Thank you MaggieMay17 for beta'ing, Ncsupnatfan and VegasGranny for pre-reading, and you all for reading.
Chapter Eighteen
Sam came back to himself with a deeply drawn breath and quickly got to his feet, moving away from the bed. His hands were fisted, and his eyes were tight with anger.
"What?" Dean asked, his own helpless anger still close to the surface. "What's wrong with him?" When Sam didn't answer, his voice rose. "Dammit, Sam! What is it?"
"Easy, Dean," Mary said, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Give him a minute."
"Sam," Castiel said, his tone soft. "Are you okay?"
Sam nodded and then turned to look at Nick for a moment, a flash of anger in his eyes before he smoothed his expression and said, "It's trauma. His head is flooded with trauma."
Dean's legs felt weak. "Like the Cage? Lucifer again?"
"Yes," Sam said. "It's Lucifer."
"But Chuck took it away," Mary said. "Nick said it was gone, and Chuck said he took it."
"Then he sent it back," Sam said idly.
The fact Sam sounded so calm, as if the sight of their brother lying on the bed in front of them with hell and the devil raging in his head meant nothing to him, made Dean's ears ring and his vision redden.
"Seriously!" he shouted. "Your little brother is going through a literal hell, again, and you're just pushing your belief that Chuck is a dick right now? What is wrong with you?"
Sam's expression darkened, and Dean fought the urge to step back. Sam looked dangerous, more like an archangel than his brother. It was the knowledge that Dean himself felt just as dangerous which stopped him from making the move.
"Dean, calm down," Mary said. "Sam… take a breath." She sounded nervous as she addressed her son, and Dean knew she was seeing the same danger in Sam that Dean was.
Dean looked at Nick, supine and still on the bed, and forced himself to unlock his muscles. His shoulders lowered, and his hands relaxed from the tight fists he'd curled them into.
"What do we do, Sam?" he asked, fighting to keep his tone civil.
Sam considered Dean for a long moment, and then he changed, too. His eyes softened, and his expression became almost longing. He seemed to be trying to communicate something with Dean that he couldn't decipher.
If it was Nick, Dean would have known what he was trying to say at once. They had a different connection to each other than they had with Sam: they'd lost all the years that had been needed to develop it.
"Sammy," he said tentatively, wishing he knew what Sam wanted.
Sam shook his head as if to clear it. "I'll take it away."
Castiel gasped. "No, Sam!"
Sam shot him a sharp glance and then turned back to Dean. "I'll take the experience the way Castiel did when Nick was hallucinating."
"How do you know…?" Dean started.
"I know because Lucifer knew," Sam said.
Castiel glared at him. "This is what you were thinking! You're going to take it on yourself!" He sounded incensed, angrier than Dean had ever seen him.
Dean didn't understand it. Sure, it was a big sacrifice for Sam to make, but it was for his little brother. He'd given himself up to Lucifer to save Nick once. There was nothing Dean wouldn't do for Nick or Sam, and Sam would feel the same. Castiel should know that.
"I'm doing it," Sam said in a dead voice.
"Sam, no!" Castiel said. "Think about what it will cost. When I did it for Nick, I was in a coma for months. It took the revelation of the Word of God to bring me back, and I was severely… compromised afterward."
"What do you mean compromised?" Mary asked. "What's going to happen to Sam?"
Sam ignored the question. "I know the price, Cas," he said.
"And do you know how Nick felt about it?" Castiel asked, laying heavy emphasis on the name. ""How he looked, when I woke in that asylum and my mind was... unfocused, and he told me he was going to fix me. " He was in pain, Sam. Do you know that?"
Sam nodded stiffly. "Yes."
"And you want to put him in a position to feel that—you want Dean and Mary to watch him suffer?" Castiel asked. "What about you? When you're comatose, unable to move or talk or do anything at all, when they see that, how do you think they'll feel? Your family, Sam!"
Sam squeezed his eyes shut, and when then opened, they were hard. "I'm doing it for them."
"Wait!" Mary said. "Tell me what you're planning."
Sam seemed scared to meet her eye as he said, "There is a way for me to transfer the trauma from Nick's mind into my own. There are consequences for me, I will be… out of action for a while, but it will save him." He smiled slightly. "I can do it. I will do it."
Castiel opened his mouth to argue, but Dean cut him off. "Give it up, Cas. He's doing it."
He didn't mean to sound so heartless, but he was scared of what Nick was going through, what it was doing to him, and what it might mean for Sam after.
He loved his brothers, and choosing between them was brutal, but he knew which one of them was able to handle that kind of torment, and it wasn't Nick. Sam was an archangel. He wasn't relying only on his damaged soul to exist the way Nick was.
It had to be Sam.
Sam winced and asked, "How did you do it, Cas?"
"And if I don't tell you?" Castiel asked, crossing his arms over his chest. "What will you do then?"
Sam stared at him a moment, seeming to be taking in Castiel's obvious fury and accepting it
"Fine. I'll find it for myself."
Castiel frowned and then stepped back until he was pressed against the wall as Sam stalked towards him. "Sam, don't do this to yourself, please—" he managed before Sam seized him by the throat, pinning him in place. He lifted his other hand but hesitated.
