I almost laughed at the irony of it—a CD—For God's sake; Tommy had given me a CD. 'How original of him!' I thought to myself while running my fingers lovingly over the cover. I chuckled silently as I walked across my room and slid it into the CD Player. Lying back on my bed, I gasped in glee as the final mix of my acoustic song "I See" played throughout the empty room. It sounded amazing, much better than I ever thought it would. Tommy must have spent an incredible amount of time on it and just the thought of him poring over the soundboard at all hours of the night and day really touched me. The last notes of the song played out, and I opened one eye trying to talk myself into getting up off the bed to take it out of the player. Groaning, I started to lift off when suddenly another tune started to fill the room. I froze in place. I knew immediately it wasn't anything that I had ever played before, and like my song, it was pretty much all acoustic. I closed my eyes slowly only to have them pop open suddenly in absolute awe. If you can believe it or not, I, Jude Harrison, actually shrieked. Tommy's voice floated softly through the room and I found myself mesmerized.

Together we are better, rising high for all the world to see.

Through your eyes you saw me when others were too blind to see.

Together we are better than we ever could be apart

You have become, for lack of a better word, my tortured heart.

Hidden touches, moments of futile eye contact.

I'm afraid my regrets will get in the way.

And then I'll find myself watching your retreating back

And I'll have to learn to let you walk away.

Moments, pristine moments, of laughter and burning fire

Escaping emotions, ones ignited by passion and by desire.

A heart so alone, encased in protective armor

Broken down piece by piece until it tore

Hidden touches, moments of futile eye contact.

I'm afraid my regrets will get in the way.

And then I'll find myself watching your retreating back

And I'll have to learn to let you walk away.

My one greatest epic and yet my biggest fear

I long to make you smile, to wipe away your tears.

So alone, and then suddenly in my heart was a knock at the door

And you were there, and I found I was alone no more.

We hide behind our secrets; we hide behind our fear.

But I have to let you know, I feel joy when you are near.

Don't regret our moments from the past

They're memories, oh memories, that will always last.

Hidden touches, moments of futile eye contact.

I'm afraid my regrets will get in the way.

And then I'll find myself watching your retreating back

And I'll have to learn to let you walk away.

The music faded in the background, and I found the only thing that I could do was lay there. I had no desire to even move. Tears were dripping unceremoniously from the corners of my eyes as I turned my head slightly to look at the wild flowers I had placed next to my bed. It was a good thing Tommy wasn't there with me because I was speechless. He had given me what I had always wanted for my birthday. I knew the song didn't mean that I could run into the studio tomorrow and kiss him lavishly, but it did tell me volumes about the man that he was always trying to keep hidden from everyone else. I knew now that, even though it was something that he was constantly fighting against that he was losing an inner battle about feelings he shared with me. Where once, I felt like I was the only one being tortured by my desire to be more to him than just the Instant Star, I knew now I was not alone in my torment. How depressing that sounds, but it actually made me happy. Contrary to popular belief, I was learning to control my fits more, to learn to control my tempestuous nature. I loved Tommy. There was just no denying it anymore. But I had accumulated enough strength over the past year to realize that I needed to give him the space to discover his own feelings. I just hoped that they would turn out to be feelings for me. If the CD was any indication, I was certainly headed in the right direction. Drawing myself into a fetal position, I let the CD replay as I lay there. Somewhere into its fourth rotation, I fell into a deep sleep—giving myself up to the exhaustion, to the dreams I didn't let myself live during the day.

