SPOILER WARNING: Everything up until 'Nothing Important Happened Today' ...Ooh, and does a quote from one of my other fics count? LOL
CLASSIFICATION: V, MSR, MA
DISCLAIMER: In my dreams! Mulder, Scully and William belong to each other, and are unfairly tied down by Chris Carter, 1013, Fox et al. I just wanna toy with their emotions a bit - no infringement intended.
DEDICATION: In memory of Gene Pitney, who inspired, encouraged and entertained me; whose music kept me strong even thru the toughest times...and whose twisted sense of humour always made me double check for typos in anything he would be able to read :) You will be greatly missed, Geno!
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'Gonna keep these wheels of mine covering ground'
--'Last Chance To Turn Around' by Gene Pitney
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Round and round and round and round...
He could feel them moving beneath him, and just the mental image of the repetitive cycle made him giddy to the point of sickness.
Round and round, over and over, taking him farther and farther away.
Everything always repeating - including his having to leave her behind. He'd heard someone once say that Hell was Repetition, and that was exactly what he was going through - even death had been easier to handle than this!
Once he'd believed that it was his fault - that he was on a self-destructive path with a single-minded cause, destroying the lives of others as he aimed for the selfish goal: his friends, his lovers, his family... Then Scully had come along, and he'd succeeded in pulling everything from underneath her also as their partnership grew; all too quickly, gone were Missy, Emily, health, happiness, success, motherhood...
All that sacrifice only to learn the final truth that his abducted sister was dead?
At least, that was what he'd believed up until two years ago. Of course he still felt responsible and guilty for all that had been lost, but his partner had shown him that those conspiring against them were the true perpetrators. That all they could do was fight for the Truth together and try to stand tall against however their enemies twisted their fate.
And that was when he had learnt that he truly belonged - where he truly belonged...
...Round and round and round...
His eyes flick up to look in the car's rear-view mirror and the taunting black, packed bags in the back seat that it reflects.
'I'm not gonna risk losing you...'
Oregan. Abductions. Him being taken. Leaving her.
Montana. Being dumped in a field. Dying. Leaving her.
Georgetown... Threats against his life - against that of their son... Leaving the only things that gave his sorry life meaning behind.
Repetition.
Living an existence without them by his side.
Pure, torturous Hell.
Eyes sting with unshed tears as his car continues along route 29 and he remembers those last few moments they'd clung together before the door had had to be shut behind him - desperately seeking to heal the wounds caused by pain, heartaches and tears from the past, savour the present knowledge that their love was unbreakable and that they were now a complete unit with their miracle son, and make silent promises for a future they could start together as soon as he returned, all in those few precious seconds. Remembers the letter he left for her to find on the desk. Remembers standing over William's crib and gently, tentatively reaching out to touch the boy's soft hair and skin. ...All the sights, smells, feelings that made it home...
'My family...'
It's all so indelibly printed in his memory, and yet--
'Mulder, I don't have a choice in this - I don't want you to go, but at the same time I want you to be safe!' his usually rational partner had wept as he'd stepped out of their newborn son's room.
Once again their fate was being twisted into something cold and unrecognisable by the dark, unknown forces tracking them, but there was one turn of the knife that made this more painful than the other times and almost fatal:
It had to be their decision to make for him to walk away. No intervention from a third party against their will...Just--
Suddenly, just up ahead, he sees it: the intersection and his last exit to Georgetown.
Mulder's foot lifts a fraction off the gas pedal, and he actually lets the car drift slightly into the right lane (even though he knows he should take 29 South - in completely the opposite direction).
'...I've been gifted with perfection, only to then have to walk away from it...'
His choice.
This was his last chance to go back, but it had to be his choice: to turn left and do as she'd tearfully begged by getting as far away as possible for his own safety, or take the right turnoff and return to the warm, caring embrace of her love?
Round and round - this time the motion of the cogs in his head as well as the car tyres.
'...I want you to be safe...'
"Dammit!" he loudly curses, slamming one fist against the dashboard whilst the other sharply tugs on the steering wheel and quickly veers the car across three lanes to take the route south.
No, this was as far from being his choice as he knew it was from being Scully's, but they couldn't let their rivals win and break them - couldn't let their lives be completely taken out of their hands. For the sake of the Truth and William, as well as themselves.
"I swear, with all of my being, that I'll be home as soon as I can."
Neither the sound of angry drivers honking their horns at him or the reflection of the baggage in the rear-view mirror could stop him from making his vow, and he felt his heart swell at the thought that no matter where he was, the woman he loved so deeply and the child he felt just as much love for (even though they'd had little time to bond) would always be with him.
One last look back at the chance he had passed up on as he neared the river, and then he tightly locked the walls around his heart and memories. Only Scully held the key to those, so they would just have to stay that way as he journeyed through Hell until he returned to the place where he belonged.
With them.
Always.
XXXXXXXXXX
THE END
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'Her arms were warm as they welcomed me;
Her eyes were fi-re bright.
And then I knew that my path must be
Through the ever-haunted night
For Anywhere I wander, Anywhere I roam,
Till I'm in the arms of my darling again
My heart will find no home,
Anywhere I wander, Anywhere I roam.
Her voice was, oh, such a soft caress!
Of love it gently told.
And in her smile was the tenderness
I may never-more behold.
But Anywhere I wander, Anywhere I roam,
Till I'm in the arms of my darling again
My heart will find no home,
Anywhere I wander, Anywhere I roam.
Her tears were silver as morning dew
As she bade me goodbye,
And ev'ry tear was a promise true
That her love would never die
So Anywhere I wander, Anywhere I roam,
Till I'm in the arms of my darling again
My heart will find no home,
Anywhere I wander, Anywhere I roam'
--'Anywahere I Wander' by Gene Pitney
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