Scene: A live stage performance being spectated by thousands. The stage is set with a couch, table, deck of cards on said couch, 2 oven stoves, and a fridge. By each stove is a pot, full cup of water, and some utensils. The Stoves and Fridge are plugged into a small, makeshift power source made by Alphys. Papyrus is ready to introduce himself.
"WELCOME! LADIES AND GENTLESKELETONS! INTRODUCING THE MOST MARVELOUS SKELETON YOU WILL EVER LAY EYESOCKETS ON! IT IS THE ONE, THE GORGEOUS, THE GREAT GENIUS HIMSELF, SANS THE SKELETON!"
Sans walks on to the middle of the stage waving at the audience, who are all cheering at him. He takes a seat on the couch.
"What? Wait a minute! SANS! YOU CHANGED THE SCRIPT! I WAS SUPPOSE TO BE FIRST!"
"Whoops, sorry bro. You wanna start over?"
"NO NO, THAT WOULD BE FAR TOO AMATEURISH. I WILL SIMPLY USE THE INTRO MEANT FOR YOU ON MYSELF, FOR THE SAKE OF PROFESSIONALISM!"
"AND ALSO INTRODUCING! The lazy, boondoggling Papyrus."
He walks on stage slouching over with his hands in his pocket, while the song 'sans.' plays.
Papyrus walks over to the couch where Sans is sitting.
"I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU DID THIS!" He says while stomping his foot on the stage. "YOU WILL LIVE TO REGRET THIS SANS!"
"Don't you mean I'll 'unlive' to regret it?"
The audience laughs.
"I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR PUNS SANS! WE HAVE A SHOW TO DO!"
"Ahem!"
"WELCOME HUMANS AND MONSTERS! I AM THE GREAT MASTER CHEF PAPYRUS!"
An off-stage fan, activated by the technical producer Alphys, blows against him as he strikes a heroic pose, making his cape flutter in the breeze. The audience goes wild.
"Sup, I'm Sans."
The audience goes wild.
"TODAY, WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A COOKING COMPETITION! WE WILL HAVE 10 MINUTES TO COOK THE BEST BOWL OF SPAGHETTI! THE BEST BOWL WILL BE THE WINNER! AND SAID WINNER WILL RECEIVE A PRIZE, ONE BOWL OF SPAGHETTI! BEFORE WE BEGIN, I MUST DRESS ACCORDINGLY FIRST!"
Papyrus puts on a chef's hat and an apron that says "who cut the pasta?"
"ARE YOU READY BROTHER?"
"Yeah." He says while watching a show on TV as his legs are up on the table.
"ALRIGHT THEN! WE SHALL BEGIN IN 5!"
"4!"
"3!"
"2!"
"1!"
"0!"
"BEGIN!"
Papyrus dashes to the fridge as Sans continues watching TV. He pulls out some marinara sauce, a packet of noodles, oregano, Parmesan cheese, and a bag of meatballs. He brings it all over to the stove.
He starts his turn by taking the noodles and putting them in a pot, then filling it with a cup of water, and turning the stove on to the classic 350Fahrenheit, for 4 minutes.
"So. It appears we must now wait for the cooking to complete. NEVER FEAR BRETHREN, FOR I HAVE PLENTY OF IMPROV PLANNED FOR SUCH A MOMENT! I SHALL RECOUNT TO YOU ALL THE TALE OF HOW I WAS FINALLY ACCEPTED INTO THE ROYAL GUARD!"
As Papyrus explains his deep, complex, anime backstory, Sans gets up and goes to fridge. He pulls out a packet of microwaveable Spaghetti and puts it in there for 4 minutes.
"SO AFTER WAITING AT UNDYNE'S HOUSE ALL NIGHT, SHE DECIDED I WAS LOYAL ENOUGH TO BECOME A ROYAL!
guardsman."
The stove and microwave simultaneously ding.
"OOH! THE NOODLES ARE DONE!"
Papyrus mixes the noodles with a spoon, then places them on a plate, leaving the water in the pot. He dumps 3 medium sized meatballs on a plate, put it in the oven, and cooks it at 200Fahrenheit for 1 minute.
"AH, ANOTHER MOMENT REQUIRING MY PLANNED IMPROV? PAPYRUS TO THE RESCUE ONCE AGAIN!"
