I do not own anything in these stories. All rights go to the creator Chris Savino and the current showrunner, Michael Rubiner. This story is a parody of yet another Simpsons Season 1 episode "Life on the Fast Lane." The rights of that show go to the creator, Matt Groening and developer James L. Brooks. Lynn Loud Jr. is now thirteen years old starting with this chapter and it reveals that Clyde McBride is Lynn's boyfriend.
It was the morning of Wednesday, August 13, 1986 in the Loud House and Lincoln, Ronnie Anne and their parents Bobby and Lori were making a big birthday breakfast with help from Leni, Luna and Lisa. Apparently, the kitchen is sort of a disaster area, due no doubt to their genius attempt at cooking though Lori and Ronnie Anne happen to do a great job at cooking.
"You know, guys. I think this is going to be the best birthday breakfast that Lynn will ever have," Lori commented to Bobby, Ronnie Anne, Lincoln, Leni, Luna and Lisa.
"I sure agree, dear. This will be great for her," Bobby agreed while Lincoln holds a plate of 42 pancakes.
"Hey, Mom. Dad. Do you think this will be enough for her?" Lincoln asked them.
"Maybe one more," Lori replied while Ronnie Anne removes a cake from the microwave.
Ronnie Anne then spoke to her parents, "Hey, Mom, Dad. I hope Lynn likes the presents we got her."
"Well, I know she will like ours, bros," Luna said before she and Leni show them a 10-litre jug labelled `French Perfume' in English, and Leni then spoke, "Who wouldn't like a bottle of real French perfume? All the way from beautiful Paris! Foooouuur bucks plus tax."
"Well, I think she's gonna like our handmade birthday card better," Lori replied.
"Oh, big deal. Dry macaroni, spray paint and glue. Whoopie," Leni said as she, Lisa and Luna were not impressed by Lori, Lincoln and Ronnie Anne's hand-made birthday card...until they see it which says "Lynn, Our Number 1 Sport." They then become impressed and she whistles.
"Fascinating," Luna commented.
"Yeah, very delighted," Leni agreed.
Lori then starts mixing the icing for the cake, and Leni decides to make dibs on licking the beater.
"Dibs. First dibs. I get to lick the beaters," Leni exclaimed while Lori hands her the electric mixer. Suddenly when Leni tries to lick the beaters, her tongue suddenly gets stuck, "Whago, agh agh aghh! Woori! Mugh humgb ipht paht im dapt beiter, Mugh humgb!"
Sometime later, the seven of them head upstairs into Lynn and Lucy's bedroom carrying a breakfast tray that consisted of a monumental stack of pancakes a thing of syrup and a glass of milk towards Lynn who as still sleeping in her bed.
"Ready, guys?" Lori asked them.
"Yep, we're ready," Lincoln agreed.
With that, Bobby, Lori, Lincoln, Ronnie Anne, Leni, Luna and Lisa all took a deep breath and shouted out, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LYNN LOUD, JR!"
It suddenly wakes Lynn Loud Jr. up.
"Aaah! Wha... what the...?" Lynn screamed.
"Here's your birthday breakfast!" Luna and Leni said happily.
Lynn was amazed by the birthday breakfast.
"Why thank you. This is such an amazing birthday breakfast," Lynn said happily when suddenly, her parents Rita and Lynn Sr. enter the bedroom.
"Ooh, it's my birthday?" Lynn Sr. asked in surprise.
"No!" Lori, Leni and Luna shouted angrily.
"It's my birthday? What did I get? I love birthdays!" Lynn Sr. said happily.
"No, Dad! It's mine!" Lynn shouted angrily.
"You don't even know your own daughter's birthday?" Luna asked angrily.
"Well, of, ...of course we know! Sure!" Lynn Sr. nudges Lori with his elbow, "Your sister really thought I'd forgot, didn't she, Lori?"
He and his wife Rita both then head to their room to get dressed.
"Oh, right. What did you get her, Dad?" Leni asked.
"Yeah, what did you get her, father?" Lisa asked as Rita and Lynn Sr. both get dressed and head back to Lynn and Lucy's room.
"Well, your father and I are getting her a very... thoughtful gift... but it's a surprise!" Rita replied nervously as she and Lynn Sr. both stretch their arms.
"You know it's such a beautiful morning, I think my wife and I should take little stroll around the town," Lynn Sr. replied before they went downstairs and out the door.
They hear the pit-pat of four feet accelerating down the stairs and into Vanzilla, followed by the squeal of car tires as they both drove off.
"Mom, I think they forgot," Lincoln commented.
"Yeah, I think so too, hon," Lori replied.
With the Loud Parents, they speed the van into the parking lot of the Royal Woods Mall, to find that the mall has not yet opened for trading.
