Call It Dreaming

by jmd0820

Direct continuation of the series picking up with the last episode. Spoilers for entire series and canon compliant.

9. these wounds that will not heal

Ch. 9: These wounds that will not heal

One Week Later

Walt rolled over in bed and extended his arm. Even in his half-asleep state, there was the expectation of Vic being there. It wasn't until he was met with emptiness and his mind started to clear that his memory returned to him along with some clarity. A stark feeling of disappointment.

She wasn't here.

Again.

It was the third morning in a row that he woke up alone. Despite years of doing just that day in and day out, it hadn't taken him long to grow accustomed and attached to how it felt to wake up beside her in the morning. To feel her, even smell her, before he ever opened his eyes to see her lying beside him in the bed.

Walt flopped his head on the pillow with a sigh and looked over at the clock. He would need to get up soon if he was going to make it in to the office on time. Rubbing his hands over his face, he allowed himself a few more minutes to wake up.

Tossing aside the sheet, he rose, showered, and dressed in short order. It was amazing how efficient he was with his time when he was alone. There were no distractions to derail his morning tasks. No temptation to stay in bed just a bit longer than he should.

The kind of things that being with Vic brought into his life.

Walt grabbed a bag of coffee and his French press and set about making fresh coffee. The aroma coming from the top of the crumpled bag was enough to get his senses moving that much more. Once he was done, and the coffee was steeping, he tossed the bag back into its spot on a shelf and let his gaze shift out the window.

It was looking like a nice day. He could see a breeze blowing in from the mountains and rustling the leaves on the trees. It would be a good morning to take his coffee out on the porch and drink it there. He pulled a mug from the cabinet and poured himself some of the fragrant liquid. He would have enough to fill up his thermos and take along with him when he left.

More than he needed for himself.

He pushed that particular thought aside.

Walt took his coffee cup and ambled out onto the porch. He took a seat on the bench than was off to the side and brought the cup to his lips. The coffee was as good as he knew it would be. The way that it should be. He inhaled a deep breath of the fresh air that was abundant in this part of the state. With no big cities to release unwelcome smog, he reckoned it was one of the last pure places in the country.

He was a man who could appreciate the solitude that he currently existed in. Had existed in for some time. There was a time when he craved this exact type of loneliness. When he was fine being his own company. This morning, however, he couldn't quite sit in it the way that he once did. It felt too big, too quiet.

It bothered him.

He sipped his coffee and watched the sun finish coming up. Around him, the sounds of morning were alive and getting on with their day. Birds chirped, insects hummed, the leaves in the trees rustled with the breath of wind that intermittently caressed them.

Despite it all, Walt felt inexplicably at ill at ease.

Finishing off his coffee, he stood up and walked back inside. He took his thermos and poured in the rest of the coffee before screwing on the lid. Pulling on his boots, he slipped his holster and his handcuffs into place on his belt and pressed his hat onto his head. Taking the thermos, he left the cabin and slid into his Bronco.

As he turned the key and started the engine, his eyes lingered on the cabin. It looked lonely and solitary sitting in the vast landscape that was large enough to swallow it whole. He loved this place. This land.

But, in that moment, he didn't particularly want to be there.

Not like this, feeling the way that he did.

His drive into town was predictably uneventful. He slowed as he steered the Bronco onto the main strip that led through downtown Durant, if you could even call it that. Vic would scoff at the idea that this was any kind of a downtown. He parked in the same marked spot he always did and stepped out onto the sidewalk. It was a stunning day. There was no argument to be had about that. Still, his mood felt murkier than it should.

He didn't consider himself in a bad mood. Just not in a good one.

He scanned the street around him and easily spotted Vic's work truck with its familiar decals. He checked the time on his watch. Despite his late wake up, he managed to arrive a few minutes early. She was even earlier. Not too far away he noted that Cady's Jeep was also parked, it's hood glinting in the sun.

Walt went through the door and up the steps. Now that he was planning his retirement, this walk felt somewhat different than in the past. Granted, his retirement was still weeks out. He hadn't even notified the mayor yet. Or the county commission. Still, each day brought him that much closer to some imaginary line that he would cross over at some unseen point and his life would change again.

This was what he wanted. He didn't doubt his choice. It was more the oncoming change. Change was something he always struggled with. Even Martha teased him about it in the early stages of their relationship. Now, here he was mired in it on all sides.

A great deal of it was his own doing.

He paused when he opened in the door. Ruby was at her desk as usual. She greeted him with the same smile that she almost always did over the years. He nodded and smiled in return as he made his way through the office.

"Morning, Ruby."

It sounded gruffer than he intended. Ruby didn't seem to pay him any mind and continued with her work as he moved by her.

Vic looked up when she heard his voice in a manner that made him think it might be an actual reflex at this point. Just like they were most of the time these days when both were in the office, Cady was sitting beside her, looking involved in something on Vic's desk.

Vic offered him a smile.

"Good morning."

Walt nodded as Cady also glanced up.

"Morning."

His eyes shifted from one woman to the other and he nodded again before walking into his office and closing the door. Walt hung up his hat and thumped his thermos full of coffee on the desk. Settling down into his seat, he looked at the closed door and sighed.

xxx

"What's wrong with him?"

It was Cady who posed the question. Vic was thinking the same thing. She hadn't talked to him yet this morning. When they parted way the previous day, he seemed okay. Not mad or upset as far as she could tell. Although, they hadn't spent all that much time together over the last few days outside of work. It was frustrating, but she was working with Cady until late. Then, she was tired.

