This will be the last entry for this story until after the New Year. Don't worry, I'll be back to posting the first week of January. Everyone stay safe and enjoy the holiday season.
Ch. 30: we know how this goes
Walt gave her a long look. He was already on edge. Her declaration was only making it worse. He hadn't meant to scare her. He was just afraid of losing her the way he almost had before.
"How…how do you mean?"
Vic tilted her head.
"I mean this…waiting for the other shoe to drop. Living in constant fear. I am so tired of feeling like a victim."
He wasn't entirely sure how to respond. He understood her point of view. But, she was a victim whether she liked it or not. Walt did recognize pointing that out might not be the best course of action just then.
"So…what do you want to do?"
Walt posed the question even though he was afraid of the answer. His biggest fear was that she would move her RV back to the trailer park. If she insisted, what could he really do about it? He couldn't force her to stay here. He really couldn't force her to do anything. Nor did he want to.
Her eyes stayed on his. Her rattled nerves seemed to have calmed somewhat since he first pulled up and found her with Henry. She took a breath.
"I need you to ease up."
He absorbed her words.
"Ease up?"
"Yes. Walt, you can't be freaking out all the time when you're worried about something."
"I didn't freak out."
He wasn't sure he'd ever done anything that fit such a description.
Vic gave him a look that clearly disagreed with his self-assessment.
"Yeah, you did."
Her voice was soft. Walt shifted on his feet and let his eyes wander the landscape. She seemed to sense the uncertainty in him. She was good at that. Vic touched his arm to draw his attention back to her. Once his eyes connected with hers again, she motioned for him to follow her.
"Let's go inside for a few minutes."
Walt felt dread at her request. They needed to both be at work. Technically, he was already working. It was looking like Vic was going to be late getting into the office. Not that it was any fault of her own. He dipped his face and did as she asked.
Once they were inside, Vic walked into the kitchen. Walt was left with no choice but to follow her. She dumped out coffee he assumed was cold by now and poured herself a fresh cup.
"Want some?"
"Sure."
He waited while she retrieved a second cup and filled it up for him. Truth be told, he could definitely use some coffee. His early morning wake up call and the fact that he rushed back out here had prevented him from having any yet. Vic passed him the cup, which he took and sipped from immediately. It tasted as good as it smelled. The simple act of having coffee with her as though it were any other morning was making him feel less apprehensive.
Maybe that was her goal.
Vic turned to face him and leaned on the counter with her coffee cup in hand.
"Do you understand what I'm saying?"
He did and he didn't.
"I'm sorry I scared you. I just…"
His voice trailed off. She seemed to understand.
"I know. And, it's okay. But…I just can't keep going through this over and over. There's a difference between living in fear and being ready for something. You know…"
She paused.
"…I can take care of myself."
She could. He knew that. She was armed and trained. She had saved his life just as much as he saved hers. She wasn't some helpless damsel in distress.
"I know that."
"Do you really?"
She sounded genuinely curious.
"Yes."
"Then trust me."
The words hung between them momentarily. Walt took a long drink of the coffee in spite of the fact that it was hot and burned his mouth. It was more to buy himself some response time.
"I do trust you. But…"
"No buts, Walt. We don't know what Derek Gilbert plans to do next. Or any of that crew. Hell, maybe they don't plan to do anything other than try and scare me. But, I can't keep going like this. It's just…it's too much. I know that you worry about me…"
"I do."
He broke in unintentionally.
Her expression softened.
"I know because I worry about you. Probably more. But…we have to find some balance here."
Her words were steady and she seemed to know what she wanted.
"Balance?"
"Yes. I know what you're afraid of. I'm afraid of the same thing. I know how I was before when you kept going off on your own and risking your life. The thought of losing you is…you know how it is."
He did. He also knew how deep that fear ran in her and why.
"Yep."
"But, you are the one who keeps reminding me that we don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. We don't know where all this is going. But, I don't want to keep living every day in fear. That's not really living."
