Ch. 39: to every season
"How did you find this place?"
Vic looked up from her food.
"Internet. It can be useful."
He smiled.
"I didn't realize we were going out of town."
She gave him a look.
"It's Sheridan. Don't be dramatic."
Walt laughed low and continued to eat slowly. He still looked tired, but not in a bad way. There wasn't any tension in him and he was relaxed and conversational. It was a noticeable change and not one that she would complain about. Based on what he'd told her so far about his trip, it did seem to be something that he needed and the results were palpable.
"Nice to have a meal I didn't cook over a fire."
"I thought you liked all that Grizzly Adams stuff."
"Yeah, doesn't mean I don't appreciate a good meal that I didn't have to make myself."
"What did you eat?"
Walt set his fork down and sipped from his glass.
"I took some food. Jerky, cans of beans, some canned stews."
"I saw your bag. That wasn't enough for two weeks."
He mulled over her question even though she knew he didn't need to. That was just Walt.
"I fished. Manage to get some rabbits and squirrels. Not much meat on them. Enough for a meal."
"Sounds yummy."
Walt smiled as he picked up his fork and started to eat again.
"It can be good if you know how to make it. I only take what I need when I need it."
She already knew that about him. She knew how Walt felt about people infringing on nature. Even Durant, which was a town built for those very people. That was one of the reasons he pushed back so hard against the casino for so long. The casino would bring people, a lot of people. People who didn't know the area of care about it. People who would bring the element of crime with them.
She might not have always agreed with him, but she understood and respected his point of view. She knew how much he cared about where he lived. It was his home and he was compelled to try and protect it.
It was that devotion to what he cared about that drew her to him in the first place.
"So…two weeks is a long time to be out tromping around in the woods. What did you do? Besides look for treasure."
"Took in nature. Did some thinking."
She was watching him closely.
That was one of the ways they were different. Walt could be so introspective. It was easy for him to get lost in his own head and find a stillness she could never achieve. It wasn't that she never thought about things. She did. Truth be told, she had done more of it in the last several months than at any other point in her life. It was just that stillness gave her a restless feeling. She had always been that way. It had ebbed somewhat as she grew older, but it was a part of her character that would never leave her.
"That's a lot of thinking."
"Yep."
He had grown quieter as they talked. His words were sparse now and she could practically see him mind working.
"What were you thinking about so hard?"
Walt pushed his mostly empty plate away and rested his arms on the table.
"Little bit of everything."
Vic tilted her head.
"Walt…"
He looked down at the table and then back up at her, his eyes bounced from Vic to her plate.
"Are you finished?"
"Yes."
He nodded towards the door.
"Let's go."
She acquiesced and rose, pulling on her jacket as they left the restaurant and walked out onto the sidewalk. She wasn't happy that he wasn't giving her an answer. But, that was Walt. Trying to rush him didn't do much good. Once they were in the Bronco and rolling towards Durant, he finally spoke.
"I thought a lot about Lucian and how I wished he hadn't done what he did. He spent so many years of his life as the law and then…"
His voice trailed off. She understood. His feelings for what happened with Lucian were complicated and it was understandable. Lucian gave him a job in the first place, acted as mentor while he was learning the ropes. She knew that Lucian could be a cantankerous old man and frequently had his own ideas about how the law worked. They didn't always agree with Walt's. That didn't lessen the bond between the two men. Knowing that Lucian committed a murder was not an easy pill for Walt to swallow.
It was a bitter way for it all to end.
"I know."
That was all she said. There wasn't much else to say.
He kept his eyes on the road, his hand gripped the wheel.
"I hope he's at peace now."
She didn't respond. She hoped the same. For both Lucian and Walt.
Walt cleared his throat and seemed to push away the dark thoughts.
"Thought about my retirement."
"Oh yeah?"
Walt nodded.
"Yep. I know now it was the right decision. It was time. Staying on the job too long, you tend to lose everything. You even lose parts of yourself, I think. The job can…it can consume you. I didn't want that. It feels…right to know that I left on my terms and not someone else's."
She knew he was referencing the civil trial and the way that both Tucker Baggett and Sawyer Crane came after him in an attempt to push him out and ruin him. He'd told her that he considered retiring then and Cady talked him out of it. She was grateful for that. Had he gone though with it then, it would have caused irreparable damage to his reputation and his legacy.
She knew how he struggled with the choice. Hearing him say now that it was the right one to go ahead and retire now made him her feel better about where they were. Where he was.
"Did you think about where you go from here?"
It was a cautious question.
"Some. I want to finish the cabin. That will take some time. I want to do it right. Beyond that, I want to live my life."