She shrugged at Cady.

"I don't know."

"Is he mad about something?"

The only answer she had was the one that she had just given.

"I don't know."

She glanced at the wooden door, wondering if she should go in and find out what was wrong. That was her first instinct. But, in their work environment, that didn't seem like the best idea. There was no need to call undue attention to themselves.

So, she turned her attention back to Cady and their work.

"So…these classes…they were pushed back?"

Vic nodded.

"Yep. Next week. Monday through Wednesday."

"Should I be nervous?"

Vic gave her a look.

"You went through four years of law school. I'm pretty sure you can handle it."

She smiled when she said it and Cady laughed.

"Fair enough. But…this is all new to me. Law…is something I know."

"You didn't when you first started."

"True…but I was younger."

Vic laughed under her breath.

"You'll do fine. Stop worrying so much about it. Kids fresh out of high school and college learn this stuff. I'm sure someone who has passed the bar exam will have no trouble with it."

Cady sighed.

"I know you're right. It's just…I've been doing what I know for a while now. The thought of trying something different seems daunting."

Vic started to shuffle through the papers on her desk when Walt's door opened and he reappeared. He stepped out and his attention was on Vic. His hat was in his hand.

"I just got a call from Jess Mueller. His brothers are at it again."

Vic tilted her head back and looked up at him.

"Seriously?"

"Yep. Let's ride over and see what the problem is this time."

Vic nodded and stood up. Cady started to stand, but Walt spoke up.

"Just Vic. Cady, you stay here and work with Ruby on some things. I'm sure she's got something to occupy you."

Cady looked between the two of them with a look of uncertainty.

"Okay."

She said the word slowly. Vic turned slightly.

"This is the kind of thing she needs to be involved in. It's…"

"No."

The word came out quick and left little room for interpretation. Vic cocked her head.

"Walt, she needs…"

"I said no."

The volume of his voice dropped, but not the sternness. His eyes collided with hers and she folded her arms over her chest, digging in.

"Why?"

"What?"

"Why don't you want her to come."

Walt glanced at Cady, who was watching the exchange. After a moment, he looked back to Vic.

"Because I said so."

With that, he placed his hat on his head and brushed by her. Vic gave Cady a look, shook her head, and followed along after him. It took long, quick strides to catch up to the determined gait he was using.

"What's going on?"

She could feel the familiar sense of frustration building up in her gut. Walt got behind the wheel of the Bronco and slipped the key into the ignition.

"We have a call."

Vic got in the passenger seat and closed the door harder than necessary.

"What is your problem?"

He pulled out and started up the street.

"I don't have a problem."

"Oh, I think you do."

In typical Walt fashion, he didn't respond. Vic tapped her hand on her leg and looked at him across the seat.

"Because you said so? Seriously? What in the hell is up with that?"

"I'm the Sheriff. Things like that are my decision."

"Yeah, and you have asked me to train the potential next Sheriff. But, you won't take her on a call that could benefit her."

"We do this all the time. It's not exactly a bank robbery."

"No, it's people in the county that she needs to know how to handle. Situations that she will deal with more than a bank robbery. God. What are you so pissed off about?"

"I'm not pissed off."

She shot him yet another look.

"You come in this morning and barely speak to anyone before going into your office and closing the door. That gives the rest of us a real…pissed off kind of vibe."

His hand tightened on the wheel and it didn't escape her.

"Don't talk to me like that again. Especially not in front of Cady."

He looked her way before turning his eyes back to the road.

"I'm the…"

"Sheriff. I know. And, I don't give a shit. If you want me to train her, don't do it again."

She swallowed the heat in the back of her throat and turned her eyes back to the landscape that was racing by them now.

"So, what's your problem?"

Walt kept his eyes on the road.

"Can we not do this on a potentially dangerous call?"

Vic rolled her eyes.

"Sure. We'll do it later."

Walt pulled onto a familiar driveway and slowed the Bronco. A figure they both knew well was standing outside of an old looking farmhouse. Walt parked and they both got out. Walt hitched his fingers in his belt as they approached. The man was tall and thin. He wore a straw hat to protect his mostly bald head. Jess Mueller extended a hand to Walt and offered him a thin smile.

"How are you, Walt?"

The two men shook.

"Fair, Jess. What's going on?"

Jess gave him an exasperated look and jerked a thumb towards the back of his house.

"Those two old fools are what's going on? They're fighting again. I could hear them clear up here. I don't know why in the hell…"

He paused and gave Vic and apologetic look.

"Pardon."

Vic shook her head.

"Don't worry about it. You don't know why in the hell what?"

He smiled slightly and continued.

"They insist on living in that old shack together. They hate each other and threaten to kill each other once a day or so."

"Why is this time different?"

Jess removed his hat and swiped a palm over his head before replacing it.

"It sounded…physical."

"Are they armed?"

Jess nodded.

"Yep. Couple of old shotguns."

Walt sighed and nodded.

"We'll talk to them."

He started away and Vic fell into step beside him.

"Have they been this way their whole lives?"

Walt walked down the rutted out driveway that led to the smaller house behind the larger one. House was a kind word. Vic had seen the place on previous visits. Shack was the right word. It was a dump.

"Far back as I can remember. Worse when they were younger. Lucian jailed them once a week for a while."

