Captain Balalaika could already make out the rivets in the Nimbus' duranium hull, and the mighty ship was hurtling closer every second. "Evasive maneuvers!" he barked at his helmsman, who wore an eyepatch and a red bandanna. "Get us out of the way!"
"Aye aye, sir," said the other officer as he hit a few keys on his console. "If we survive this, can I have a parrot?"
With an agile twist, the tiny raider fled from harm's way at top speed—which still wasn't fast enough, the captain realized, to escape the sheer breadth of the oncoming Nimbus. The two vessels resembled an elephant fearlessly charging at a mouse.
"Attention, all ships!" he shouted into the commlink. "Concentrate your fire on the starboard side!" If not for the fact that the Nimbus now filled the entire viewscreen, he would have noticed that the other raiders had stopped firing completely.
Kif recognized this when the violent pounding and quaking stopped. It worked, he thought with relief. They won't risk hitting their captain by accident.
"Maximum power to the inertial dampening field!" he ordered, and a faceless minion promptly obeyed.
The collision of the two ships went by almost unnoticed, but for the deafening bang. The Nimbus hardly decelerated as it plowed into Balalaika's much smaller raider, which, as a result of being caught up in the amplified inertial dampening field, suffered only some severe denting.
Zapp felt the floor beneath his feet quiver as he stood in the pirate ship's launch bay, surrounded by cutthroats with drawn swords. "Hey, go easy on the shaking," he said lackadaisically. "I have a weak stomach, you know."
"Yarrr," growled the tallest of the pirates, waving his cutlass. "The lowly swab speaks like a woman."
Captain Brannigan smiled as he stepped up to the gigantic man. "What say we put aside the role playing and talk seriously, spaceman to spaceman?"
"Narrr," was the pirate's response. "We has to stay in character while on duty. Captain's orders."
"I'll take over from here," stated a more civilized voice. To Zapp's relief, the mob of scalawags gave way to a man with a white shirt, a checkered tie, and receding hair—the science officer, Foss.
"Am I ever glad to see you," said Zapp with a sigh. "I couldn't take much more of the collective halitosis of these barbarians. I swear, they must be taking bad breath mints."
"The captain's a stickler for authenticity," said Foss, putting out his hand to shake Zapp's. "You should see his torture chamber. He still uses the rack and the iron maiden; he refuses to upgrade to the modern, more effective methods of interrogation."
"I suppose that's where I'm headed next," said Zapp with resignation.
Foss shook his head. "Not at all. The captain's given me full authority over you, and I'm certain that once you see the work I'm doing, you'll be the one asking all the questions."
"The pirate fleet was in pursuit, so we had to jump immediately," Kif concluded his tale. "There was no time to retrieve Captain Brannigan, unfortunately. He remains in the hands of the pirates."
A concerned crowd had gathered at the front gate of Spacefleet Command (formerly known as Central Park), where the Nimbus had set aground on a landing bay more than four square blocks in size. Linda and Kif Kroker stood before them as the televised interview progressed, punctuated by camera flashes.
"That was very clever, using the inertial dampers to absorb the shock of the collision," Linda commended the little green captain. "Is there a name for that maneuver?"
"Er, no," said Kif, glancing upwards at the sun as if to make sure Brannigan's shadow hadn't blocked it out. "It doesn't have a name, so I'll call it…the Kroker Maneuver."
The spectators applauded wildly, particularly Fry, Leela, Bender, and Amy, who were on the outer fringe of the crowd due to having arrived late. The loud clank-clank-clank of Bender's clapping caught Kif's attention, and he strained on his tiptoes to look over the group. "Where's my smizmar?" he wondered aloud. "Where is Amy Wong?"
"Over here!" squealed the Asian girl.
Kif finally noticed her frantically waving arms. "Come up here, Amy," he invited her. "Your friends, too."
The audience politely stood to one side as Amy and the others made their way to the platform. Leela observed to her dismay that several of the people she passed grimaced with displeasure when they saw the brown band on her wrist. I hate this, she thought. Used to be I could go anywhere in New New York and everybody would assume I was an alien, and not give me a second look.