"In what way?"
"Whatever way that seems right."
It was vague, but it made sense.
He was quiet for a few more minutes. Vic looked out the window, watching the headlights of other cars zip by them as they drove. It was dark out now, but the moon was out and casting its eerie glow over the landscape.
"I thought about you. Us."
xxx
She didn't respond immediately.
It didn't bother him. He figured she was giving him time and space to express himself. Vic would know that he struggled mightily with that at times. He didn't want to. He wanted to tell her everything that he thought. He wanted to be able to express himself freely and without reserve. He simply wasn't built that way. Emotions were hard for him. They always had been. Not that he was using that as an excuse. He wasn't.
He knew that it frustrated her at times. He accepted that it took a woman with a certain amount of fortitude to be able to deal with his lack of communication and his tendency to lapse into long silences. Martha had been good at it. But, Martha was a patient woman. She was strong in a much subtler way. She rarely pushed.
On the contrary, it was in Vic's nature to push. He could admit that there were times when he needed it. She held him accountable in a way no one else had before. At least, not successfully. Their personalities appeared on the surface to be polar opposites. It wasn't an incorrect observation. The bond that sprung up between them after she started working for him was telling. It told him that underneath, in the deepest part of themselves, they weren't as different as they seemed. The aspects that should have made friendship difficult between them actually proved to strengthen it.
Complementary.
That was the word that came to mind.
Where she was learning patience with him, he was learning that he couldn't just shut down and go quiet. Somewhere in the vast landscape between her tendency to say whatever was on her mind without giving it much thought and his reticence to reveal the most private parts of himself, there was a compromise to be found. It was a slippery, never easy road, but they were traversing it towards one another, meeting the middle without sacrificing the truest parts of themselves.
"In a good way I hope."
That was her first response. Walt gave her a quick look before turning his attention back to the road. It was easy for him to see the road as symbolic of the road they were on. It was stable enough, but dark. Without knowledge he already possessed, there was no way to see what was coming.
With Vic, he didn't possess that knowledge.
"Of course."
He honestly couldn't tell if she was joking. He couldn't really see her face in the dark interior of his Bronco.
"Good. It would suck if you decided that you're tired of me."
"Do you really think that would happen?"
She was quiet again. She wasn't joking. She was serious.
"Two weeks…is a long time to be alone with your thoughts. I've created some upheaval in your life. Maybe you get out there and realize that you really miss the peace that comes with being alone."
Walt felt a frown form on his face.
"You seriously believe I would do that."
"I hope not."
Walt readjusted his grip on the wheel. There was self-doubt again. He was thankful that it didn't consume her anymore. It did bother him when it reared its head. He didn't blame her. She was getting better at controlling it. It did hurt to have your feelings questioned.
"Do you want to know what I thought about?"
"Of course."
She echoed his own words from a minute earlier.
Walt took a breath. He would see this through. She deserved it after everything they'd been through. They both deserved the absolute, unfiltered truth.
"I thought about how much better my life is with you in it."
He pushed the words out and waited for a response that was almost immediate in coming. She turned her head and searched for his eyes in the dark.
"Even though it's a hell of a lot more complicated with me in it?"
He smiled slightly.
"Have you heard of Cloud Peak?"
She gave him a quizzical look.
"What?"
"Cloud Peak. It's the highest peak in the Bighorns. Have you heard of it?"
"Yes."
Her confusion was evident.
"The view from the top is nothing short of extraordinary. To stand there and know that you are so high up, the feeling that gives you is incomparable."
She was waiting when he paused.
"It's not easy to get to. There aren't any stairs of elevators. You have to walk there. It's…a complication. Once you're up there, though, everything that you go through to get there is worth it and you wouldn't trade it for anything. I have never once stood up there and regretted the trip."
He fell silent, letting her absorb what she was saying. She was still looking at him from the passenger seat. He couldn't see her face in the dark. He knew that she would understand. She was perceptive. He just wanted his point to make the impact he felt from her.
"You…"
He paused momentarily.
"…are worth it in the same way. I don't have any regrets about anything that we've done. My only regret is that I pushed you away for as long as I did."
More silence spread out between them. He wanted to search for her face in the dark. Unfortunately, he was driving and didn't have that luxury. He would have preferred to have this conversation at home. He was learning to roll with it. This was one of those moments, evolving naturally between them and he wasn't going to be the one who ruined it.
"Jesus."
Her reply almost made him laugh. She moved and he felt her hand on his leg. At the contact, he was suddenly overwhelmed with the desire to touch her. Without any warning, he pulled the Bronco over to the side and put it in park.
