Happy Saturday!
I have good news. The story is now completely written, so I can guarantee I won't be leaving it incomplete. It needs a lot of edits, and I'm going to need MaggieMay17 to help me out to polish as she's great with this story and keeps me on track.
Thank you Ncsupnatfan and VegasGranny for pre-reading.
Chapter Twenty
Sam was sitting in the darkened library where he'd found Nick, and he was feeling as tormented as Nick had looked.
He remembered it all, everything Lucifer remembered.
He had been Sam in the Cage, desperate for release. He had been Lucifer, torturing and enjoying. He had both felt the pain and anguish and had delighted in inflicting it.
He'd always known Lucifer was twisted and cruel, but he had never truly understood what that meant. He had never touched that kind of darkness inside himself, not even at his very worst. The mere fact that level of evil existed in the world at all was agonizing to him.
Well, duh, Gabriel said scathingly. You didn't see that before? I would have thought your time in the Cage would have made you wise up.
"Chuck took all that away from him and gave him my life," Sam said dolefully. "How could anyone be so…"
Malicious? Gabriel suggested. I guess Lucifer inherited more than power from Dad. He took that twist to his nature, too. I've got to say, I never thought Dad was great exactly, but he caught me off guard with what he did.
"What do I do? How do I live like this? I feel it now."
What you need is a holiday. I know just the place.
"I can't do that."
Sam couldn't leave them all behind. He needed his family with him.
But you don't have them. You can never have them the way you need. You were struggling before with what happened. How are you going to cope when you look at Nick and see who he had really been before; when you remember what he did and how he felt while he was doing it?
Sam had no answer. He drew up his knees and buried his face against them.
You are going to wake up soon, Sam. You know it. I know it. You can already feel it happening. It's only your sheer bloody-mindedness that's keeping you here now. You're going to lose that resistance sooner or later, and then you'll be back with them. In your very own, personal Hell on earth.
"I can't," Sam said, his voice muffled against his knees.
Can't bear it? Gabriel guessed. Can't face them all while you're feeling like this? Then don't. Come here and do something good. You'll never have to see Nick again. You'll be able to save lives. I know you want this, Sam. All that's holding you back is your family, and you've got that here, Sam. I'm your family now.
"You're not," Sam growled.
Okay, wow, that hurt my feelings. It's also bullshit. You're an archangel now, Sam. I'm an archangel. We're all we have left. There's no one else.
"I have Cas."
Okay, yeah, you have him. Is that enough to make it possible for you to live in that world? Castiel is great, I know, and you care about him. He cares about you, too, but that's not what's going to save you. I am what's going to save you.
"Save me from what?"
From yourself. You almost died last time, when Castiel broke the wall Death built in your mind to shield you from these memories, because you were losing your mind. You won't die this time. Your grace won't let that happen. The only escape you'll have is to kill yourself, and you won't be able to do that. It goes against everything you have ever fought for in your life. Am I wrong?
"No," Sam sighed.
He knew that he couldn't do it. There were times in his life when that would have been a relief for him, when Dean was in Hell and when Lucifer had been raging in his mind, but the only time he'd ever seriously considered suicide was to stop Lucifer using him as a vessel. That was a sacrifice to save the world. If he took his own life, he would be leaving a world that would be vulnerable. Billie's book was wrong. His story would never end if that's was how it had to be.
This world is vulnerable, Gabriel said pointedly. This is the one that needs you. That's why you have to come.
"What about Dean?"
Gabriel's voice was heavy with sadness as he answered. Dean chose Nick, Sam. When it was a choice between losing Nick and sacrificing you, he let you do it to save Nick.
A sob built in Sam's throat, and he tried to swallow it down, but it escaped him in a choking sound.
I'm sorry, Gabriel said quietly.
"I don't have him, do I? I don't have any of them."
No, you don't.
Sam lifted his head and wiped his face. "Okay. I'll do it."
You'll come here?
Sam nodded. "I don't know what else I can do. I can't be with them the way I need to, and I can't stay in this world without being near them. They'd want me to be there, and that's impossible now."
Okay, I'll lay out the welcome mat. You've got what you need?
Sam nodded. "I've got the Key of Solomon at the cabin. There's still fruit in the bunker storeroom, and I've got plenty of grace."
The blood?
"I'll go to Malta. Father Lucca will give some up."
Will he? Don't you think he's more likely to run away? He won't know who you are, Sam. It's Nick he knew after all.
Sam shrugged. "Then I'll take it."
Good, Gabriel said with satisfaction. Then you better get on with it—time to rise and shine.
"How?"
Same way you told Nick to do it. Snap out of it!
