I do not own anything in these stories. All rights go to the creator Chris Savino and the current showrunner, Michael Rubiner.
It was July 13, 1986 in the Loud House. Lori, Lincoln and Lola were all practicing for something very magical as Lola is showing her posture and Lori was speaking on a megaphone.
"Good. And turn..." Lola turns to the viewers, "Great. Now wave," Lola waves to the viewers, "Come on, More teeth," Lola gives an oversized grin, "Lola, less teeth, please," Lola turns it down a bit with a nice pearly white smile, "Excellent! Keep it up!"
Lola walks by to reveal that Lincoln and his mother Lori were wearing headbands that say "GO LOLA!" on them.
"You might be wondering why Lincoln and I are helping Lola practice for a beauty contest. Well, you might be crazy over this but... tomorrow is the Little Miss Prim and Perfect Pageant, and the winner gets the greatest prize ever," Lori explained to the viewers, "The prize is two season passes to Dairyland A-Moo-sement Park! One for Lola and one for her coach. And Lincoln and I have been working our butts off for the past few days to make sure she wins.
Then, a montage shows the two both prepping up Lola. First, Lori helps Lincoln apply blush onto her face and she sneezes so much it gets glitter all over Lincoln and Lori. Second, she spits out her two front teeth retainer for Lincoln to brush.
"Oh...oh, Gah!" Lincoln shouted out.
"Ugh... that glitter has a strong scent to it," Lori shouted out and they start brushing.
Third, Lincoln irons Lola's dress with his left hand and brushes her hair with his right, and Lori paints her nails with her hands as she lays in bed in a robe, with cucumbers on her eyes and white bunny slippers. Afterwards, Lincoln uses a lint catcher as Lola poses with Lori assisting.
"It's been a long, hard road," Lincoln said exhaustingly.
"Yeah, it was. But once we get to Dairyland, it'll all be worth it," Lori said exhaustingly.
Suddenly, a frog passes by, and Lana is chasing it.
"Get back here, Hops!" Lana shouted as she passes by Lori, Lincoln and Lola, unknowingly splashing mud onto them. Lincoln quickly raises Lola to prevent her from getting dirty, causing him to get covered completely in mud. He lowers Lola, as she looks back at Lincoln.
"Lana, watch out! Do you know how hard it is to steam clean chiffon?" Lincoln shouted angrily.
"Blah blah blah blah blah," Lana replied blatantly as she goes back in the house as Lori and Lincoln wipe the mud off and start reading a book.
"Okay, Lola, let's move onto your walk. Remember what Gil DeLily says in his best-selling book: Unlocking Your Inner Pageant Queen", To win the day, you must sashay," Lincoln read.
"Not to worry, fellas. I, Lola Celeste Loud, know how to walk," Lola replied as she prepares for the practice.
"Hmmm, quite satisfying that you actually know how to walk," Lori commented.
While Lola practices her walk, Lori and Lincoln suddenly notice a loose bottle of hairspray on the ground.
"Wait, Lola, Watch out for the empty hairspray bottle!" Lori screamed out in fear.
"What?" Lola asked.
Due to not looking where she was walking, Lola suddenly steps and slips and the rest of the scene plays in slow motion.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
They tried to save Lola but it was too late, Lola lands on the ground with a nasty thud.
"OOOHH! That's gonna leave a mark!" Lori winced.
Lola starts crying and Lori takes her inside and places her on the sofa.
Suddenly, Rita and Leni comes into the living room and they see Lola crying.
"Oh no, Lola, are you all right?" Leni said in fear.
"What happened?" Rita asked.
"Lola slipped after stepping on a can of hairspray and she hit the concrete," Lori explained.
"It hurts!" Lola cried in pain.
"What hurts, Lola?" Lori asked.
"My arm and leg!" Lola cried in pain while Lori looks at her left arm and right leg and they are purple and swollen.
"Oh yeah. They're broken. Mother, can you and Leni go get the first aid kit?" Lori asked.
"Sure. Lori," Rita replied.
"By the way, Lori, are you a nurse?" Leni asked nervously.
