Thank you MaggieMay17 for beta'ing, Ncsupnatfan and VegasGranny for pre-reading, and you all for reading.
Chapter Eleven
"Sam," Castiel said tentatively.
Sam looked up from his folded hands. "Yeah?"
"Are you okay?"
Sam looked at the grey brick wall, his thoughts musing as he said, "You know, I've been thinking about you a lot lately, Cas. When you thought I was Lucifer, you were all business, the protector, just like Nick was. That reminded me of how you were when I first met you, back when you intimidated the crap out of me. When you decided I was Sam the vessel, not Lucifer, you changed, eased up, became more like you were after the apocalypse."
"And what am I now?" Castiel asked curiously, a small smile playing around his mouth.
"You're family again."
Castiel nodded solemnly. "I am."
Sam smiled widely. "Exactly. And that's what's making it easier for me to be okay. I mean, I'm back in my home, my family are close, but none of that helps because they don't really know me. Having you here is what helps."
He'd expected Castiel to be pleased, to smile again, but he frowned, and his eyes became mournful. "It makes me sad that it's so hard for you."
Sam huffed a laugh. "Me too, really. But it's better than it was, and I…"
He cut off as he heard a deeply drawn breath and then a soft laugh.
Both his and Castiel's attention fell upon the chained and trapped reaper as she opened her eyes and said, "Wow. I didn't really believe Michael when he told me, but it's all true, isn't it? Nick Winchester is the devil." Her face broke into a beatific smile. "And you're the real hero, Sam."
Castiel looked stunned. "He told you?"
"He did," she said. "I thought he was screwing with me, but now I see. No wonder you needed angel lessons, Sam. No wonder you were clueless." She rolled her eyes. "I can't believe I didn't see it. And I was so scared of you…" She laughed. "This is too perfect!"
"So, you know," Sam said calmly. "It doesn't change anything. You're still here, trapped, and you're still going to tell me what I want to know."
"I'm really not," she said.
"You are," Castiel said. "You're a reaper; you have never known pain in your life. We are going to make you talk."
Sam held up a hand to him as he heard something reaching him through the halls of the bunker. "What's that?" he asked.
Castiel frowned. "What's what?"
"You won't hear it, Castiel," Violet said. "You need a touch of an archangel to hear from that far away. You're stunted." She turned to Sam. "You know what it is. What are you going to do?"
Sam did know what he was hearing and what it meant. Nick was having another nightmare, and it sounded bad. As for what he was going to do, he didn't really feel he had a choice.
"Stay here, Cas," he said, striding from the room.
"Where are you going?" Castiel asked.
"It's Nick."
"Sam…" Castiel said, coming after him and touching his arm.
Sam stopped and said, "If I don't go help him, he's going to wake them all up, Cas, and he won't want that."
Castiel's looked puzzled. "You care what he'd want?"
Sam shrugged and deflected, "I care about Dean."
He left the room and clicked the door closed behind him then silently ran along he halls to the room that had been his own. He could hear no sounds from the rooms he passed that indicated that the others were awake, and he was glad. He found he did care what Nick wanted, though he didn't understand why or even want to care. More than that, though: he was concerned about the fact Dean would be upset if he saw his brother suffer through another nightmare. He had been stressed to breaking point when he'd called Sam last time; Sam didn't want him to go through that again.
He pushed open Nick's door and then quickly closed it again to muffle the sounds of cries. Nick wasn't screaming as he had last time. His sounds were more guttural and pained.
Sam walked to the side of the bed and shook his shoulder. "Wake up!"
Nick jostled but didn't wake and then said in a strained moan. "I'm Nick!"
Sam shook him again, and then Nick began to scream. It was a primal sound that Sam hadn't heard since he'd been in the Cage, when the scream had been his own. He pressed his knuckles to Nick's sternum and ground them in; at the same time, he slapped his hand to Nick's mouth to stifle the sounds he was making.
Nick's eyes flew open and fixed on Sam standing over him, the scream still ripping from him.
"You're going to wake them up. Do you want that?" Sam growled.
