Ch. 40: when everything you wanted was nothing that you wanted

"So, what do you think now?"

They were driving again. Funny how they spent so much of their time driving both before his retirement and after. It seemed like that was where so many important conversations happened between them. Conversations that didn't happen as well.

Of course, those days appeared to be over. The ones where they didn't talk about the things they needed to talk about. Walt still wasn't all that forthcoming with information. But, he was getting better. She was too in different ways. That was one of her biggest takeaways from the last year. They were works in progress and would never really be complete. It simply wasn't human nature to not change.

Everything and everyone changed over time.

"About?"

She sighed and rolled her eyes.

"Do you think I'll ever get a straight answer the first time I ask you a question?"

"Possibly."

She shook her head at him.

"Be glad you're driving."

"Or what?"

Another eye roll was directed at him.

"You know…your sense of humor is dangerous."

He smiled some.

"I think that she's good for Henry. He spends too much time alone and that's not always a good thing."

"You would know."

"Yes, I would."

Dinner had been pleasant enough. God. Was she really using words like pleasant? Dinner didn't suck. That was more like it. With some of the trepidation of meeting someone for the first time over, the conversation flowed much more naturally. Joy told them about her work, going more in depth. There was a natural give and take between her and Henry that was hard to deny. They didn't exactly come off as a couple who were fawning over each other, but Henry was cautions and understandably so.

His more recent dealings with women weren't exactly encouraging.

Joy seemed to genuinely care for him.

That was something. Only time would tell if the pairing would last. For now, the two of them were still in the getting to know you phase. Vic briefly felt the same pang of almost jealousy she did when she talked to Walt about Cady and Zach. Not of the relationship itself. It was more of the clean slate with no shared history. The kind of history that made things so complicated with Walt. But, it was also that history that brought them to this point. There was that.

She could tell that Walt was uncomfortable in the casino restaurant. It was nice. Maybe too nice to suit his personal tastes. That wasn't the reason of course. Walt would never feel at ease in that place. Again with the history. His eating there, however, was progress. You couldn't ask for much more than that.

After dinner, Henry and Joy stayed to discuss the business end of some things while she and Walt walked outside. Vic regarded the casino as they walked to the Bronco.

"You survived."

He made a noise in response.

They reached the Bronco and she stepped around in front of him, effectively blocking him.

"I mean that, Walt. I know you don't like it here. You never will. I get that. But…you did it…for you friend. That's…saying something."

He looked down at her, his eyes shaded by the brim of his hat.

"Being rigid…is easier than adapting. But…it's not always the right choice."

That was the extent of his thoughts on the matter. Vic turned away from him and looked at the casino. It was bright and somewhat gaudy. That was the nature of the business. There was some comfort in knowing that a good man was running it now. The illegal activities that plagued it under the questionable leadership of Jacob Nighthorse were long gone. With Henry at the helm, it was a clean operation that was providing much needed jobs. That was the way she chose to look at it.

She knew that Walt accepted that on some level.

Henry always wanted to help his people.

The casino allowed him to do just that on a much larger scale than he could have imagined a year ago. As much as Walt wouldn't want to admit it, it was also not the worst thing for the county either. It was bringing in more tourists than ever. Tourists brought money and spent it. Walt's perspective was that they also brought trouble. And, they did. There was no arguing with him on that. It was a double-edged sword. Vic supposed you couldn't have one without the other.

That was the way of it.

Now, on the dark road that led to the cabin, it was easy to appreciate what this area provided away from the casino. Peace. Natural beauty. The things it took her forever to appreciate about this place. She would never fully adapt. She knew that. Accepted it without question. She could see the appeal. She would always be grateful for what Walt's cabin and the surrounding area offered her after her shooting and miscarriage. That seemed to be a turning point for her in regards to this place.

The quiet offered refuge while it also forced her to face the parts of herself she'd been avoiding for a while now. There were no distractions. Nothing to take her mind off of the mess that her life had become. She knew now, as hard as it was, it was necessary to get where she was now. In a much healthier frame of mind.

The Bronco bounced over the now familiar dirt road. Walt pulled up in front of the cabin and cut the engine. He pulled the keys from the ignition, but made no move to get out. Instead, he sat and looked at the cabin for a long moment. Vic looked at him curiously.

"Something wrong?"

There was another long pause before he shook his head.

"No. I was just…appreciating the moment."

It was an odd thing to say, but he didn't wait for follow up questions. He pulled his door handle and got out. A minute later, Vic followed.

xxx

"Hey, dad!"

Cady greeted him with a smile as he stood in what was now her office. It felt odd in some ways, not in others. He hadn't been here very much since his retirement. Even after getting back from his trip, he thought space might be the best option for them all. Not that it had been all that long.