They both paused as the dilapidated abode came into view.

"Quiet."

The comment came from Walt. Vic considered him.

"Maybe they shot each other."

Walt shook his head.

"I wouldn't be surprised."

They walked up the creaky steps that looked as though they were in imminent danger of collapse. Walt raised his hand and knocked on the door, speaking in a firm voice.

"George. Jim. It's Walt Longmire. Open the door."

They both listened. Vic gave him a quick look.

"Maybe they're playing hard to get today."

He knocked again.

"Sheriff's Department."

There was still no noise from inside the small house. Walt sighed. He tried the knob and found it locked. Glancing at Vic, she nodded and stepped back. Walt took a step back and brought his leg up. The sole of his boot connected strongly with the door and it flung open, the meager lock not doing very much to keep anyone out.

Vic reached around and pulled her 9mm as Walt pulled his Colt free from his holster. Slowly, they walked into the shack. Vic made a face.

"God, it stinks."

It was somewhere between filth and animal urine. The so called house had once been a large shed. When the older Mueller brothers moved into it, they divided the space with one thin wall to effectively make a living area and a makeshift kitchen. The small living area contained a sagging sofa that looked like it might be the source of the odor. There was trash and food containers strewn around.

Three steps in and they heard a sound from the kitchen. Walt stopped and held up his free hand causing Vic to stop as well.

"George? Jim?"

There was another sound and Vic was able to place it.

A gasp.

They entered the small area that served as a kitchen with a camping stove and a large metal basin that held dirty dishes. On the floor was George Mueller. He was sprawled on his back wearing a pair of dirty brown work pants and a stained t-shirt. His slightly older brother Jim hovered over him. He looked up as they came in.

"He was…I didn't mean to…Jesus."

Walt holstered his gun as he came around the two men. Reaching down, he used his fingers to check for a pulse on George.

"What happened?"

Jim was mumbling to himself. Walt reached out and shook his shoulder.

"Jim!"

Jim Mueller looked up.

"I hit him. I hit him in the head."

"With what?"

"The butt of my shotgun."

Walt glanced at her. Vic stood up and looked at Jim Mueller.

"Where's the gun?"

He gestured and she saw the gun lying a few feet away on the floor. Walt looked up at her.

"Let's get an ambulance out here."

Vic nodded and pulled out her cellphone. Taking Jim by the arm with her free hand, she pulled.

"Come on. Let's step outside."

He resisted for a moment, his eyes falling back on his brother.

"I didn't mean to, Sheriff."

Vic tugged on his arm again. This time, he allowed her to lead him out while she dialed her phone with the other hand.

xxx

"Jesus, what a mess."

Vic walked into his office and tossed a folder on his desk.

"Here's the report. Weston called. George Mueller has a nasty concussion and is already demanding to be released from the hospital. Guess he misses the squalor he lives in. Jim is booked and in the cell."

Walt leaned back in his chair and looked up at her.

"Thank you."

Her head tilted.

"That all?"

Walt reached out and took the folder. Lifting it, he flipped it open and his eyes scanned the page, taking in her familiar handwriting. After a couple of minutes, he raised his eyes.

"Yep."

Her eyes held his briefly before she started to turn away.

"Vic."

He said her name before his brain even processed what it was doing. She paused and looked back his way with a face full of questions.

"Um…about earlier…"

Her face was closed off and he hated that. Hated the way that it made him feel.

"Cady and I are going patrolling."

That was all she said. Without giving him time to reply, she walked out of his office. From his seat, he could hear her say something to Cady. That was followed by the sounds of chairs moving and boots treading over the floor as they left. Walt sighed and pushed the folder away. She was mad at him. No surprise there. He supposed he deserved it. He was short with her earlier. Rude really. He wasn't even sure why. He wasn't mad at her. She hadn't done anything. That was it, though. Wasn't it?

She hadn't done anything at all.

Neither had they.

Walt felt frustrated.

He should have just told her what he was feeling earlier. What was in his head. Now, there would be another long conversation about communication. Rightfully so. He wondered how long she would be able to deal with his difficulties in simply talking about his feelings. They had already visited this conversation several times and she made her feelings clear on the matter.

He drummed his fingers on the desk.

What he really wanted to do was talk to her. That wasn't going to happen right now. He would be lucky if it happened later on today. There was a good chance she wouldn't be willing to hear him for a while.

Walt sighed.

He toyed with the idea of trying to get some actual work done. But, there wasn't anything that was incredibly pressing at the moment. Lacking anything else to fill his mind, he stood up and grabbed his hat.

Breezing by Ruby, he put on his hat.

"I'll be at the Red Pony if you need me."

She didn't have a reply, only glanced at him.

Walt took the stairs quickly, wanting to be free of the entire environment. The ride over to the Red Pony was relatively quick and uneventful. He pulled in and parked. The bar didn't appear to be busy this time off the day.

Inside the bar was dark despite the sun that was shining brightly outside. Walt knew that was by design. Patrons were less likely to leave if they really couldn't tell what time it was. That seemed to be the way of it with these establishments. Although, Henry was good about keeping an eye on his customers, taking keys and calling for rides when someone drank too much.

Walt spotted Henry behind the bar wiping a section of the counter. He offered Walt a smile as he approached and took a seat on a stool.

"Henry."

"Walt, are you here for work or…"

Walt shook his head.

"Nope. Just…needed to get out of the office."

