Ch. 34: Fill my lungs
She couldn't sleep.
It was to be expected. She really wasn't tired. She just didn't want to follow that line of conversation anymore. So far, Walt had been fairly good about not pressuring her to talk about the future. They broached it once or twice in the natural progression of conversation, but aside from asking her to move in, his patience had been steady with her reluctance to plan too far ahead.
She had done that once upon a time, though. She planned for her future, her career, her marriage. None of it turned out like she thought. Even when she was found out she was pregnant, after the initial shock wore off, she allowed her mind to ponder what it would be like to have a child. Again, it all blew up in her face.
She hadn't achieved one thing she thought she might.
Why bother at all?
Walt caught her off guard when he suddenly started to push the conversation beyond where they currently were. She was already dealing with pressure from her father. She didn't need it from Walt.
After she went into the bedroom, it was quiet for a while. There wasn't much noise from the living room other than occasional movement. She could hear the rustle of his clothes and the creak of the couch as he moved. That was all. He was likely either thinking or reading. Probably thinking. Overthinking.
She changed and stretched out on the bed just listening to the silence while her mind rolled like a wave. Her father would be leaving the next day. Maybe he would take all of this with him. Maybe that was what sparked Walt into a conversation she wasn't ready to have.
She heard Walt stand up and walk around in the living room for a few minutes. He was probably locking the door, checking the fire. In his home life, she found him easy to predict. It gave her a settled feeling. One that she needed badly at this juncture in her life.
Then, he started for the bedroom, his footsteps growing closer until he crossed over into the bedroom. He paused just inside and she rolled over to look at him. He was standing just inside the door watching her with eyes that were hard to read into the low light. Slowly, he walked over to the bed and sat down. The mattress dipped under his weight and he leaned in, one arm bracing him.
"I wasn't trying to upset you."
"I'm not upset."
His head tilted slightly. She recognized the move. He was studying her. Reading her. At times, she found it unsettling how intensely Walt could look at people. It was a tool he used to advantage frequently as Sheriff. His ability to outwait nearly anyone he was questioning was nothing short of fascinating when you watched it firsthand.
"I don't want to pressure you."
"Then why are you?"
Her reply came quickly.
"These are things that we need to talk about at some point. I'm not asking you to commit to anything. I just want to know where your head is."
He was speaking in a low voice that he frequently used with her when they were alone. It almost always vibrated something inside of her chest.
She looked up at him for a moment before she extended her hand and touched his shirt.
"You should get in bed."
That was all she offered him. Walt continued to sit for a minute or two longer before he rose from the bed and started to undress. Vic watched him until he tossed his discarded clothes aside and disappeared into the bathroom where she could hear him brushing his teeth. The water at the sink turned off and he flipped off the light, reappearing in the now darkened room.
The mattress moved again as he slipped his legs under the covers and settled in so that he was facing her. Walt propped his head up on his hand with his elbow planted into the mattress. His eyes found hers again and held there.
"Okay. I'm in bed."
Vic pulled her bottom lip between her teeth.
"Can I be honest with you?"
"Of course."
She took a breath, the quiet around them feeling much louder than any sound.
"Walt…absolutely nothing in my life has worked out the way it was supposed to. I had plans once. I was going to move up through the ranks at work, I was going to be married, I was going to live in Philadelphia and live my life. Now, I am a divorced Sheriff's deputy living in Durant Wyoming. Even…even after all that…when I found out I was pregnant…"
She paused, refusing to give in to the emotion that she could feel building up in her gut.
"…I thought I might be someone's mother. Now…that's gone, too. Look at yourself. Did you really think that you would outlive your wife and wind up here with me right now?"
She didn't give him time to answer. She really didn't need an answer. She already knew.
"What good does it to do to plan when nothing ever turns out like you think it will? All it does is set you up for disappointment and to feel like a…a failure. I am so tired of living like I'm on a roller coaster and I don't know when the next turn is coming. Lately, I haven't felt that way. What we have…"
She gestured between them.
"…is good. It's really, really good. What's wrong with just living in the moment."
Walt shifted his head slightly.
"Nothing. But…don't you think it's important to know what you want?"
"Right now, this is what I want. To be here with you just like this. I mean…we have things to look forward to. It's not like we're pretending there is no future. You're retiring. That's…that's a big thing. It's a big step. I'm…mostly happy with my job. I…like it here. Isn't that enough? I can't tell you how I will feel six months or year from now because I don't know. I don't see any point in getting all worried about it when nothing may change at all. I'm not…trying to be difficult or…"
She exhaled.
