I do not own anything in these stories. All rights go to the creator Chris Savino and the current showrunner, Michael Rubiner. The title of this chapter is a pun on the 1987 film "Three Men and a Baby."
It was the morning of Sunday, June 1, 1986. Summer has officially begun for everyone in Royal Woods, including Lori, her boyfriend Bobby and her son Lincoln who were all waking up and getting out of bed together.
"Ah, Sunday, June 1. School is out for summer, no more teachers, no more schoolwork, no more schoolbooks, nothing but freedom and fun for the whole summer!" Lori said happily to the viewers before she continued, "Oh, and we also want to bring up a little something I thought about for a while."
With that, Lori went and grabbed out a vintage "He-Man: Masters of the Universe" Chalkboard and draws something that she was thinking about for a long time. After a few moments, it reveals to be the Lincoln Torture Meter, showcasing how many times her son Lincoln was tortured.
So far, her son Lincoln has been tortured at least five times. The first time was in Lincoln the General when the bullies beat him up after school, the second time was in April Fools Rules where Luan acted like a psycho on April Fools Day, the third time was in Get the Message where Leni forced Lincoln out of her room and broke his game, the fourth time was in Save the Date where Leni nearly beat Lori and Lincoln up with the coffee table and almost sent them to the hospital, and the fifth time was in Space Invader where Lynn was Lincoln's roommate.
"This, here that I drew on this chalkboard, is the infamous Lincoln Torture Meter," Lori continued speaking to the viewers as she points her finger on the five tally marks, "These tally marks here showcase how many times my son gets tortured and abused by my sisters. So far, he has been tortured at least five times. But each time he gets tortured, it increases by one. And each time it increases by one, it makes me want to do something about the girls. But the worst part about it is... if the torture meter starts increasing rapidly, then my kids, my boyfriend and I will all be moving to find a new place to live."
Once Lori finished, she then places the vintage He-Man chalkboard up on the top of her dresser and continued, "But besides that, we're all glad summer is here. And it looks like now is the time to party!"
"HELLO, SUMMER!" Lori, Bobby and Lincoln all shouted as they start dancing with joy together before suddenly...
"RISE AND SHINE, KIDS! WE'RE GOING TO AUNT RUTH'S TODAY! YAY!" Rita called them which causes Lori, Lincoln and Bobby to stop dancing.
"Aunt Ruth's? Today?" Bobby, Lori and Lincoln all said in fear before they all screamed "AAAAHHHHHHH!"
"Oooh, visits to our great Aunt Ruth are absolute torture," Lori said to the viewers as a montage of all the things they do at Aunt Ruth's is shown, "She makes us look at a million pictures of her cats."
"This here, my good fellow friends, is one of my fellow kittens, Mittens in Egypt. We were going to visit the pyramids, but Mittens hates the heat," Ruth said as she cuddles Mittens, "Don't you, baby?"
It cuts to them eating something questionable.
"She also feeds us a ton of gross food," Lori said.
"Jesus Christ, when the hell was this pudding made?" Leni said bitterly.
"Seeing as this flag on the label only has 48 stars, I think it was probably made in 1958. Mom knows this kind of well," Lincoln responded.
"Ew!" the Loud Sisters said in disgust.
"I think you might be right, Lincoln," Lori agreed.
Cut to Lincoln wearing a surgical mask while cleaning out the cats' litter box.
"And she always singles my son out to do special chores for her and it's very gruesome in a way to make a few of her visitors sick," Lori narrated.
"And when you're done scooping, you can start rubbing these bunions. Don't forget my extra toe!" Ruth said as a sixth toe protrudes from her left foot and Lincoln cringes in disgust.
"Lucky," Lana said in bitterness.
"The only Louds who get to skip out on Aunt Ruth's are my daughter Lily and my father," Lori narrated as Lily pulls on one of Ruth's cats' tails.
End montage.
"Aunt Ruth really doesn't trust Lily around her cats. So my father stays home and takes care of my daughter which is hard for him because sometimes, Lily would wish that I was the one who looked after Lily instead. Lucky," Lori explained to the viewers before she gets an idea, "Wait a minute. That's it. Maybe the three of us can be lucky, too!"