Walt felt something in his chest tighten. She had come a long way since the day he brought her home from the hospital after her shooting. Even since they became intimate. It was heartening. She was healing. Whether she recognized that or not, she was starting to move forward in a way she hadn't been able to before.
"I know. But…I don't think you should move back…"
She shook her head and he stopped.
"I'll stay here, Walt. But, we can't keep acting like I might die at any second. Or you for that matter. What we have is the here and now. We need to live that. I don't…"
She sighed.
"…I don't want to have any regrets later on."
There were plenty regrets between them both already.
"Okay."
A slight smile pulled at her.
"That's it?"
He nodded.
"I understand what you're saying. And…you're right."
Her smile widened and she placed her cup on the counter behind her. Reaching out, she touched his chest with her fingertips.
"We should go to work."
xxx
Her conversation with Walt felt like some full circle moment. If that was really a thing. She remembered sitting on his porch the first morning they were together expressing doubt as to whether or not they should even attempt this due to her deeply rooted fear of losing him. The fear was not misplaced. By that point, she'd already lost so much. Losing Walt would have been the proverbial straw. In that moment, she wouldn't have survived it. It was possible she still wouldn't.
But, time was a funny thing as it passed by. She knew Walt didn't fear his own death. He had made that painfully clear more than once, frequently in gut wrenching fashion. He did fear losing her. She knew that. It mirrored her own fear of losing him. Up to a point, he was just better at keeping it under control. Walt was deeper into his own personal journey through loss. He knew it was something that could be gotten through. Maybe not fully intact.
She noticed, though, that changed as they waded deeper into this relationship. He had always taken her safety seriously. He was never willing to put her directly into danger by his own admission. Lately, that protectiveness seemed amplified. It was hard to find fault since she wasn't much better when it came to him putting his own life at risk. Much in the way that he assured her, she was learning to live with the fear. Controlling it as opposed to it controlling her.
There was satisfaction to be found in being on a more even keel. She felt more like her old self. The one that would never fully exist again. She knew that some part of her had died off, been taken away. There wasn't anything she could do about that. All that was left was to move forward. Walt made that easier. She could admit that.
The idea that she was the voice of reason was humorous.
Even under the best of circumstances, she rarely achieved that.
Vic sat at her desk and looked out the window. Life carried on just as it always did. Late morning was pushing into early afternoon. The lunch crowd would be out and about soon, rushing off to grab a bite to eat before returning to work and their daily grind.
She turned her attention away from the window and glanced around the office. Ruby was working quietly. Ferg and Zach were out. Ferg had taken the newer deputy under his wing. It was yet another moment that was a long time in the making. It wasn't all that long ago that Ferg was the least experienced. Now, he was working with Zach, teaching him.
Walt was in his office with the door partially closed. Every once in a while, she heard him move around. He hadn't come out in a while. There wouldn't be many more days like this one. Days where Walt sat in his office working. There were less days left for him to be Sheriff. Each day was one more day down. It was such an odd thought. He seemed like such a vital piece of this office. She supported him, of course. She was part of the reason he reached this decision. She knew that. There was no reason to pretend otherwise. There were other factors as well. According to Walt, retirement had been on his mind since the last election.
How did that seem so far away now?
There was so much change happening and more on the horizon. She should be well adapted to it. She certainly experienced her fair share over the last few years. But, she was growing tired of it. She wanted some stability. She craved it really. After the upheaval of everything she knew back in Philadelphia, the move that spanned more than half the country, the breakdown and dissolution of her marriage, the loss of a pregnancy that she hadn't been entirely sure she wanted until it was too late. It was all wearing her down.
At this point, she could go a while without any life altering events raining down on her.
Yet, here she was with Walt, who wanted her to move in with him. More change.
What would follow that? How far would he want to take this? Would he want to marry her? What would she ultimately want from all of this? There were more questions than answers when it came to thinking about her future. It was overwhelming and gave her a massive headache.
But, she couldn't put it off forever.