She was on him before he could fully turn to her.
xxx
"What's the craziest place you've ever had sex?"
"Do you mean other than on the highway in my Bronco?"
"Yes, other than that."
He was quiet. She couldn't see his face, but she knew the expression he was wearing. Walt was curved around her back, his stomach pressing into the length of her spine. He was so damn warm she thought she might never want to move.
"Um…"
The ensuing silence was to be expected. He was either struggling for an answer, or he was being struck with shyness.
"Come on. There's gotta be something. You grew up out here in the middle of nowhere. You couldn't have possibly always been as straight laced as you pretend."
"Pretend?"
"This image you present to the world, Walt. It's…not entirely correct. There's…some…wildness under the surface. I've seen it. Your temper. The way something might now be your idea, but you're willing to go along with it."
He vibrated behind her. Light laughter she guessed.
"We used to go parking when I was in high school."
"Everyone does that."
"Yeah, but did you do it in the back of a truck?"
"That sounds cold."
"That's what blankets are for."
She smiled.
"Is that the best that you have?"
He was quiet for a minute.
"Okay. Hiking in the woods…on some rocks."
"Wow. Nature boy. That didn't hurt your back?"
"Not back then. What about you?"
"That's a loaded question. How about…my most risky?"
"Okay."
"I snuck a guy in once while my parents were sleeping down the hall."
"They never knew?"
"Nope. Probably the quietest I have ever been."
"That's saying something."
"Smartass."
Vic rolled onto her back so that she was looking up into his face. Her expression shifted to one of sincerity.
"What you said earlier…you meant it."
It wasn't a question.
"Yes. I wouldn't say something like that if I didn't mean it."
His words warmed her in a way that had nothing to do with the actual temperature.
"Good. God…I missed you."
It was an odd thing to open herself up so completely. Just after her divorce to Sean, hell even when she was married and living in an environment of near constant fighting, she would never believe that she would be living a moment like this one. It was scary as hell and exhilarating all at once. Allowing herself to be this vulnerable was not an easy thing. There was something about it that felt so freeing. It was hard to describe.
His eyes were dark blue in the barely there light of the bedroom.
"I missed you, too."
His voice sounded husky, damn near shaky.
"I uh…I did some thinking while you were gone, too."
"And?"
Vic swallowed. What she was going to say was not the proclamation he made earlier, but it was no less important.
Progress.
She constantly reminded herself that it was not a competition. They weren't in the same place emotionally. They didn't have to be. That was okay. Walt had made it clear that he would be patient with her. And, he had. Much more than she would have anticipated. It was rare to find a man who was able and willing to exercise the amount of patience that Walt had since their first night together.
Even small steps were steps.
Progress.
It had been her mantra since she woke up in the hospital after getting shot. Also after waking up in Walt's bed to find him sleeping soundly beside her, the previous night flooding her mind.
"I'm going to sell the RV."
He was quiet for a minute, looking at her. She hoped that he recognized this for what it was.
Since she moved in with him, the RV sat out in the yard off to one side. She offered to move it behind the cabin, but Walt didn't seem overly concerned about it. It's not like he had neighbors who would complain about it. It was void of any of her personal belongings. Anything she intended to keep was no in the cabin. What was left in the RV would go with the vehicle when she sold it. The furnishings that came with it when she bought.
She would need to clean it up. After that, it would be as simple as posting it for sale. She could do that in the Durant paper. There was no telling how long it would sit, but there was no hurry in getting rid of it. It wasn't like she needed the money for anything just then.
"You sure?"
He sounded about as cautious as she did. Vic nodded.
"Yes, I'm sure. It's time. There no need to worry about upkeep on it if I'm not using it. Sitting isn't good for it."
Based on what she saw in Walt's face, it was a more significant step than she thought it would be.
"I just need to uh…clean it up. Wash it."
"I can help you with that."
The offer came quietly and unassuming.
Tossing off this tether scared the hell out of her. It was the last stand of true independence she had. Once it was gone, her living here would take on a new weight. Up until this point, the RV was there in case she needed it. A backup plan so to speak. Not that she actually voiced that. But, they both knew it. Neither one of them pretended.
"Well…you know…tomorrow is my day off. We could…"
She extended her hand and touched his bare abdomen. Walt's stomach recessed almost involuntarily from the intimacy of her touch.
"…sleep late and…get it ready. I'll put an ad in the paper since so many of you people here are backwards…"
"Us people?"
She smiled at him.
"You Wyoming people. Of course, I'll list it online for the civilized world."
He gave her a look of mock hurt.