"Are you sure about this, dear?" Bobby asked.
"Yeah, I think we can talk to the parents and do the job instead because we're Lily's mother and father," Lori said happily.
Meanwhile, in the living room, Lori, Bobby and Lincoln were talking with Lynn Sr.
"So, Bobby and I were thinking this time, why don't we and Lincoln all look after my daughter Lily so that my father can see Aunt Ruth for a change?" Lori asked when Lynn Sr. coughs in shock at the thought.
"Well now fellas, I couldn't deprive you of your time with your daughter, guys," Lynn Sr. said hesitantly, "And-and-and I'm not sure you're really ready to take care of Lily. Right? Right?"
"But guys, Lincoln's learned a ton about babysitting from me and Bobby and even Luna," Lori confessed.
"Yeah. Not to mention the real pros: you guys," Lincoln said.
"I think Lincoln and his parents have got a point, honey. And talk about a win-win. You'll get to spend the whole day with Ruthie!" Rita said when Lynn Sr. drops his coffee mug in despair.
With that, Luna hand Lily to Lori and then said, "Here you go, bros."
"Thanks, Luna," Lori said politely to Luna.
"Okay, Lori. It seems like you and Bobby and Lincoln are in charge of Lily while we're gone," Rita said to her, "All you three need to do is feed her, change her, and then put her down for a nap."
"Don't worry, mother! We'll do it fair and square," Lori responded bravely, "I'm always good at taking care of Lily! We won't let you down!"
With that, Lynn Sr. and the girls await the inevitable with Ruth.
"If I have to see that extra toe, so help me..." Lynn Sr. replied.
"You're lucky that you're staying out of this for once, you rotten twerp..." Leni said bitterly.
"It's not luck, Leni. It's strategy. Have a great day!" Lori explained.
"Yeah, good luck, Leni. You're gonna need it," Lincoln explained.
"Very well, then," Leni said quietly as she heads to the van, "Look out, Aunt Ruth. Here I come." Lincoln closes the door and he and Lori both play with Lily. Just then, Bobby comes to the living room.
"Hey, Lily. How are you doing today? Who's ready to take care of you?" Bobby asked happily.
"Mommy and Daddy!" Lily said happily as she giggles.
"That's right, Lily, Mommy and Daddy are gonna take good care of you," Lori said as she picked her daughter Lily up and held her in her arms and she giggled.
"We're all taking care of Lily together," Lincoln said.
"My mother says first thing, we gotta feed her," Lori said sweetly.
"Yeah, we gotta make sure we get it right," Bobby said to Lori.
"I hope we do," Lori said positively.
"Here, Dad. You and Mom put her in the highchair and I'll get her food," Lincoln said as he gives Lily to his father Bobby and mother Lori and checks the fridge.
"Hey, Lil. Are you ready for Mommy and Daddy to feed you?" Bobby said sweetly to Lily.
"Wiwy wove food," Lily said happily as Bobby places her into the highchair, ready to be fed some spaghetti and a bottle of milk.
"Lily, you sure are such an adorable little baby," Bobby said sweetly to Lily.
"Yeah. You surely are. Hey, Lincoln. You got her food yet?" Lori asked for Lincoln just as he finds Lily's baby food perfectly labeled which happens to be a bowl of pasta.
"Got it right here, Mom and Dad. It's ready for Lily to eat," Lincoln responded as he brings the bowl of spaghetti and bottle of milk for Lily.
"Wonderful. We're all set then," Lori said happily.
"Open up the hangar, Lily. Here comes the airplane," Lincoln prepared to feed Lily but Lily knocks the spoon out of his hand, "Okay, a little turbulence," and gives the food to his father, Bobby.
"Here, son. Let me try," Bobby tried but Lily gives him the same results, "It looks like she doesn't wanna eat," Bobby replied.
"She's just a baby, Dad. We can make her eat. I mean, how hard could it be?" Lincoln asked.
"Wait, I got it!" Lori said as she grabs the bowl and spoon, "Open up for your mommy, Lily. Here comes the airplane," she makes airplane noises and Lily responds by laughing, then she feeds Lily.