To his credit, Walt had been mostly patient with her.
Mostly.
Much more patient than she had been with herself.
"Vic?"
She snapped out of her thoughts to find the very subject of those musings looking at her with a mix of curiosity and concern.
"Hmm?"
"You alright?"
Vic blinked.
"Yeah."
"Do you want to get some lunch?"
Her forehead creased as she looked at the cell phone that was face up on her desk. She reached out and tapped the screen and revealed the time. Vic took a breath. Nearly thirty minutes had passed while she sat her lost in her own thoughts.
Maybe Ruby hadn't been wrong a while back. Maybe she was picking up some of Walt's less desirable traits.
She stood suddenly and Walt stepped back.
"Sure."
His eyes stayed on her as she tucked her phone into her pocket and pulled at the cuffs of the thermal shirt she wore under her uniform shirt. It wasn't cold exactly. But, summer was giving way to fall and it wasn't exactly easing out. The days were cooler now, the nights cold.
Reaching around, she adjusted her cuffs on her belt as she started for the door with Walt behind her. He waited until they were on the stairs to voice the worry she saw in his eyes. Worry that she was the subject of.
"Everything okay?"
"Yeah."
He might have been convinced if she hadn't lapsed into short answers.
Outside, she looked around. The sky overhead was blue. She could feel Walt beside her on the sidewalk.
"Busy Bee?"
Walt nodded, the brim of his hat shading his eyes.
"Sure."
She started walking with Walt pacing himself with his longer strides.
"Something wrong?"
Vic shook her head.
"No. I was…just thinking."
"About?"
She huffed out a non-existent laugh.
"Be easier to tell you what I wasn't thinking about."
xxx
She was distracted and she didn't pretend otherwise. It was obvious that she was lost in thought when he emerged from his office to find her staring off into space. He'd said her name twice before she responded to him. Quiet wasn't Vic's most natural state. But, she was given to more periods of silence since she'd been shot. The mood came and went.
She was quiet on the way to lunch, insisting that she was fine.
Of course.
They beat the largest part of the lunch crowdy since it was still early. Not quite noon. Vic bypassed the counter and took a seat at a small table with two chairs over by the way across from the windows that looked out onto the street.
Dorothy appeared with a smile to take their drink order. Walt didn't need a menu or time, but Vic seemed to. So, Dorothy brought them each an iced tea and wandered off to wait on other patrons. Vic held up the laminated menu, her eyes scanning down and back up. Nearly as soon as Vic set the menu aside, Dorothy reappeared to take their food order. For all her reading of the menu, Vic went simple with a chicken Caesar salad. Walt simply ordered the usual as he did most of the time. Once Dorothy was gone, Vic picked up her glass and sipped her iced tea.
Walt waited until she set the glass back down with an audible thump.
"What's got you so quiet?"
She lifted her eyes to his and shrugged.
"Just thinking"
She didn't seem particularly bothered. Just…quiet.
"Want to share?"
Her response was a long look at him as she sat there with her arms resting on the table.
"Change."
That didn't give him much to go on.
"Change?"
Vic's head bobbed.
"Yep. Been a lot of that lately."
That was putting it mildly.
"Anything in particular?"
"It seems like it never stops."
As someone who didn't take to change all that well, he could certainly identify with her assessment.
"Yeah."
Her eyes seemed to refocus, honing in on him.
"It's never really bothered me before. Well…scratch that. Moving was a pain in the ass. But…when we moved here…I never saw this place as a long term option."
Walt felt his stomach tighten. Vic didn't seem to notice.
"I assumed we would be here just long enough for Sean to find another position somewhere better. You know…near civilization."
She smiled a little at her own comment.
"Who knew that everything would blow up so…"
Her voice trailed off.
"I wasn't even gonna get a job because I didn't think we would be here long enough for it to matter. I figured a year…tops. Now, Sean has moved on. In more ways than one. And…I'm still here."
Walt shifted in his seat.
"That's what you've been thinking about?"