Nick's scream cut off, and he shook his head.
"Can you control yourself?"
Nick nodded.
Sam removed his hand, and Nick drew a deep breath and sat up. "Thank you, Sam," he said.
Sam straightened fully and stepped away. "You were having another nightmare," he said, then went on, forcing the words from himself as his wants battled what he knew was right, "Do you want to talk about it?"
He didn't want to hear about Nick's nightmare, but the way he looked, vulnerable and scared, made him feel he might need to. No matter what Sam felt about Nick now, he was Dean's family, and that made him important, even to Sam. He wanted to help him because of that, for Dean, but it was still hard.
"No, I…" Nick stared at him, seeming to see something there that softened his eyes into what Sam was reluctant to call love. "I think I need to," he finished.
Nick stared down at his hands for a moment, looking as though he was battling with himself, with something Sam didn't understand. Then he seemed to steel himself and looked up at Sam again.
"I dreamed of Lucifer, Sam," he said. "But not the way I used to. It's like I am him. It feels so real. I think that's what I dreamed last time, too."
Sam couldn't stop himself from flinching, but he looked away before Nick could see his reaction in his face.
This had to be what Amara had done. She'd somehow unlocked something in Nick that was bringing the truth to the fore. Part of Sam was overwhelmed with relief, the truth might come out, but the selfless part of him knew that was wrong. This was just the truth coming out for Nick. No one else would know, which meant nothing would change apart from the fact Nick would be confused and in pain.
"Sorry," Nick said. "You don't need to hear this."
"No, it's okay." Sam bit his lip, then said, "I think you need to forget about it. They're just dreams."
"I know," Nick said quickly, but Sam heard the lie in his voice.
Sam's heart and mind screamed at him, each pulling him in different directions—what he wanted opposing what was right—and then Gabriel's voice chimed in and made it so much harder.
Seriously, Sam? You can take self-sacrifice too far, you know. If you want it back, your life, this is the only way you're getting in."
Needing to get away, Sam said, "Go to sleep, Nick. I've got to get back to Violet."
"Yeah, sure. Thanks, Sam."
Sam forced a smile and said, "I'll see you tomorrow.
He felt Nick's eyes on him as he walked to the door, and then Nick said, "Sam, don't tell Dean and Mom about this. I don't want them to worry."
Sam turned back to him as he answered, the words dragged from him in a way that hurt. "Don't worry, Nick, I won't tell them. They don't need to know."
Sam slipped out of the room, closed the door, and then rested his forehead against the wood and sighed.
You know you're nuts, right? Gabriel said conversationally. It is physically hurting you to be stuck in this situation, and Amara has given you an out, but you're supporting Nick instead of encouraging him to explore the truth. What was the point in any of it if you're not going to use what she's done for you?
Sam ignored him and strode back to the dungeon. Castiel was waiting with his arms crossed over his chest and his eyes neutral as he looked at Violet, who was watching him in return with amusement.
"Are you okay?" Castiel asked. "What happened?"
Sam started to nod and then stopped. There was no need to keep any of it hidden from Castiel. He was the only one in Sam's life now that knew the whole truth and cared about him for who he really was, not as a memory created by Chuck.
"Come out here a moment," he said, walking back out into the hall.
Castiel followed, and Sam clicked the door closed behind them, Violet's muffled laughter reaching him through the wood. He knew she was going to hear them, but he didn't want to witness her reactions as he said it.
"It was a nightmare?" Castiel asked.
"Yes."
Castiel looked frustrated. "Then why didn't you ask me to go?"
Sam ran a hand over his face. "Honestly, Cas, I don't know. I didn't want him waking everyone else up, getting them all worked up again. I figured I could fix it without that."
"And what did it feel like for you?"
"Like it did before. Actually, no, it felt a little different, easier." Sam sighed. "He's dreaming of being Lucifer again. I didn't look to see what it was, but he told me some. I told him to forget it."
"Why, Sam?" Castiel's voice was filled with exasperation. "If this is the wheel Amara set turning, it could be how you get your life back. It could be what breaks the spell."
