Happy Saturday!
This first — beautiful, poignant, and heart-breaking — half of this chapter was written by MaggieMay19 who is the master of writing Jack and emotion. The second half is me with her edits and fine tuning. It's a combined effort of a chapter, and we hope you enjoy reading it as much as we enjoyed writing it,
Jadey xxx
Chapter Thirty-Two
Jack and Castiel landed in the middle of a desert. Unused to landing without his own wings for balance, Castiel stumbled and would have fallen if Jack had not put a steadying hand on Castel's arm.
"Thank you, Jack," Castiel said. The baked air started gusting around them, lifting the dead grey dust into strange shapes around them.
"Castiel! You have to take back your grace!" Jack said urgently, holding the vial up to Castiel's face, but Castiel shook his head.
"No, Jack." Castiel looked sadly at the boy.
"Castiel, if you do not take back your grace you will die."
"Not immediately. I will live out a human lifespan."
"But you are not human, Castiel. You are an angel. Removing your grace will not give you a human soul. You will go back to the Empty when you die."
"I have been a warrior for hundreds of thousands of years, Jack. I long ago accepted the fact that I could die. Knowing what awaits me does not change that."
"But you are not just risking death, you are choosing it!"
Castiel shook his head. "I'm choosing to live out a small, human-sized life, in the company of my brother-in-arms, in a place where our lives and deaths have meaning. No-one else can understand—"
"You are right, I do not understand! Your life had meaning back home. It means something to me. How can you choose to die?"
"You have Dean and — and Nick—"
"It is not the same! I need you, Castiel! You promised to be my father and protect me!"
"You don't need my protection any more, Jack. You have grown much more powerful than I ever was."
"This is not about power! It is about family!"
Jack's frustration had been building and now it exploded: light and sound poured from him and the ground trembled beneath them. Castiel closed his eyes and covered his ears, just as the blast hit. The last sensation he felt was acceleration, the air forced from his lungs as the pressure wave hit, and he lapsed into unconsciousness.
Castiel awoke lying somewhere comfortable. When he opened his eyes, he was on a floral-patterned couch with a toy-strewn coffee table in front of him, the vial with his grace sitting incongruously amongst the clutter. Looking around he saw he was clearly in a small family home that seemed vaguely familiar to him. Jack had been watching him from an armchair beside the couch but had jumped to his feet when Castiel stirred then dropped to his knees beside the coffee table. It was an oddly childlike gesture.
"Castiel!" Relief flooded Jack's voice. "I am sorry, I didn't mean it, please – please don't be scared."
Castiel smiled. "I am happy to see you, Jack. I am not afraid of you."
Jack did not appear to be consoled. "So much has changed, I thought – now you have no grace – and what you said made no sense – I was angry and confused – and Michael's grace is slippery and – and I couldn't help it." Jack took a deep breath. "I was worried that without your grace you would fear me when you woke. Even Nick and Dean are afraid of me, sometimes." Castiel winced when Jack mentioned the Winchesters. "The dreamwalker we found was terrified when she learned who I was," Jack added in a small voice.
"Oh Jack," Castiel's expression filled with compassion. He pushed himself up into a sitting position, then reached out and put a hand on Jack's shoulder. "I have been afraid for you many times: when you were trapped in this world; when you were listening to Lucifer; and especially when he took your grace; but I was never afraid of you."
"Thank you, Castiel." Jack pulled Castiel into a hug. "I missed you so much," he murmured. "Please come back."
Castiel closed his eyes, hating what he would say next. "I can't go back with you, Jack." Jack pulled away and shifted to sit cross-legged on the floor.
"I understand, Castiel. While you were unconscious I searched your memories. I know it was wrong of me but I needed to find somewhere you would feel calm and safe when you woke. I thought you were angry with me."
"No, Jack, not with you," Castiel said gently.
"Are you angry now I told you I read your mind?"
"I have never been angry with you, either, Jack." Relief flooded Jack's features and Castiel had to look away. He was struck again by the familiarity of the room they were in. "Where is this place?" he asked, curiously.
"A house belonging to a tow-truck lady back on our earth. You have rarely slept, but you did when your grace was stolen. This was the place you felt safest when you woke."
How long was I asleep?" he asked.
"Twenty-seven seconds."
Castiel snorted. "That is not a long time. Are we inside my mind?"