The next day

The studio was buzzing when I entered it the next day—people running back and forth like chickens with their heads cut off. I smiled at the chaos, finding familiarity in the 'running through a maze' activities. Scanning the room quietly, I caught sight of SME standing next to Portia grumbling, from what I could tell, about some costume choices she had come up with for a future publicity still we had planned. I managed to capture Spied's attention long enough to let him know that I was on the way to their rescue. Once Portia spotted me, she generally left the guys alone. Spied looked relieved as I started to weave my way through the crowd, and I smiled at his predictability. I was late this morning after seeing my dad and Yvette off at the airport as they had both decided to get away long enough to figure out how they really felt about each other and to allow any last remaining grudges about the divorce to settle down a bit. I had come to terms with the separation, realizing that any problems my parents were having probably had a lot to do with things Sadie and I would never know about. I was at the point now where I just wanted to see both of them happy. If that meant that they would find completion in the arms of someone else, it wasn't my right to deny them that. I didn't even hate Yvette or Don. I just wasn't sure I felt very comfortable around them, and they certainly didn't feel very comfortable around us which is why I had asked both my mom and dad to sort of bring them into the family slowly—letting us all adjust a little at a time. I smiled fondly to myself as I recalled my father's loving embrace that morning,

"I love you Jude. Thank you for coming with me here this morning. I promise we'll be back in a couple of days and then you and I need to do something a little special—just the two of us to celebrate your birthday. What do you think?" I nodded to him with a smile and squeezed him as hard as I could. "Sounds good, dad. I love you, too. You two have a wonderful trip, and I'll see you in a couple of days." I said quietly as I handed Yvette her carry-on and smiled at her as best I could. Dad squeezed my arm in appreciation and I squeezed back. For his sake, for I had always felt connected to my dad more than any person in the world, I did the most remarkable thing. I leaned forward, tapped Yvette on the shoulder, and gave her a quick hug before telling her to have fun and be careful. She blinked at me as if she had never seen me before and then smiled in relief as if a huge burden was being lifted off her shoulder. I almost felt sorry for her as I knew that everyone would always betray her as the bad guy in my parent's divorce, but it had been as much a part of my dad's decision to have an affair as it had been hers. Dad stared at me in obvious amazement and grabbed me suddenly in a huge bear hug. "You have matured so much, Jude. You put me to shame, being the bigger person in all of this. Wow, I think your mom and I just sort of missed your transition into adulthood. I am so proud of you." He said while choking up on the last few words. I excused myself hurriedly, giving him one last kiss on the cheek before shooing them on to their gate with a smile. I waved at them until I could no longer see them anymore and then I turned and walked away.

Shaking my head slightly to clear my thoughts of this morning's earlier activities, I suddenly froze when I spotted Tommy across the room. I knew that he wouldn't want any huge emotional outbursts about his gifts so I only glanced at him until he turned around unexpectantly and we made eye contact. He froze too and gave me a slight smile and a shrug as if saying, "Jude?" I gave him the biggest smile I could manage and mouthed "Thank you so much." To him before placing both my hands over my heart, showing him with the gesture how much it had touched me. He smiled back and we just stood there for a moment like that until his expression changed about the same moment I felt a sudden tap on my right shoulder. I glanced behind me to see Portia standing there with an evil grin on her face while swinging a tape measure back and forth in her hands. She already had my measurements so I knew she must be planning on doing some new type of garment I had never worn before if she was going to torture me with that thing. Uuuggghhhh! I thought to myself as I let her lead me away towards SME.

"You won't believe what happened this morning, Jude! You have managed to miss all of the excitement." Portia said excitedly as I looked around expecting to see something unusual to explain what she might be talking about.

"Oookaaay." I said slowly, waiting to see if something unusual materialized. Portia sighed dramatically.

"I would keep you waiting in suspense, but I have no patience for that sort of thing. 'Rolling Stones' magazine called wanting to set up an interview and a photo shoot with you. It'll be in the states, of course, because they won't be able to fly up here, but it will just be a couple of days in LA and Darius is ecstatic about it." Portia squealed reminding me all of a sudden of E.J. I was stunned. 'Rolling Stone Magazine' wanted to talk to me? Once it sunk in, I started laughing in glee.

"No way! When is it?" I asked loudly trying not to squeal like she had just done but I was beginning to fail miserably at my attempt to act mature about it. Oh, the hell with it! I squealed. Portia waited for me to settle down before she smiled and patted me on the shoulder.

