A ripple of fear swept through the bridge of the Nimbus as Brannigan's crew became aware of their impending fate. Hemmed in by the small but multitudinous pirate ships, they could only hold their breaths and wait for the explosions. Sweet death has come at last, thought Kif wistfully. I just wish I could bid farewell to my smizmar one last time.

Zapp stood tall and erect in the middle of the bridge, keeping a brave face as his job description explicitly required him to do. "Look at the bright side, men," he said, as all the female members of the bridge crew had quit in disgust long ago. "Most of their shots will miss us and hit the other pirates."

A noise issued from Kif's console. "They're hailing us," he informed the captain, recognizing the sound as his ring tone, the centuries-old classic My Heart Will Go On.

"On screen," Captain Brannigan ordered.

The large video display embedded in the forward wall flickered to life. A rerun of The Scary Door appeared briefly, and was replaced by the image of a ghastly creature. The head was shaped like an inverted pear; the skin was pallid as snow; the catlike eyes glowed yellow; the mouth was bent into a lipless frown. It was the grotesque visage of a being who had reached death's door and been turned away.

Unflapped by the sight, Zapp stated, "I am Captain Zapp Brannigan of the Democratic Order of Planets. If that name doesn't fill you with respect and dread, then my publicist isn't doing his job."

"I am Commander Balalaika of the Cerulean Pirate Fleet," said the wraithlike alien, its harsh, booming voice triggering a bass vibration in the consoles. "Your lives and possessions are forfeit. Surrender your vessel, and your deaths will be quick and painless."

Zapp stared incredulously at the menacing figure on the screen. "Is that a puppet?"

The gaunt face probed him with its yellow eyes one more time, then jerked backwards, revealing itself as no more than a synthetic head operated by the hand of yet another odd-looking fellow.

"Arrr, mateys," said the puppet master with the grizzled face, straggly long hair, and assortment of gemstone necklaces. "I be the real Captain Balalaika."

Zapp nodded understandingly. Kif and several other bridge crewmen suppressed chuckles.

"I sees ye laughin' at me," snapped Balalaika, his red locks quivering. "I guarantees ye, this here be no Halloween costume. I be dead serious about the piratin' business."

"Why did one of your ships attack us?" Zapp asked him.

"Why, to lure ye into a trap, of course," replied the pirate captain. "That be what us pirates do—we captures ships that cross into our territory, takes their booty for ourselves, and makes all the poor swabs walk the plank. An' if a ship don't have a plank, we uses the airlock."

Captain Brannigan took a bold step forward. "You won't have your way with us so easily," he warned his enemy. "The Nimbus is armed with an immensely destructive weapon called the Doomsday Device of Unspeakable Doom. The moment one of your raiding parties sets foot on the ship, the device will be automatically activated, releasing a burst of poisonous radiation that will destroy all organic life within four light-years."

Kif's mouth fell open with astonishment. "Sir," he muttered reverently, "you don't mean…"

Zapp shot him an impatient glare. "That's exactly what I mean, lieutenant," he barked. "Now go down below and make the preparations."

With a desperate sigh, the green alien stood up and made his way to the turbolift. Now let's see, he wondered. Which setting was the microwave on when I left the fork in it?

The pirate leader was skeptical of Brannigan's threat. "Arrr," he drawled. "Ye be bluffin'. Ye has no such doomsday device."

"I do too has one," Zapp assured him. "So tell your hearties to power down their weapons, because if the Nimbus goes down, you all go down with her."

A moment of terrible silence passed between the two captains. Then, to Zapp's surprise, the picture on the viewscreen split in two. On the left he saw Captain Balalaika and his head puppet; on the right, a balding man with horn-rimmed glasses.

"Hello, Captain Brannigan," said the newcomer in a friendly tone. "I'm Lieutenant J.G. Foss, science officer under Captain Balalaika."

"Pleased to make your acquaintance," said Zapp.

"Before I joined the pirates and started making some real money," Foss continued, "I was a professor at Mars University, specializing in subquantum lattices. I never had more than a passing interest in doomsday technology, but from the few conferences I attended, I got the impression that a device capable of hyperdeath on the scale you describe was five to ten years away. And now you tell me it's already here. I must say, I'm pleasantly surprised."

Zapp grinned with satisfaction. They're falling for it, he thought. And to think I almost cancelled my subscription to Scientific American.

"I would like to propose an alternative to mutual destruction," said Foss, looking to his side as if Balalaika was in the room with him. "Take Captain Brannigan prisoner, allow the Nimbus and its crew to leave in peace, and then negotiate a ransom figure with the DOOP."

Balalaika stroked his whiskered chin. "Aye," he said thoughtfully. "The famous Zapp Brannigan would fetch a bonny sum indeed."

Zapp grimaced at the prospect of becoming a captive to such a stereotyped enemy. This won't do at all, he thought. I've been told over and over that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one, but there has to be a line drawn somewhere…

To be continued