"Oh, boy. Lynn honey, I think we might be a little early today," Rita replied.
Fortunately, the wait for the mall to open is brief.
"Good Morning, Consumers. The Royal Woods Mall is now open for your spending needs," the mall cop announced as the mall finally opens up, Rita and Lynn Sr. then hurry in underneath the security door.
As they start walking through the mall, they start passing by each shop they approach. First off, they pass by the International House of Answering Machines but Lynn Sr and Rita reject each shop they come across. "Ahh, No," Then they pass by The Jerky Hut, "Too salty!" and then, the Ear Piercery, "Umm, Naah!" followed by The Carmel Corn Warehouse, "Naah, too Corny," suddenly, they pass the Fancy Lingerie area.
"Wow, too exciting!" Rita commented.
"Nah, she's too smart to fall for it. You know. It's got to be something related to sports," Lynn Sr. suggested.
"Lynn, you're right. We should probably head to the sporting supplies store," Rita agreed as they went over to the sporting supplies store.
"Maybe we should buy our little sporty girl a bowling ball," Lynn Sr. suggested to Rita, "Perhaps she hasn't bowled in a while."
Back home, Lori was on the phone with Aunt Ruth and Albert Reeds.
"Hey, fellas. Mom and Dad are out buying my sporty sister something right now," Lori explained to the phone.
"Oh, Lori my dear girl, they never get you or your kids anything any of you want. They always get something for themselves," Albert explained.
"The new wallet for Lori..." Aunt Ruth whispered.
"Remember when your mother got you a new wallet on your twelfth birthday?" Albert asked on the phone.
"...and the new set of comics for Lincoln..." Aunt Ruth whispered.
"And when they surprised your adopted son with that set of Ace Savvy comics when he was eight years old?" Albert asked on the phone.
"I'm sure they don't do it deliberately," Lori explained.
Back at the Royal Woods Mall at the sporting supplies store, Lynn Sr. and Rita inspect a red bowling ball.
"There it is, Rita. This is a bowling ball. This will be a perfect birthday present for our daughter," Lynn Sr. said happily.
"It sure will, Lynn," Rita said happily.
Back at home, Lori was still on the phone with Ruth and Albert.
"Well, the kids and I, and Bobby of course, all had a lovely dining experience together at Jean-Juan's, or... Ooh, Aloha Comrade seems nice," Lori explained to the phone.
"No, no, no, Lori. We wanna take your sister someplace fun... The Singing Sirloin," Ruth suggested.
"Hmmm... the place where the waiters sing. Hmmm... all right. Sounds good. I'll see you there. Gotta go," Lori hangs up, ending the call.
At the same moment, Lynn Sr. and Rita return home from the mall, lugging a gift-wrapped present into the house and stash it under their bed in the master bedroom.
"Mom? Dad?" Lori asked, "Are you there?"
"We'll be right there, Lori," Lynn Sr. replied as he and Rita hide the present under the bed, they both head to the dining room as Lynn Sr. was whistling, "In the Hall of the Mountain King" from "Peer Gynt" by Grieg.
"Guess what, guys? We're having dinner tonight at the Singing Sirloin," Lori explained.
"That sounds delightful. All 13 of..." Lynn Sr. replied but Bobby and Ronnie Anne looked at him angrily, "...I mean fifteen of us together listening to the beautiful balladeers. I almost forgot Bobby and her daughter."
"And our friend Clyde is also going to be here," Lori explained, "I just realized that he is actually Lynn's boyfriend."
"That's fair enough," Rita replied.
"And Aunt Ruth will also be here," Lori added but the sisters all groan, "And Grampa well!" and then they all cheer.
That night at the Singing Sirloin, Harold and Holly McBride were celebrate their wedding anniversary.
"Oh we danced, on the night, we were wed..."
At another table, a young man proposes to his very pregnant girlfriend.
"Having my baby, what a lovely way to say how much I love you..."
And at another table, there was a funeral party going on.
Nearer, my God, to Thee, Nearer to Thee..."
At the Louds' table with everyone, including Clyde McBride, crammed around the table, Lynn Loud Jr. was opening her presents.
"Ooh, perfume. How did it get in my presence?" Lynn asked in surprise as she opens the jug of perfume Luna got her and once she opened it, she was overwhelmed by the scent of the perfume, "Wow! I had no idea it was such a strong scent. But it's a great unexpected present. Thanks, Luna."
"No problem, sis," Luna replied.
"Yeah, she said you're welcome, Lynn," Luan added.
"Hmmm... she's 13 years old today," Aunt Ruth commented.
"And she's got herself a boyfriend already," Albert commented.
