"I've never entertained pirates before," said Delta. "I wish I'd brought a formal gown."
"You're fine as you are," Leela assured her. The one-eyed girl had stowed her laser pistol, wrist console, and any other personal item that might be misconstrued as a weapon. Only a white tank top stood between her and the coming invaders.
The eternity of waiting was suddenly interrupted by the whine of a laser drill. A fiery glow appeared on the wall, then a molten hole that grew to the size of a door. The first pirate to pass through was a swarthy, half-naked giant of a man, the top of his head shaved, hairy black tassels dangling around his neck. He drew his cutlass, glared at Leela and Delta, and scowled as three smaller pirates stepped onto the bridge next to him.
"A cyclops and a fembot," snarled the tall man. "Why does we get stuck with all the freaks?"
"'Cause we're space pirates," remarked one of his companions, who sported a stumpy wooden leg. "It comes with the territory."
A total of eight pirates surrounded Leela and Delta with drawn swords before the two women dared venture to speak. "Uh, take me to your leader?" was all Leela could manage.
"Arrr," grumbled the hulking pirate, stepping closer and choking her with the stench of his sweat. "The captain won't be bothered with the likes o' ye. I'll dispense with ye myself." Leela felt his gaze like a dagger as it dropped from her eye to her chest. "Ye has two of what counts, at least. Yarrr."
Concerned for her friend's virtue, Delta stepped in between them. "I am programmed to administer nineteen different forms of erotic stimulation," she told the large cutthroat. His response was a terrifying growl and a flick of his sword arm. Before anyone knew what was happening, the blade neatly sliced through Delta's neck, severing head from busty torso.
Leela screamed. Delta's head struck the floor with a clang and rolled to a stop behind the pilot's seat. The still-conscious fembot was dismayed to find that she was facing away from Leela and the pirates, and had no power to turn herself. She could only listen, and Leela's screams of pain were all she expected to hear.
As Delta's headless body lurched around aimlessly, Leela sprang into furious action, making a quick, graceful arc with her boot as she kicked the sword from the tall pirate's grasp. The other marauders gasped in awe and stepped back. The giant, stunned and gaping, impulsively leaned over to retrieve his cutlass, but in so doing unwisely put his face directly in the path of Leela's punch. His three remaining natural teeth flew from his mouth as he plummeted to the floor.
The pirates backed up to the walls, leaving a wide berth for Leela and her opponent. The cyclops, fists and teeth clenched, watched as the angry giant regained his footing and rose to his full height—which seemed a foot taller than when she had first seen him. Is this the same guy? she wondered.
Her only hope of victory was to aim for the chink in his armor, the one chink that all males shared. Putting all of her strength and will into a spinning kick, she achieved her target squarely and forcefully, so much so that her foot became momentarily stuck between his thighs. Your children will thank me, she thought while landing on her feet.
To her disappointment and horror, the gigantic pirate was still standing. His knees were unbent. His face showed no sign of distress. He calmly folded his arms.
Oh, crap, thought Leela. The surrounding pirates smirked with satisfaction. Delta's body repeatedly ran into a wall, blindly supposing it had found its head.
"I'd be at yer mercy, were I not a eunuch," said the tall pirate with an unworried grin.
As she awaited certain death, Leela recalled the words of her one-time martial arts instructor: "You are girl. You not have will of warrior."
Seconds passed, and her opponent didn't attack.
"This be an unfair fight," he finally stated. Glancing around at the other men, he added, "Me comrades still have their parts. Let one o' them fight ye."
His fellow pirates only shrank back in fear. "Mother o' God, did ye see that kick?" one muttered to another.
The tall man extended his bronzed hand to Leela, to her surprise and elation. "Ye be welcome to join us," he offered.
"Thanks," said Leela. The giant's skin felt like corduroy to her touch. "But before I join you, I'd like you to fix my friend here." She gestured at Delta's out-of-control body.
"Aye," said the giant with a nod. "We'll take him to Foss. He be wise in the ways of science."
The pirates, still fearful after witnessing Leela's spinning attack, kept a respectful distance as they escorted the cyclops to Professor Foss' laboratory. The tall pirate, who had introduced himself as Krandok, carried Delta's head in one hand and her wriggling body in the other. This is odd, thought the fembot. I'm in the arms of a handsome man, and I can't feel a thing.
They entered the dome-shaped lab to find Foss and Zapp seated within the Fossitron, their heads encased in foam-padded helmets. Upon seeing the visitors, Foss quickly reached up to push the helmet away. "Welcome, Krandok," he said as he rose. "Who is this with you?"
Zapp leaped eagerly to his feet. "Do my eyes deceive me?" he said in a silky tone. "Has the lovely, sexy Turanga Leela come here to join me in captivity?"
"Oh, yes, Zapp," said Leela, smiling insincerely. "I surrendered myself to the pirates just so I could be with you." She stepped dangerously closer as Zapp beamed with delight. "So I could do this."
Grabbing Zapp's blond locks, she yanked his head downward while simultaneously bringing up her knee. The collision of nose with kneecap was punctuated by a crack.
Zapp reeled, blood gushing from his nostrils. "By dose!" he wailed. "You broke by dose!"
Leela only glowered at him. "It's not half what you deserve, you libidinous man-ape."
To be continued