"No but my boyfriend's mother is. Plus, I've been taking some health lessons from Lisa," Lori explained, "Lisa, can you bring your X-Ray machine?"
Lisa came with her X-Ray machine and took a picture of Lola's arm and leg and looks at it.
"It appears to be a hairline fracture in the left ulna of the arm and the right fibula of the leg. She has to have a rest for a while," Lisa explained.
"Thanks, Lisa," Lori thanked Lisa before Rita comes back with the first aid kit and Lori wraps Lola's arm and leg in a cast and takes her up to her room and put her leg in a sling, "Now you get plenty of rest, Lola. Remember, those bones need to heal."
"Thanks, Lori," Lola sniffled.
"Anytime, Lola," Lori agreed.
"I know of a good solution," Lincoln replied as he pulls out a cowbell, "This is our cowbell, Lola. Now if you need anything just ring the bell," before he presses it and it makes a shrill buzz, "It can be heard anywhere in the house and your mother and father or one of your sisters will come to you."
"Thanks Lincoln," Lola thanked.
"You're welcome little princess," Lincoln thanked as he and Lori took her up to her room.
In Lola's bedroom, Lola was severely injured and resting in bed.
"Okay, minor setback. We can still win this thing," Lori explained.
"All we need is someone to fill in for you," Lincoln explained to Lola.
"Wake up and smell the hairspray, guys. It's over," Lola said sadly.
"You can't just quit! We all worked hard on this!" Lincoln confessed.
"Let's face it, guys. There will be other pageants, you know," Lola said sadly.
"Yes, there will be, but not with Dairyland tickets," Lori explained.
"Lori, Lincoln, I'm sorry to say this but I need my beauty rest. As your pal, Gil DeLily would say, I can't recover if you're both going to hover," Lola said sadly.
Later on, Lori and Lincoln were gathering up all of the pageant supplies.
"I can't believe we learned to French Braid for nothing," Lincoln said depressingly before Lana picks up the practice tiara.
"Hey, guys. Are you done with this? I think I could use the scrap metal for welding," Lana replied but they take a look at Lana, gasps with inspiration, and switches her cap out with the tiara. A heavenly image with Homer, Marge, Lisa and Bart as angels tooting horns appears as a choir sings "HALLELUJAH!" Lori and Lincoln look on with hope in their eyes, "Uh...why are you looking at me like that?"
"Lana, we've got something to tell you," Lori said in happiness, "How would you like a season pass to Dairyland?"
The same heavenly background appears again with Lana gasping with joy. "HALLELUJAH!"
"Don't toy with me, guys!" Lana fought the temptation.
Lincoln then confessed, "We're not, Lana! All you have to do is one teensy, tiny, little thing."
"What is it? I'll do anything!" Lana shouted.
"Mom said that you just have to take Lola's place in the Little Miss Prim and Perfect Pageant and win," Lincoln explained but Lana becomes nauseated.
"Are you kidding me?!" Lana complained, "Bleh! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"Someone who's going to love Dairyland's newest ride. Mom, show her what it is," Lincoln commented while Lori shows a pamphlet of the ride.
"We present to you the Milk Shaker., the newest ride at Dairyland! It's so fast, you can barf, fly around a loop, and get hit in the face with the same barf that comes out of your mouth," Lori explained.
"Damn you, guys! I am in!" Lana gave in.
"There you go, Lana!" Lori said happily but Lana then becomes worried with realization.
"But wait. Guys, what if Lola finds out? You know what she's capable of doing," Lana said in fear and an image of Lola looking on demonically and enraged with hellfire in the background is shown as a cultist choir chants. Lori, Lincoln and Lana shudder with terror.
"She won't find out. We promise," Lincoln replied.
"Yeah, we'll make sure of it," Lori added and they shake on it with Lana getting mud on Lincoln's hand.
"Bleh. First off, we got to clean you up. Dirt on your face gets you into last place," Lincoln explained.
Lori and Lincoln then crawl into the twins' room and Lori proceeds takes out one of Lola's dresses. She wakes up.
"So Lori, you got any idea what you're doing with my dress?!" Lola asked suspiciously.