Henry tossed his cloth over his shoulder.

"Is it something in particular?"

Walt shrugged and tapped one hand on the surface of the bar.

"Do you want to talk? Or, would you rather have lunch?"

Walt removed his hat and ran a hand over his hair.

"Neither."

Henry smiled, accustomed to Walt's brand of talking.

"Is it a work issue? A personal one?"

Walt pushed out a breath.

"Both."

"So, it is about Vic."

Walt didn't reply. He didn't need to.

"Tell me about it."

"I would if I understood it myself."

Henry smiled.

"Women are confusing."

"Yep."

"Did you do something?"

"What makes you think I did something?"

"Experience."

Walt grimaced.

"I'm not exactly sure."

"Have you tried talking to her about it?"

"Briefly."

"She was not receptive?"

Walt shifted on his chair.

"Well…she wanted to talk earlier in the day. But…"

Henry waved him off.

"You did not want to. Now, you want to talk and she does not."

"Something like that."

Henry considered him.

"We talked last week. At your cabin."

Walt eyed him.

"About me?"

"Yes. And Vic."

"Anything I should know?"

"It is obvious that she cares for you. Deeply. She also seems…wary of this."

"Yep."

"She has expressed this to you."

"Yep."

"Does that bother you?"

"No. She's been through a lot."

"As have you."

Walt shrugged off his own problems.

"In the past."

"Is it in the past?"

"Yes."

Henry was quiet for a moment.

"Cady tells me that you are planning to retire."

No surprise there.

"Yep."

"It is true?"

"Yes, it's true. It's not common knowledge yet, though."

Henry's dark eyes sat on him.

"You are going through a great deal of change for a man who does not like change."

"My choice."

"Is it too much at once?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Henry, what's the point?"

"The point is, Walt, that you are not good with communication under the best of circumstances. Add all of this onto your plate and it is no wonder that you are struggling."

"I'm not…struggling."

"You are. It is natural. Do you want my advice?"

"You're gonna give it anyway?"

"Talk to her. Not at work."

Walt took in his friend's words and then glanced around the bar.

"You know what? I think I will have some lunch."

xxx

Walt was gone for a large chunk of the afternoon. Not that she was in the office to notice. When she and Cady returned later on, it was Ruby who told her that Walt was out. Vic nodded in a curt way before turning her attention to other things. At least, training Cady gave her something to occupy herself with other than dull paperwork.

He came back later in the afternoon and came through the main door. He greeted Ruby and glanced her and Cady's way on the path to his office. He didn't say anything, although he did seem different than earlier in the day. There seemed to be less tension about him. Or, maybe it was a different kind. With Cady right there, she didn't have the opportunity to give it too much thought.

He holed up in his office again and Vic moved on with her day. She tried to push their earlier arguments out of her mind. Truthfully, she was tired and didn't feel like dealing with her problems, their problems. Whichever. Vic sighed. That was too easy of an attitude to fall back on. She knew they would need to talk about this at some point. What she really wanted to know was what was wrong with him earlier in the day.

Whether he was willing to admit it or not, he seemed angry. She honestly didn't know if something happened and he was just in a bad mood, or if this was somehow centered on them. Not that she had done anything to set him off. Hell, she hadn't even spent the night at his place for a few nights now.

She wanted to. Work was keeping her busier than normal, though. Walt was focusing on wrapping up what he could. He hadn't mentioned when he would tell the rest of the staff. She knew he couldn't put that off too long because they would need to prepare for the transition and that would take some time.

With Cady working in the office, they might even have a clue.

That was yet another thing they hadn't talked about. She figured some of that was on her. With her attention diverted, there wasn't time for them to talk very much outside of work. Keeping a line between what was professional and what was personal was not an easy thing. Especially when it all ran together in this manner. The separation could be difficult.

Maybe he was struggling with that.

Cady left early which was fine with Vic. There was something pulling at her in regards to Cady. She mentioned twice this week having dinner plans. When Vic asked who with, she was evasive and that raised a new brand of questions. She wasn't going to worry about that too much right now, though. Who Cady might be seeing, or having dinner with, wasn't the primary concern in her life. It was more of a curiosity.

With Cady gone and the rest of the office empty, she was left with two choices. Go in now and try to talk to Walt, or simply leave. She looked at his door for a long time. It had been closed since he returned from wherever he went earlier in the day. It would be easy just to get up and knock on the door. Nothing was ever really as easy as it seemed in her head.

Vic finally gathered up her things and left the office with no real destination in mind. She was getting tired of being alone in her RV every night. With Walt's mood, though, she was starting to think that was exactly where she would be again tonight. She missed him when she was at home and she wanted to tell him that. She didn't want to feel too needy, but she did feel like she needed him.

This wasn't helping her headache.

She opted to go home. She changed out of her work clothes and thought about eating. Unfortunately, her place wasn't in any better shape than Walt's when it came to food. It might have been worse if that was possible. She milled around for a while before boredom got the best of her. She wasn't good at sitting around. Especially not when there was something on her mind.

In the end, she decided to drive out the cabin. If he was home, they could talk. Maybe he was in a better mood now. Maybe she could keep her own temper in check and they could have a halfway decent conversation.

The drive to the cabin was quiet. Once she pushed towards edges of the county, there was almost no traffic. There was something cathartic about having the road to herself and simply driving these isolated roads. Being at the cabin was the same way.