"Just tell me, Cas. I have to take on his experience of Lucifer—" A look of revulsion flashed across Sam's face, "and I need to know how. Don't make me take that knowledge from you by force." Sam released his hold. "Please," he begged quietly as the silence extended. Finally Castiel nodded, briefly placing two fingers on Sam's temple.
"You still don't have to do this," Castiel began urgently.
Sam nodded absently, then touched two fingers to Castiel's forehead. He caught him as Castiel's legs buckled, and his eyes rolled back and closed. Sam lowered him gently to the floor.
"I've got it," he said. "I can do it."
"Sam…" Mary started, then trailed off as if the words had evaded her.
"Thank you, Sammy," Dean said. "The fact you're doing this is…"
"Give me some space," Sam said in a dead voice.
Dean stepped back from the bed and reached for Sam. His intent was to hug him, to make a show of the huge gratitude and love he felt for him, but Sam held up a hand, and Dean froze, his shock and sadness etched all over his face.
Sam smiled slightly and said, "Take care of him, Dean."
"I will," Dean promised. "And I'll take care of you, too. We all will. And when you come back, when it wears off or whatever, we're all going to…" He stopped, realizing he had no idea what Sam would want to hear. He could offer him time and comfort, but he thought Sam might prefer space and peace, the way he had since he came back.
They'd all been doing their best to give him what they thought he'd need to be comfortable with them, but it had still been a struggle for Sam. Dean wasn't sure there was anything they could give that Sam would want apart from giving him nothing at all.
"I know," Sam said dully.
Sam sat on the edge of the bed and touched Nick's temple. Dean held his breath, afraid it wasn't going to work, and then the red glowing veins spread from Nick up Sam's arm and to his head.
"Sam," Mary whispered.
"It's okay, Mom," Dean said. "It's what it looked like before. It's working."
Sam's eyes glowed, and then Nick's eyes flew open, and he cried out in shock.
"Nicky!" Dean said, skirting the bed and grabbing Nick's shoulders as he scrambled back, so he was sitting pressed against the headboard. "It's okay."
Nick's eyes fell on him, and he looked almost scared, as if Dean might attack, and then he looked at Sam, who was slumped against the headboard on the other side of the bed, his eyes closed and expression slack.
"No," Nick whispered. "He…"
"He saved you," Mary said, stepping closer to the bed and stroking Sam's cheek. "He fixed it."
"Do you remember what happened, Nicky?" Dean asked softly, his hand on his brother's shoulder.
Nick didn't answer at once. He seemed to be considering something. Dean guessed it was how much to tell them of what he'd just suffered. Then he said, "There are flashes. I saw Sam." He looked nervous. "What did he tell you?"
"That it was Lucifer," Dean said, and Nick's eyes widened. "You got the Cage experience back. Sam took it away the way Cas did before."
Nick's lips parted, and he stared at Sam. "Dammit, Sam," he whispered.
"It's okay," Mary said, stroking Sam's hair back from his face and then coming to the other side of the bed and sitting down beside Nick. She reached for his hand and then stopped as Nick pulled back an inch before stilling again. "It's okay, Nick," she said. "Sam is going to be fine."
"Yeah," Dean said. "It's not like it was with Cas. Sam is stronger. He'll probably pull out of it in a day or so. He's been through some pretty rough stuff himself, and he was handling it all before."
Nick nodded, and his expression was almost haunted. "Yeah, he has."
There was a groan, and Dean suddenly remembered the unconscious angel on the floor on the other side of the bed. At least the angel that had been unconscious; from the sounds of it, he was waking up.
Dean looked over and saw Castiel stirring. He squeezed Nick's shoulder and then went to Castiel's side and touched his arm. "Take it easy, Cas. You're okay."
Castiel's eyes fluttered and opened. He looked confused for a moment, then he scrambled to his feet and looked at Sam where he sat, devoid of animation, on the edge of the bed.
"Sam!" he said, making the word a curse. "What did you do?"
"He fixed Nick," Dean said. "He did what he needed to do."
"No!" Castiel said, straightening his back and looking every inch the avenging angel as he pointed a finger at Dean. "He did what you needed him to do! You gave him no choice!"
"What? Dean?" Nick said, his tone strained.
"He had a choice," Dean argued. "Yeah, I needed him to do it. Mom needed him to do it. Nick needed him to do it. But Sam needed to do it for himself even more. He was saving his little brother, Cas. Do you really think he'd be able to live with himself if he hadn't?"
Castiel squeezed his eyes shut and then said, "You have no idea what you have done to him. No idea!"
Dean shoved his shoulder. "You don't think I know what he's done? He's my brother, Cas. He's my family. I love him. I lost him so long ago, and when I got him back, it was amazing. But I never really had him back, did I? You had him. You and him went bouncing all over the world together, like you were living out some angel buddy cop movie. You had him, and now you're pissed because he's done this for us, his real family."
"Dean!" Nick shouted, getting to his feet and yanking Dean's shoulder, so he stumbled back a step. "That's enough!"