He recognized the importance of Cady settling in and making this place her own outside of his presence. If she was going to be respected as a Sheriff, she would need to be her own woman. Not an extension of his tenure. Vic gave him regular reports and it seemed as if Cady were doing as well, possibly better, than he hoped when he suggested she run for Sheriff.

He couldn't ask for much more than that.

It wasn't just Cady. He needed to adjust as well. For the first full two weeks of his retirement, he wasn't even in Durant. That made the separation somewhat easier. He was back now and needed to make that adjustment as well. He was home, but not getting up and going in to the office every morning for the first time in most of his adult life.

Vic was also making more adaptations of her own. She was learning to balance not working with him, but living with him. They spent most of her time here in Durant working together every day. Closely. That chapter was closed. The new chapter was that she now worked away from him and came home to him in the evenings.

For him, that was well worth it.

Even his former staff were working through their own issues. There was a new Sheriff in town. Literally. Nothing happened in a day, or even a week. It was different for all of them, yet somehow the same. They all needed to find a new rhythm both with Cady and each other.

It didn't escape him how Zach glanced at him when he came in. There was a brief moment of eye contact before his attention was pulled elsewhere. He wondered how that was going. Cady didn't talk to him a lot about Zach. Neither did Vic. No matter how much he prodded. She made her stance on the matter clear. So far, she wasn't budging from it.

"Hey, Punk. How's it going?"

The biggest change he saw in his old office was the addition of a laptop on the desk.

"Overwhelming."

She smiled at him sheepishly when she said it. Walt returned the gesture.

"Did you need something?"

He shook his head.

"No. I was meeting Vic for lunch. She's not back yet."

"She on the way?"

"Yep. Thought I would step in and see you."

She stood up from the desk and came around it.

"I'm glad you did. I haven't seen you much since you got back. How was your trip?"

"It was nice to get away from everything. But…there's nothing quite like coming home."

She gave him another, knowing smile.

"I get that. So…you're doing good?"

"Yes."

"No regrets?"

Walt shook his head.

"No, Cady. I don't have any regrets. It was time. For both me and the county."

"I'm glad to hear you say that. I was…worried."

Walt reached out and placed his hand on her shoulder.

"Don't worry about me, Punk."

That was easier said than done after everything.

"Impossible."

The outer office door opened and closed with a loudness that Walt knew well. He also recognized the sound of her boots on the wooden floor. She must have seen the Bronco down on the street because she appeared in Cady's office almost immediately.

"Hey."

Vic seemed slightly out of breath.

"Hey."

Vic shifted her gaze to Cady.

"Going to lunch."

"Okay."

They left the office and started the short walk to the Busy Bee.

"Did you chase someone down?"

Vic glanced his way.

"Hmm?"

"You're out of breath."

"Oh…no. Just in a hurry. I got caught up at a traffic stop. Some guy wanting to try and argue his way out of it. Not sure why people think that's gonna work."

They entered the Busy Bee to find it…well busy. They found a table over by the wall and sat down. Dorothy appeared shortly, also out of breath and smiling. Their familiarity with the place made ordering quick and they were alone again as Dorothy went off to get their food ready. She was back seconds later to deposit an iced tea in front of Walt and a water in front of Vic, then gone again.

"How is work?"

Vic sipped her water and eyed him.

"What do you mean? I talk about it every day."

"I know. But, it feels like you've had time to sanitize it by then."

Vic stirred the straw around in her glass. The move caused the ice to clink together as well as off the side of the plastic cup.

"When have you ever known me to sanitize anything?"

She was right.

"Not often. But…would you tell me the truth if Cady was having issues?"

"She's not. She's doing pretty damn good."

"Would you tell me?"

He repeated his question and it earned him a mildly dirty look.

"Depends."

"On."

Vic shrugged.

"Lot of things. Stop worrying about it."

"I'm not."

"Liar."

Their food arrived.

"How's it going for you at the office?"

He knew the answer to some degree. He knew that she came home tired most nights. With Cady learning the ropes, Vic was taking on more responsibility. There were times he worried that she was spreading herself too thin. It would pass, though. He knew that. Once they all settled in, her load would ease up.

Vic chewed and studied him until she swallowed.

"Well…there's something to be said for having a Sheriff who isn't stuck in the dark ages."

"I'm sure there is. How are Cady and Zach doing?"

She raised her eyes from her plate.

"Walt."

It was a warning.

"I'm not asking for specifics."

She shrugged.

"I stay out of their business."