"Happy Birthday, Junior. You've officially become a teenager," Clyde said to his girlfriend happily.
"Geez, thanks, Clyde. It's such an honor with you being here," Lynn said happily.
"Hmmm, 13 years, you know, seems like a milestone for her, so she'll probably expect her first period sometime soon," Aunt Ruth commented.
"He he he, she sure is growing up," Albert commented happily.
"Of course she is, Grampa. In fact, maybe I'll buy her some new packs of tampons and pads when she gets her first period. That's kind of when she starts bleeding from her vag," Lori explained.
"Boy, Lori, you sure are a smart young lady," Albert said with joy.
"Yeah, plus Bobby and I are about to begin our senior year in high school soon after Labor Day," Lori explained.
"Ooooh. Sounds like someone's gonna be graduating from high school next year," Aunt Ruth replied.
"Yeah, and Mom and Dad are the ones graduating pretty soon," Ronnie Anne added.
"Yeah, you sure got it right, kids," Bobby agreed.
"Hey, Luna. I think Lynn might like our handmade birthday card better," Lori explained.
"Hey, Lori. She already likes the perfume I bought her better," Luna complained.
"I don't know if she likes the perfume better, but we shouldn't get into a fight on what birthday present someone likes better," Lori explained.
"Right. Hey, Lynn. How come you're not putting on any of my perfume?" Luna asked with worry.
"Well Lynn is saving it... for a special occasion," Rita said to them diplomatically.
"What the hell are you talking about? There's gallons of it!" Leni and Luna both complained.
"But, guys. This occasion is already so special," Lori explained.
"Yeah, if we make it any more special, we might end up making it less special," Lynn finished.
"Hmmm... okay, Lynn," Luna replied.
"Oh, brother," Luan complained.
"Very well, then," Ronnie Anne said to herself.
"Hey, guys. LJ hasn't opened ours yet," Lynn Sr. complied.
"Okay, balladeers. Do your thing," Rita commanded and the balladeers come in to sing "Happy 13th Birthday, Lynn Loud Jr."
"Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy 13th birthday, dear Lynn Loud, Jr., Happy birthday to you"
"Here you go, LJ." Lynn Sr. said softly as he prepared to hand LJ her present but suddenly, the bottom of the box falls out, depositing a red bowling ball, with Lynn and Lynn Sr.'s first name "Lynn" engraved on it, which lands right onto the birthday cake. All, including Clyde, were shocked speechless with Lori's right hand covering her mouth.
"Don't worry, LJ. This frosting will come right off. Beauty, isn't she?" Lynn Sr. looked to the ball.
"Well, it's hard for Lynn to judge SINCE SHE HASN'T BOWLED IN A LONG TIME!" Lori yelled angrily at her parents.
"Well if Junior doesn't want it, I know someone how does..." Rita said nervously.
Lori then blows out the last surviving candle on Lynn's cake with an angry huff.
"Geez, Lynn. You've got such dumb, blind parents," Clyde commented.
"Don't mention it, McBride," Lynn denied despondently.
Back at home that night, Bobby, Lori, Lincoln, Ronnie Anne and Lynn were about to get into the two separate beds with Lori looking away from the parent who were at the door.
"You know, you often say we should talk, so your father and I are talking right now, as a matter of fact," Rita confessed.
But we're going to stop in a second, so please, say something back to us, guys, please? We're gonna stop talking... now," Lynn Sr. confessed.
"You bought that bowling ball for you, Dad. Not for your Junior," Lori replied angrily.
"What? No, Lori, please," Lynn Sr. confessed.
"The holes were drilled for your fingers!" Lori yelled angrily.
"But your father and I wanted to surprise your sister, Lori. We couldn't very well chop your sister's hand off and bring it to the store," Rita confessed.
"You never intended for Lynn to use that ball!" Lori yelled angrily.
"If that's how you feel, then we'll take it back," Lynn Sr. confessed.
"You can't take it back, Dad! You had your name engraved on it!" Lori yelled angrily.
"So your sister would know it was from me!" Lynn Sr. confessed, "Or wait, it has LJ's first name."
"Mom, Dad, I am keeping the ball... FOR MYSELF!" Lynn yelled angrily.
"What? But you haven't bowled in a long time. Oops," Rita confessed.
"Mom, Dad, I'm keeping the ball, and I'm going to use it," Lynn yelled angrily at her parents.
"Yeah, Thank you for the present, Mom and Dad!" Lori said angrily before she turns off her bedroom lamp and the five of them go to sleep with Lynn sleeping with Lincoln and Ronnie Anne.
"Well... you're... welcome," Rita said with worry and she and Lynn Sr. both leave the room.