"…dramatic. It's just the truth. I'm just…more days than not now…I'm happy, Walt. And, it's been a long time since I could actually say that and have it be the truth."
She paused again.
"Do you understand?"
He nodded and lifted his head from where it rested in his palm. Leaning in slightly, he pressed a kiss to her forehead before meeting her eyes.
"Yeah. I understand."
Vic reached up her hand and touched his face with her fingertips. His stubble was rough under her hand. Even the skin where there was no stubble felt rough to her touch. Walt was not a soft man. He was a man born in a rough country who was raised to be a certain type of man. Yet, he was looking at her with a level of softness that made her stomach want to do flips.
"Kiss me."
She wasn't sure why she said. Walt seemed happy to do as she asked.
He tilted his mouth down and pressed his lips to hers. Vic opened her mouth and tilted her head, deepening the kiss. She drew a noise from Walt as he rolled more firmly on top of her, his weight pressing her into the bed.
After several seconds, she broke off the kiss and looked up into his face.
"Right now…this is all I want."
Placing one hand behind his head, she pulled him back down.
xxx
Vic was sitting on the counter when he walked into the kitchen the next morning. She was dressed for work. Partially. Her shirt wasn't buttoned revealing the tank top underneath and she wore her socks with no boots. Her legs were dangling and she was swinging them slightly. In her right hand, she held a cup of coffee. In her left hand, she held her phone. Her attention was on the screen of her phone. He paused momentarily to take her in. He reminded himself to do that.
Pause.
Exist.
She raised her coffee and took a sip while she looked at something on her phone.
He took a step into the kitchen and she lifted her face, her eyes landing on him.
"Morning."
He crossed the kitchen and poured himself a cup of coffee.
"Morning."
She dropped her eyes back to her phone and moved her thumb over the screen before laying the phone down on the counter and giving Walt her full attention.
"Everything okay?"
"Yeah, why?"
He gestured off to the side.
"You seemed absorbed."
She took a sip of her coffee and lowered the cup to cradle it in both of her hands.
"My dad texted me. He wants to have breakfast. With me."
She added the second part in a belated fashion. Walt nodded, but didn't respond. He simply drank more of his coffee. It made sense. After their tense dinner, Walt doubted Victor Moretti wanted to be around him at all. But, he would want to see his daughter before he left to go back home. He knew that her family didn't see her all that often.
"I'll be a little late."
It wasn't a necessary comment, but seemed designed to fill the silence.
"Okay."
Vic continued to sit and watch him. She had already pulled her hair back into the same ponytail she wore most days when she worked. He mused briefly at how different she looked with her hair down. It gave her a softness that was otherwise hidden by her strong features and sharp tongue.
Vic lifted her coffee cup held in both hands and took a long sip from it. She continued to hold it just underneath her mouth for a long, drawn out moment.
"Is…there something on your mind?"
She voiced the question with a detectable level of caution. Walt shook his head.
"No."
"Okay. Why are you staring at me then?"
"Guess I didn't realize I was staring."
"You are."
She set her mostly empty cup aside and slipped off the counter. Her feet thumped mutely on the floor, cushioned by her socks.
He wasn't telling her the whole truth. He knew that he was looking at her more than normal. Truth be told, he liked looking at her. He resisted the urge for so long before all this. She couldn't really blame him if he over indulged.
"Sorry."
It was a weak apology and she knew he didn't mean it. He could tell that by the look on her face. He was tired. In a good way. They were awake late into the night and that was not a complaint on his part. It was all a welcome change from all the nights that he spent alone and quiet with only beer and his overactive mind for company.
"Liar."
She said it with a smile and moved her cup into the sink. Vic turned back in his direction and turned to face him.
"You sure there's nothing on your mind?"
Walt shook his head.
"Nope."
She let out a sigh that old him she didn't really believe him, but gave in. For the moment.
"Suit yourself. I need to finish getting ready."
She brushed by him and left the kitchen. Walt drank more of his coffee and walked over to look out the window. He felt somewhat pensive this morning and couldn't put his finger on exactly why. From where he stood, he could hear Vic in the bedroom, then the living room. When she returned to the kitchen, she was wearing her boots, her shirt was buttoned, and she was wearing all of her equipment on her belt.
"I'm out. I'll see you later."
Walt dipped his head and kissed her.
"Have fun."
She blew out a breath and rolled her eyes.
"Loads."
With that, she grabbed her jacket and was out the door. Walt listened to her truck start up and leave, fading out down the road that led to his place.
He finished off his coffee and walked into the living room to pull on his boots. He sat down and pulled them on and his mind drifted. She seemed different this morning than last night. More at ease. Less reticent. It wasn't all that unusual. That was Vic since she was shot. For some reason, something about this felt different.