"No, it's real. Mostly. The front door leads to the desert where we landed but the back door opens by the clearing where we first found you and Sam and Gabriel. I am in here talking with you, but my… outburst attracted both an angel that has no vessel and a lot of demons. I am also outside, defending this place."
Concern flooded Castiel and he struggled to his feet. "Defending?"
Jack scrambled to his feet, too. "Don't worry, I am fine, Castiel. I have set up warding around this house, trapped the angel as it was not hostile and have just killed the last demon. I shall come inside."
Jack opened the front door then dissolved into the air as an identical Jack walked in. Castiel crossed the floor to embrace the boy, then held him at arm's length and looked into his face with concern.
"Are you sure you are all right, Jack?"
Jack smiled. "I could handle many more angels and demons than came here. We were never in danger."
Castiel smiled at Jack again, his pride in the boy clear on his face, then took another look around the room as they crossed back to sit on the couch.
"You did all this in twenty-seven seconds?"
"I protected you but you fainted. I did not want you to be angry or afraid when you awoke," Jack explained. "I had chosen somewhere from inside your mind before I realized you might not want me to look there. I am sorry, Castiel."
"It's fine, Jack, that isn't…" Castiel made a dismissive gesture. "When did you learn how to do all of these things?"
"I didn't get memories from consuming Michael's grace, not exactly. It was more like comprehending all the ways he ever wielded his power. Michael was very old, and had used his grace to do many, many things."
They sat together in companionable silence for a few moments. Castiel was the first to break it.
"When you read my mind… you saw why I can't come back?"
Jack bowed his head. "You have lost your faith in God, and your grace is starting to fade. You couldn't bear to be with Nick, knowing who he is."
"Dean and Mary and, well, Nick all have each other: they have you. After Sam left, I found I couldn't be the only one in the world who knew of Chuck's malevolence."
"That has now changed, Castiel. I know. You are no longer alone."
Castiel shook his head. "Returning with you would leave Sam alone. He has lost everything, Jack. His entire existence was stolen from him and gifted to his bitterest enemy. His family was so warped that they now love the interloper more than him and are unable to see the truth. Chuck made a more perfect hell for Sam back with his family than Lucifer ever managed. That is why I was also sacrificing my dwindling grace to help Sam make paradise here. I wanted to remain steadfast to Sam, who called me brother long before he became an archangel, and who remained steadfast to me even at my very worst. Sam cannot go back home, and I cannot abandon him."
"But I need you, Castiel."
"You are more powerful than an archangel now, Jack. You do not need me."
"I do need you," Jack said, his eyes glistening. "I told you, it has nothing to do with power. You agreed to replace Lucifer as my father even before I was born, when you had every reason in heaven and on earth to choose otherwise. You are my true father, in every way that counts, and I love you. I missed you. I need you." Tears wet Jack's cheeks. "I am less than six hundred days old, Castiel. I need the protection of your goodness, my adopted father, because I am frightened of what I may become if you are not there."
Castiel bowed his head, defeated. "I love you too, Jack, my adopted son. I do want to return, to be with you as you grow, as a father should. But how can I leave Sam?"
"I do not know." Jack cast his eyes around the room as they sat in a very different kind of silence. "Why not take back your grace, Castiel? It is fading, but you would still live longer with it than without. Then we can go back and ask Sam what he thinks. Sam and Gabriel are still with Nick and Dean, in that clearing. Sam is angry with Dean, but he is furious with Nick. I can feel it, even from here."
"How do you feel about Nick, now, Jack?"
"I thought Lucifer was gone forever. I hate him. But Nick… He was the first person who ever spoke to me after I was born. He took an interest in me, and I know he wanted to use me to get Mary back, but that wasn't his only reason. He saw me as a person, who deserved to be treated like one, not a monster that needed to be confined before it could be destroyed. And I understand that was Sam, not Nick but in my memories, Nick's is the face I see. Sam still feels like a stranger where Nick feels… he doesn't feel like Lucifer to me. Apart from you, Nick and Dean and Mary are the closest thing I have to family, and Nick's part in that has nothing to do with him being Lucifer."
"What about when you see him? Will you be able to stand being with him, knowing who he really is?"
Jack looked down. "I don't know. It is another reason I need you, Castiel. Will you take back your grace, and give us more time to figure things out?"
