A/N: This chapter contains rumored spoilers for the Season Six Finale.
On a sunny spring morning on the Warner Brothers lot in Burbank, a pink-clad show creator strode into a conference room. Boss, some call her; others refer to her as The Queen. All, including TV Guide critics, whose work is read by more people than watch the Creator's show, tremble before her.
As she approached the conference table, the woman adjusted her tall Lincoln-esque hat as she pulled up a chair at the head of the table. She surveyed the room, looking at the large collection of persons seated not only around the table, but on folding chairs on the periphery of the room.
To her left, #82, the writer closest to her, leaned over and admired the pin on her shirt.
"Nice brooch, Boss," she timidly complimented. "Is that a snake?"
The Queen fingered the diamond-encrusted bijou. "Why yes," she stated, "how observant of you. It's an asp."
"An asp?" #82 inquired.
"Yeah. Vipera aspis zinnikeri. They're so Pow! Bang! Ouchy cool! They lie in wait for approaching prey. Then they pounce! That's the Pow! That's the approach I like to use for the show. I build characters up. See, then Bang! They grab and bite the prey, then release it."
#82 looked very concerned and uncomfortable, but the Queen continued.
"Yeah, so then Bang! I take 'em down. And these critters, they wait several minutes for it to stop moving; then Ouch! Go for the kill. And that's what I do with Luke and Lorelai."
The Queen frowned. "And who the hell are you? You new here?"
"Uh, no. I wrote episode number…"
"Yeah, yeah." She fingered the brooch.
"Say Boss, isn't that," #82, with renewed confidence pointed at the brooch, "what Cleopatra used…"
"Yeah. Right on her boobs. An asp. Deadly viper."
The Queen interrupted everyone, tapping her pencil on the edge of the table and looked around impatiently. "Where the hell is he?" she muttered, turning to the door after noticing the empty chair to her right.
And even as she turned, the conference room door opened, and in strode a nervous man.
"It's the Queen's Consort," #80 informed #82 as the man took his place next to the Queen. "Welcome to the writers' room. I'm…"
"#80…" she said, adjusting her numbered baseball cap. "What's the deal with this 'Consort'?" she murmured.
#80 whispered back, "That's DP, er, #2. He's chief minion to the Queen, #1. They're m-a-r-r-i-e-d."
#82 continued her questioning. "What is the deal with these hats? I've never worked on a show where I was reduced to a number…"
#80 was forced to respond with just an admonishing "Shh…", for the Queen looked around the conference table, then leaned over and loudly whispered to her Consort, seated to her right. "Who the hell is that at the end of the table?" She pointed her pencil in a stabbing motion towards a woman at the far end.
"Dunno," the Consort answered.
"Well, I need to know." Her voice was slowly rising. "People, this is a creative meeting. Creative, as in executive producers, co-producers, consulting producers, assistant producers, associate producers, head writers, writers and story editors. No one else. Anyone else, get outta here!"
"Don't forget the just plain old regular producers," #3, a diminutive Korean woman added.
The Queen beamed at #3.
The Consort read a note that had been passed to him. "She's a new hire. C. Faery."
The Queen looked at her notes, rifling through the pages until she found what looked like a baseball roster. Making a note, she scribbled, then said, "#85 it is. Toss her a hat."
The Consort reached under the table, pulled out the next hat from atop a stack of numbered ball caps, and handed it to the Queen, who tossed it across the long table.
The new hire hesitated a second before donning the hat. "#85? But I'm Conti Faery…" she whispered to no one in particular.
"Okay, now that we have that settled, let's get started." The Queen sighed. "First, let's talk contracts. I believe all the pretty boys are signed now for next year. So we'll be going with my plan for next season. OK, where did we leave off on Friday?"
"Boss, we decided that we want to go with a breakup." #72, midway down the table, reminded the group. "Just like you suggested."
"Good good. Episode title?"
"Umm, 'Here We Go Again.' We all thought it was really catchy. Also there's a song by 'NSync that fits with it, you know, with the new pre-teen demos over at the CW…"
"Plus," the Consort interjected, "it will drum up speculation with the CIPs on the Internet."
"Yeah," the Queen giggled, "Look how they ate up that Gwen and Gavin title"
She turned serious. "Storyline?"
The Consort shifted uncomfortably. "Oh, well, I'm sure that once we settle on an episode title…"
"And the anvils," #80 contributed.
"And the parallels," someone else in the room added.
"Then any one of us can write the teleplay around the anvils, parallels and title."
"Alrighty then, let's hear what you got."
#75 cleared his throat. "So Boss, we were thinking, we need a breakup. Because that's so unexpected. Plus, there's a problem. Weddings are good business for the ratings and you've…I mean Luke's so messed up right now, that we need to postpone the wedding to the fall, 'cause no one would believe it now."
"Good idea, good idea. Maybe that will drive the ratings up so high, I'll get a big bonus."
"But still, you promised the fans a wedding, and the internet is abuzz with how you cheated them with a Lane/Zach wedding," the Consort explained, glaring at #3. "Stop it, Hel…" he said, sotto voce, then leaned down and rubbed his shins.
"Well let's give them what they want. Let Lorelai get married."
There was stunned silence in the room.
The Queen cackled. "Lorelai. Married. Get it? We'll have the Third Lorelai marry. Rory. She'll come full circle as the new and improved Gail Gregg, I mean, Lorelai. Details, people?"