He wasn't sure he entirely believed that. But, he also knew that she would likely say something if Cady and Zach's personal life was bleeding into their professional realm. She must have sensed his doubt.

"I'm serious. I'm not interested in getting tangled up with whatever is going on there. As long as they keep it at home, it doesn't bother me. I just hope they can do that."

He did as well. He knew how hard it could be.

"She talks to you."

"Yes, she does. But…she doesn't overshare. Walt, I really don't want to talk about your daughter's love life with you."

He dipped his chin in acknowledgement.

"Okay."

He let it go. That was something else he was working on.

"Will you tell me one thing?"

Vic looked back up.

"I thought you were dropping it."

"I will. I just…she's happy. Right?"

Vic looked at him for a long time, her fork in her hand.

"I think so. She seems to be."

He nodded and looked back at his own food.

That was really all he wanted.

xxx

"I like that one."

Vic pointed to one of the wood samples laid out on the table. Walt picked it up and studied it. He wasn't a designer by any stretch. Neither of them were. Hell, she moved from an RV. It wasn't like she was all that picky. For as long as she had known him, the cabin had been a work in progress. The problem was, there wasn't any progress. Walt stalled out after Martha died. It was hard to find fault there. While she didn't know the pain of losing a spouse to death, her own recent dive into loss brought certain things about Walt into sharp focus.

She recognized what he was doing by including her. It was an effort on his part to draw her in and make her feel comfortable here. He wanted her to see this as her home, not as somewhere she was simply living. He had voiced as much to her when they started all this.

Her only real complaint about the cabin had been the bathroom. It was a mess the first time she saw it and nothing changed over time. The fact that he made that his first project felt symbolic. Now, his focus was on the kitchen. The hard work was done. The room functioned as a kitchen just fine. The work was cosmetic.

Still, she appreciated the effort on his part as well as the inclusion.

"I like it, too."

Vic looked at him.

"Do you really? Or…are you just saying that?"

Walt shook his head.

"No. I liked this one…and this one."

He pointed to a different sample.

"What would you have done if I picked something you hated?"

"I don't hate any of these."

She gave up. Walt set the sample aside and turned towards the cabinets.

"This would have been done already of Bob hadn't gone to prison."

Vic walked up beside him.

"Yeah, you mentioned hiring Bob. That sucks."

"Yeah. He's…he's not a bad person."

"I know. But…you can't rob banks even when you think you've got a good excuse."

"I know. I've never liked seeing someone throw their life away."

Vic bumped him with her arm.

"No one does. You know…he won't be there forever. With good behavior, he'll be back."

"Yep."

He didn't say anything else on the matter and Vic didn't pursue it. There wasn't any point when they couldn't do anything about it. Walt had done his part during Bob's trail when he testified. She knew the two of them shared strange kinship that she couldn't really explain or understand.

"So…what you do you…go to the store and order it?"

Walt shook his head.

"No. I'll do it myself. I can stain them this color."

"Well…aren't you talented."

"I can do basic carpentry."

"Walt, building a cabin isn't basic carpentry. It's…pretty damn impressive."

He looked up and around.

"There are nicer cabins than this one."

"So?"

He smiled in a manner that was almost shy.

"It'll look nice once it's finished. Well…nicer."

He nodded slightly.

"Least it'll be done."

They left the kitchen and Walt flipped off the light. Vic settled onto the couch and Walt sat down beside her. She leaned into him without giving it any real thought. There was something she found incredibly comforting about being with him like this. She felt…secure in a way that she couldn't adequately describe.

"Oh…I forgot to tell you. My mother called me today."

"About?"

"She wanted to know if I'm coming home for Thanksgiving. I told her no."

His voice was quiet when he spoke.

"You should go."

"I already told Cady I would cover it at work. You know…"

She paused.

"…Ferg wants to spent it with Meg and Zach is going to see his family. Cady is staying since this is her first holiday in office. But…I figured we can split the day and neither of us had to be there the whole time. That way…"

She paused again, readjusting herself on the couch.

"…we can spend part of it together."

She waited, expecting more protest from him.

"What about Christmas?"

His question surprised her.

"What about it? Do you have plans?"

Walt shook his head.

"No. I haven't done much celebrating the last few years. No reason to. Just curious."

"I think…I'm staying here for Christmas, too."

"You should go see your family."

She sighed. If she went, she would want him to go. She honestly didn't know if he would agree to it. Even if he did, she was pretty damn sure there would be a stupid amount of tension where her father was concerned. The thought didn't appeal to her.

"I'll go home next year. Maybe by then…"

Her voice trailed off. Walt glanced her way. She didn't venture into discussions about the future voluntarily or with purpose. That one just happened…naturally. He knew what she meant. She knew that by the look on his face. He merely dipped his chin a little.