He still wasn't sure not talking about where they were headed was the right way to go. What if she decided she wanted to have a child at some point? It was easy enough to hypothesize about how he might feel about that. But, how would he react in the actual situation.
Would it be a deal breaker if that wasn't something he wanted.
It hit him. He wasn't entirely sure what he wanted any more than she was. He didn't exactly relish the idea of parenthood at his age. But, would that be fair to Vic? Would he be willing to lose her over something like that?
In all honesty, he didn't know.
It was probably something he needed to think about.
Realistically.
In the end, what was he really willing to do to have her.
He would think about it. Just not now.
xxx
Her father was already at the Busy Bee when she walked in and glanced around. Dorothy greeted her with familiarity as she wove her way through the breakfast crowd to take seat at the small table where her father was already drinking coffee and looking over a menu. He dropped the menu on the table when he saw her.
"Good morning."
Vic sat down just as Dorothy hurried over with a coffee pot in her hand.
"Morning, Vic. Coffee?"
"Yes, please."
Dorothy poured the coffee and looked between them.
"Ready to order?"
"What's the usual?"
"Two eggs, bacon, and buttered toast."
Vic nodded as she started to stir cream and sugar into her coffee.
"Works for me."
She stirred while her father ordered. Dorothy walked off, leaving them alone.
"Come here often?"
Vic glanced towards the window.
"It's right down from work."
Victor inhaled deeply.
"I really wish you were coming home with me."
"Did you really think I would?"
He huffed out a laugh.
"No, because you are stubborn and hard headed. Just like your mother."
Vic shook her head slightly.
"I think it runs on both sides."
He leaned forward.
"Look, Vic. I don't want to leave on bad terms. That's one of the reasons I wanted to have breakfast with you."
"To…apologize?"
He frowned.
"For what?"
"Questioning my ability to run my own life."
"That's not what this is…"
"Sure it is. At this point, I think it's more habit than anything. I don't want to leave on bad terms either. So, let's not argue. Okay?"
He studied her for a long moment.
"I just want to say one thing."
She sighed.
"What?"
"You know I don't like this…"
Vic held up her hand.
"Stop. Dad. Don't do this again. I know you feel. You've made that clear. Repeatedly. So…listen to me. This is the life that I have chosen. This is what feels right to me. You don't have to like it. Obviously. But…you have got to respect that it's my life. My choice."
She went quiet and watched his face. Her father was a hard man to read. He had one hell of a poker face and it was honed from years of being a detective. He finally looked down before he raised his eyes again and spoke.
"Fine."
It didn't sound fine.
"Really."
"Yes, really. You know where I stand. You also know that you can come to me…for anything?"
"Yes."
Their food arrived and they started to eat.
"Okay then. I guess that's all that really matters right now."
She wasn't entirely sure she believed that he was letting this go. She knew this was not the last she would hear of this topic. He didn't like Walt. That hadn't changed. Victor Moretti was not a man who changed his mind very often. Not when it came to matters like this one.
They did manage to eat in peace. He left the topic alone and started telling her how her brothers were doing. And, her mother. It created a pang in her chest. She did miss Philadelphia. She always had and reckoned that she always would. As much as her family drove her crazy, she did miss them as well. She just didn't feel like she belonged there anymore. She wasn't even sure her family really knew her as well as they thought they did. She had changed so much since she moved away. There were times she felt like a stranger to herself.
Could she really expect her family, who only saw her a few times a year, to understand who she was when she didn't. Walt was the only one who knew everything. Knowing her longer didn't necessarily equate to knowing her better.
Outside on the sidewalk, her father checked the time. He would need to go. The distance between two points out here was a very real thing.
He ran his eyes over her and gave her a look that she knew well.
"Call more often."
With that, he pulled her into a hug and lingered while people walked by them on the sidewalk. When he pulled away, he ran his hands over her upper arms and smiled.
"Promise me one thing, Vic."
"What?"
"Take care of yourself."
His words struck something in her chest and she nodded slowly. That was one thing that she wasn't at all good at. It was something she needed to work at.
"I'll do my best."
She wasn't about making false promises at this point in her life.
Not even to her father.
"I'll call you later."
"Okay. Bye…dad."
"Bye, Vic."
He turned and walked away down the sidewalk as she turned and headed for work.
xxx
He didn't hear Vic come in. He was on the phone with his door closed. It wasn't until after his call ended and he left his office to stretch his legs that he realized she was at his desk. She glanced up when his door opened and looked at him as he walked by her. Seeing her caused a hitch in his stride.
"Hey."