"Yummy! Wiwy wove waghetti!" Lily said happily.
"I'm glad Lily agreed with you, Mom. That was a big surprise for you," Lincoln said happily.
"Yeah, it's more like a shocker there," Lori said as she giggles.
"Baba! Baba!" Lily demanded.
"You want your baba, little sister?" Lincoln said sweetly as he gives her the "baba" and bottle feeds her, "There you go. Drink up, Lilster."
"Wow, Lincoln. How did you know that so fast?" Lori asked.
"Apparently, one day about ten months ago, you and I were reading in this book called "Food for Tot" that if you show the baby you like the food, she'll like it, too," Lincoln explained.
"Ohhh. Yeah, I think I see why now, Lincoln. Because it looks like you and I both do a great job bottle feeding her," Lori explained to Lincoln.
"Of course, if anything bad happens to you, boy, Lori and I will both take you to see Clyde's therapist," Bobby explained, "Clyde told me that her lobby has a great reading selection."
Later, the four were in the backyard together, enjoying the nice summer breeze, which smells far better than the smell at Aunt Ruth's.
"Ahhh. Nothing like a breath that's fresh like a summer breeze with very warm temperatures," Bobby said happily, "A perfect day to kick back, relax and beat that heat with an ice cold drink.
"I have to agree. I can feel the scorching sun shining down on us this afternoon," Lori said happily, "And I have to say, it's much better than scooping poop at Aunt Ruth's."
"I'm with you, Mom. This is a better time for us than having to do the great aunt's dirty work," Lincoln replied before suddenly, Lily begins to grunt and grimace and her face has turned a dark pink.
"Uh-oh, guys. I think something's wrong with Lily," Bobby explained.
"Oh, no," Lori said in fear as they come to Lily. They start to hear something erupt in her stomach.
"Oh, dear, Lily, are you okay?" Bobby asked.
"Oh no. I think a painful gurgle is erupting in her stomach," Lori said in fear as Lily was straining as something was going through her stomach.
"Poopie!" Lily said to herself.
"What?!" Lori asked.
"POOOOPIIIIE!" Lily screamed out before she lets it out and poops her diaper. The three are disgusted by the smell.
"Ewwwww!" they all said in disgust.
"Augh. Did Lily make a little stinky..." Bobby said disgusted.
"Whew! Smells like somebody needs a diaper change," Lori said sweetly but still disgusted by the smell.
"Come on, Mom and Dad. Let's change her," Lincoln replied to them as he picked up Lily.
Meanwhile, the family of three plus Lily were now in Lily and Lisa's room. Lily was on the changing table wearing just her blue shirt and her usual diaper which was now filled with poop.
"This shouldn't be too bad, Mom and Dad. I've seen our sisters do it a million times," Lincoln said before Lily farts in his face and Lincoln was disgusted by the fart, "Oh, God. That is a wretched smell!"
"Lincoln! Are you all right, boy?" Bobby asked in fear.
"Oh god... this odor I smell is horrendous and just sickening," Lincoln said in disgust.
"Let me try. I'll do what's best to make this diaper change perfect," Bobby said as he prepares to go in but Lily farts in his face, too, "Ahhh! Smells terrible there! Only my dear sweet Lori would handle this level of messiness."
"Not to worry, my darling. I'll do it for you," Lori said politely as kisses Bobby in the cheek before she steps up to the changing table to prepare the diaper change, placing the fresh diaper, baby powder and wipes right next to her, "Watch and learn as Mommy changes her," she proceeds to change the diaper, starting with her removing the straps on both sides of the diaper. She then opens it up to reveal that Lily indeed took a massive dump in the diaper. Lori is shocked by the massive amount of poop in the diaper, "Aaaughhh!"
"Wow, Mom. It does smell terrible!" Lincoln said, holding his nose.
"I know, Lincoln. But it's a good thing that we've got plenty of wipes here at the changing table," Lori responded nervously as she removes the very dirty diaper and then rolls it up and places it aside from the fresh diaper, wipes and baby powder.