Thursday, August 14, 1986
The next evening, Lori and Lynn hopped into the car and were driving to the Royal Woods Bowling Alley.
"Hey, Lori. How come you're not bringing Lincoln with you?" Lynn asked Lori with worry.
"Lynn, look. I know it's kind of tough, but I just want to have some time on my own... with you," Lori said softly, "Lynn. So I'm leaving Bobby in charge of my kids Lily and Lincoln."
"Uhhhh... okay," Lynn replied.
Once they arrived and parked at the Royal Woods Bowling Alley, they entered with Lori carrying the bowling ball.
"Uh, hi there. How's it doing tonight? Um... is there anything going on?" Lori asked.
"Would you like to get yourself a lane?" the attendant asked.
"Uh, yes, sir. I'm showing Lynn how to get back into bowling by the way," Lori replied nervously.
"Oh, okay, here you go," the attendant said as he hands Lori a scoresheet, "You keep score on this. What sized shoes do you and your... sister wear, Lori?"
"Oh, uh... size 9. That's Lynn's size," Lori responded nervously.
"Size 9 for Lynn, and Size 10.5 for Lori, "The attendant then goes to the shoe shelf and gets a pair of red size 9 shoes and a pair of blue size 10.5 shoes and hands them to the two, "Here you go."
"Thank you," Lori said as she and Lynn take the bowling shoes.
"Yeah, thanks, man," Lynn thanked as she and Lori take their lane which is Lane 10 as Lori and Lynn prepares to put on her bowling shoes.
"Hmmm... they're a little warm and moist," Lori commented as she and Lynn put on their rented bowling shoes.
With that, Lynn grabs the bowling ball as she steps up to the toe line and said to herself, "Boy, I've haven't bowled in a long time, so I should see if I'm still good at it."
"Go ahead, Lynn. Give it a try," Lori said happily and Lynn gets the basic idea, then hurtles the bowling ball down the lane, knocking over the seven and eight pins, "Hmmm... not very good, I'm afraid."
In the next lane, a male bowler bowls a strike and collects a wager, to the cheers of adoring women.
"So, 120 pins later, I am the better man," the bowler said to himself.
"I don't see what he's doing that's so different from what I'm doing," Lynn said to herself.
"Why don't I give it a shot, Lynn?" Lori said nicely as she grabs the bowling ball and gives it a heave, suddenly knocking over the seven pin... in the next lane, "Oh my god, I'm awfully sorry!"
"Entirely my fault. It's nice to meet you..." he looks at the bowling ball that Lori was holding, "...Lynn."
"No no. Lynn is my... sister. I'm Lori," Lori introduced the bowler before she and Lynn then head back to the table to fill in their scoresheet as he approaches their hands.
"Lori, your fingers are so slender, so feminine. They're far too tapered for the ball your sister is using. Your sister needs something lighter, more delicate. Here, Lynn use my ball.
"Uh, no thanks, Mr... uh..." Lori said as she and Lynn both looked at his bowling ball, "Brunswick."
"Call me Jacques," the bowler introduced himself.
"Uh, Jacques," Lynn replied.
"Yeah. Jacques," Lori agreed.
"Lori. Lynn," Jacques called.
"I'll just use my ball," Lynn said nervously.
"Me too," Lori agreed.
"As you wish. Many people have senseless attachments to heavy, clumsy things, such as this Lynn of yours," Jacques explained.
"Hmm," Lynn said nervously.
"Uh-huh," Lori said nervously.
"May I ask you both a bold question?" Jacques asked.
"Sure." they both replied.
"You've never bowled before," Jacques explained.
"Hardly," Lynn replied.
"Hardly," Jacques replied.
"Yeah, she's hardly bowled," Lori said nervously.
"Then I will teach you girls," Jacques explained.
"Ooh, neither of us want to trouble you," Lori said nervously.
"Not at all. I am a professional. First off, roll the ball for me, Lynn. Let me see your form," Jacques explained.
"All right. But I'm not very good," Lynn replied as she throws the ball and knocks over only the seven pin, "Well, I can hit that one pin all right, but the rest of them don't even wobble."
"I can help you, Lynn. Pick up the ball. Pick up this Lynn ball. Pick him up," Jacques explained as Lynn picked the ball up.
"So that's what it means," Lynn replied.
"Good, now throw, Lynn," Jacques suggested.
"I, uh..." Lynn said nervously.
"Throw, damn you," Jacques demanded.
"Uh, okay. Here goes," Lynn replied as she throws the ball down the lane and suddenly, she knocks down all ten bowling pins, "A strike."
"Wow. You're a very good teacher to us," Lori said softly.