Vic felt a pang of disappointment when she pulled in and found the cabin dark. He wasn't home yet. Vic sat in her truck, her mind again waffling between staying and waiting or leaving. She wasn't sure how long she sat there trying to reach a decision.

When did she become so damn indecisive?

That was yet another undesired aftereffect of her recent problems. It was also one that she wanted to remedy. Vic pulled her door handle and slipped out. She thought about going inside and waiting. It was a nice night, warm and clear. She opted to sit on the bench and wait for him. Sitting there brought back memories of their first morning together. He had seemed certain then. About them. Much more than she did. His words had been soothing to her battered heart. Comfortable. Just like leaning into him and feeling his hand moving over her.

Hell, maybe he was finally growing tired of having to reassure her. A person could only take so much doubt. That could explain his mood. And, here she was doing it again. Doubting everything that she wanted to believe in.

Vic mentally cursed herself just as she saw headlights appear in the distance.

Walt.

He would see her truck. He would know that she was here.

Vic stayed where she was as the Bronco rolled to a stop. Walt paused just outside of his vehicle, his eyes aimed at her truck. Pushing his door closed, he looked back towards the cabin. Vic knew he couldn't see her. She was out of the range of his porch light and there was no other illumination except for the moon.

Walt slowly started towards the steps to his porch, pausing again. He took them one at a time and stopped at the top, turning his face in her direction. He knew she was there.

"Hey."

Vic stood up, but stayed by the bench. Walt gestured at the front door.

"You wanna come in?"

He opened the door in invitation and she accepted. Vic walked past him, making only brief eye contact. Inside, he flipped on the light and tossed his keys on his desk. Removing his hat, he hung it up. Vic stood, watching his routine play out.

Finally, he turned to her.

"We need to talk."

Vic bit her bottom lip and looked at him.

That was an understatement.

"Do we?"

Her question seemed to confuse him. Vic took two steps toward him.

"How is this gonna go? We apologize. Say we shouldn't have done this or that. Then we make up and what…go to bed."

Again, he seemed taken aback by the bluntness.

"Why are you here then?"

"Because you're right. We do need to talk. But…we're what…less than two weeks into this and we're already lapsing into old habits. Bad habits. I…that's not what I want. It's not what you should want. I…I love you. But…we both know that love isn't always enough."

He shifted on his feet and she could read the apprehension on his face. It was the second time she had used that phrase.

"I'm sorry…about this morning."

Vic nodded slowly.

"Are you? Really?"

"Yes. You're right. I was…in a bad mood and I took it out on you. I shouldn't have."

"No, you shouldn't have. And, I…shouldn't have picked a fight with you on the way to a call. But…Walt, apologies don't mean anything if the behavior doesn't change. We have got to stop doing this. We need to learn how to have…conversations."

She nearly laughed when she said it.

"So…why were you in a bad mood this morning?"

"I don't know."

Vic narrowed her eyes.

"Sure you do. This is exactly what we're talking about here."

He sighed and looked down.

"It's…just…you haven't been here."

"You're mad at me for not spending the night with you?"

She was looking for clarity. With Walt, that never came easily.

"No. It's not that. I'm not mad. Just…frustrated."

He went quiet again and Vic folded her arms over her chest.

"Because?"

He looked up.

"I just told you."

Vic flexed her jaw slowly.

"Walt, I get that talking isn't your thing. But…do you have any idea how exhausting it is to constantly have to pull information out of you?"

His eyes held hers.

"I guess I haven't thought about it."

"You should. I'm sorry that I haven't been here. I'm sorry if that…frustrates you. I'm tired, though. I'm…busy at work. You know that."

"I know. It's something I asked you to do. That's why I didn't want to say anything. It seems…stupid."

"It's not stupid. Your feelings are valid."

A hint of a smile tugged at him.

"Selfish."

Vic shrugged.

"I think…being selfish is necessary sometimes. Otherwise, we neglect ourselves. We're both…really good at that. Or…bad. Guess it depends on your perspective."

She grew more somber.

"We can't keep doing this. I don't want to."

"What do you want?"

It was a direct question for a change. Also, a broad one.

"From you or…life in general?"

"They should be the same. Or…close."

He was softer now. More the way that she was accustomed when they were alone together.

"To…not feel…like everything is some…huge struggle."

"That's my fault."

Vic took him in.

"Some of it. Not all of it. I think we both tend to make things harder than they need to be. I've got to be honest with you, though. You're making me a little crazy. This jealousy…"

"Jealousy?"

The word came out quick.

Vic regarded him.

"You have issues with jealousy. Of other people…of…of sharing my time."

"No, I don't."

He was defensive now. But, she had already opened the can of worms and there was no closing it.

"Yeah, you do."

"When have I…"

"Eamonn."

Vic cut him off. He fell quiet and Vic knew she was on to something.

"When you came back from your leave, you made an assumption based on literally nothing and you acted like a complete ass because of it. Jesus, Walt, I half expected you to mark your territory."

He folded his arms over his chest and stayed quiet.

She studied him for a long moment.

"You know…it wasn't until after the mess with Eamonn that you started pursuing Donna."

Walt grimaced.

"Why do you keep going back to Donna?"

"Did you think one conversation would be enough?"

"I thought we resolved it."

"No, we talked. But…I don't think it's been resolved. Not really. The way you acted today…because you were mad that I was spending more time with Cady than with you…maybe you should give all of that some thought. See how it all fits together. You were the same way when I was working with Eamonn. For the record, nothing went on between us while you were out. He was…a friend when I needed one. While you were pushing me away."

