"Oooh…aaah…" said the mutants with delight.
Seeing that the test was successful, Bender cheered and leaped into the cool desert air. "We did it! We did it! Finally, after hours of back-breaking labor, a quantum torpedo that actually works! Bender is great! The rest of you are just good!"
While the mutants took off their visors, Monica Tao came running toward Bender, her breaths heavy, her baby strapped onto her back. "Herr Direktor! Herr Direktor!" she called out.
"Oh, don't you start with the 'Herr Direktor'," Bender grumbled.
"This is bad," said Monica, stopping at the robot's side. "Very bad. Watch."
She raised up the wrist TV console she was wearing. On the tiny screen, Morbo and Linda were delivering a special report.
"As quickly as it started, the war against the Pirates of the Cerulean has ended," said Morbo. "A fleet of DOOP battleships wiped out the pirates' main base today, effectively destroying their ability to fight. In this newscaster's opinion, all of you pathetic humans should keep this day in memory, for just as you have overwhelmed and destroyed the pirates, so shall you be overwhelmed and destroyed when our invincible armada arrives to take what is rightfully ours! WE WILL DESTROY YOU!"
Linda just giggled.
"Oh, my nonexistent God," said Bender miserably. "That's it? The war's already over? But we haven't sold a single torpedo!"
"Don't take it so hard, Bender," said Monica. "There'll be other scams. As a wise man once said, 'There's a sucker born every minute.'"
Bender gritted his shiny metal teeth. "No!" he declared. "I'm gonna succeed in this business without really trying! Another war will come along any day now, and if it doesn't, I'll start one!" Addressing the crowd of mutants, he added, "Are you with me?"
Shouts of approval flew up from the mob. "Viva Bender!" "Viva Herr Direktor!" "We're with Bender until the ender!" Not a single mutant offered a dissenting opinion.
"Good call on the suckers," Bender commended Monica. "What else did the wise man say? Is there a book?"
"In further news," said Linda from the wrist TV, "legendary space captain Zapp Brannigan is safe and sound today after having been rescued from the Cerulean Pirates. His first officer, Kif Kroker, claimed in a sworn statement that a young mutant, Turanga Leela, was chiefly responsible for Captain Brannigan's rescue."
Bender telescoped his eyes to get a clearer picture. "Leela's a hero!" he marveled. "Listen up, you freaks! One of your kind is a hero!"
"In view of this claim," Linda went on, "the President of the World, Richard Nixon's head, has decided to withdraw the Mutant Resettlement Act."
Bender's jaw dropped all the way to the sandy ground.
"This is a happy day for mutants everywhere," Linda declared.
"Oh, dear Lord," said Monica, wiping away tears. "I'm so relieved." Turning to the mutant workers, she yelled, "The Mutant Resettlement Act is history! You no longer have to live in the sewers! You're free!"
The crowd cheered, even more loudly this time. "I'm going home to celebrate!" "Screw this job!" "In your face, Herr Direktor!"
Bender watched glumly as the crowd dispersed and ran away in all directions. In no time at all, he was alone in the desert with Monica and a smoking radioactive crater.
"I'm afraid I've got to go too," said Monica. "I instructed the nanny to call me every fifteen minutes, and it's been three hours."
The Asian woman carried her baby off into the sunset. Bender, left with nothing but his broken dreams, sank to his knees and cried, "NOOOOOO!"
Five people, two robots, and one head gathered at the round table in the Planet Express meeting room—Fry, Leela, Amy, Bender, Delta, Zoidberg, Farnsworth, and Philaster Foss.
"I don't know how you managed to avoid going to prison," said Leela to Foss, "but I'm glad of it." She planted an affectionate kiss on the professor's cheek.
"It was simple," said Foss, "once Nixon granted me a complete amnesty as a reward for my help in rooting out the pirates."
"Why the long face, Bender?" asked Amy.
"Aww, I'm gonna die," the robot moaned. "I owe a bundle to the Robot Mafia, and I can't even begin to pay it back. How could things get any worse?"
"Bender," said Delta, leaning over, "I've given it some thought, and decided that since you and I work together, we should be just friends."
"That's how they could get worse," said Bender, who then started to weep.
"I like your new attitude, Delta," said Leela. "You've finally learned that you can depend on yourself, and don't need a man to make you happy. Uh, Delta? I don't think you should be touching Zoidberg there."
"Heh heh heh," giggled the crustacean.
"We've got a situation, everyone," said Farnsworth. "The Planet Express ship is lost somewhere in the Cerulean Nebula. For all we know, the pirates picked it apart. On top of that, Lrrr is demanding to know what happened to his shipment of Amish furniture."
"And what about Zapp Brannigan?" said Fry. "He's locked up in a cell, stark raving mad."
"What happened to him is my fault," Foss admitted. "As God is my witness, I'll find a way to help him."
"So many problems," Zoidberg lamented. "What do we do about them all?"
"Well, spluh," said Amy. "You put them off until the sequel."
The End