"Yes, I am a very good teacher, and I can teach you both everything. I can tell you both what the little arrows on the wood floor mean, which frame is the beer frame. I bet you don't know how to make a five-seven-ten split. Do you, girls?" Jacques asked.
"Uhhh... no," Lynn said nervously.
"But first of all, you yell, "The eight-pin is a cop." Jacques was then enchanted by Lori and Lynn's laughter. "Let it out, ladies. Laugh loud. Laugh out loud. You'll lose weight."
"Oh my, that's very funny," Lori laughed.
"Feels good," Jacques replied.
"Hmmm, we didn't realize there was so much to this game," Lynn said in happiness.
"So, Jacques. What do you charge for lessons?" Lori asked.
"Twenty-five dollars," Jacques replied.
"Twenty-five dollars!" Lori said in surprise.
"It's a $40 value," Jacques added.
"Well, all right. When do we start? I think Lori and I might become really good at bowling," Lynn asked.
"We have already begun," Jacques replied.
At the Loud House, Bobby was serving dinner with Lincoln, Ronnie Anne and Lily as he opened a box of pizza.
"Now this is living, eh, kids? Hot pizza... the food of kings," Bobby explained.
"Don't be scared, Dad. It's not so hard takin' care of us," Lincoln commented.
"Don't worry, son. I'm not scared. I think it's a great chance to spend some time with you kids. Your mother got to be alone with you before she got herself a job back in March. and now it's my turn," Bobby replied and the four of them then start eating their pizza, "Hey, does the time always drag like this?"
At the bowling alley, Jacques was introducing Lori and Lynn to the bowling lane, up close and personal.
"First, you both must get to know your lane. Feel the slickness, feel the slippery finish," Jacques explained, "Caress it, experience it. Quite smooth, isn't it?
"Hmmm, yeah, very smooth," Lori replied.
"Yeah, very smooth," Lynn replied.
"Smooth?" Jacques asked.
"Yes, very," Lynn replied.
"Yes?" Jacques asked.
"Yep," Lynn replied.
"Uh-huh," Lori replied.
"Yes." Jacques asked.
"Smooth," Lori replied.
"Smooth," Jacques explained.
"Yes. Very smooth," Lynn replied.
"Yes. You could eat off of it," Jacques explained.
"Uh..." Lynn said nervously.
"Hmmm..." Lori said nervously.
"You both hungry?" Jacques asked.
"Uh-huh," Lori replied.
"FOUR ONION RINGS!" Jacques yelled.
Back at the house, everybody has finished their dinner.
"Mmmmm! Delicious!" Ronnie Anne commented after she finished her pizza.
"My compliments to the delivery boy," Lincoln commented happily.
"Ok, we've eaten and eaten well. Now what else do we have to do? Well, let's check the list your Mom left us... Eat, huhmmmm," Bobby ticked with a pencil, "Oh, clean up! Now don't worry everybody, this will be a breeze if we all pitch in," they then form a human chain to the bin as they throw the empty pizza box away, "All right! We're clean! Now we'll..." he looks to Lily, "...put Lily to bed."
In Lily's room, Bobby, Lincoln and Ronnie Anne stand beside Lily's crib singing a lullaby to her.
"Lullaby, and goodnight, come to bed and sleep tight. Close your eyes, start to yawn. Pleasant dreams until the dawn"
"Boy, what a day," Bobby then stretches his arms.
Later that night, Lori enters Lori and Leni's bedroom dressed in her pajamas and sees her boyfriend and her kids Lincoln and Ronnie Anne sleeping in her bed.
"Hey, Bobby. Bobby," Lori said softly to Bobby as he wakes up and so does Lincoln.
"Hu.. huh?" Bobby woke up.
"Oh, hi Mom. How was bowling?" Lincoln woke up and spoke softly.
"It's a very challenging hobby," Lori replied softly as she got into bed with Bobby, Lincoln and Ronnie Anne.
"Heh heh, It's a sport dear. It's a sport you silly thing," Bobby spoke softly.
"But I think Lynn and I will both do much better tomorrow night," Lori replied softly.
"Oh! You're going back?" Bobby asked.
"Oh sure, honey, if you don't mind taking care of the kids again," Lori said softly.
"Oh no, I don't mind at all," Bobby spoke softly.
Lori then gives Lincoln a little goodnight kiss. She then softly spoke to him, "Goodnight, Lincoln. Sweet dreams."
"Goodnight, Mom. Goodnight, Dad," Lincoln and Ronnie Anne both spoke softly as he went to sleep.
"Sleep tight, kids," Bobby whispered.
"And goodnight to you, honey," Lori whispered.
"Goodnight, dear," Bobby whispered as he and Lori both give one last goodnight kiss before they both went to sleep with their kids, Ronnie Anne and Lincoln. Lori then turns off her bedroom lamp, and she then goes to sleep with her boyfriend and her son together.