"But it can't," Sam said miserably. "Maybe he'll remember who he really is and what he has done, but what will that achieve? It's not going to change things for Dean, Jack, or my mom. They'll still remember him as Nick. It solves nothing for me. Chuck can't control any of us now, but he put a powerful spell in place before he cut the strings. Nick's part of it might break, but it won't help anyone else. And if Nick does remember who he is…" He looked Castiel in the eye. "You know him better than me. What will that do to him?"
Castiel's face fell. "To him as Nick, not Lucifer? It would break him apart."
"Exactly, and that's going to hurt them all in the long run. I want my life back, I want them all to know who I am, and I don't want to deal with him, but I don't want that to come at the expense of the people I love."
Castiel grabbed Sam's shoulders and tried to shake him. All he managed to do was jostle him slightly. "If you don't stop this, you will be the one breaking apart."
"I'm strong," Sam said. "And I can't hurt them as much as Nick can. They all lost me a long time ago; they're just trying to get something back now. They know and love him. They have lives with him. If he suffers, they'll suffer. If it's me…" He pressed his fingers to his temples. "If it's me, they'll be able to handle it."
"Then what are you going to do?" Castiel asked. "You can't stay like this, Sam."
"What would you do if you were me? If you had to choose between your family being in pain or you living a lie, what would you do?"
Castiel stared at him for a moment and then sighed. "I love Nick. Part of me hates that I do, but I have no choice in it. I have fought beside him for years, lived with him, seen him at his best and his worst, just like he's seen me at mine."
"I know," Sam said quietly.
"But I also love you, and I know those memories, that bond, is real. I don't want Nick to suffer, but I want you to suffer even less."
Sam laid a hand on Castiel's shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. "You also love Dean and my mom, Cas. If Nick gets to live his life with them still with me here on the periphery as the man they think I am, they get to be happy. If the truth comes out, they'll be hurting, which means I will, too."
Castiel fisted his hands and looked down a long time. Sam knew he was seeing the truth, seeing it and hating it the same way Sam did.
Sam patted his arm and then went back into the dungeon where Violet was grinning at him. He knew she'd heard what they'd been saying, but he wasn't worried about her taunts. There were many more powerful things in his life that were hurting him now.
Castiel came in behind him and crossed his arms over his chest.
"That was touching," she said. "Really. I knew the Winchester bonds went deep, but I figured that would work the other way around. I thought you'd be fighting to get back what you lost. Instead, you're sacrificing yourself for them."
Sam moved closer to her and grabbed her shoulders, tilting the chair back so it was balanced on two legs. "I want something from you, and you're going to give it.
"Why would I give you anything?" she asked derisively.
"Because I am telling you to," a smooth voice said.
Sam dropped the chair, and it fell back onto the floor with a bang, Violet's head hitting the floor hard. He spun around and saw Billie standing beside Castiel. Her dark eyes were narrowed and her lips a thin line.
"Get her up, Sam," she ordered.
Sam grabbed Violet by the throat and hauled her up so that the chair was on four legs again. He stepped back and looked at Billie, whose gaze was fixed on Violet, who was now obviously terrified.
"Violet," Billie said. "We need to talk."
Violet flinched. "Yes."
"You and I have much to discuss," Billie went on with a hint of menace in her voice, "and we will have eons to do it. You know I like to take my time. Sam's concerns are more pressing than mine for now, though. Sam?"
Sam fixed his eyes on Violet and said, "Where are Michael's monsters?"
She licked her lips. "They're spread out all over the world."
Sam knew that already; he'd traced the failed experiments that Michael had left behind. He'd hoped for more direct information, though.
"How do I find them?" he asked.
She flinched, and her eyes darted to Billie as she answered. "I don't know. Michael gave them instructions to spread out and be ready for his orders."
"What were his orders going to be?" Sam asked.
When she didn't answer, Billie spoke her name in a warning tone, and she winced and spoke in a rush. "They were to gather in capital cities and attack at the right time. They were to kill and change as many as they could." She drew a quick breath. "They were to build the army."