He shifted on his feet.

"I've apologized for that."

"I'm not looking for an apology, Walt."

"Then what are you looking for?"

"I don't know. Maybe a real reason why you were so damn mean when I hadn't done anything to you."

"Mean?"

He repeated the word with a tinge of disbelief. Vic wasn't in the mood to back down from this, though. Not while they were finally hashing out some much needed issues.

"Yeah, you were mean. I don't know another word for it."

"I already told you why I pushed you away."

"Yeah, you were afraid of your feelings. I'm willing to accept that on some level. Donna seemed like a safer option. Sure. But…I don't believe that's all it is. I don't think Donna is the problem at all. If you're telling me the truth and you never really loved her, then…she's a non-issue in all this. It was more the way you acted."

She paused and looked around the cabin.

"We should sit?"

She noted the role reversal. But, this didn't seem like a quick conversation. He eyed her for a long moment before he nodded slightly and took a seat on the couch with Vic sitting beside him and pulling up her feet.

"I don't want to fight with you. That's not what I'm looking for. But…we've already talked about honesty…a few times. I can't go into another situation where a relationship is built on things that aren't true. A lot of shit happened, Walt. And…as much as I want to move on from all this, I'm not sure I can until I understand where your head was. Understanding is what I want. Not…accusations or…excuses. Just…honesty."

She held his eyes for a long moment, seeing more uncertainty than normally resided in his gaze. Walt wasn't good at this type of thing and she recognized that. Still, if they were going to do this, it was necessary.

Slowly, he tilted his head.

"Okay."

xxx

She pushed his stress levels higher than he thought he could handle.

When he pulled in and realized she was sitting on his porch in the dark, it felt ominous. He thought she might be there to tell him that she was done with it. With him. He wasn't sure how he would take that kind of news. Not when they were finally where they should be. Where he wanted to be.

Her comments were what he would have expected from Vic before she was shot. Direct. To the point. There was some comfort to be found there. Sometimes, this newer version threw him and he wasn't sure how to handle her. He didn't want to hurt her. Or push her. He simply wanted to be with her. Only it really wasn't simple at all.

He loved her.

That much was the truth.

There were times the intensity of his own feelings rattled him.

He wasn't good with feelings.

She seemed to know that he was trying. He hoped that would go some distance in alleviating her fears and concerns. If having this conversation was that important to her, that's what they would do. He only hoped they came out the other side intact.

He hoped she could see beyond the ugliness in him.

"I don't want to live in the past. But, I think maybe the past needs to be exorcised."

That was how she started and her wording was on par.

She wasn't wrong. He could admit that. There were still portions of his own past that needed that exact thing.

"Yeah, it does. I didn't love Donna, Vic. I cared for her. I do think under different circumstances, she and I might have been able to work. But, we don't live in that reality. The truth is that I should have ended it before I did. Or, I shouldn't have even gotten involved with her. There were…red flags that I ignored."

Something that resembled a rueful smile danced across her face.

"I'm an expert on ignoring red flags."

He nodded.

"You were a red flag, or…my feelings for you. I should have just told you then. But, I didn't. Instead, I chose to hurt you. I knew what I was doing. And…I am sorry for that. It's just that…when I saw you with Eamonn…how familiar the two of you seemed with each other…I didn't like it."

"You were jealous."

He made a face. He didn't like the word jealous. It sounded juvenile. But, his behavior had been juvenile. Maybe she wasn't all that far off. When he didn't respond, she pushed on.

"You thought another boy had a toy you wanted and it pissed you off."

"You're not a toy, Vic."

She rolled her eyes.

"It's an analogy. You should know that. You're the reader here."

He huffed.

"Right."

"So…you were jealous."

She prodded him again. Walt sighed and knew she wouldn't relent on this point. Not until he faced the facts.

"I was jealous."

There it was.

"There was no reason for it."

"I didn't know that."

She let out a heavy breath.

"You could've just asked me. I would have told you. Instead, you got all pissed off. Just like you did today."

"I know. I'm…sorry for that."

She eyed him in that perceptive way that she was so good at.

"Did you use Donna to get back at me for that?"

"Maybe."

"Walt."

He could hear the warning in her tone. Her earlier comment about having to pull information out of him. A conversation of extrication. That wasn't productive.

"Yes."

He halfway expected her to get mad. She didn't, though. She simply looked satisfied at his admission. Walt took a breath.

"Vic, there's…something I need to tell you."

She looked uneasy at the remark.

"Okay."

"About Denver."

She had asked him twice already, but not pushed. She seemed to understand it was something he needed to do on his own. As much as it seemed off topic in this moment, Walt knew that it all tied in together. Vic wasn't hesitant these days to confess her own sins. She gave a voice to her own darkness.

It was time he did the same.

He owed her that much.

"Denver?"

"Yeah. You'll understand. When I'm done."

She settled back against the couch and waited. Walt's mind started to reel through the past. It wasn't a pleasant experience. These were things that he wasn't proud of. Thoughts and actions that went against his oath as Sheriff.

Against his own moral compass.

"I went to Denver after Martha died to kill Miller Beck. He was the man who killed her. He was a meth addict. At the time, we thought it was a robbery gone bad. I didn't have any good reason to go after him other than he killed my wife. Things went bad. He and his friends got the best of me and…"

He gestured over his shoulder.