Friday, August 15, 1986
The next evening, Jacques gave Lori and Lynn a bowling glove each.
"Wow. One for each of us?" Lori asked in surprise.
"Cool, man," Lynn said happily as she and Lori both put on their bowling gloves, "Wow, they fit. You got in our respective sizes and each one has our name on it."
"It's really for us," Lori said happily.
"Seventeen fifty, enjoy it my ladies," Jacques thrusted himself upon the two girls.
Lynn then bowls and leaves only a single pin standing, then looks to Jacques and Lori both pleased with their improvement. Jacques then massages Lori's hands over a steam vent, and they look into each others' eyes with Lori blushing. He then fits Lori out with a new pair of bowling shoes and teaches her to hold a ball correctly, assists her in marking the scoresheet, helps her to dip a onion ring, more gazing into each others' eyes, and with that, the final bowling pin topples.
Later that night, Jacques gives Lori and Lynn both a lift home.
"Uh, you didn't have to drop us, Jacques," Lori explained.
"But I wanted to," Jacques replied as he grasps Lori's hand, "Lori, do you know how beautiful you and Lynn both look in the moonlight?"
"Errrr, Jacques! I'm a young mother!" Lori explained.
"I know, I know. My mind says stop, but my heart, and my hips, cry proceed," Jacques explained as Lori and Lynn both react accordingly, "Lori, Lynn. I... I want to see you both tomorrow. Not at the Royal Woods Bowling Alley, away from the thunderous folly of clattering pins. Meet me tomorrow for Brunch."
"Uh, what's Brunch?" Lori asked.
"You'd love it, It's not quite breakfast, it's not quite lunch, but it comes with a slice of cantaloupe at the end. You don't get completely what you would at breakfast, but you get a good meal!" Jacques explained.
"I don't know, Jacques, but... Lori and I aren't sure what to do right now," Lynn replied.
"Lori, Lynn, my ladies. There are ten pins in my heart, you've knocked over eight. Won't you girls please pick up that spare?" Jacques asked.
"Mmmm, mmmmm... All right, Jacques!" Lori replied hesitantly.
With that, Lori and Lynn get out of the car and head inside. Later, they change into their pajamas and Lynn went back to her bed and Lori got into bed with Bobby in Lori's bed and Lincoln and Ronnie Anne sleeping in Leni's usual bed.
"Mom?" Ronnie Anne asked Lori.
"What, Ronnie?" Lori asked softly.
"Nothing," Ronnie Anne replied.
"Oh, okay," Lori replied as they all then fall asleep with Lori sleeping with Bobby.
Saturday, August 16, 1986
That morning the Loud Sisters were getting ready for another day.
"Kids, let's go. It's time to go spend the day with your grandfather," Rita called and the girls sans Leni stampede down the stairs and out to Vanzilla.
"Wow, these girls sure are fast aren't they?" Lynn Sr. commented.
"Well, the sooner we arrive, the better," Rita added.
At the Retirement Home, the Loud Parents and their daughters, sans Lori and Lynn, were having some breakfast with their grandfather.
"Hmm, Great food here, hey Luan?" Lisa suggested.
"Oh girls, don't you see? This is what psychologists call Over-compensation, Lori is racked with guilt because her adopted kids are being abused a lot and she needs someone to keep close watch on them," Luan explained.
"Hey, don't rock the boat, granddaughters. Whatever it is, we're gonna be alright," Albert replied with happiness.
"Grampa, I've read about what happens to kids whose parents no longer love and cherish each other and are in the process of getting a divorce," Leni explained, "They go through twelve separate stages. Disbelief, Denial, Fear, Anger, Bargaining, Shame, Depression, Self-pity, Out-of-body-experience, Empty feeling, Looking ahead and Secret hope.
"Wow, Leni. You sure are a smart young lady like Lori," Albert said with joy.
"You mean the one who's literally teaching Lynn how to bowl right now?" Leni asked softly.
"Hmmm, well right now, most of us are in stage three, Fear," Rita replied.
"Right now, Lola, You're in stage two, Denial," Lana explained.
"No I'm not!" Lola whined.
"Yes you are!" Leni shouted.
"No, I'm not!" Lola whined.
"Yes you are!" Luna shouted.
"Am not! Am not! Am not!" Lola shouted.
"Lana, Lola, will you two stop this at once?!" Leni yelled at the twins.
"Yes, Mommy," Lola and Lana said to Leni in fear.
Meanwhile, at a diner, Jacques inspects the brunch menu while Lori and Lynn nervously wring a napkins in their hands.