"Maybe."

xxx

When she mentioned next year, it caught him off guard.

Vic rarely talked about the future. Her future. Their future. It was a coping mechanism. He knew that. He tried to respect that. He accepted her request that they simply live from day to day right now. As long as they were taking those days as steps into a future, he was okay with that. He wasn't always sure it was the best choice. But, if that was what she needed from him, that's what she would get from him.

He loved her. He wanted to be with her. It would be selfish of him to insist that it be only on his terms. Her moving in here with him was a compromise on her part. One she hadn't been entirely comfortable with when it happened.

Now, she seemed at ease here. They slipped into a comfortable rhythm that worked for them both.

There were still questions in his mind. Would she ever want to marry him? Would she want children at some point in the future? Would she be happy living in Durant for the long haul? Those were just the big ones. He'd asked himself the same questions where they applied. He would marry her. He knew that. She wasn't in a place currently where he would ask her. But, the day would come when she would be ready to have that conversation. When it did, he would be willing and ready.

The question of children was a more complicated one that was highlighted by the age difference. The gap in their ages didn't bother Vic at all. While he voiced concerns, he could certainly deal with it. But, if she asked him about children, he wasn't sure what his answer would be. He wasn't a young man by any stretch. His daughter was grown. It was hard to imagine walking that road again at his age.

That wasn't necessarily fair to Vic, though. She was still at an age where she could carry a child. She had every right to that if it's what she wanted. The few times he pressed her on the matter, her response was always that she didn't know. There was no way he could, or would, push her into making a decision on that. It would only come with time.

What if she did?

That was something that kept him up at night. There were different scenarios. She could simply entertain the idea, but not invest herself. Or, she could decide that she wanted a child no question. If she made that choice and he wasn't of a similar mind, could it be a deal breaker? Again, her certainly couldn't fault her if it was.

"What are you thinking about so damn hard?"

She was peering up at him with questions in her eyes. Maybe a hint of concern as well.

"That's the first time you've mentioned the future in…a while."

"Yeah."

The word came out quietly.

"I like it."

She held his gaze.

"Is there…something you want to talk about?"

Walt shrugged one shoulder.

"Not specifically."

Now didn't feel like the time. She was coming around, but pushing her too hard too fast would only cause her to backpedal. She would progress on her own just like she was doing now. The conversations would evolve naturally. There was no good reason to try and force it.

"I just…like that you're thinking about it."

"It's not…as overwhelming as it was. I…want to be with you. You know that. Right?"

"Yes."

She nodded. She was warm up against him, her body heat mixing with his own. That was all the answer he gave her. There was no reason to elaborate or to ask her why she was asking him that. Reassurance was never a bad thing. His answer was quick and decisive as it should be. He loved her. That wasn't going to change.

"Thank you."

The comment caught him off guard.

"For what?"

He was sincerely puzzled.

"For…being patient with me."

"You've been patient with me, too."

She snorted at the idea of her being patient.

"Okay. But…you've been really patient with me, Walt. I appreciate it. I do."

"I know. You don't have to thank me. That's just…how it should be. We don't need a road map. We'll get where we're going in our own time. Both…of us. Not just mine or yours."

She smiled at him softly. It took him all the way back to that first night together when they both stood in this very room so full of uncertainty about what was happening between them. What was about to happen. He didn't realize then they were just scratching the surface of where this journey would take them.

"That's…that's good. I like it. I'm…I'm know that I haven't had all the answers you probably want…"

Walt shook his head and she went quiet.

"Do you know what I want?"

She tilted her head.

"What?"

"This right here. Just you and me. That's…what I want. Right now and in the future."

Her eyes held his.

"That's…you know…you really should talk more. You're not as bad at it as you think."

"Maybe I will. So…you want to help me with the kitchen? I know you like to get your hands dirty."

Her expression shifted to one of amusement.

"Wow. That…sounded dirty."

He smiled. He couldn't help himself.

"I didn't mean for it to."

She laughed, her body vibrating.

"Yes, I'll help you with the kitchen. But…"

Vic stood up slowly, unfolding her legs.

"…that's something for tomorrow."

"Is it?"

"Yep. Tonight…"

Vic extended her hand to him. Walt looked at it before he took it in his much larger hand. Vic tugged and he knew she wanted him to stand. He did, rising to his full height. Vic looked up into his face.

"…let's go to bed. We can worry about the rest of it…later."

End.

Notes: Thank you for reading this. It was the longest story I've written. To be honest, it could be so much longer. But, this felt like the correct place to end it for the time being. I hope that you enjoyed it.