"We've got it scheduled for the week after your birthday. We are getting tickets as we speak for you, SME, Darius, Kwest, Tommy, and I. We'll be doing some publicity for your new album, and we're going to work some on your image—transforming it from Instant Star winner to a more mature artist away from the competition although Darius wants them to reiterate your involvement with Instant Star some since he wants to promote the new winner as well. So be prepared, girl." Portia said on a laugh. I just stared at her before turning to the guys of SME who had sidled up next to me. They all started talking at the same time, laughing and arguing with each other about who would get the chance to talk first so I knew that they were just as excited about it as I was.

"Guess this means we need to get to work, huh?" I asked on a chuckle as SME groaned and Darius indicated from across the room that it was time to enter the studio. As we walked away, I heard Portia mumbling that Darius never gave her enough time to get her job done and I smiled at her sarcasm. I was on cloud nine as we entered Studio 1, getting ready to record yet again. The day passed quickly, and we managed to get all the tracks recorded which would only leave any re-recording that might need to be done later and the mixing that Tommy and Kwest would have to do. Boy, things were certainly heating up at G Major. I walked into the lounge a moment to grab a water and to relax and catch my breath before I headed out the door towards home, hopefully to be able to grab the hot tub before Sadie got there. A 'clearing of the throat' behind me startled me and I just managed to keep a hold on the bottle before turning to see who was behind me. Tommy nodded at the water in my hand as he walked over to the opposite side of the bar from where I stood.

"Throw me one of those, would you?" He said quickly as he leaned lazily against the counter. I grabbed another bottle out of the fridge and threw it at him before leaning against the counter across from him. We just stood there a moment before I pushed a piece of my hair behind my ear and looked up at him from underneath my lashes.

"Thanks for the gifts you left for me, Tommy. They….it was…. Well, I am at a loss of words as to what they meant to me." I said to him quietly, keeping my voice low as I looked steadfastly into his eyes. His eyes crinkled in the corners as he smiled broadly.

"I was hoping you would like it, Jude. Happy Birthday a little early." He said just as quietly, and I smiled at him before turning suddenly when someone else entered the lounge behind us. Spied came in looking tired and more than a little grouchy as he walked over, grabbed a bottled water out of the fridge, and looked at me expectantly.

"You ready, Jude?" Spied asked quickly while quirking his brows at the two of us in irritation. I was a little piqued at the way he was acting about the whole situation, but I found I couldn't blame him either. I had left my car at home that morning in order to ride with Yvette and dad to the airport before catching the bus to the studio so I was grateful that Spied was even willing to give me a ride. I nodded at him slowly and cast an apologetic grin over my shoulder to Tommy as I grabbed my things and headed for the door.

"Later, Quincy." I said quickly, and he raised his hand in a silent gesture signaling that he would see me later. Looking back at Tommy and then towards the late afternoon chaos still transpiring at the studio around me, I took a deep breath and sighed. Have you ever just woke up one morning, looked around your room, and then come to the startling realization that life—your life—remarkably resembles the machinations of reality TV? Boy, I was sure starting to feel that way. Note to self: Start charging for services rendered (laugh).

The next couple of days literally blurred past like some wispy dream that you know you had, but you can't seem to remember no matter how hard you try. It was like walking into a brick wall of non-stop work and preparations for the 'Rollings Stone" interview. Mom and Sadie were just as excited as I, and they had made it their mission to go shopping for me buying what they liked to call 'my LA clothes.' Woe is me. But truth be told, I was enjoying the attention—not from the studio but from my family. Every body has been so caught up in the drama that was my parents' divorce that we hadn't had a whole lot of time for each other lately, and I think they were enjoying it just as much as I was. I couldn't wait to tell dad when he got home. But then the unthinkable happened. Have you ever heard that saying that says 'Every bad thing comes in threes?' First there had been the Darius takeover, then the fact that my records sales were going down. Now, I realize I have had bad luck in my love life too, but considering that I have come to think of that as something completely separate from my career and family, I have come to not count that anymore. So when my record sales went back up and life with Darius was becoming fairly manageable, I thought nothing else could go wrong. My life was about to be utterly turned upside down.

The studio was business as usual. SME and I were re-recording a track that Tommy felt needed some work when a very pale, very agitated looking Jamie burst into the sound proof booth. Tommy jumped off his stool in the sound room and grabbed the microphone.