She turned her chair slightly.
"Hey."
Her expression didn't really tell him anything about breakfast with her father. Not that he needed to be told. The man wasn't going to wake up and suddenly be accepting of their relationship. Based on how staunchly Victor seemed to dislike him, he doubted that would ever happen no matter what he did.
"How'd it go?"
Vic shrugged.
"Okay."
That was all she offered him. He wasn't going to push her on personal matters at work. Vic stood up and stretched, her shirt pulling upwards slightly but staying tucked into her jeans. Walt ambled over to the half full pot of coffee that smelled like it had been sitting for too long and poured himself a cup.
"Want some?"
She shook her head.
"I've had enough."
"You had Dorothy's."
"Yes, and it was way better than that."
He started to respond when the door opened with a little more force than usual and both their heads turned towards the sound. Cady came in and paused when she realized they were both looking at her. It was like maybe she didn't realize she was so rough on the door.
"Sorry."
The word came out flat as she closed the door more carefully. Walt studied his daughter.
"Everything okay?"
"Yeah."
It was the least convincing answer he'd heard lately.
"You sure."
His prodding earned him another flat answer.
"Yes."
And, it also got him a look that told him to stop asking. He looked towards Vic who shrugged in barely noticeable fashion and shook her head, telling him also not to question Cady further. A personal matter.
He shifted his eyes back to Cady who hadn't said anything else. She simply disappeared through the door marked Reading Room.
"What's that about?"
Vic tilted her neck this way and that as though she were trying to work out a tight spot.
"Who knows. Trouble in paradise maybe. Nothing she's going to want to talk to you about."
He made a face and she smiled slightly.
"You're her father. She's not going to tell you. Especially if it's about Zach, who isn't here yet."
He sipped his coffee.
"You could talk to her."
"No."
The reply came quick and decisive. Walt set his coffee down.
"She'll talk to you. She likes you."
Vic shook her head.
"No."
It sounded just as definitive as the first time she said it. Vic faced him and folded her arms over her chest.
"I'm not going to be your go between. So, don't bother asking."
"That's not what I was going to ask."
"Bullshit. You want me to find out what's wrong with her so that I'll tell you. One, if she wants to talk, she will. Two, if she does decide she wants to talk to me, I'll listen. What I won't do is report back to you on it. Three, I'm not going to be your spy. She's a grown woman. I just had this conversation with my own father. Please don't make me have it with you."
He frowned at the comparison. Her comment struck a soft spot, though. Walt nodded and dropped his eyes from hers.
"Right."
She watched him a minute longer before she sat back down and leaned back in her chair so that she could look up at him. He continued to stand there, his eyes drifting back to the closed door.
"I know you're retiring, but it's not official yet. Don't you have something to do?"
He glanced back at Vic who was watching him in a knowing way. With an exhale of mild frustration, he retreated back into his office. Leaving the door open, he could see Vic shuffle through some papers on her desk. He watched her for a moment, his eyes tracking down the slope of her neck. Her head shifted slightly and her ponytail moved along with it.
She wasn't wrong.
She rarely was these days when it came to him.
He heard the door open and Cady came out. He watched her cross the office. Vic said something to her, but he couldn't quite catch it. She kept her voice low. He figured it was on purpose so that he wouldn't overhear. Cady replied and then moved out of his line of sight. Vic returned to her work.
Walt looked at his own desk. Contrary to Vic's smart comment minutes earlier, he didn't have all that much to do. The process of delegating his work to other was nearly complete as his retirement date closed in on him.
He let his eyes drift to the window. His mind also began to drift. His retirement was palpable now, something he felt like he could reach out and touch. Cady was running unopposed. So, there would be no surprises. She would be the next Sheriff of Absaroka County. As he stepped out, she would step in and the transition would be complete.
He would be around if she needed him, of course. He always would be. He wasn't sure if she would seek out his advice as she attempted to navigate her own way through her new job. He took some level of comfort in knowing that he was leaving her with a full staff that would be more than adequate backup as she settled in. Vic, especially, would be instrumental in the early days as Cady found her rhythm. Her experience would be invaluable for Cady.
Walt shook his head slightly and looked back at the work that was on his desk. He was getting more and more prone to daydreaming lately. Maybe it was his impending retirement. Maybe it was something else.
Just as his mind started to focus on what was in front of him, he heard the exterior office door open. Not just open. It sounded as though someone kicked it in. His eyes snapped up and he saw Vic stand, her hand moving to her holstered on sheer instinct. He lurched to his own feet with a similar response and started for the doorway of his office.
Before he reached it, he heard a single shot, the familiar pop of a gun being fired.