Castiel's eyes moved to Nick, and Dean was shocked by the anger in them. Castiel had been pissed before, when talking to Dean, but the way he was looking at Nick now was almost hateful. Nick obviously saw it, too, as he winced.
"Sam doesn't need to hear this," Mary said quietly.
Castiel snorted. "Sam can't hear anything, Mary. And unless we find a way to save him, he'll never hear anything again. Because of your sons, Sam is gone."
Mary looked on the verge of tears. She looked at Sam, and Dean saw the pain in her as she understood properly what Sam had done for Nick.
"It'll be different for Sam. He's an archangel. He'll snap out of it."
Though it was Dean that had spoken, it was Nick that Castiel looked at as he asked, "Do you want him to?"
Dean swung a fist through the air, and it collided with Castiel's cheek. Castiel's head jolted, but he quickly turned back to Dean and stared into his eyes, fury roiling in his stare.
"Why would you even ask that, Castiel?" Mary asked. "Of course, Nick wants him back. We all do. He's our family."
Nick nodded. "I want him back, Cas."
Castiel squeezed his eyes shut for a moment and then said, "I'm going to take Sam somewhere and settle him."
"He can stay in here," Nick offered. "He can have my room as long as he needs."
"He won't want that," Castiel said dismissively. "I will find somewhere else."
Nick bit his lip. "We've got plenty of rooms. You don't need to take him away."
Castiel glowered at him and then said with forced civility, "Thank you, Nick. I'm sure Sam appreciates your kindness."
"Okay, what the hell is with you?" Dean asked.
Castiel looked through him as if he hadn't spoken and said, "You have a dead body in the library, and Jack needs to be checked on. Sam has healed him, but he's been through a trauma."
"I can help you with Sam," Mary offered.
"There's no need, thank you," he said stiffly. "I can take care of him."
Nick grabbed Dean's arm and tugged him out into the hall. Mary came out after them and said, "What was that about? I've never seen Castiel like that before."
"None of us have," Nick said. "He's just… He needs time."
Dean rubbed a hand over his face. "Yeah, when Sammy's back on his feet, Cas will be okay. He's just stressed. I mean, he did it for Nick once and knows what happened to him, how it felt. He's scared it will be like that for Sam, too."
"But why was he saying those things to Nick?" Mary asked. "Why was it like he didn't think you'd want him back?"
"I don't know," Nick said. "Maybe…" He shrugged. "It's my fault Sam is like this. He took it from me. It's got to be that."
Dean stared at his brother, analyzing his face as he answered. He wasn't sure what it was Nick was hiding, but there was definitely something. It could just be guilt about that Sam had done this for him, that Nick hadn't been able to defend himself from Magnus, or there could be something more.
Whatever it was, Dean would find out. But first, he needed to just deal with what he already had going on. Nick was awake and himself, which was a miracle, but Sam had paid the price of it, and Dean had been kicked out by Castiel before he could even get him somewhere comfortable.
"I'll go to see about Jack," Mary said, turning and walking deeper along the hall towards Jack's room as Nick and Dean headed to the library.
When Dean was sure she was out of earshot, he said, "Are you okay, Nicky?"
"Yeah. I'm fine."
He answered too fast for it to be believable, and Dean grabbed his arm and stopped him. "You went through hell, Nick," he said. "Is it really gone?"
Nick smiled slightly. "Yeah, it's gone. Sam took it all. I'm worried about him, obviously, but otherwise, I'm fine. It's over."
He started walking again, and then turned back and looked at Dean with an intensity that made Dean's heart skip. Nick looked close to crying.
"What?" he asked. "Nicky, talk to me."
Nick grabbed his shoulders and pulled him into a hug. Dean embraced him in return, feeling the relief of holding his brother after the fear of almost losing him, and then pulled back.
"I love you, Dean," Nick said fervently.
Not since Nick was a child, before he learned the truth about the world and lost most of the innocence he'd had before, had he said those words. They'd never needed them. They showed each other how they felt in various ways that were nonverbal. Dean hadn't said them himself in so long that he couldn't remember the last time.
"I know, Nicky," he said.
"I mean it. You, Mom, Sam, you're everything. I love you all."
Dean patted his cheek. "We all know that, and we all feel the same."
Nick drew a shaky breath and then nodded and started walking again.
Dean stared after him and then hurried over and fell into step at his side.
When they got to the library, Nick went straight to Magnus' body and yanked out Sam's blade. He held it in his hand for a moment, staring at it with something indecipherable in his eyes, and then he set it down on the table and looked away.
"It's Sam's," he said distractedly.
Dean frowned. "Uh, yeah, I know."
Nick nodded. "Sam's." He bent down and hefted Magnus' body over his shoulder. "Come on, Dean. We've got to burn him."
Dean just stood for a moment, trying to unravel Nick's behavior and his own confused emotions. It was all too tangled, though, and he had things to do. He shrugged and followed Nick up the stairs and through the open door.
They'd deal with Magnus and then go see Sam. It didn't matter what Castiel thought about them and what had happened, he wasn't keeping Dean away from his brother.
So… That happened. This was a tough scene to write, Dean's anger and demands, but it had to happen. I promise it will all work out before the end.
Until next time…
Clowns or Midgets xxx