CXXXIV 134
there's no-one there to hold me tight
even though i once believed that someone would always walk you through the night
someone whose presence made you feel like you could never be afraid
but now i'm alone
what makes the universe so cruel?
he used to walk beside me
only smiling when no-one else was looking
but i know he loved me
because those rare smiles he gave he only gave to me
and as i'd walk beneath the sunlit trees and sing
his eyes would fill with peace and gaze at me as if i were the only one alive
when he laughed a real laugh, it was always for me and me alone
and only for me would his eyes sing that perfect song
that sung of his happiness and his bright love for me
i glance behind me but he's no longer there,
he with his watchful eye that never left me,
as if he feared i'd drown in the air if he didn't protect me . . .
and now that he's not here . . .
i do drown in the air.
i can't breathe.
it's choking me . . .
there's nothing to see in me now.
the light in me that he loved has faded with his absence.
if only i knew where he went . . .
i'd run toward him and never rest
and if i found him lying dead
i'd cradle his blank head in my lap
and drown us both in tears of dreaded agony
for all eternity . . .
i hope, i hope, i hope i won't have to shed those bitter tears—
these tears i weep now are merely fear and loneliness,
yet they wrench my heart into emptiness.
i can't sing anymore without you.
if you don't come back, the clouds will never part
and the sun will never shine
and the life that others love in me will fade.
i'll find you.
there's no way that you'll escape me.
if you've left this world behind i'll follow.
is that defeatist? is it cowardice? is it selfishness?
no.
it's love.
don't leave me.
don't turn your back on my tear-streaked face.
i only wanted you to hold me
in that ever-loving gaze
that kept us both alive
despite the death that clung to our toes as we passed the fields of war
do those dead we pass have those who love them as you do?
i hope they weren't lonely.
but i hope they didn't leave anyone to grieve.
how is it that no-one can see the depth of this sadness?
they can't understand . . .
and that may be their blessing, but it is my curse.
i understand far too well.
i should not have to know what such pain is.
come back to me.
you promised you'd never let me go.
it's not your fault. i don't care.
just come back.
the love in your eyes is my life . . .
a life i no longer have.