"Mimosa?" Jacques asked.
"Jacques, please don't call us that," Lori corrected.
"Nononono. Mimosa is the name of the drink. It's orange juice and champagne. You're both so wonderful that you thought it was something offensive," Jacques explained.
"Oooo, well thank you," Lori accepted the compliment.
Suddenly, Holly walks by.
"Lori? Lori Loud? I'm Holly McBride. The beloved wife of Harold McBride," Holly greeted herself.
"Oh, yes. Hello, Mrs. McBride," Lori greeted.
"Well, I have just finished eating and was about to leave, when I looked over this way and said to myself, Huh! Isn't that Lori Loud and her sister Lynn Loud Jr. over there, both having brunch with a man who isn't her boyfriend?" Holly replied as Jacques is annoyed, Lori and Lynn both force a smile, "Ha ha, and I just had to come over and say Hello!"
"Well, we're.. um.." Lynn said nervously.
"Oh, don't squirm on my account," Holly suggested.
"I am giving them a bowling lesson, thank you. Now Lori, Lynn," Jacques is using the salt shakers, "the pins on the 3-7-10 split would be here. We'll make this little piece of food here the ball, the ball's bigger, you know that but for food, this is a good ball."
Holly was suspecting something.
"Ahem, well, bye-bye. Hey, girls. Good luck when school returns in September," Holly replied.
"Good-bye Mrs. McBride," Lynn and Lori waved to Holly.
"Goodbye, Holly. You have a lovely friend there," Jacques replied.
"Uhhh... well..." Lynn wanted to say something.
Let's hope something runs over her," Jacques explained and they snigger, "Your laughter is like music to me, but if you laugh at what I say next, I will die. For I am about to say something very serious, perhaps shocking to your sister, Lynn," Jacques explained, "Lori, my darling, I want you to meet with me, again."
"Well, that doesn't shock me," Lori replied before Jacques reached across the table.
"Away from prying eyes, away from the Holly's of the world. At my apartment, the Fiesta Terrace," Jacques explained.
Suddenly, Lori faints and she starts dreaming with a definite bowling motif and a light grey and pink scheme. Dressed in a pink ballroom gown, she rings a doorbell and Jacques dressed in a tuxedo answers the door.
"I've been waiting for you. Come in my captivating one," Jacques explained.
With that, curtains rise revealing the interior to his lavishly furnished apartment. The two of them dance, and during a dance movement, Lori notices a trophy case filled with awards.
"Wow, you certainly have a lot of bowling trophies," Lori complied.
"Ha ha," Jacques whispered, "I really like you so much. They aren't for bowling, Lori. You're so naive, they're for lovemaking."
"Really?" Lori asked.
"Yes," Jacques whispered.
After a most stylish sequence of them dancing together, Lori rests at a cocktail bar.
"Champagne?" Jacques asked.
"Please," Lori replied and Jacques offers her some champagne.
"There, my darling," Jacques whispered.
"Thank you," Lori replied.
With that, they sip with their arms entwined, then toss the glasses over their shoulders and resume dancing.
"What cosmic force brought us together, Lori?" Jacques asked.
"What brought us together was destiny!" Lori whispered.
"Yes. Some divine pin-spotter, must have placed us, side-by-side," Jacques whispered.
"Just like two fragile bowling pins," Lori whispered.
"Standing bravely," Jacques whispered
"Until inevitably," Lori whispered.
"We must topple," Jacques whispered.
Lori's fantasy concludes as Lori wakes up. It reveals that Jacques is trying to revive her has she lies on the restaurant floor.
"Lori! Lori! Speak to me!" Jacques screamed.
"Lori, are you awake?" Lynn said in fear.
"Is Sunday okay?" Lori woke up.
"It's okay indeed," Jacques replied.
Back at home, Bobby changes from his shirt in Lori and Leni's bedroom and notices a photograph on his girlfriend's dressing table of him and Lori on a date. He discovers the bowling glove in his girlfriend's dresser.
"For... Lori?" Bobby replied cheerlessly as he sadly realizes that Lori must be seeing someone else. He places the glove back in drawer and sits cheerlessly on the end of the bed, when all of a sudden, Lincoln trots in with a baseball glove.
"Hey Dad! What do we say we toss the old apple around, huh? Sound like fun?" Lincoln suggested.
"Lincoln, I don't know if I can lift my head, let alone a ball that was bought for Lynn originally," Bobby replied cheerlessly.
"Come on Dad, get the lead out," Lincoln drags Bobby out of the bedroom by the arm.
Outside, Bobby stands listless at the far end of the backyard wearing a baseball glove.
