Sara cleared the glasses and bottles off of the table and wiped it down with a cloth. The last patron of the bar having left just minuets before. Mary had already left with Murphy to go upstairs and Connor was sitting at the bar waiting to Sara to finish clearing before locking up.
Sara washed the last of the glasses and put them away. She tied off the garbage bag. "Do you mind taking that out back for me?"
"Not at all." Connor grabbed the bag and disappeared through the back door. "That everything?" he asked on his return, brushing his hands on his jeans.
"Just have to wipe down the bar and then I'm done." She did this quickly and then turned off the lights. Once they were both outside she locked the door and slid the key into her pocket.
Connor made to turn down the sidewalk in the direction of the apartment but stopped when he realized that Sara wasn't following. "Something wrong?"
"No," Sara shook her head. "I'm just not ready to go back yet." She put her hands in the back pockets of her jeans and rocked back on her heels. "Side's it such a nice night. Seems like a waste to go home so soon."
"Alright. What did ya have in mind?"
"I don't know. How about a walk in the park?"
"Okay. Let's go to the park." Connor held out his hand.
After a moments hesitation Sara took it. They walked the couple blocks to the park that way. But once they got there Sara let go and walk a little ways ahead of him. She headed towards a play area and the swings. Sitting down she pushed off with her feet.
Connor leaned against the pole and just watched her for a bit. Finally he decided to break the silence. "Sara, about earlier."
Sara halted her swinging. "Earlier?"
"The," Connor searched his brain for the right word, "incident, with the guy in the bar."
"Right." Sara bit her lip. "We're even now." She began to swing again.
"Wait a minuet." Connor grabbed the swing forcing her to stop. "What do ya mean we're even?"
"The car thing from last month, and now this. We have both kissed the other to save their life. We're even."
"Sara…"
"Connor let it go. It was just a kiss."
Connor kneeled down in the dirt so that he was looking up Sara. "That is a lie and ya know it."
Sara tilted her head. "Connor, don't do this. Don't ruin this. Things are finally starting to work out."
"Well maybe ya should have thought of that before ya kissed me the way ya did."
"I kissed you the way I did to make it believable. Okay. Why are you making such a big deal?"
"I would think it's pretty fucking obvious why I'm making a big deal. Fuck Sara." Connor stood up angrily and walked a few paces away. He turned back. "We've got a fucking connection. Ya felt the fucking exact same thing I did during that kiss."
"You're not me Connor. You don't know what I felt."
Connor came back and stood in front of her. "No," he pulled her to her feet. "But I do have a pretty good idea." He took her face in his hands and pressed his mouth against hers.
Sara pushed him off. "Stop it." She glared at him. "Stop forcing yourself on me."
"So what? I can't kiss you but ya can fucking kiss me whenever ya want is that it?"
"No."
"Then what the fuck is it?"
"You scare me." It was barely a whisper. Sara sunk back down onto the swing.
The anger drained from Connor's face. "What?" He sat down on the swing next to her.
"You scare me." She ran her fingers through her hair and turned her brown eyes so that they looked directly into his blue ones. "When I'm around you, I feel safe, safer than I have ever felt. You're very presence makes me feel warm. Hell your touch sets me on fire. And I know I have a similar effect on you."
"I'm sensing a 'but'."
"But, before you, and Murph, the only men in my life have ever hurt me."
"I told ya before I'm not gonna hurt ya. I've been protecting ya. I've been protecting ya from me even."
"When have you protected me from you?"
"Tonight in the bar I was trying to resolve the problem without kissing ya when ya kissed me. And that night when ya threw yerself at me after yer nightmare. I told ya no."
"And what about just now." Sara touched her bruised lip.
"Okay, that I shouldn't have done. But I was trying to make a point that there is something between us."
"I know there is something between us."
Connor pulled her swing closer to his and twisted it so they were facing each other. "Then why not just let it be?"
"Because we can't be together. Not like that."
"Yer fucking killing me Sara." Connor groaned and rested his head against the cool metal chain that held the swing
"It would be a conflict of interests."
"It's already a fucking conflict of interests Sara. Our conflicting interests in each other and the fucking fact that ya don't want to do anything about it."
"Connor we're no good for each other. If we were to get together it could destroy us both. What we are, what we do. You need to find yourself someone who isn't involved as deeply as I am. You need to find someone more like Mary…"
"I don't want someone like Mary," Connor interrupted. "I'm not in love with someone like Mary."
"Oh God."
"I'm in love with you."
And the heavens opened up and rained down on them both.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Sara ran as fast as she could through the rain. She had to get away; she didn't want to believe that she had heard what she had just heard. She had worked so hard to keep him at arms length only to fail miserably. She could recall what Mary had once told her, "It's very hard to say no to a MacManus." Partners, yes; friends, fine; but this, it could never be this. But with five little words Connor had shot it all to hell.
Her hair was plastered to her forehead, her shirt clung to her skin, and her jeans were splattered with mud. Her clean white sneakers were no longer clean and white. They were dirty, which was how she felt. Strange how words meant to bring joy and rapture only made her feel unclean.
Her lungs were burning for air but she couldn't stop. Not until she had lost him. Not until she had left him far behind. She could still hear him behind her. His feet pounding on the ground and his voice echoing in her head.
There, up ahead was the park gate. She had run the entire width of the park. Once she was out she would be able to outrun him. To leave him behind.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
The second the words had left his mouth the rain had begun to pour down on them and Sara had been off and running like a shot. At first he had just sat there watching her retreating form, but then his brain had yelled at him to move. But by then she was already way ahead of him. He had yelled at her, but that just seemed to make her run even faster so he had simply concentrated on not losing sight of her.
As he ran he mentally berated himself for allowing his tongue to slip. Even if it was true, but even he hadn't know it to be true until he had said it.
In just over month he had fallen in love with the most sarcastic, dry humored women with the emotional stability of an active volcano and a foundation to match. And he had no idea how or when it had happened.
Up ahead he saw Sara disappear through the park gates. He pushed himself to run harder. At the gate he stopped and looked up and down the street. But Sara was no where in sight.
"Fuck!" He kicked at a large puddle, forcing water into his shoe. Not that it mattered he was completely soaked anyways. Connor stared rather blankly across the street. Suddenly he focused in on what it was he was looking at. He was staring at Saint Joseph's Catholic Church.
He made his way across the street and pulled open the heavy wooden door. He wasn't surprised to find it unlocked. Didn't matter what part of town you were in, the churches were always left unlocked at night, they were sanctuaries after all.
Inside he stopped, a puddle quickly formed around his feet, he wasn't the only one seeking sanctuary. All the way at the front of the church in a crumpled heap in front of the crucifix was Sara. And her shoulders shook with sobs.