"Mmmm... I'm pretty much getting ready to get your dress dry cleaned," Lori explained, "You keep healing, sunshine," and she and Lincoln both leave and Lola looks on still suspicious.
Later, in the bathroom, Lana is now wearing the dress.
"What is this weird sparkly towel?" Lana asked.
"That, my sister, is a princess dress. It'll make you look like a real princess in no time at all. Now, hold still while Lincoln and I both work our magic," Lori explained as she sprays and combs Lana's hair.
"Ugh! It smells like princess farts!" Lana complained.
"Well, you probably might not be used to the spray yet, Lana. All you need is some patience," Lori replied.
The spray makes its way over to the twins' room. Lola smells it and heads to the bathroom with a sinister look on her face. She barges in and finds Lincoln with his shirt off and Lori spraying her son's armpits with the spray.
"And just what are you doing with my spray, Lori?" Lola asked suspiciously.
"Oh, hi, Lola! Your hairspray makes quite a great deodorant. It really covers up that musky man smell on Lincoln," Lori explained.
"Hmm... I see that," Lola replied suspiciously as she leaves. Lincoln, Lana and Lori all sigh with relief. Suddenly, Lincoln's arms are stuck.
"Hey, uh. Lana. Help me get my arms unstuck," Lincoln complied with fear.
"You're gonna feel some slight discomfort and..." suddenly, Lana rips Lincoln's arms apart from their pits which makes him scream in agony which made Lori cover her ears knowing how loud it would be. After a long and loud scream, Lori then released her hands from her ears.
"We're gonna have to work on this," Lori said to herself in fear.
In Lori and Leni's room, Lori and Lincoln were still coaching Lana.
"We better be careful, Lincoln. If Lola finds out about this, she'll put us in the hospital. Remember, she's got a very fiery temper," Lori explained.
"Very well. All righty, Lana. Time to work on what Gil DeLily calls the Three W's," Lincoln commanded.
"First W is Walk. The second walk is Wave, and the third and last one is Work it," Lori explained and Lana walks and waves with a smile.
"Okay, we're walking, we're waving...but we're just not working it," Lincoln complied as Lana tries posing attractively, but some tools fall out of her dress.
"Alright, Lana? Did you really have to have tools in your dress?" Lori complained.
"Handyman's code, guys. Always be prepared," Lana replied in nervousness.
"You are not a handyman! You are a pageant queen! And my mother and I are going to make you one for real!" Lincoln explained before suddenly, a snow shovel pours out of Lana's dress and they both look at her disappointed.
"What? It's supposed to snow tonight!" Lana said nervously.
"Lana, are you out of your mind?! We're in the middle of summer break! You know, hot weather, chilling under the hot sun, surfing out in the water, playing in the sand. That snow shovel will have to wait until Christmas time, which is in December!" Lori explained angrily.
Now they're rehearsing the Q&A portion of the pageant.
"Okay, Mom. Bring out the question for Lana," Lincoln commanded and Lori is using a hairbrush for a mic.
"So, Lola, what can a six-year-old do to make the world a better place?" Lori announced but Lana starts scratching her butt which makes Lori a little angry, "Lana, you cannot scratch your butt when you're in the Q&A portion of the pageant!
"What? It helps me think!" Lana said nervously.
"Well, knock it off! Those who scratch really lose the match," Lori said angrily to Lana.
With the talent portion...
"Okay, talent portion. Let's see what you got," Lori announced before Lana plays a ditty with her armpit.
"Impressive, but Mom and I are gonna pass," Lincoln replied as he and Lori pull out something from his supplies, "How about a ribbon dance? It shows elegance and poise.
"Excuse me while I go barf," Lana complained.
"Lana, We're busting our humps trying to turn you into the next big pageant queen, and all we're getting is lip. Do you want those Dairyland tickets or not?" Lori said angrily at Lana.
"Okay, okay, you're right, guys! We'll continue then!" Lana gave in.
"As Gil says, She who gives 'tude..." Lincoln tried to speak before Lana suddenly slaps the book out of their hands.