"…they cut into my back."

Her face went pale. She knew how big the scars were, how severe the cuts must have been when they were fresh.

"Jesus."

Walt rubbed his palms together. For him, that was the least painful part of the story.

"She wanted me to go to Denver with her. For her treatments. They were hard on her. Made her sick. She didn't want to be alone during all of that. But, I…told her that I needed to work. So…I sent her on and told her that I would call her. Check in. I…got busy and didn't."

Walt paused, his mouth feeling dry and sticky. Bile rolled in his stomach.

"When the phone rang and the Denver number showed up, I assumed she was calling me to let me know how things were going. Instead, it was the police telling me that she was in the hospital. He used a knife and left her there. I got to Denver as fast as I could. She was still alive, but she knew she wasn't gonna make it. She asked me to let Cady believe it was the cancer. She thought that would be easier. You know about all that, though."

"I'm sorry."

He shook his head.

"You don't have any reason to be. You deserve to know this. Vic, I was…not a good husband. She was a wonderful woman and she deserved better than to be with a man who didn't always put her first. Our marriage was good most of the time. It was…comfortable. We had Cady and that made her happy. But…I think any other woman would've left me. I wasn't there when she needed me and I should've been. I should've been there for her a lot more than I was. After she died, I didn't think I could live with that."

"You're still alive."

"Yep."

"I still don't understand how this relates to…us?"

He expected that.

"You tell me all the time that you have a history of poor choices. You're not the only one. We all have things in our past that we're not proud of. The difference is…that some people learn faster than others about how to stop that cycle. I made one bad decision after another during that time. I made the situation worse. I fully intended to kill a man in cold blood and it was driven by guilt more than anything else. I endangered the people that I cared about. Henry. Cady. All because I couldn't live with myself. I…I started the same cycle with you. I wasn't ready for this. I wasn't prepared to have feelings for you. They confused me. They…they scared me. Instead of just telling you that, I tried to hurt you so that you wouldn't want me. But, you don't give up. I started the thing with Donna to try and move on. But…I also wanted to make you feel the way I did when I saw you with Eamonn."

She looked at him as the quiet spread out around them.

"That day in the alley…"

The words faded out. He hated thinking about that day. It shamed him.

"That's not the way you treat someone you care about."

Vic shook her head.

"No, it's not."

Something in her expression was softer than he expected. Certainly, more than he deserved from her.

"I'm sorry."

Walt cleared his throat.

"Vic…when you were shot…it felt like history was repeating itself. I'm not sure I would've made it through something like that a second time. When Dr. Weston told me that you were gonna make it…I realized that I was getting a second chance. One that I didn't deserve. But…I was grateful for it."

"You do realize that you don't have the market cornered on bad decision, right? When I went after Chance, I wanted to kill him. I wanted all the uncertainty to be over. I didn't think about the baby or what might happen. I just reacted. You're not the only one who feels like they don't deserve the good in their life."

Her words touched something deep inside of his chest. He knew that she was right. For all their outward differences, they really were more alike than most people would realize. They both carried a darkness that threatened to overtake them.

Walt took a breath.

"I didn't tell you this to try and make you feel sorry for me. I just…I want you to understand me."

Vic offered him a lopsided smile.

"I've always understood you, Walt. You just weren't willing to admit that. You made shitty choices, you have underlying anger issues, and that jealously thing. But…you're also a man who will stand up for the little guy when no one else does. You want to see justice done. You care about the people in your life. No one's perfect. I don't expect you to be. I sure as hell hope you don't expect me to be. If you do, you're in for a shock."

It was his turn to smile.

"I definitely don't expect that."

Her hand came up and slapped lightly on his arm.

"Jackass."

Walt swallowed and ventured the next question carefully.

"Can you stay?"

Her eyes stayed on his. It felt like they were in a better place. But, he was still unsure. The day turned out to be long and draining.

"You know…sex doesn't solve anything."

Her tone was serious.

"I'm not asking for sex. I'm asking if you're hungry?"

Her face reddened slightly.

"Oh. Would it do me any good if I was?"

"I have food."

Vic gave him a dubious look.

"Real food?"

"Yep."

She offered him a smile, a real smile along with a nod.

"Okay, then. Sure."

He made dinner and ate with her even though he wasn't all that hungry. He hadn't eaten anything since the Red Pony. His stomach felt knotted up still. She helped him clean up and then she hovered in the kitchen like she wasn't sure what to do next. It was that uncertainty that made him wonder what really went on inside of her head sometimes. It was easy enough to try and play it down. The reality was that she had thought about killing herself. That was a conversation that haunted him even now, especially after some of her more recent admissions.

The what might have been. Just like before.

"What?"

She was looking at him. Walt started for the living room and felt her just behind him. He took a seat on the couch and waited for her to do the same. She was still waiting for an answer to her question.

"Is there anything else?"

"Anything else?"

"That you want to talk about?"

Vic shook her head.

"No. Why?"

Walt looked at his pants and picked at a seam on his jeans.

"I worry about you."

"I worry about me, too."

He looked up.

"I'm serious, Vic. Have you…talked to anyone?"

"Um…the uh…the group I told you about."

"You said that wasn't helpful."

"It wasn't. I don't see what good…wallowing in your pain does."

"Have you tried something one on one?"

"No."

"Maybe you should."

She gave him an odd look.