Sans listened in on Papyrus's story too, letting his spaghetti get cold in the microwave.
"AND JUST THEN, WHEN THE FATE OF THE UNIVERSE HUNG IN THE BALANCE, AND THE ONLY ONE WHO COULD PREVENT ITS DESTRUCTION WAS ME, I KNEW, THAT THE SOLUTION, WAS TO"
The oven dings.
"OH, GOODIE!"
He takes out the balls and adds them to the spaghetti, then the oregano, sauce, and Parmesan cheese above that. This process however, took time, as Papyrus cannot simply place them on the bowl Willy nilly. There is a specific order each item must go.
First, gently pour some sauce on the outwards part of the bowl, then slowly work your way in to the middle. Next, the oregano, which goes directly in the center. It must be facing counterclockwise on a Tuesday in March while the easterly winds blow to the east as the sun sets, but before the first star appears in the sky. Lastly, sprinkle the Parmesan cheese. Make sure 1/5ths of it lands safely on the 3 meatballs, not a single drop leaves the bowl, and if by the end you do not have enough remaining for another bowl, offer the rest to a hedge trimmed in the likeness of Papyrus.
Speaking of Papyrus, this all took him the rest of the allotted time to preform.
"NYEH HEH HEH HEH! TIME IS UP! SANS, SHOW THE LOVELY AUDIENCE YOUR CREATION PLEASE!"
"Ok."
Sans goes to the microwave and pulls out his spaghetti. He didn't remove the metallic cover, so it caught fire. He picks it up normally and puts it next to Papyrus's handcrafted plate of perfection.
"GREAT! NOW, I SEE NO NEED TO TRY MINE FIRST, AS I KNOW IT IS ALREADY PERFECT, SO I WILL HAVE SOME OF YOURS NOW!"
"Uuh, you sure about that bro?"
"OF COURSE I AM! AS A MASTER CHEF, I CANNOT BE AFRAID OF TASTING ANY MORSEL! I SHALL DEVOUR THE FOOD AND PLATE ITSELF IF I MUST!"
"Well, if you insist."
Papyrus grabs a fork and puts it in Sans's food. He elegantly spins the fork and pulls back some spaghetti and a bit of fire on his glove. The spaghetti on the fork is also on fire. He eats the spaghetti, chews the spaghetti, and swallows the spaghetti. He drops the fork, in utter disbelief at what he just tasted.
"I can't believe it. THIS SPAGHETTI IS COOKED TO PERFECTION! IT IS BOGGLING MY TASTY BUDS! MY EXCITEMENT CANNOT CONTAIN THE AROMA!"
"Wait a second. Why does your delicious aroma smell like smoke?"
Papyrus finally notices that his hand is on fire.
"NOT TO WORRY HUMANS AND MONSTERS! THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS HAVE A BOILING POT OF HOT WATER WITH YOU!"
Papyrus puts his hand in the pot. He screams because of how boiling hot it is. Now his entire arm is on fire. He runs around the stage frantically, shouting about how hot the fire is. The technical team off stage turns on the fan, putting out the fire on him. Papyrus doesn't realize that however, so he continues running around for 2 more minutes. When he finally finishes however.
"Nyeh heh. WELL. I HOPE YOU ALL LEARNED A LESSON TODAY. COOKING IS A VERY DANGEROUS JOB, THAT CAN CLAIM YOUR AFTERLIFE AT ANY MOMENT! YOU MUST BE PREPARED TO SACRIFICE EVERYTHING! PUT IT ALL ON THE LINE, FOR THE LOVE OF FOOD!"
"Yeah, walking to grillby's is dangerous work. You could get even hungrier on the way there."
The audience laughs, mostly because Sans said it
"UGH, GREASEBY'S, HOW REPULSIVE!"
"AHEM"
"I HATE TO SAY THIS, BUT OUR SHOW HAS UNFORTUNATELY COME TO AN END! THANKS FOR COMING FOLKS! WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME ON,"
"DID YOU SAY YOUR SHOW IS OVER?" A robotic sounding voice says from off stage.
"YES, BUT I NEED TO-" "OOOOH YES!"
Mettaton says as he rolls on stage.
"GREETINGS BEAUTIES AND OTHER BEAUTIES! WELCOME TO MY LIVE PERFORMANCE OF "ATTACK OF THE KILLER ROBOT!""