"I ALREADY AGREED!" Lana said angrily.
A training montage commences. She and Lincoln both perform a perfect ribbon dance, but Lana gets tied up in her ribbon.
"Maybe we should work on that more," Lincoln said nervously as he and Lori then teach her how to curtsy, and she lifts her dress up too high.
"Maybe she should lift it a little lower when she does the curtsy," Lori replied as she and Lincoln show her how to walk elegantly, and she finally gets the hang of it but trips and regains her composure. Lana is finally able to master curtsying, the three W's, and the ribbon dance. Lori and Lincoln are so moved at her improvement and the toys all give her a perfect score.
"Whoo-hoo! Lana, look at you! You've done it! You're prim and perfect," Lincoln said happily.
"Yeah, Lana's our new prim and perfect sister! Woo-hoo! Go, Lana, go!" Lori shouted happily.
"I never thought I'd say it, but this feels pretty good. I don't even mind the sparkly towel," Lana replied happily.
"See, Lana? I told you that dress would come in handy for you, Lana. And now, it's time for the big thing right now!" Lori said happily.
"DAIRYLAND, HERE WE COME! YA-HOO!" They all shouted happily, ready for the big day tomorrow.
Monday, July 14, 1986
It was the big day for Lana as she along with Lori and Lincoln all arrived at the pageant.
"All right, Lana. Here we are. We're at the big pageant that you're about to attend," Lori explained but Lana is a little worried about the competition.
"Whoa. Look at those girls! They're all so clean and sparkly," Lana said nervously.
"Well, so are you. You're as good as any of them!" Lori replied before a cameraman walks by.
"I didn't know this was going to be on TV," Lincoln said in surprise.
"Yeah, me either. I had no idea there was a Princess Channel on TV," Lori said in surprise.
Supposedly, the Princess Channel is on their new 27-inch television so that Lola can watch the pageant and Lynn Sr. and Leni were both treating her with milk and cookies to make her feel better.
"Wow, Mama. I had no idea that this TV would come installed with the Princess Channel! What a pleasant surprise!" Lola commented gracefully.
"No problem, sweetie. It was either that or the Sports Channel that came with this television we got a few weeks back," Leni replied in a maternal tone.
Well, who needs the Sports Channel right now, huh?" Lynn Sr. said as he walks off lamenting as Lola and Leni both sit on the couch gracefully.
"This new TV is like pure gold," Lola said happily.
Suddenly, the pageant starts on TV and Leni started squealing, "Oh boy, it's about to come on, Lola! Let's turn it up!"
The announcer Donnie Dufresne appeared on the TV hosting the competition, "Hello, everyone and Welcome to the Little Miss Prim and Perfect Pageant! I'm your host, Donnie Dufresne. Let's meet America's junior sweethearts. Hailing from Royal Woods, Miss Lola Loud!"
Lana shyly waves and gives a nervous smile. Lola spits out her milk in shock and she and Leni both gasp.
"What is going on?!" Lola asked in shock.
"I'd like to thank my coach and partners, Lori and her son, Lincoln!" Lana announced while Lori and Lincoln wave to her and the camera.
"Thank you, everyone. Thank you all, thank you," Lori said happily, "It's such a pleasure to finally be on this channel."
"Yeah, it was such an honor coaching her," Lincoln said happily but Lola became suspicious.
"Grrrrgh! Lori! I should have known that she and Lincoln were both using Lana for that prim and perfect pageant!" Lola growled.
"And I just want to say it is great to be here!" Lana belched, "Sorry you were downwind of that, Donnie."
Lana nudges Donnie's arm but Lola grows completely furious at what she saw.
"I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS! THEY ARE RUINING ME! AND THEY WILL PAY FOR THIS MADNESS!" Lola shouted angrily as she angrily limps off to the pageant with Leni watching in shock before suddenly...
Lynn Sr. jumped in and changed the channel order and shouted, "WOO! Sports Channel, here I come!"
"I couldn't believe Lola would limp off on her own without someone going with her..." Leni thought to herself.
Back at the pageant, Lana has finished up her introduction and heads backstage.