#75 continued his pitch. "The episode could focus on a Rory/Logan elopement and a Luke/Lorelai breakup. Maybe she can give him back his ring…"
"No, we aren't gonna show that…"
#75 continued. "And Luke can have some sort of secret to make it plausible. Like a secret wedding. Maybe he was married to Anna and never got divorced. He can't deal, so he cracks."
"Never work," the Consort explained. "We already used a married Luke device. He couldn't get divorced if he was already a bigamist."
Nonplussed, #75 continued. "How about a chemical imbalance in Luke's brain? He did mention one for Rory last season…"
"That might work, but…we'd be beholden to Big Pharma," the Consort noted. "How about we focus on Luke's 'table for one' and Lorelai's 'emotional baggage'? Luke and Lorelai can talk…"
There was an audible series of gasps in the room. "You, you want to do an episode that focuses on...Luke and Lorelai?" The Queen looked aghast. "Where they actually…talk?"
Everyone in the room held their collective breaths. Only the Consort dared speak of such things to the Queen.
Seeing the Queen frown, the Consort thought better of his suggestions and conceded, "Okie-dokie. Mark that one down as a definite probably not, er, definite not."
"How about let's go back to the breakup…" the Queen suggested.
"Not a bad idea," the Consort conceded, "the actors love that stuff and the fans, they just eat up the emotions and the makeup kisses."
"Oy to the vey," the Queen sighed in increasing exasperation. "Don't you people know that Luke and Lorelai are the marquee couple of this show? Forget it people, they've already hit their allotted quota of kisses, romantic gestures, conversations, touching, gazing…all that relationship crap, for the entire run of the show. Geez, I let you put the 'I love you' in the Valentines episode, what more do you want?"
"What if we have Rory and Logan break up again?" another writer suggested. "After all, it is kind of strange that a smart kid like Rory, a feminist, would put up with someone who was sleeping around like that."
The Queen stared at him for at least one minute, before putting the kibosh on the idea. "We did their breakup already. Besides, I like Matt."
"And David…" the Consort snickered bitterly under his breath.
The ensuing silence was silent indeed for such a large group of people.
The Queen decided to take charge. "By Shonda Rhimes and Ron Moore and all that is unholy, I asked you people to do your homework over the weekend." She contemplated her pencil for a moment. Look, I guess we'll go with an elopement for Rory and a breakup for Lorelai. It'll be fabulous!" she crowed as she fingered the asp on her chest. "Now, this way we have options for the season opener. I get a new deal, Rory's elopement stops and Luke and Lorelai get back together; no deal, and we string out Luke and Lorelai to the end of next season, and have Lorelai open a daycare for that cute little GiGi kid at the Inn."
#82 timidly stepped in. "Hey, not a bad idea, Boss. Sookie's kids could go to the daycare as well…"
"I smell SPIN-OFF!" the Consort cried out.
"Make a note of that Danny," the Queen directed her Consort. "Now, let's continue talking finale. You all know just how important story continuity and small details are to me."
At that, C. Faery, #85, perked up. "Ma'am?" she timidly began.
The person next to her prompted her. "It's 'Queen' or 'Boss'."
"Ok, Boss," #85 started over again.
"Who's 85?" the Queen hissed at the Consort.
The Consort pointed out her name on the roster. "Just hired. See: name is Conti N. Faery…"
"Yeah, what about it, #85?"
"Uh, well you said continuity is very important. I made up an Access database this weekend in preparation for this meeting."
"Finally, a kid who does her homework!" The Queen positively glowed with approval.
#85 continued. "I can generate reports on all the anvils and parallels and which ones have been used and when."
"Sock it to me, 85," the Queen requested.
"OK. Top ten breakup anvils in Seasons Six." #85 cleared her throat. "These are not sorted in any order. We have:
1. No life-changing decisions without Lorelai
2. Luke can screw up the relationship a lot of ways
3. Roof rant: people newspapers who get married thinking life is gonna turn out the way they think it will: suckers
4. The truth pact
5. What else is he hiding? Why doesn't he trust me?
6. Lorelai replacing Rory with a dog
7. Lorelai turning off the answering machine when Chris calls
8. The Luke fight in front of Sookie and Jackson
9. The Valentines' gift fiasco
10. Lorelai sending Luke off to go camping by himself."
The Queen was smiling gleefully. "Damn, I'm good. Go on, #85…"
"And here are the top-ten marriage anvils:
1. He said yes
2. Kids would be nice
3. Renovating the house
4. Matching jogging suits
5. Rory introducing Luke as her future stepfather
6. Just Like Gwen and Gavin
7. The Perfect Wedding falling into place
8. Luke upset about the date not being set
9. Luke praising Lorelai for giving him time
10. I love you and we will get married and have lobster…"
#85 was in tears. She couldn't go on.
"Oh for Pete's sake!"
"I um also have a list of Rory/Logan anvils and there are like just a couple of them, and they don't even go back as long as Luke and Lorelai." #85 could not maintain her composure. "I'm sorry…" she sobbed, "it's just that I thought this was dramedy, not a tragedy, and I feel that we're writing Lorelai to be the female Job of the twenty-first century."
"LOVE that idea!" the Queen stated. "Feminist Job for the new Millennium. She don't need no man. Breakup it is, then…"