantic." Looking back at Calleigh. "You should get down and kiss the ground in thanks that you came to your senses."
Calleigh: "I have, many times. It just took me a while. I've realized what love really is now." She and Horatio smile at each other.
Judge Judy: "Your ridiculous claims are dismissed. I hope she blew your cheap ring into a million pieces. Go get a life."
Byrd: "Parties are excused. You may step out."
Scene 2: A living room in Transylvania. A woman sits on the couch, watching TV on satellite. A man enters the room and settles next to her, putting his arm around her.
Inga: "Look, Frederick. I think we've found your creature after all these years."
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein, staring at the screen: "I don't believe it. That's him! He's tried to change a few things to fit in, but I'd know him anywhere. That blocky jaw, the square shoulders, that blank stare at times when he gets confused. That's him!"
Inga: "And we'd all wondered what happened to him after he ran away from your former fiancee. What did make the poor creature run?"
Dr. Frankenstein: "She showed me the note he left. He said he just couldn't handle her demands on him, that no one, spectacular creation or not, could deal with it. He said she was the freak, and he simply couldn't perform any more and was embarrassed trying."
Inga: "Or maybe he just ran out of inspiration." Gives him a coy look. "You aren't running out of inspiration, are you, dear?"
Dr. Frankenstein: "I have never yet run out of inspiration, especially when it comes to you."
They fall in each others arms onto the couch. The TV rambles on, unattended.
Scene 3:An airplane heading for Miami International.
Elizabeth, talking to herself: "I can't believe I've actually found him. Poor creature. All these years, trying to discover what happened to him. I'll never forgive myself for pushing him so far. If he'll just give me another chance, I'll be more understanding. Maybe asking for 20 times in a day was a bit much, but who would have known he would just totally run out of steam like that and suddenly have trouble doing anything? He seemed so strong at first. But now I know, and I'll nurse him back to full strength and health again. Oh, what have I done to you? He still feels the same, I know he does. All those women, he said, but none stayed with him. He can't be satisfied with anyone except me, and I'll take him back to Transylvania with me to convince him that my feelings haven't changed. I'll be more considerate in the future, really I will. I shouldn't have expected so much of him. I'm coming, dear, I'm coming, and I'm not going to take no for an answer. This time, I'll make sure you won't be able to run away from me, even if I have to hold you hostage until you see that we are meant for each other. I've found you again, and I'll never let you go." Settling back in her chair as the plane and her thoughts gain altitude, she starts humming. Ah, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you!
Disclaimer: CSI Miami and Judge Judy both belong to CBS. The movie Young Frankenstein belongs to 20th Century Fox and was the concept of Mel Brooks.