"Lana, what were you thinking? You're not doing it properly!" Lincoln shouted!
"Yeah, remember what Gil says, Lana. If you belch on stage, the judges will rage," Lori explained angrily to Lana.
"Gil actually has a rhyme for that?" Lana asked in surprise.
"That is why he's a pageant powerhouse. Now, the evening gown competition is next. If we want to win those tickets, we cannot afford any more slip-ups," Lori explained and Lana nods in agreement. As she performs her evening gown, she steps on a loose floorboard and stops.
"Whoa. Hang on, everybody! Loose floorboard!" Lana shouted as she Lana takes out her hammer and nails it back into place, "That'll hold. Carry on!"
The audience claps, but Lana's opponents condescendingly giggle at her handyman skills. Lincoln shudders as he and his mother Lori both facepalm. Lori holds Lana just as she walks past them.
"Lana! What was that?! We talked about the tools!" Lori said angrily.
"I couldn't help it! Fixing stuff is what I do!" Lana explained nervously.
"Lana, You're supposed to be prim and perfect! Now, do you want to go to Dairyland and get hit in the face with your own barf or not?!" Lori yelled as she flails her fists, then holds Lana's shoulders, "Lana, I know you can do this. The interview is next. Get out there and nail it!" Lana takes out her hammer, "No, Lana! Not with a hammer!"
At the interview portion scene, we see three judges sat on a desk with built-in microphones. They are sat in front of a half-empty audience.
"Lola, what can six-year-olds do to eliminate the national debt?" Donnie asked as Lana prepares to scratch her butt to think. Lincoln peeps through the curtain and notices this and he and Lori both start panicking.
"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!" Lincoln was frantic in ascending tone of voice.
"Come on, Lana. Please get it together!" Lori said in fear. But fortunately, Lana controls herself.
"Plenty, Donnie. Just because we're six doesn't mean we can't make a difference," Lana explained.
The audience applauds. The two let out a sigh of relief.
"Looks like Lana didn't get that hammer out that time," Lori said in relief.
Suddenly, Just then, Hops hops out of Lana's dress.
"OH! HOPS!" Lana screamed as the frog lands on the judge's desk and Lana lunges at him to get him back, causing a ruckus. Lori and Lincoln then lose their smile and hide from the curtain.
"What are we gonna do, Lincoln?" Lori asked in fear.
Meanwhile, Outside the building, Lola, who is still on crutches because of her bandaged foot, has made her way to the pageant hall and she is completely outraged.
"Well... they must be inside that pageant where I'm supposed to be attending..." Lola said to herself before she started raising her voice in fury and anger, "WELL, I'M GOING TO HAVE A WORD WITH THEM ONCE I GET IN!" and Lola prepares to go inside.
Meanwhile, inside at the backstage area, Lincoln is seen holding Hops and Lori was angrily telling a miserable looking Lana.
"Lana, what is your problem?! The three of us went over everything in Gil's book, and the companion videocassette, and the audiotapes!" Lori said in a stern toney as she puts her hand on Lana's shoulder and nudges it, "HOW ARE YOU STILL NOT GETTING IT?!"
"I'm sorry, guys. No matter what I do, I can't be prim and perfect like these girls. Maybe there's something wrong with me. I should probably leave," Lana said miserably as she starts to feel bad about herself to the point where she'll cry and starts to leave. However, Hops jumps on top of her and looks on at them, ashamed of their behavior and intention by shaking his head. This causes Lori and Lincoln look at one another before they realize their folly.
"Lana, wait!" Lincoln replied as he and Lori both turn and catch up to Lana and put both hands around her shoulders, "Lana, There's nothing wrong with you. Mom and I are the ones who messed up."
"Yeah, we got so caught up in winning those tickets, Lincoln and I both turned into Gil DeLily... who, when you stop to think about it, probably needs to get a life," Lori explained softly.
"Yeah, but still, why can't I be like them?" Lana asked.
"Because you're you. You're messy and muddy and keep a lot of reptiles in your pants," Lincoln complied.
"But that's what makes you an amazing sister of mine. And Lincoln and I were crazy to try and change you," Lori said softly.