"Santiago checks the runner on first, he's cool. He's fine. Here's the windup, and Heerree's the pitch," Lincoln called as he threw the ball, suddenly beaning Bobby on the forehead. Bobby then slumps to the ground and Lincoln runs to him, "Dad, you didn't even say Ouch!"
Oh... Sorry... Ouch," Bobby said quietly.
Worried, Lincoln then runs to his family, including Lily and Ronnie Anne, who were all sitting underneath the porch light.
"Girls, girls, I think you're right about Dad. There's something very very wrong here," Lincoln said in fear.
"Well, Lincoln, welcome to stage three, Fear," Leni said depressingly.
"Well come on, girls! We've got to do something man!" Lincoln suggested in fear.
"Sorry, bro. We would love to help you but the twins, Lucy Leni and I are all mired in stage five, self-pity," Luna said depressingly.
Lincoln then runs back to Bobby.
"Look, Dad. I don't know what's going on, but once you gave me some advice that might help," Lincoln explained in fear.
"Hmmm? Advice? What advice was it?" Bobby asked.
"Let's see, uh... you told me when something's bothering you, and you're too damn stupid to know what to do, just keep your fool mouth shut. At least that way you won't make things worse," Lincoln said in fear.
"Hmmm, good advice, kiddo," Bobby agreed as they went inside.
Sunday, August 17, 1986
That morning, Lori was in in the kitchen making sandwiches. Bobby enters and almost reaches for his girlfriend's hand, but pauses to pick up his lunch box instead. As he is about to leave through the back door, he turns around and looks to Lori.
"Lori. May I.. speak to you?" Bobby asked in despair.
"Ummmm... sure, Bobby. You can say anything to me," Lori said sadly.
"You know, I've been thinking. Everyone makes peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but usually the jelly drips out over the sides and the guy's hands get all sticky. But your jelly stays right in the middle where it's supposed to. I don't know how you do it," Bobby said in despair, "You've just got a gift I guess, and I've always thought so, I've just never mentioned it. But it's time you knew how I feel. I don't believe in keeping feelings bottled up. Goodbye my lady," and he left.
"...Goodbye Bobby. Good luck," Lori replied sadly as she shed tears.
In his apartment at the Fiesta Terrace, Jacques prepares himself in front of the bathroom mirror.
"To the most beautiful moment in life, Better than a deed, better than a memory, the moment... of anticipation! Oh Jacques, you handsome devil. Look at you, You're really going to STRIKE OUT TONIGHT!" Jacques called out.
At the Royal Woods Hospital where Maria was working, it was lunch-time. Bobby sits staring forlornly at his sandwich.
"Ain't you hungry Bobby?" Maria asked.
"Starving, madre," Bobby answered sadly.
"Then why aren't you eating your sandwich?" Maria asked.
"How can I eat it? Lori made it, it's all I have left from her," Bobby said in despair and he packs up his sandwich and walks away.
"I think he has a domestic situation, dear," Arturo commented.
With Lori, she was driving through Royal Woods on her way to see Jacques. Stopping at the traffic lights, she sees a wedding, and averts her eyes to the other direction only to see a young couple wheeling a pram. The lights turn green and she speeds off. At the next stop sign, Lori uneasily watches a family at a picnic, and the elderly couple walking down the path at the next stop drives the point further, with the help of two gravestones side-by-side and two skeletons (costumes) holding hands.
"Oh no. Bobby!" Lori replied in fear as she continued driving.
Later, at the turnoff to the Royal Woods Hospital and the Fiesta Terrace, Lori initially prepares to head towards the Fiesta, but skids to a halt and reverses to the Royal Woods Hospital. She returns to the intersection and sits staring at the turnoff sign and takes a deep breath.
"Sorry, Jacques. But our day at the Fiesta Terrace is off!" Lori said angrily as she drives toward the Royal Woods Hospital, "Hold on, Bobby! Your old babe's coming for you!"
Lori then enters the hospital, to the surprise of all the workers in their doctor and nurse outfits. She then marches down the main hallway, attracting the attention of everyone including Dr. Richard. Her silhouette passes a doorway, and finds Bobby working unhappily at a nurse's assistant. Suddenly, Lori comes close to Bobby and taps him on the shoulder.
"Lori! What a lovely surprise!" Bobby exclaimed, "You're here to see me, right?"
"Of course, honey!" Lori said tearfully as she cuddles and kisses Bobby on the cheek. Bobby picks her up and carries her past the cheering hospital workers.
"Way to go, Bobby! Way to Go!" Arturo cheered.
"Hey, Bobby. What will I tell the boss?" Maria asked.
"Tell him I'm going to the back seat of our car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!" Bobby commanded happily.
The other employees continued applauding and cheering as for Bobby as he carries Lori outside into the sunset.