Sam closed his eyes for a moment as he felt the tentative relief that was quickly overcome with tension again. Michael couldn't have given the order as they would have heard about that kind of mass chaos in the world. But if they knew Michael was dead the way Violet had known, they might strike on their own. He needed to find them fast.
"You can find them, Sam," Billie said. "And you have someone that can help." Her eyes moved to Violet. "You still feel the connection."
Violet nodded. "Yes, I can communicate with them, but they won't obey me the way they did Michael. I was just his general."
"Generals give orders," Castiel stated.
"Generals give orders in a garrison," she corrected. "These aren't soldiers. They're monsters."
"You can still find them, though," Billie said. "You will know where they are, and you can tell Sam."
Violet nodded slightly. "I can."
"And you will," Billie instructed. "Then, when the last of the monsters have been destroyed, you and I can begin our own discussions." She looked at Sam. "You will find a way to make it work. I have faith."
"I know," Sam said seriously. "Thank you."
Billie watched Violet for a moment and then said, "Castiel, I need to speak to Sam. Watch her. Sam, go somewhere private. I'll find you."
Sam nodded to Castiel and then took flight. He came to a stop in the center of the 100 Mile Wilderness under a canopy of trees and among the night sounds of animals and a light breeze. He was alone for less than a second before Billie appeared beside him.
"Can I trust her?" he asked instantly.
"Yes. She won't lie to you, but she will try to delay you. She knows that as soon as you're done with her that I'll take her. You're going to need to be imaginative in how you motivate her."
"You mean torture?" Sam asked.
She raised an eyebrow. "Is that going to be a problem?"
"As long as I'm the only one that has to do it, no. I don't want anyone else to have a part in it. I don't want Dean involved."
"Of course, you don't. I see that you have unlocked Castiel's memories. I felt the pulse and change in the spell when you did. Has he told you that you can't do it to anyone else?"
"Yes. I know I can't have Dean back."
She frowned at him. "I already knew it was bad, that's why I wanted to speak to you, but I see now it's worse. You've given up."
Sam could have defended himself, explained that he'd not given up at all, just knew what he had to do now for the sake of his family, but there was no point. This wasn't like Castiel, who was family. Billie wasn't more than an ally, if she was even that.
"After God brought you back, I spent some time in my reading room," she said. "Your end has changed."
"There's an end again?" Sam asked. He'd figured that when Michael was taken out of the game and he'd taken the archangel blades that his story was left open for good. "Who's it going to be this time?"
She fixed her timeless eyes on him and said, "You are the end now."
Sam glared at her. "I'm not going to kill myself. I'd never do that to them."
"No? Perhaps not while they are alive, but when they're gone? When it's just you, Castiel, and Jack left, maybe many years from now, will you keep going?"
"Yes," Sam said. "I wouldn't do it to Cas, either."
She raised an eyebrow. "My books are never wrong, Sam. The story of your end comes at your own hands. I know how your grace will be spent."
"And my soul?" Sam asked. "What happens to that? I've got both."
"I don't know. Your grace is the most potent part of you, Sam; that is what marks your death now."
Sam shrugged. "I'm not worried. If it's me that does it, I am the one in control of it, which means it won't happen."
She surveyed him for a moment and then smiled. "If that's what you need to believe, I won't say any more. I'll leave you to get back to Violet and Castiel. You might want to start tracking those monsters straight away. There are a lot of them, and they may be waiting for the order to attack, but they're not waiting for the order to feed. You have one advantage, though; you will be able to sense them when they're close. Use it."
Without another word, she disappeared, and Sam was left alone in the darkness. He just absorbed the sounds around him for a moment, and then took flight back to the bunker.
He would question Violet, hunt the monsters, and…
What are you going to do about the whole suicide thing? Gabriel asked. You want to talk that out with someone? Castiel maybe?
"No," Sam growled.
No one needed to know as it would never happen.
So… Sam has a new end. We'll come back to that later. We're going to be dealing with monsters for now. Sam's going on a hunting trip.
Until next time…
Clowns or Midgets xxx