A sign above the stage lights up revealing the name of the show he just said.
"OOOH! AT LONG LAST! I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOREVER TO SEE SEASON 4! SO, WHO WILL YOU BE HUNTING DOWN FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIFE THIS SEASON?"
He pulls out a chainsaw from the stove somehow.
"A SKELETON NAMED PAPYRUS!"
"HMMM. BUT, I AM NOT SEEING ANY SKELETONS NAMED PAPYRUS IN THIS ROOM. THEY MUST BE VERY WELL HIDDEN FROM YOU METTATON!"
Mettaton takes out a mirror and puts in front of Papyrus. His jaw drops and his eye sockets widen in fear. He runs off stage screaming as Mettaton chases after him. Before he rolls off stage however, Mettaton pauses and turns to the audience.
"*Sigh.* ONCE AGAIN. I FIND THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, BUT HE REJECTS ME LIKE THE MONSTER I AM. A LONELY SOUL, TORTURED BY THE CONSTANT PAIN OF ISOLATION, UNABLE TO REMEDY IT, NO MATTER HOW PASSIONATELY I SHOVE MY CHAINSAW IN THEIR FACE. BUT ALAS, I MUST CONTINUE ON, FOR I KNOW THAT ONE DAY, ONE GLORIOUS DAY, I WILL EVENTUALLY DRIVE SOMEONE INSANE ENOUGH TO BECOME MY SOUL MATE. HOWEVER, UNTIL THAT DAY,"
He revs up his chainsaw.
"IT'S YOUR LOVE OR YOUR SKULL!"
Mettaton rolls off stage, forever destined to chase a running dream.
Now, the only one left on stage was Sans. It was up to him and his puns to save the show!
But, oh no! He was too busy watching "Attack of the killer robot" to care!
"Ah. This is nice, it's just what this network needed too, an action cartoon with deep, complex characters. The comedy is pretty skin tight too."
The audience laughs.
"The animation is also pretty chain sharp."
The audience laughs a little less.
"Overall, I'd say the team behind the show has got a lotta skillet."
Nobody is amused anymore.
"Jeez, sounds like I'm boneing you guys."
The technical crew had to play a laugh track because of how few people laughed.
"Eh. It's alright, it's not like puns are my specialty."
Sans goes back to watching TV. This is certainly it. With nothing to entertain the audience, they will start leaving, ratings will drop, and the show will get cancelled! Whatever shall we do?!
"NGAHHH!"
A heroic, distinctly male voice shouts. Suddenly, Undyne leaps down from the sky onto the stage!
"KILLER ROBOT METTATON! I'M HERE TO DEFEAT YOU, AND SAVE MY FRIEND PAPYRUS!"
". . ."
"Where is he?"
"They're off stage."
"Uh, oh. Ok. So, what are we suppose to do?"
"Entertain the audience."
"Oh! Heh! Big whoop, that'll be easy!"
"HEY DORKS, YOU WANNA BE ENTERTAINED? WELL I'M GONNA ENTERTAIN THE CRAP OUT OF YOU SO HARD, YOU'LL FEEL IT IN YOUR BONES FOR WEEKS!"
She stomps the ground with all her might. 2 Boulders fall from the ceiling, crashing onto the stage floor. Undyne grabs one of the boulders with both her hands, then lifts it above and behind her, smashing it against the floor.
"I'M NOT DONE YET!"
She summons 12 Energy Spears from thin air, and launches all of them at the other boulder. They collide with it at an unprecedented force, eating away at it like Undyne chewing a burger OUT of existence. She calls off the Spears, revealing that they have chiseled the boulder into the shape of Undyne conquering her greatest foe, saving everyone from their greatest fears, and overcoming the greatest obstacle any hero could EVER face, forgetting to flush the toilet. She did this by DESTROYING THE TOILET!
"HOW'S THAT FOR ENTERTAINMENT?!"
The audience stays silent for a few seconds. Someone then says "You should have chiseled Papyrus!"
"OH, SO YOU'RE NOT ENTERTAINED HUH? THEN HOW ABOUT THIS?!"
She points all of the Spears at the audience.
"I WANT ALL OF YOU TO BE ENTERTAINED RIGHT NOW, BEFORE I CHOP YOU ALL UP INTO PIECES! YOU GOT THAT!? DO IT! BE ENTERTAINED RIGHT NOW BEFORE I-"
"Undyne!"