"What the hell, Jamie? We are right in the middle of a track right now!" Tommy yelled as Jamie looked up wearily, trying desperately to catch his breath. It looked like he had run a good mile the way he was wheezing. SME and I laid our instruments to the side and Spied handed Jamie a bottle of water, which Jamie took gratefully and guzzled down as if he couldn't get enough. I had never seen Jamie so worked up before and, obviously, neither had anyone else because even Tommy and Kwest came into the booth to see what the problem was. Jamie gasped as he put down the water and then looked up at me with what looked suspiciously like tears in his eyes.

"Jude, I think you need to come with me." He said slowly. I looked at him quizzically, trying desperately to figure out from his expression what could possibly be wrong, but he just shook his head and held out his hand. Subconsciously, I felt Tommy slide in behind me along with Kwest and the members of SME as we all exited the room in a single line. In the main entrance area, I saw Darius look up at us angrily as Jamie lead us toward the lounge, away from Studio 1. He opened his mouth to say something to us when Jamie suddenly snapped,

"Just shut up, Darius!" as he pulled me quickly through the doorway of the lounge. The entire room froze in shock at the tone Jamie had used with Darius, and I would have laughed at the hilarity in it if I didn't know Jamie as well as I did. If Jamie would jump all over an authority figure like Darius, then something was definitely wrong. My heart started to pound very loudly in my ears as Jamie walked over to the T.V. we had sitting in the lounge area behind the couch.

"You need to see this, Jude." He said as he pressed the power button and placed it on an international news channel. A news anchor, a red-headed woman with too much make-up, was talking animatedly as it showed the picture of a twisted, burning plane in a small square to her right and along the bottom of the screen scrolled the words "Breaking News." It began to slowly register in my brain what this meant as her voice reverberated through my body like a knife slicing through water. "As of this morning, 10:00 a.m. central time, we received news of an explosion that took place over northern California. Reports coming in thought that it might have been a plane, Flight 224 that left LAX at 9:30 this morning. It has been confirmed that flight 224 has gone down over northern California. Details are sketchy on what might have caused the plane to crash, but authorities are reporting right now that it appears to be pilot error or something to do with one of the plane's engines. All efforts are being put forth to find the 'little black box' that might give authorities a more definitive view of what actually transpired aboard the plane. As of now, all lives aboard appear to be lost." At some point during the announcement, my hands had come up to cover my mouth in order to keep myself from screaming. I glanced at Jamie who was standing next to the T.V. with his head down. I felt the presence of half the studio behind me, but I was too numb to care.

"Jamie, that wasn't my father's plane." I said rather uncertainly for I had seen his ticket when he left and the return date had been stamped for two days from now on a different flight. Jamie looked up at me sadly, glanced back down to the T.V. Screen, and then back up to me again.

"Jude, your dad and Yvette decided to come back a little earlier. After your mom told them about your interview in L.A., they decided to come back because Stuart wanted to go with you less than two weeks from now. He wanted to surprise you so he asked that no one let you know. Jude, their new returning flight was 224." Jamie almost whispered.

"Oh, God!" I groaned. My knees buckled. I felt several hands catch my elbows as I fell, and the next thing I knew someone had managed to get me onto the couch. No, God no, I was just having trouble registering the whole thing in my mind.when it hit me.

"Mom and Sadie?" I asked on a broken sob.

"Are at home waiting to hear from the authorities." Jamie finished for me. He walked over and leaned down in front of me, taking one of my hands into his.

"Do you need me to take you home, Jude?" Jamie asked, but I although I knew he had just asked me a very important question, I just couldn't seem to come up with an answer for him at the moment. It was like my head was full of static. An arm snaked its way across my shoulders and I leaned into it instinctively. Gently, I could feel someone shaking me slightly when suddenly the woman on T.V. said on a foreboding note, "It has just been confirmed, all lives on 224 from L.A. has been lost." The next thing I knew, I, Jude Harrison, blacked out.

Author's footnote: Please review. I am definitely interested in all opinions. Will post again soon.