He wasn't sure what else to say.
She nodded, seemingly unbothered by the train of thought.
"Do you know that my life has changed more here in Durant than it ever did in Philadelphia. In a way shorter amount of time."
"Yep."
"I'm starting to see why you hate change so much."
"I don't hate change."
Her eyes flicked to his.
"Most…change."
Fair enough.
She let out a sigh.
"I'm tired of it."
"Change?"
"Yes. Yet…here I sit…about to do it all over again."
Walt started to ask her what she meant by that. But, Dorothy brought their food over, cutting him off. He stayed quiet while Vic opened the small plastic cup of dressing and drizzled it over her salad. He busied himself with taking a drink of his tea and cutting a chunk off his meatloaf…the usual. He stuffed the bite into his mouth even though his appetite had abandoned him.
"I'll stay."
She said the words as she forked some grilled chicken and lettuce onto her fork. Her eyes landed on him simultaneously. Walt was midchew and didn't have any idea what she was talking about. He swallowed hard.
"What?"
He nearly croaked out the word. Vic's fork hovered over her plate.
"With you. I'll stay."
His mind raced to catch up with hers. She had already told him that earlier in the morning. He assumed she meant temporarily while Derek Gilbert was on the loose doing who knew what. She ate her bite of salad, her eyes holding his. Once she swallowed and took another drink of her tea, she tilted her head.
"If…you still want me to."
"You mean…"
The question was open ended because he still wasn't sure what she meant.
"You asked me to move in with you. Is…the offer still on the table?"
His heart sped up as he fumbled for an answer.
"Of course."
"Are you sure? You seem…"
Walt shook his head.
"No, no. It's…I just didn't know what you meant."
After an extended stare down of several seconds, she looked back down at her food.
"Okay."
Just like that. For some reason, he expected more talking. More…he wasn't even sure. Walt breathed out a breath of relief and smiled a little, a weight lifting off his chest. It was a welcome feeling.
Walt cleared his throat.
"Do you…have much more than is in your RV?"
Vic shook her head while she chewed.
"Not really. I have some stuff in storage. Just some furniture and a few boxes. I'll probably sell some of the furniture. I need to go through the boxes again at some point. You know most of it was thrown in boxes when you came to evict me."
He didn't exactly enjoy that memory.
"You're paying for storage?"
"Yeah. The RV is too small for all of it. The house came furnished. So, that stayed. But, there were a few things we brought from Philly. We split that. It's not a lot. I'm not even sure how much I want to keep."
"You can move it to the barn. There's room. The roof is good. It'll be safe there. You won't have to pay extra money and there's no reason to get rid of something that you might want later."
"You sure you have room?"
If not, he would make room.
"Yes. I'm sure."
She offered him a smile and returned her eyes to her food.
Just like that.
xxx
The rest of the day was boring.
She wasn't complaining at all. On the contrary, she was grateful for the mundane routine that they were all settled into at the office on days just like it. The downside was the day did feel like it was dragging by. But, she would gladly take that over the alternative of feeling on edge with no knowledge of what was coming.
It was sort of funny that such an ordinary day had seen such a shift in her personal life. Well, in some ways. She was already staying with Walt. So, there was no real motions to go through at this time. Everything that she used on a daily basis was already either in her RV or in Walt's cabin. In most ways, they were already living together. The matter of emptying out her storage unit was a minor one. That would be as simple as moving the stuff to Walt's barn when they had time.
The biggest part was the so called making it official.
The decision.
She wouldn't be going back to the trailer park. As hesitant as she was about all this leading up to this point, she felt oddly at peace with her decision. Maybe because it happened naturally as opposed to all of a sudden. It didn't feel as jarring as she thought it might.
"Mind if I leave early?"
Walt paused for just a second, his mind making the jump from his work to her question. She was standing in his doorway. Walt shook his head.
"No, there's nothing going on around here that Ferg and Zach can't handle."
"Okay. I'm gonna run by the trailer park and let them know…that I won't be back."