Gabriel's voice came as a shout, Sam's head jerked, and his eyes flew open into a dimly lit room that he recognized as the bedroom of Rufus' cabin. At his side was his blade. There was a blanket over him, and he was lying on the bed, propped up by pillows. Though there was no need for comfort for an archangel, the care of whoever had settled him here was a kindness Sam appreciated.
Castiel was sitting on a chair beside the bed, his head bowed and eyes closed. He was murmuring words that sounded like a prayer. "Amara, please help us. I don't know what to do for him. It can't end like this. Not for Sam. I know you have the power to do this for him. Help me. Save him."
"It's okay, Cas," Sam said, easing himself fully upright and sitting on the edge of the bed. "I'm here." He tucked his blade up his sleeve.
Castiel's head snapped up, and his eyes flew open. "Sam! Oh, thank… How do you feel?"
"I'm… okay." He listened for a moment, checking for other sounds of movement, then said, "We're here alone."
Castiel nodded. "I brought you here. I thought it would be better if you had space. And I…" He sighed. "I needed space, too. It was impossible to be near them, to be near Nick."
"He's okay, right? I mean, he woke up?"
"He did," Castiel said. "And he's fine. Completely back to himself. Well, back to Nick, at least. You succeeded in what you wanted to do. He lost everything of Lucifer. He has only memories of Nick now."
"Good," Sam said.
"Can I get you anything?"
Sam smiled ruefully. Castiel was trying so hard to help, and Sam was going to abandon him. It was cruel, but he needed Castiel to stay here if he was leaving. Dean and Nick needed powerful backup, and Sam couldn't be that for them.
"I am going to get some air," he said.
Castiel looked pleased. "I'll come with you."
"I just need a minute alone," Sam said. "I'll be right back."
Castiel's face fell, but he quickly morphed into a smile and said, "Of course. I'll be here when you get back."
"I won't go far," Sam promised.
He stopped with his hand on Castiel's arm and then pulled him into a hug. Castiel was stiff at first, surprised, but he quickly relaxed and returned it.
When Sam released him, Castiel pulled back and said, "Are you really okay?"
Sam nodded. "Yeah. Thanks, Cas. I appreciate what you've done for me, and I'm sorry I knocked you out."
Castiel smiled. "Just promise not to do it again."
"I promise," Sam said with a pang of regret. He would never do it again as he wouldn't be there.
He went down to the living area of the cabin, opened the door, and closed it again so it sounded as if he had gone outside, and then quickly took the Seal of Solomon from the drawer, tucked it in his pocket, drew his blade and cut across his hand. He pumped a fist to make the blood flow and then daubed the symbol he needed on the wall. When it was done, he opened the door again and called, "Cas, come here a minute."
Castiel didn't waste time with the stairs. He appeared in front of Sam, his brow furrowed and then becoming stricken as he took in the symbol on the wall and Sam's bloody hand.
"No!" Don't! Please, Sam, I…"
Sam raised his hand and then lowered it. He couldn't do it. He wanted it over, to leave, but Castiel's expression, the confusion and fear in it, the love, made him see he owed him better than to banish him and run away.
"I'm sorry, Cas," he sighed.
Castiel held up his hands and edged towards him. "What's happening, Sam? Why would you banish me? What are you planning to do?" His eyes widened. "No! You can't hurt yourself. Please, no!"
"I'm not hurting myself," Sam said. "But I am leaving. I'm going to help Gabriel."
Castiel's lips parted with shock, and Sam could see him struggling for words.
"I'm sorry," Sam went on. "But I can't stay. I can't bear to live like this, Cas. Dean chose Nick. I thought I knew what I'd lost, but I didn't – not until that moment. I have to get away from it." His voice became desperate. "Please understand."
"I do," Castiel said quietly. "I suspected for a long time that you might. Ever since you took the Seal of Solomon, I knew it was a risk. I just hoped your need to be with your family would be more powerful than your need to be away from him."
"It's not," Sam said. "It's too much to face. And I can help in the other world. Gabriel has been asking me to come for a long time. I wanted to stay, I really did, but I just can't anymore."
Castiel nodded and then walked towards Sam and embraced him. Sam held him close, taking comfort in his friend for the last time, and then pulled back. "I'm sorry I'm leaving you to deal with all this alone, Cas. But I know you'll take care of them."
"I will," Castiel promised. He smiled sadly. "Goodbye, Sam."
Sam patted his shoulder, gave it a brief squeeze, said, "Goodbye, Cas," and then spread his wings and took flight.
Sam arrived in a cobblestone street of Valletta, Malta, in the morning sun and drew in his wings at his back. He remembered the name of the place from when he'd met Father Lucca, but he was going to need more than that to track him down. He fixed the priest's face in his mind and felt for a pull towards him.
It came, and he hurried along the streets, taking corners by instinct until he came to a church with pale stone walls and large stained-glass windows. The door was open, and Sam could hear voices inside, one of them a familiar one.