Abruptly, a little blond girl stepped in front of her and began to shout, "Goodbye, mutants! Goodbye, mutants!"
Leela could endure no more. Shaking her fist, she snarled, "How would you like to have one eye?"
The girl screamed and leaped behind a tall, muscular man, who shot Leela a furious glare. "Don't touch my daughter, you filthy mutant!" he spat.
Just as Leela was trying to determine how high she would have to kick to reach the man's crotch, Fry grabbed her shoulder and applied restraining pressure. "They're not worth it," he muttered into her ear.
A cauldron of anger simmered in Leela's heart. If it weren't for this stupid wristband, she told herself, that man might be my friend instead of someone I want to beat the snot out of.
"Yo, Fry," said Bender, tapping on his human buddy's back. "I'll give you five bucks if you let 'em go at it."
Amy had moved ahead, meanwhile, and before long she and Kif were locked in an embrace. "Look at you, Kiffy," gushed Amy, admiring her lover's velour outfit. "You're the captain of the Nimbus. You're somebody."
"This is still my first officer's uniform," Kif told her.
"Well, yeah," Amy acknowledged. "But it's not the uniform, it's the man who fills it that's important." Oh, how I love a man in uniform, she thought as she planted a kiss on Kif's yielding lips.
Leela, Amy, and Kif arrived together at the Planet Express building that evening, hoping to convene with their friends for dinner and conversation. To Leela's surprise, the fembot Delta was puttering about the lounge, sucking the popcorn from the chair cushions with her hand-mounted vacuum cleaner.
"You're still here?" Leela marveled.
"I never left," replied Delta in her usual telephone-recording voice.
"Where do you live?" Amy asked the apron-clad robot. "You do live somewhere, right?"
"I live in the arms of whatever man will have me," was Delta's answer.
Leela moaned in disgust and walked off. Kif, seeing her stormy countenance, hurried on his short legs to keep up with her. "How are you holding up?" he inquired gently. "With the government's new policy toward mutants, you must be under tremendous stress."
"Yes, I am," said Leela, shaking her head. "I rather hoped that Zapp being captured would lift my spirits, but it's just not doing it."
"You don't know Captain Brannigan like I do," said Kif. "He talks about you very respectfully."
"He does?" said Leela, a bit startled.
"Well, uh, yes," said Kif, his tone becoming sheepish. "When he's awake, that is."
Unable to resist Kif's attempts to comfort her, Leela wandered back to the lounge, where Amy and Delta had been joined by Fry, Bender, and Dr. Zoidberg. All were immersed in a television address by Nixon's Head, bellowing at the masses from atop his titanic cyborg body.
"The attack on the Nimbus constitutes an act of war," stated the President of the World. "The Pirates of the Cerulean have tacitly declared war on Earth, and their challenge will be answered boldly, resolutely, and above all, unilaterally."
"Oh, spleesh," grumbled Amy. "We haven't even finished the last war."
"This conflict will require dedication and sacrifice on the part of every citizen of Earth," Nixon continued. "An influx of recruits is required for our planet's armed space forces. We need men and women who are strong, fearless, well-disciplined…"
A thought occurred to Leela. I could join Spacefleet and get off the planet. Fighting a war has got to be better than living in the sewer...
"…diligent, and loyal. Mutants and children with rich parents need not apply."
The next thing Fry, Delta, Kif, Amy, and Zoidberg saw was a napkin dispenser smashing through the television screen and lodging itself in the circuitry. Turning, they gasped at the sight of a seething cyclops girl with clenched teeth and an upraised arm.
"Oh, Leela," said Kif under his breath.
"Great," Fry complained. "What're we gonna watch now?"
"I'm sure you didn't mean to destroy the TV," said Bender with fake sympathy. "I'm sure you were aiming at Fry."
"Hooray!" exclaimed Zoidberg. "Now I can entertain you all by making music with my body."
Leela panted with anger. I wish it really were as simple as smashing a TV, she thought.
To be continued