Lana then hugs her sister and nephew in forgiveness, "Aw...thanks, guys."
"Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Lola Loud and her fabulous ribbon dance!"
"Well, that's me. I'll do my best," Lana said eagerly.
"Look, Lana. Forget the ribbon dance. Why don't you do your own talent instead?" Lori suggested.
"Really? Okay, but we can kiss those Dairyland tickets goodbye," Lana said softly.
"Lana, we just don't care about them anymore. Go be yourself and show them what you've got," Lori said with eagerness as Lana takes off her prim and perfect outfit and returns to her normal appearance, ready to take the stage. Suddenly, Lola barges in with a enraged and furious look on her face.
"WHERE ARE THEY?! WHERE ARE THOSE SELF-CENTERED ARROGANT IMMATURE BITCHES?! I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A FURIOUS WORD WITH THEM!" Lola shouted angrily.
Meanwhile, Lana was still on stage with Hops.
"Yo, Hops! Give me a bassline!" Lana shouted as Hops starts croaking and Lana starts doing a little jam while snapping her fingers, doing fart noises and scratching her butt.
"Whoo-hoo! That's my sister!" Lori shouted happily.
"Yeah, you go, Lana!" Lincoln said happily.
Suddenly, an arm grabs Lori and holds her against the wall with a crutch. It is revealed to be Lola.
"AND THIS IS YOUR OTHER SISTER, LORI!
"Lola, what are you doing here? Lincoln and I were teaching your twin sister to act just like you!" Lori explained but Lola got even angrier.
"WWWWHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT?!"
"It's true, Lola. Lincoln and I were the ones that taught her to master curtsying, the three W's, and the ribbon dance and made her walk elegantly," Lori confessed as Lana finishes her talent act and the crowd goes wild and Lola gets even more mad at Lori.
"I have worked four years to build my pageant reputation! AND YOU AND LINCOLN BOTH RUINED IT! NOW PREPARE TO HAVE YOUR LEGS BROKEN, LORI!" Lola shouted angrily at Lori as she was getting ready to beat Lori up with her crutch.
"No, Lola! You're just not getting it!" Lori explained very quickly and in fear, "Yesterday, Lincoln and I taught your twin sister Lana the ribbon dance, the three W's and the curtsy. Maybe you should check the stage... but... please don't beat me up with your crutch for this! I'm begging you!"
Lola turns her head towards the stage and starts listening.
"And the winner is...Lola Loud!" Donnie announced and Lola smiles in surprise and amazement. Lana comes in with the victory tiara on her head and sees her twin.
"Lola! I'm so sorry I pretended to be you! Please don't be mad at me!" Lana begged.
"You know, Lana. For whatever reason, I just didn't think I like what you did, but after all, you did win. And I respect a winner," Lola said softly and Lana hugs her in relief and takes the tiara off.
"Lola, I think this belongs to you," Lana complied.
"No, Lana. It looks like you earned it. You both did. And the Dairyland tickets," Lana said softly.
Lincoln and Lana both look on in awe at Lola's magnanimous gesture with the heavenly image once again accompanying this triumph, "HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH!"
"WE'RE GOING TO DAIRYLAND!" Lincoln and Lana shouted happily.
"YEAH! HERE WE GO!" Lori shouted happily.
So Lana and Lincoln have won the season passes to Dairyland. Once they arrive there, Lori, Lincoln and Lana are getting on the Milk Shaker.
"I gotta say, sweetheart, it was a pretty rough time trying to coach Lana to help us win the tickets," Lori said to Lincoln, "First one is that we should never try to turn someone into something they're not. And the other one is that if we ever ride the Milk Shaker, we gotta make sure to keep our mouths closed."
With that, the ride starts and everyone on it gets green around the gills and Lori throws up and gets hit by her own barf.
"Awesome!" Lana exclaimed.
"Totally wicked!" Lincoln exclaimed.
"Agh! My mouth was open! But really, that's just the whole imagination about the Milk Shaker," Lori said happily and the three laugh together as they continue to have fun together at Dairyland.