"That's…interesting coming from you."

"I know. But…"

His words trailed off.

"I talk to you."

He smiled a bit.

"We see what good that does."

"It does…good. You're…sometimes…I feel like you're the only person I can talk to."

"Your family."

She huffed at the suggestion. Walt pressed on.

"You told me they know."

"They do. But…you wouldn't understand."

"Try me."

Vic looked up and inhaled.

"It's just…their solution is always the same. Move back to Philadelphia."

"Have you considered that?"

She was quiet for a moment before she answered.

"Yes, I have. It won't solve anything, though. My problems won't magically vanish because my geography changes. Pretty sure we've proven that. There would just be a whole new set of problems waiting for me there. I doubt I could get my job back. Not after everything that happened. Besides…you're not there."

She grew quiet and Walt studied her.

"I just…worry about you."

She raised her eyes.

"I know. But…it's not as bad as it was."

"Is that the truth?"

"Yeah, it's the truth. I promised you that…I wouldn't do that again, Walt."

Her comment hung in the air between them. Walt didn't like thinking about that night. The detachment with which she told him the story disturbed him. It still did. Up to that point, it hadn't occurred to him how deep her pain really was.

Trauma could be a tricky thing the way it ebbed and flowed as time passed.

"Did Henry tell you that we talked the other morning?"

"Yes."

"Did he tell you what we talked about?"

"Not really?"

"He asked me about my feelings for you. I told him I loved you, but that I wondered if we were both too damaged for this to work."

"Do you still wonder that?"

"Yes."

There was that honesty again. It was jarring. She didn't pursue the topic and Walt let it drop. Tonight felt like progress and he wasn't looking for any setbacks.

Walt opted for a subject change.

"I wrote up my letter of retirement to send to the mayor."

Vic made a face when he mentioned Sawyer Crane.

"I'm sure he'll be thrilled."

"Probably. Before I send it over, I need to tell everyone else at the office. I owe them all that much."

"When?"

"Tomorrow."

"You ready for that?"

Walt ran his palms over his jeans.

"As I'll ever be."

"You're sure about this."

"Yep."

Her eyes stayed on him.

"Must be nice."

Walt cocked his head.

"What?"

"To be sure about something."

"Well, I do have my concerns. But, it's time."

She nodded slightly.

"What about your treasure hunt?"

"What about it?"

"Are you making plans?"

Walt shrugged and shifted in his seat.

"Some. Trying not to get too far ahead of myself. I'm thinking…"

He moved again, angling himself towards her.

"…maybe a couple of weeks. You know…you can stay here while I'm gone. If you want."

"People will know. We haven't…talked about…how or when to tell people."

"Any ideas?"

"No. I…try not to think too much about the future. It gets overwhelming."

He could certainly understand her perspective on that front. Still, it planted a seed of worry in him.

"You don't think about the future? At all?"

She looked away from him when he posed the question, her eyes settling on some point he couldn't name.

"I said I try…not to think about the future."

She turned her eyes back to him.

"Don't…take that the wrong way. I just…what we're doing right now…it feels…good. I just…don't want to ruin that with…expectations."

"Expectations?"

"Yeah. Right now…I just can't. It's not…you. It's…everything."

He wanted to ask her to clarify what she meant. He chose not to in that moment. This was an open conversation and he didn't want to push his luck. He also didn't want to put her under any pressure.

Expectations could be heavy.

He understood that.

This was still new. Admittedly, he did think about the future. His. Theirs.

He didn't have any idea where they were headed. He wasn't sure what they had would ever be traditional. Much of that depended on Vic. What she wanted. What he was willing to accept from her. They had both been married with far different results. There was always a chance she wasn't interested in getting married again.

He could definitely see where she was coming from. Thinking about where they might be going with all of this was somewhat overwhelming. It also introduced a host of questions he wasn't sure he was prepared to ask. He wasn't sure he wanted the answers.

Maybe her tactic was the right way to go.

One day at a time.

Thinking about what was right in front of them.

He blinked back into the moment to find her watching him closely.

"Is that okay?"

Walt nodded.

"Yeah."

"You're sure?"

"Yes, it's fine."

His eyes drifted to his watch.

"Are you staying? Tonight?"

"Do you want me to?"

She smiled a little when she said it and he knew that she was teasing him.

"You know that I do."

Vic's smile grew.

"Then, I'll stay. But, you know…sex doesn't fix anything."

She was teasing him now, the mood considerably lighter.

Walt nodded slowly. She was inching closer to him on the couch, bridging the small gap that existed between them physically.

"I've heard."

She was up against him.

"It doesn't hurt anything either, though. Does it?"

Walt shook his head.

"Don't think so."

She bit her lip and ran her eyes over him.

"That all you have to say?"

His mouth was dry and his heart was pumping in his ears. It was a wonder he could even hear her. He wasn't sure he would ever get used to her looking at him the way that she was. After so much time wondering what it would be like to be with her, reality was hitting him hard. On some level, he worried that he might not be enough for her on a physical level. Vic was, after all, much more experienced than he was.

So far, she hadn't voiced any complaints. Still, he wondered over time if that might change.

"Walt?"

He pushed out a breath as she stood up and offered her his hand.

He pushed the thoughts from his mind as he took her hand. It was so soft under his. She wrapped her fingers around him and pulled him in an upwards direction. Walt stood and paused again, just looking at her.

She tilted her head and smiled.