"I have a phone now, you know."
Vic smiled at him and pushed up so that her face was closer to his.
"Yeah, I've heard that about you. But…you're still backwards."
xxx
Walt knew what she was doing.
Selling the RV was severing her last connection to her post-divorce life. It was her way of letting go of part of her past and continuing a forward movement. She surprised him the previous evening with the announcement that she wanted to sell it.
The day was cool, but not too bad. In the late morning and early afternoon sun, it was just shy of pleasant. The physical work also went a long way towards warming them up while they worked. Vic started the morning by going through the interior to ensure that nothing of hers was left. One last sleep. After that, she cleaned and straightened up the inside. He offered to help, but she pointed out the limited space would make them both cleaning unnecessarily difficult. He agreed.
He busied himself with chopping wood while she worked on the RV. Once she was done inside, they both worked on cleaning up the outside. That was definitely a two person job. By the time they were done, the exterior shone under the sun as it dried. Vic stepped back and gave it a satisfactory nod.
"Looks good."
The rumble of a motor in the distance pulled both of their attention away from the RV to the road.
"Henry."
Walt recognized Henry's truck as it bumped over the road, coming to a stop at the cabin. Henry got out and walked around to the hood.
"Are you taking a trip?"
His eyes were on the RV.
Walt shook his head.
"No. Cleaning it up to sell."
Henry shifted his eyes to Vic.
"You are selling it."
"Yep, you want it?"
Henry's mouth quirked up.
"No, I do not."
Vic shrugged.
"I'd give you a discount."
"I am good."
Vic wiped off her hands on her jeans and walked over to the porch to sit down. Both men followed her. Walt removed his hat and ran his hand through his hair. It was damp in spite of the cooler weather.
"What brings you by?"
Henry leaned on one of the porch posts, his shirt catching slightly on the rough wood.
"I was wondering if you are free for dinner tonight. Both of you."
Walt eyed Henry.
"You could've called."
"I could have. But, you are retired now. I figured you would be here."
"Dinner with you?"
"And Joy."
He hadn't talked to Henry about Joy in a while. He honestly didn't even know if he was still seeing her. He did now.
"Getting serious?"
Henry kept his expression neutral not giving Walt much to work with.
"I enjoy her company very much."
Walt studied him. Henry tended to be enigmatic when it came to his relationships with women. He was not a man who wore his heart on his sleeve. Still, he was a man. Joy was an attractive woman, not to mention one of the few that Henry actually introduced to him.
"That's romantic."
The comment came from Vic. Henry gave her a smile.
"I can be a very romantic man."
She breathed out a laugh as she stood up and stretched her arms over her head, tilting her neck from one side to the other.
"I bet."
Walt gave her a look and she met his eyes.
"It's okay by me."
Walt turned his attention back to Henry.
"Where and what time?"
"Are you still opposed to coming to the casino?"
Walt sighed and he felt Vic reach out and touch his back.
"It's just dinner, Walt."
He looked down at the worn porch boards under his boots and inhaled a deep breath. He suspected he knew what Henry was doing. Henry had always been one to push him, to urge him to step into directions that he wasn't always comfortable with.
Sometimes, he appreciated that quality. Others, not so much.
"What time?"
Vic was talking to Henry now.
"Seven?"
"Sounds good."
Her hand was still on his back and he felt her fingers flex ever so slightly. He knew that it was an intentional move. He didn't argue, but he didn't agree. Instead, he checked his watch. It was lunchtime. He raised his eyes to Henry.
"Want a beer?"
Henry nodded.
"Sure."
Walt walked inside and grabbed three beers for them. When he emerged, the screen door shut behind him with a familiar slap. He offered Vic one, then Henry. Henry took it and considered it for a long moment.
"You are making progress."
The comment was aimed at him. Walt looked at Henry for a long moment. The eye contact was meaningful. It struck him that he missed the connection that he shared with Henry lately. They were working their way back. But, like other things, it took time. In that moment, with both Henry and Vic there, he felt grateful.
Thankful.
One wrong move and one of them wasn't here. The three of them all came so close. It was something they shared, bound them together.
"I'm trying."
Henry smiled at him.
"That is obvious. Your life will be richer for it."
Henry looked between him and Vic.
"I believe it already is."
"Yep."
Henry raised his beer and held it out to the two of them.
"To…working for a better life."
It felt like the right thing to say at the perfect moment Not just in regards to Henry and their friendship. But, also with what was going on between himself and Vic. He felt cleansed. Almost new. It was an entirely different feeling for him.
A welcome one.
The three of them clinked their bottles together.
"Definitely."