He slipped inside and saw the priest standing at the altar, standing over a woman in a nun's habit who was murmuring a prayer.
Sam wanted to get the blood and get gone, to give himself a head start on getting away before Castiel tried to find him, but he was also aware of the need to respect what was passing between the two people.
He slipped into a seat and waited for them to finish.
When the priest placed his hand on the nun's head, and she nodded and rose, Sam got to his feet and walked towards the altar.
Father Lucca looked up and smiled. "Hello. May I help you?" he asked.
Sam waited until the nun had slipped away, and then he said, "I'm a friend of Dean and Nick Winchester, and I need something from you."
Father Lucca frowned. "If you're their friend, I think I can guess what it is you want. Can I ask why you need it?"
"You can ask," Sam said.
The priest smiled. "I see. The Winchesters told me they needed my blood for someone they loved. I gave it for that reason." He looked Sam up and down. "I am sure that you can take it if you wanted to, I sense you could be a dangerous man, too, but I would like to know what you would use it for."
"That's fair," Sam said. "Okay, here's the thing. I do need it to save someone; I need it to save myself. I can't explain how, but your blood can give me something I need more than anything else. I don't want to take it by force as I know you are a good man, but I can't leave without it."
Father Lucca stared into his eyes for a moment, making Sam feel that he was being x-rayed, and then he nodded and said, "I will give you some ofmy blood. Come with me."
Sam followed him through a door to the right of the large church, and they came into a smaller room with cupboards and a clean cassock hanging on a hook. Father Lucca opened a door and pulled out a small glass bottle with a cross etched into it. Sam assumed it was usually used for holy water.
"Do you have something I can use to draw blood?" he asked.
Sam withdrew his blade and held it out.
Father Lucca's eyebrows rose, and he asked, "What kind of weapon is this?"
"A powerful one," Sam said.
The priest took it and nodded. "Yes, there is immense power in this. I can feel the touch of…" He looked wondering. "You must be careful with this."
"I will," Sam said quickly. "The blood?"
Father Lucca cut across his palm and held the fisted hand over the opening of the bottle so that the blood flowed into it. Sam waited until there was enough to bring it an inch above the bottom then tugged the priest's hand away and uncurled his fingers. He healed the wound with a touch of grace and then capped the bottle and placed it in his pocket.
Father Lucca stared at his healed hand and asked, "How did you do that?"
Sam smiled. "You'd never believe me."
"Let me decide that."
Sam tucked his blade back up his sleeve and felt it merge back into him, and said, "I'm an angel."
"An angel?"
Sam nodded. "I really am." He huffed a laugh. "I said you wouldn't believe me."
"I am a holy man," Father Lucca said.
"Un uomo santissimo," Sam said. "A most holy man, right?"
Father Lucca frowned and then said, "I believe many things that are impossible for others to accept. I see things that others don't."
"And what do you see in me?" Sam asked. "An angel?"
He shook his head slowly. "Perhaps an angel, I can't know that, but I can see who you really are more clearly."
"Who am I?" Sam asked.
"You are a most troubled man. Tell me, will my blood cure that?"
Sam nodded. "I hope so, yeah."
"Then I wish you luck."
Sam nodded, then took flight again. He came to a stop outside the bunker intentionally this time. He didn't want to be knocked back by the warding again, and he guessed they wouldn't have taken it down yet—if they ever would.
The door was closed but not quite set on its hinges right following his break-in, so he was able to get it open again easily, thankfully without noise.
Though it was morning in Malta, it was still night in Kansas, and as Sam went down the stairs into the war room, he searched with his senses for signs of people awake. The only sounds he could hear were breathing and the creak of someone turning in bed.
Relieved that they were all sleeping, he hurried through the library and across the hall to the storeroom where he and Dean had stowed the Fruit from the Tree of Life. He was worried that Dean or Nick might have put it somewhere else, but he saw the jar on the shelf that contained the remaining three fruits that they'd not used. He grabbed it, took one of the fruits from the jar, and then hurried out again, through the bunker to the cool air outside. Sam pushed the door into place, straightening the hinges so that the lock was flush, and then stopped a moment and looked back.
The place he had just left had been home. The family that were inside it had been his. This had been his world. He felt a dull ache in his chest as he said his silent goodbye.
There's a new world waiting for you, Gabriel said. And now you've got what you need to come. Are you ready?
"Yes," Sam said. "I'm coming."
He took flight again for the last time in his old world, heading to the place he would open a door to his new one.
So… Sam is on his way. This was in the plan for the story from the beginning—Sam to go to the AU—but it took longer than I expected for me to get there. How do you feel about it?
Until next time…
Jadey's World xxx