His face didn't betray anything.
"Alright."
She lingered just a minute longer before she took a breath.
"So…I'll see you later."
"Yep. I don't plan to be much longer."
It was close to time to leave anyway.
Vic nodded and left the office. The air outside was cool as she slipped into her truck and drove the familiar path to the trailer park. In truth, she wouldn't miss it. The place served a purpose just as her RV did. It offered her a place to land during a hectic time in her life. It offered her a form of independence that she could afford.
It was time to move on, though. The moment felt oddly right.
Joe Mega offered her the same warm smile that he always did when she tracked him down and told him.
"We'll miss you around here."
Vic smiled in return. Despite his eccentricities, he was a welcoming person.
"Thanks."
He nodded and looked out across the trailer park.
"You'll be due a refund so that we can go ahead and rent the spot out to someone else. Want me to figure that now for you?"
Vic shook her head.
"No, that's okay. You can just mail it to the Sheriff's office."
He nodded and shifted his weight.
"Will do. You take care of yourself, Vic."
"You too."
With that, her time there came to an end. It all felt a little too simple. Of course, the trailer park was a transient place by nature. There were a few long term residents. But, most came and went with a degree of irregularity.
Leaving it behind, she drove to the cabin.
Walt wasn't home yet, of course.
Vic went in a dropped her laptop bag near the door. Toeing off her boots, she went into the bedroom and changed out of her work clothes. Getting comfortable here hadn't been an issue. She supposed it was due in part to her staying here after leaving the hospital. Lacking the will to put up any real fight in Walt's concern for her, her intention was to stay primarily in her RV. That wasn't all that successful despite her intentions.
She'd been explicably drawn to Walt since she first met him. It had only strengthened over time. She thought that she wanted, and needed, to be alone. She could admit now that she was wrong about that. She found solace in Walt and the understanding that he offered her during that time. At a moment when she loathed herself, what he extended to her felt unconditional.
The end result was that she spent more time in his cabin with him than she planned to. It was next to impossible not to. Now, on the far side of everything, nothing felt at all strange about being here. It actually felt like more of a refuge.
Vic retrieved a beer from the refrigerator and sat down on the couch. She took a long sip and set it down on the coffee table. Letting her head fall back against the cushion, she closed her eyes with the intention to decompress.
She didn't realize she dozed off until her eyes snapped open. At first her mind was foggy. How long had she been asleep? Checking her phone told her not quite forty-five minutes. Hearing the sound of boots on the porch, she realized it was Walt closing the door of the Bronco that must have woken her up.
She was still sitting when Walt came in, removing his hat. He hung up the hat and paused.
"Were you asleep."
Vic stood up and stretched.
"Guilty."
He smiled slightly.
"Sorry."
She shook her head.
"I just…fell asleep, I guess. No big deal."
Walt nodded slowly.
"You need to get more sleep."
"Yeah."
Walt turned away from her and gestured.
"Come in here with me."
She trailed him into the bedroom where he turned on the bathroom light and motioned with his hand.
"So, I uh…I'm gonna get started on this bathroom…maybe this weekend."
"Took you long enough. It's looked like this since I've known you."
She smiled at her own joke and Walt dipped his head in acknowledgement.
"Anyway…I was…wondering what you like?"
Her brow creased.
"How do you mean?"
"I mean…"
He paused, obviously gathering himself.
"…this is just the beginning. I need to finish this cabin. Been needing to for a long time. And…I want to know what you like?"
He seemed suddenly unsure of himself. It dawned on her what he was saying. What he was asking her.
"You want me to help you pick out finishes?"
Walt nodded.
"Yes."
Vic looked around the bathroom.
"Walt, this is your cabin. You should do what you want."
He shook his head.
"I want your opinion, Vic. I want you to feel at home here."
She swallowed and looked away again.
This was not a small thing. She was acutely aware of that fact. Vic took a breath.
"Well…you can start by getting a real shower curtain."