"Hee hee hee, Mommy," Lily said happily as she giggles.
"That's right, Wiwy. Mommy's changing you right now," Lori said sweetly as she wipes Lily up good and clean with a couple of fresh wipes.
"Wow, Lori. You seem to be very good at changing a baby," Bobby said softly.
"That's right, honey, I am good at changing babies," Lori said sweetly, "Lincoln especially because it's always a part of everyday life when taking care of a baby."
"You know, Mom? It pays for you to have a sister whose hobby is nuclear physics," Lincoln said.
"Yep, you said it, Lincoln," Lori said as she takes the fresh diaper and opens it up and places it under Lily's legs. She then takes the baby powder and sprinkles it onto Lily's privates. She then takes the front part of the diaper and proceeds to put the diaper on Lily. She then closes the fastens the tabs on both sides to help keep the diaper on, "There we go, Lily. We're all set and ready," she picks Lily up and hands her to Bobby, "Here, honey. Why don't you hold him and I'll throw the dirty diaper away," Lori then picks up the dirty diaper with her hands, which brought out a very revolting smell. She then went up to the garbage can and place the dirty diaper in the bin. Lori then wipes her hands good and clean, "All in a day's work."
Later, out in the hallway...
"Well, that diaper change was disgusting," Bobby said in disgust.
"That's true, but you know, Dad? At least I'm not buffing bunions at the dreaded Aunt Ruth's," Lincoln replied.
"Well, at least we were able to handle it well. And I got it done perfectly fine," Lori said before her daughter Lily yawns.
"Uh-oh. I think it's somebody's nap time," Bobby said.
"I think you might be right, Dad," Lincoln responded.
"There, there, Lily. Mommy's gonna put you down for a nap," Lori said as they went downstairs to the living room where she put Lily down for a nap and she reads her a bedtime story, "Long ago, in a faraway land, there lived a beautiful family who ruled a mighty kingdom..." and Lori continued to read the story to Lily and Lily starts to fall asleep, "...and so the brave boy Lincoln saved both Ronnie Anne and Jordan from the all mighty dragon and they all lived happily together for many years to come," and they notice Lily has fallen asleep, "Works every time."
"Shhh. Let's be quiet now. Lily's asleep," Bobby whispered.
"Yeah. I think we should," Lori whispered.
"So, Mom and Dad, what do you think we should do now?" Lincoln whispered.
"Why don't we watch some TV together?" Lori whispered.
"Sure thing, fellas," Bobby whispered.
Bobby and Lori have both reminded Lincoln of Lily's nap. Lori then grabs out the remote and puts on some great Looney Tunes cartoons on syndication from the 1950's on an old RCA console television. For a while, they enjoy the Looney Tunes cartoons until the moment when a scary cartoon called "Hyde and Go Tweet" came on. While they were watching the scary cartoon, Tweety comes onto the TV as a Mr. Hyde-esque monster. The sight of Tweety Hyde makes the family of three scream and Lily wakes up crying from her nap being disturbed.
"Oh no," Lori said in shock.
"It's okay, Lily. Go back to sleep," Lincoln said in fear, "Mom, do you and Dad know how to help her get back to sleep?"
"Here, Lincoln. I'll do it," Lori said sweetly as she picks up Lily and starts to sing to her, which leads her to stop crying and start falling asleep again.
"Hush little Lily, don't say a word, Mommy's gonna buy you a mockingbird"
"And if that mockingbird don't sing, Mommy's gonna buy you a diamond ring"
At this moment, Lily is now asleep again.
"That was great, dear. You've really got it," Bobby commented.
"I sure do, honey," Lori said when suddenly, her phone goes off and gets it out of her shorts pocket and sees who is calling, "It's my mother," she picks up and answers the phone, "Hello.
"Hi, Lori. How's everything going?" Rita asked on the phone.
"Everything's going perfectly as planned. I fed her, changed her and put her down for a nap," Lori said happily to the phone.
"Wow. I must be impressed," Rita said on the phone.
"And I had help from my son Lincoln and boyfriend Bobby. They're both picture-perfect relatives to me. So, anything else you would like us to do while you're with your aunt Ruth?" Lori asked on the phone.
