The following is a transcript of the events which occurred between 02:00 and 03:00 PM...
Therapist:
So you're very upset by the results of the poll. TV Guide Online, you said?
Amy:
Yes. 17 per cent, only 17 per cent liked the turtle. Everyone else...
Therapist:
That would be 83 per cent...
Amy (growls):
Rub it in, why don't you...
Therapist:
So most people hate the fact that you've used a...bespectacled contrivance...to keep Luke and Lorelai apart.
Amy:
They're even writing poems about it...
Therapist:
No!
Amy:
Oh yeah. I thought they loved me, they really loved me, but they hate me...they really...
Therapist:
Amy, Amy. We talked about taking things personally.
Amy (indignant:
And then there's this!
Amy throws a stack of legal-sized paper onto the therapist's desk.
Therapist:
Hmmm. May I take a moment?
Amy:
You aren't going to charge me for this, are you?
Therapist resets clock. Of course not.
Ten minutes pass...ten anxious, toe-tapping minutes.
Therapist clears throat:
CIP v. ASP, et. al. May I read some of this aloud?
Amy nods.
Therapist:
MRS. DIONYSIUS O'GALL, ON BEHALF OF HERSELF AND ALL MEMBERS OF THE CIP (CRAZY INTERNET PEOPLE)
Plaintiffs, vs. ASP, DP, ET. AL.
Defendants CIVIL ACTION NO. 98-5518 SECOND AMENDED CLASS ACTION COMPLAINT AND DEMAND FOR JURY TRIAL
Amy:
I hate lawyers.
Therapist:
Individual and representative plaintiffs, Mrs. Dionysius O'Gall, on behalf of herself and all other members of the CIP, ("Plaintiffs"), and all other similarly situated organizations and individuals in the United States ("the Class"), allege the following:
NATURE OF THE ACTION For years, and continuing to date, the defendants--the 'Luke and Lorelai' relationship manufacturers ("Team P") and their trade associations and public relations and lobbying agents have engaged in a conspiracy to conceal from and to mislead and deceive CIPs including Plaintiffs and the Class and their participants, regarding the overwhelming evidence that the use of their products can cause serious addiction, that the Sacred Hipbone, the conversation on the park bench, the 'all in', the 'you bet', and other dangerous additives such as sighs, glances, along with the hotness that is SP and LG, are addictive. Furthermore, that Team P controls and manipulates the levels of Luke/Lorelai love in their products through the use of methods which are highly addictive.
Amy:
I did no such thing! I have a plan!
Therapist:
Please, let me continue:
For six seasons, Team P and their agents have known that their show is addictive due to the fact that they demanded the CIPs invest in this couple. Once habituated to this couple, CIPs and others, aka the general viewing public, must see the love to satisfy their cravings, and Team P's show, the Gilmore Girls, is nothing more than a delivery device for the dispensing of false hope. Team P and their agents have long known that withholding the successful culmination of the 'ship' is especially hazardous and harmful to the health of viewers by creating and causing increased risk for Internet addiction, alienation of affection from spouses, stress, high blood pressure, and other diseases. Team P and their agents have long known of the means of manufacturing and marketing a better, safer and less harmful storyline.
Amy:
My plan, my plan...
Therapist:
Team P promised CIPs as part of the American general public, that they should invest and root for Luke and Lorelai. Team P set up so-called "press" interviews, promising to fulfill these promises. For example: That one Christopher Hayden was there for Rory. Team P's promises were false.
Amy:
Ummm... Well...
Therapist:
Continuing...
Instead of disclosing their knowledge of their true intentions for Season 6, Team P willfully and intentionally conspired and combined to engage in a unified fraudulent and discriminating course of conduct and a campaign in restraint of the Luke and Lorelai love, including, but not limited to, the following: fraudulently promising to bring back Christopher just for Rory, fraudulently concealing and misrepresenting the toxicity and harmfulness of the turtle; knowingly disseminating false and misleading information about the Spring Wedding, and intentionally suppressing accurate information about these subjects; intentionally manipulating the viewers; targeting deceptive advertising campaigns at CIPs, including teenage children and minors.
Therapist:
What? From our previous sessions, this appears to all be true.
And the most egregious allegation of all: that somehow the storyline crossed into an Invasion of the Body Snatchers plotline, resulting in the podification of Luke Danes.
Amy:
Did you see what they want?
Therapist:
Hold on, hold on.
This is an action to obtain appropriate declaratory and injunctive relief against Team P's continuing heartbreaking conduct and for any other incidental relief that is equitable, just and proper including punitive damages on behalf of Plaintiffs and the Class of individuals who have been deprived of their joy, zen, and viewing pleasure.
First and foremost, Plaintiffs seek a permanent injunction to require Team P to restore the personality and essence of Luke Danes; to immediately cease and desist from manufacturing, selling and promoting other romances/weddings and targeting such defective products to CIPs; to return what is commonly known as "balls" or "moxie" to the character of Lorelai Gilmore, and to cease all attempts to rehabilitate Christopher Hayden.
Amy:
But I love David Sut...
Therapist:
This Court has federal subject matter jurisdiction over this action pursuant to Season 4 U.S.C. Sections 4.20, 4.21 and 4.22 and to blah blah etcetera etcetera and because this is an action by individuals and representative Plaintiffs who are citizens of different states than Defendants.
This Court also has federal subject matter jurisdiction over this action pursuant to Season 5 U.S.C. Sections 5.01, 5.03 and 5.22.
To be honest, I think you're screwed. There's not much I can do for you.
Amy:
They're even making me send in outlines now for the season finale! My plan, my plan...
Therapist:
Now, now. Remember Season 4?
Amy:
Oh yeah. I had such a great storyline planned. Luke would stay married to Nicole--hey, did you see our Nicole on that new Julia Old New Christine show--anyhow, and then he and Lorelai would end the season committing adultery!
Therapist:
What?
Amy:
Oh yeah. Then all Season Five, Lorelai would have to wear a Scarlet Letter A on her bosom. Get it? Adultery. Small New England town. Scarlet Letter. Hee.
Therapist:
Oy!
Amy:
Oy is right. Those evil network suits somehow thought the Luke/Nicole and Lorelai/Jason storylines were dragging the ratings into the sewers of Paris. So they forced me to bring Luke and Lorelai together.
Therapists:
The ratings went up, right?
Amy:
Ratings, schmatings. So I did win--I managed to brand Rory as an adulteress. Hee. Fooled them. Still had a Lorelai as adulteress. And then I had the turtle idea.
Therapist:
Uh, Amy...
There's a knock on the door. Two shadowy figures, one a man in a Brooks Brothers suit, the other a woman in Anne Klein, come in.
Amy:
Who the hell are you?
Therapist:
Amy, meet the suits.
Suits:
Amy, thou shalt amend the current storyline. Luke and Lorelai must move forward.
Amy:
No! My plan!
Suits:
Amy, the day of judgment, May 16.
(There's a flurry of activity.)
Therapist:
Hello, 911? Ummm...there was a woman in my office, and she suddenly spun around and around and disappeared, leaving only her hat on the ground...