Therapist: Welcome back, Amy! And this must be your better half?
Amy: What, is it you again? (Waves the CW Brochure at therapist.) Oy, I thought with this new BMW or CW or whatever it is we're called now…
(Silence)
Therapist: (Cheerily) Come in, come in. Let's sit over here. Daniel, is it?
Dan continues to look around nervously, especially when the therapist indicates that they are to sit on the couch. The therapist pulls up a chair next to the couch, not quite head-on.
Dan lies down on the couch, leaving about six inches for Amy.
Amy: Damn it, Danny, once again, you've only left a few inches for me. Don't you know that NO ONE lies down on a therapist's couch? Didn't you watch that episode where Rory…
Therapist: Um, no need to lay down, Daniel.
(Dan sheepishly sits up, and Amy sits down.)
Therapist: Um, no need to sit at opposite ends of the couch! You know that I'll take notes about that.
(Dan scoots over.)
Therapist: Just kidding! (Glances at clock on far wall, sets a timer on the coffee table.) So, I saw the show a few weeks ago…on Valentines.
Dan looks up, still nervous, still wringing his hands.
Amy beams.
Amy: Danny wrote that one!
Therapist: I have to say, a very bold move! You went all cliché on us. Totally cliché, so unexpected from you!
Amy: Well, uh...
Therapist: So Daniel, here's what we do here. We usually discuss something Amy's working on. Last week, we decided that your perspective would be good.
Dan: Oh.
Therapist: Well, see we've been discussing some of Amy's difficulty this year with the show. And now with the merger…and no contract…
Amy: Uh huh...
Therapist: And how her inability to remove her hat was a metaphor for the way she keeps things bottled up on the show.
Dan: (looks at Amy…) So THAT'S why you've been doffing the hat…
Amy: Doffing? I don't know no doffing.
Therapist: And we're making progress.
Amy: Yeah, we're making progress.
Therapist: So we've progressed to taking it off for at least 90 minutes a day on set?
Amy: My head gets cold. It's winter. I'm a girl from the Valley…
Therapist: And boy oh boy, we had payback in the Valentine's episode! Did we ever! I told you that if you'd only take off the hat, the words would come out too.
Amy: Words? What are you talking about? My scripts are always at least 80 per cent bigger than other shows.
Dan looks REALLY nervous now.
Therapist: Why, the 'I Love You's. Two of them. My my my, such a bonus.
Amy: What?
Therapist: Oh Amy, the words. He said the words. The words we were waiting for. My. my, my…
Amy (mumbles to Dan:) Why is she channeling Liz Torres doing Patty?
Therapist: Why, Luke--he had that whole male-avoidance thing going at first by saying 'You Know I love you', but then he flat out said it. 'I love you'. (Sighs.) So romantic. And on Valentines Day, Amy…what a gift! What a gift!
Amy: (glares at Dan) What?
Therapist: Oh Amy, don't be shy. Take credit where credit is due. What a wonderful scene you had there…
Amy: Uh, Dan?
Therapist: I'm sorry, is something wrong?
Amy and Dan, simultaneously: No!
Therapist: I think the hat trick has done its job. We finally got you to open up enough to have one of the main characters say 'I love you.' Well done!
(beams)
Therapist: And to do it on Valentines, how…original. Speaking of which, Daniel, what did you do on Valentines with Amy?
Dan: Well I played Xbox and made a pro-con list. I don't believe in made-up Hallmark holidays.
Therapist: Ah. So let's move on.
Amy (fiercely whispers to Dan:) I love you? Two of them? Who said you could do that?
Therapist: Is anything wrong? You do look a little pale, Dan.
Dan shakes his head and wrings his hands.
Therapist: Let's move on to some serious matters, however.
(shuffles files and papers.)
Therapist: As you know, your sessions here are an employer-paid benefit and as such, they can also refer you here if they have concerns. And, unfortunately, Standards and Practices has concerns.
Amy: Not the Rory slept with Dean thing again…
Therapist: No. It's Luke and April.
Dan: What?
Therapist: So you gave Luke a kid, but now I read here that you say it was a substitute for a love triangle. That's very disturbing to our censors.
(Looks at Dan for a long long time.)
Therapist: Daniel, tell me, are you familiar with the work of Nabokov?
Amy: I never went to college so I don't know no Nabokov…
Therapist: Amy, I asked Daniel.
Dan: 'Lolita', right?
Therapist: You are correct, sir! And does not 'Lolita' deal with a 12-year-old girl?
(Looks through notes from Standards and Practices.)
Therapist: They are very worried. Let me read to you:
'Our advertisers have notified us that the public has profound concerns about why you're having Luke treat April like she's a mistress. The advertisers are afraid that it will turn out that she's really not a daughter but a nymphet.'
Therapist: I could go on, but to sum up, the Luke character is displaying all the signs of a man keeping a mistress from his wife. For example, going to great lengths to keep the two characters apart, others being able to interact, etc. etc. etc. And Amy? Honestly, I have to tell you, this is exactly what I see in my work.
Amy (voice rising): Are they serious? I need a nine-story arc at a minimum to make a parallel with the Lorelai-Rory rift.
Therapist: (Waves notes.) They are. Very concerned. By the way, saw that little interview Lauren gave…And oh, Amy, here's another matter Standards and Practices is concerned about. A letter they received from the PETA people.
Amy: Danny never buys me gifts, no furs here…
Therapist: Amy. Do you have issues with turtles? I think we've discussed this before. The head hiding inside a shell, with your hat being the shell?
(Silence)
Therapist: Speaking of heads, Luke's hair during the 'I love You' scene? So fine. Anyhow, just be aware of the PETA thing. They don't like it when you equate turtles with girls. So anyhow…let's move on to…trust.
Amy: I thought I could trust you Danny. But now I hear that you snuck in not one, but TWO 'I Love You's. Behind my back.
Therapist: Oh oh. Not your idea, Amy?
Amy: Damn it to hell not.
Therapist: I sense a lot of anger.
Amy: Did Lorelai say it back?
Therapist: No. Daniel, maybe we need to discuss that…
Dan: Well, the merger has been stressful. Our new WB deal? Gone.
Therapist: I know how that goes. When Humana bought out…
Amy: Oy with the self-referential stuff already…
Therapist: Remember, I told you there's no guarantees. So. Let's see. Your article in Entertainment World?
Amy: Weekly.
Therapist: Ah. Entertainment Weekly. Explain to me what big-bam means.
Amy: You think I'm on the crack?
Therapist: Amy, Amy. We've discussed your drug references before. Are you?
Amy: What?
Therapist: A crack user?
Amy: (Fumes).
(Timer goes ding)
Therapist: Time's up. See you next Thursday. Be sure to go out the back door. And...
(Amy glares back at therapist from under the brim of the hat...)
Therapist: Trust and communication. The foundation of any good relationship. Maybe Daniel should come back next week.