"I was thinking you would take her to the park in the meantime. Maybe get some fresh air out there," Rita suggested on the phone.
"Okay, mother. Thanks for the tip. See you later," Lori said as she ends the call and puts her phone back in her pocket, "Well, guys? Are we ready to go to the park?"
"Sure," Bobby responded.
"Yeah, Mom. Dad and I are in on it," Lincoln agreed.
They all went outside and headed on over to Ketcham Park. When they arrived and let Lily out of her stroller, she sees other babies around the park.
"Wow, Lori, you know all this stuff!" Bobby said to her happily, "I wonder if you read "Take a Walk On the Child Side."
"It sure is going to be a fun time here," Lori said relaxingly while Lincoln takes Lily to the sandbox.
"Okay, Lily, have fun with your little friends. Your mom, dad and I will all be right over there watching you," Lincoln said before he and Bobby fall asleep on a park bench. Lori, however kept herself awake keeping her eyes on the baby.
"Hey, Lily. Mommy's got a bottle for you," Lori said sweetly as she grabs a bottle, "Let's get you fed up so you can..." but she realizes that Lily has wandered off and is crawling away. Lori had no other choice but to rush over to Lincoln and Bobby and wake them up, "Lincoln! Bobby! Lily's on the loose!"
Lily crawls over to the Merry-Go-Round. Bobby tries to catch her, but a boy spins him around so hard, he flies off and hits a tree. Lily is swinging on the baby swings and Lincoln is swinging on one as well to try to catch her. She flies off her swing and lands softly on the sandbox and crawls off to the big kid playground. She crawls across a bridge, goes down a pole, and slides down the blue tube slide while Lincoln thinks she went down the red one. Lori and Bobby go down the red tube slide and crash into Lincoln. Lily crawls into the baby tunnel and Lincoln sees she stopped in the middle of it.
"Hey, kids! Wait your turn!" Bobby shouted while blocking a bunch of other babies from entering.
Lincoln goes in and grabs Lily, "Gotcha!"
But Bobby can't hold the other babies back.
"THIS IS NOT POLITE, KIDS!" Bobby shouted before the babies crawl and push the family out of the tube and Lily is caught in the pile of babies.
"Lily!" Lincoln shouted as he and Lori both grab the baby.
"Come on, Lily. We gotta get you home," Lori said to the baby.
Back at the Loud House, the three hose themselves off once again.
"Well, that was a nightmare," Lincoln said exhaustingly.
"Yeah, but it still beats eating moldy pudding at Aunt Ruth's," Lori said before the baby starts crying and she takes notice of it, "Ummmm... guys. I don't mean to say this but... is there something different about Lily?"
The baby has more hair than Lily and no eyelashes. His pacifier is a different color, too. The boys and girl then realize...
IT'S NOT LILY!" Lori and Bobby and Lincoln all shouted in unison and they look again, "WE TOOK THE WRONG BABY!"
Suddenly, Lori gets a call and sees who it is, "Oh no! It's Mom! They're on their way home! Come on! We better go get Lily now!"
The boys and girl all hurry back to the park to get Lily and bring the baby they took back to his real parents. The stroller breaks loose and goes down a hill and they chase after the stroller only for it to come down toward them on another hill, going back and forth between chasing the stroller and being chased by it until it finally comes to a complete stop.
"There was probably a better way to do that," Lincoln said in fear as they get back to the park and look for Lily.
"Where is your daughter, Lori?" Bobby asked in fear.
"I have no idea, honey!" Lori said in fear.
"She must be around here somewhere!" Lincoln said as they check other parents' babies' strollers.
"Sorry!" Lincoln shouted.
"Sorry, my bad!" Bobby shouted.
"Sorry, I'm in a rush here!" Lori shouted.
"Cute kid!" Lincoln replied as he spots Lily, "There! That must be her!" A man is taking Lily into his car.
"WAIT! STOP!" They all shouted as Lincoln faceplants on the windshield and scares the guy.
"Excuse me, sir. I believe this belongs to you," Bobby said as he and Lori return the baby. The man looks in the rear view mirror and sees Lily waving at him.