Papyrus shouts while peeking his head on stage.
"Hey Papyrus!" She casually says while still aiming at the audience.
"SSSHHH SHH SHHH! Do not give away my location. Mettaton could be anywhere."
A chainsaw peers on stage above Papyrus's head.
"I do not see him however, so maybe he is not here right now."
Mettaton shouts "YOUR LOVE OR YOUR SKULL!" as he revs the chainsaw. Papyrus runs all the way across the other side of the stage. Before Mettaton follows him off stage however, he says like a dramatic narrator.
WILL METTATON FINALLY CAPTURE HIS ONE TRUE LOVE? WILL PAPYRUS SEE THAT THERE IS MORE TO THIS RIDICULOUS ROBOT THAT CHAINSAWS AND DEATH? OR WILL I BEHEAD ANOTHER BETROTHED? FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON "ATTACK OF THE KILLER ROBOT!" TOODLES!
Mettaton rolls off stage waving. The audience cheers louder and more passionately than any cheerleader ever could.
"Soooo. That's it? We're done here?"
"Yeah. You can go now."
"Uuh. Alright. See ya next time dorks!"
She walks off stage waving goodbye. Before exiting however, someone throws a tomato at her.
Undyne summons a spear and impales it against the backwall across the other side of the auditorium.
"WHO THREW THAT? WHO THE HECK JUST THREW THAT? I BET IT WAS THE SAME GUY WHO SAID I SHOULD HAVE CHISELED PAPYRUS, WASN'T IT?!"
She summons another dozen Spears and points them at the audience.
"IF I DON'T GET HANDS ON THE PUNK WHO DID THAT, YOU ALL BECOME MINCEMEAT!"
As she continues to threaten the audience, Asgore, dressed in a black suit and tie, walks on stage and picks up Undyne.
"HEY, PUT ME DOWN ASGORE! I GOTTA TEACH THAT PUNK A LESSON! YOU CAN'T MESS WITH UNDYNE!"
He drags her off stage as she repeatedly promises revenge against the entire audience.
"Heh. Looks like it's just me again. Puns anyone?"
The audience moans in disappointment. Some desperately beg Sans to not tell puns.
"Welp, time for the curtain call then."
A nerdy sounding voice from back stage starts calling out for curtain.
"I meant let's take a bow Alphys."
"But, there aren't any bows on set."
"Jeez, you're even worse than me today Alphys. Just come back out everybody."
The entire cast comes back on stage.
"Let's have a round of applause for the performers. There's Master chef, Paps, played by my bro, Paps."
"THAT'S THE GREAT PAPYRUS TO YOU!"
"Sure, whatever. The Killer Robot, played by Mettaton."
"THE REAL KILLER IS MY RATINGS!"
"Robot assassin, played by Undyne."
"Assassinating robots since 201X!"
"Security Guard, played by Asgore."
"Oh, you're too kind Sans."
"Our stage director, Toriel."
"You all would truly be a mess without me."
"Our technical producer, Alphys."
"Heh, that's me."
"The narrator, Chara."
Dude, you said you wouldn't mention me.
"And you're good old lazybones, Sans the skeleton."
Everyone grabs hands and takes a bow, followed by applause. One monster in the crowd
however, throws a tomato at Undyne.
"ALRIGHT, THAT'S IT! I'M GOING IN THERE!"
Asgore and Toriel both restrain Undyne as she tries her damnedest to rip to shreds whoever threw the tomato.
"OH NO! HOW TERRIBLE. SOCIETY IS COLLAPSING, LAWS HAVE NO MEANING!"
"WHAT DOES ALL THAT MEAN METTATON?"
"IT MEANS."
He pulls out the chainsaw.
"IT'S YOUR LOVE OR YOUR SKULL!"
Papyrus runs away screaming, again.
"BUT YOU SAID THE EPISODE HAD ENDED!"
"THE EPISODE DID, BUT THE SEASON HAS ONLY JUST BEGUN!"
Through all this pandemonium, Sans asks Alphys.
"Uh, I got season 2 of Sailor Sora. Wanna watch it?"
"... ... ... Ok."
The curtain closes.
Thank you for watching this train wreck. We'll be back next week, if the place doesn't burn down.