"Damn it! I always do this!" the unnamed man responded.
The three finally get Lily back home and put her in her baby carrier and they are exhausted.
"Phew. What a day! That did not go as I expected. But you know what? We still win, 'cause I got out of going to Aunt Ruth's. Strategy!" Lincoln said exhaustingly.
"Me too, dear. Trips to her are such total misery and torture," Lori said exhaustingly.
"I don't get why they're back yet," Bobby said exhaustingly.
"Maybe they just aren't used to visiting their aunt Ruthie, honey," Lori said despondently.
"Who am I kidding, Mom and Dad? This was no better at all," Lincoln said dejectedly.
"Hey, cheer up, hon. I know it may have been less disgusting. But at least your father and I was able to get the job done," Lori said softly to Lincoln.
"Gee, thanks Mom but I'm just feeling kind of miserable right now," Lincoln said despondently
"Who knew taking care of a baby was so much work besides me and dear Lori?" Bobby asked before suddenly...
"Well, I would know more than anyone."
They look to see Rita who just opened the door. Everyone else was walking in exhausted from their visit with Aunt Ruth. The only one who seems to have had a good time was Lana who is eating the moldy pudding. Rita then sat down on the recliner near them, "Believe me since I've raised nine kids already and may have more. Raising children is hard work and can really tear you apart if your not ready. But it is rewarding at the end," Rita said as she smiles when she sees Lily sleeping in the carrier and Lori, Bobby and Lincoln all looked and smiled seeing how adorable she looked.
"Awwwwwww."
"That's right. Also imagine how she will be when she grows up. One of the thrills is not knowing how they will turn out," Rita replied, "That's why you need to be sure you raised them right. I feel that my husband and I did a good job and we still remember how it was with you and the others when they were babies."
"Look, we get it. At least by the next time we take good care of her, we'll know what to expect," Lori responded.
"I'll still help dear Lori since it's the right thing to do," Bobby explained.
"Boy, if only Ronnie Anne were here to see this," Lori said to herself.
"Yeah, she would be really surprised if she heard about this whole thing," Bobby commented.
"Well, I'm literally too tired to deal with you both and your kids right now," Leni said exhaustingly.
"Not to worry, Leni. Why don't you take a little rest on the couch?" Lori suggested as she takes Leni to the couch and lies her down on one of the couch pillows.
"Thanks, Lori. Now I just need to rest my head before dinner's ready," Leni said exhaustingly.
"Guys, are you still able to take Lily up to her room?" Rita asked as Lori picked Lily up.
"I think so if that's the last thing that Mom and I need to do," Lincoln informed.
"Come on, Linc. Let's carry her up to her crib," Lori said as they carry the sleeping Lily upstairs and see their other siblings retreating to their rooms with Bobby in Lori's room. She and Lincoln then come up to Lisa and Lily's room, where Lisa is preparing to check the cameras, "Oh, hey Lis. Whatcha doing?"
"I'm looking to see if something happened in there during a diaper change," Lisa responded.
"Not to worry, Lis. I was able to handle it perfectly," Lori replied.
"Hmmm. Interesting. No fecal matter left on the floor. Baby was cleaned up perfectly fine. Diaper was tossed into the trash can. I have to say, that change went along smoothly," Lisa said to herself.
Lori then placed her daughter, Lily inside her crib. Lincoln then kissed her on the cheek and patted her on the head. Before the two went back to Lori's room, they hear Lily trying to say something in her sleep.
"Mmmm...Wincoln...Mommy..."
The two couldn't help but smile and tear up a little. They then went to Lori's room where their boyfriend/father was residing.
"Well, I think we now see what she meant to us. If this is what it means to take care of children, then I should expect something like this," Lori explained to the viewers, "It's very hard but it's rewarding in the end and hearing my daughter Lily say our names almost makes it worth all the work around here pretty much," she and her son Lincoln both passed out on her bed the second she finished the sentence. Lana then came in Lori's doorway, finding out that Lily said their names in her sleep.
"She said their names? Boy, that's lucky," Lana replied softly before she then left the doorway.