Castiel picked up the vial from the coffee table, looked at Jack and opened the stopper. When the vial was once again empty, Jack held his hand over Castiel's heart where it glowed mixed blue and gold for a moment.
"You replenished my grace," Castiel said, with wonder in his voice.
"We are both at full power now," Jack smiled.
"And your own grace?" Castiel asked.
"It is replenishing too. Michael's grace will not last. In time, my own will take its place. It is better this way, I think, than to have archangel grace lying around in our world."
Castiel nodded. After a moment he said, "I think we should return to the others now." He stood up from the couch and moved towards the back door.
"Castiel?" Jack called after him. Cas turned to Jack. "Can I – may I call you 'dad'?"
Castiel smiled. "I think I would like that."
Jack smiled, too, then opened the back door and they both stepped through.
Are you guys good? Gabriel's voice asked over angel radio as soon as they appeared among the trees just beyond the edge of the clearing.
"Yes," Jack replied simply; at the same time Castiel said, "We are."
Then you need to hang back. These guys are still working things out, they don't need any more distractions.
"We need to speak with Sam," Jack said.
I get that, and I'm sure it'll happen, Gabriel replied, but not yet.
"Perhaps we shouldn't listen in?" Jack wondered out loud.
And miss out on all the fun? Gabriel's voice sounded amused.
"I would not describe it as 'fun' when Sam and Dean fight," Castiel confided in Jack, "but Gabriel is right. We do need to hear what is happening."
There was not enough of Lucifer left in Nick to bear this. The pain he had put Dean and Jack through back on their own world had brought him to the brink of confessing, but the distress he was causing simply by being here, on this world, in the place that was rightfully Sam's, had finally dragged the confession from his lips. Because he did love all of them: Jack and Cas, and especially Sam and Dean, and he could no longer be the reason they were kept apart.
He wished he didn't have to do this, but he knew he would never have peace again unless he did. However this ended, if Sam did wipe their minds and send them back through the rift, Nick needed to say it.
"I am Lucifer," he said again. "God—Chuck—switched my place with Sam to punish him. I took most of Jack's grace, and I would have taken it all but then we were switched. I got a whole new life history and became Nick Winchester and Sam – Sam became an archangel."
Dean gaped at him, his eyes searching for the lie. He was incredulous at first, and then he looked deeper and seemed to see the truth.
"You're Lucifer?"
Nick bowed his head. "I am."
"And who are you, Sam?"
"I'm your brother," Sam said, voice choked. "I am the one that lived through all the things you remember Nick living through. There were never three brothers; there were just the two of us. Chuck decided his punishment wasn't done when you killed me, so he brought me back as the middle brother with a bullshit history. It was only ever the two of us."
Dean drew a shuddering breath. "So all this time, Nicky's been…" He looked at Nick. "You're Lucifer?"
Nick nodded. "Yes. I didn't know for a long time. My memories are part of the new reality that Chuck created. Until Magnus attacked me, I thought I was your brother. Afterwards Sam saved me, made sure I woke up as Nick, but he couldn't wipe those other memories, maybe because I was an archangel, once. I remembered who I really was."
"You remembered? And you said nothing!" Sam shouted. "You let me suffer."
"I did," Nick said, his hands clenched into fists. "Because I couldn't lose the life I had with the family I loved." He fixed his eyes on Dean. "I feel like Nick, Dean. I love you. You're my brother in all the ways that matter."
Dean stared at him, eyes wet. "But you're not?"
"I'm not," Nick agreed.
Dean closed his eyes, and tears spilled down his cheeks. "I don't know what to say. Sammy, I'm sorry, but I…"
"You still love him," Sam said bitterly. "I know. Chuck made sure you would. It doesn't matter."
"Except, it does," Gabriel said, voice harsh. "It's not all your fault, Dean, I know, but you dropped the ball on this. You chose Nick over Sam, made your real brother feel he had no choice but to sacrifice himself to save the fake brother you loved."
"I love Sam!" Dean said defensively.
"Not enough," Gabriel said.
Dean wiped a hand over his face, smearing the tears. "What the hell am I supposed to do with this? If Nick's not my brother, but I still feel like he is, how do I fix it?"
"Do you want to?" Gabriel asked.
"No," Sam cut across. "He doesn't, and he can't. He's going back to that world, and he's not going to remember this." He looked across the clearing to addressed Jack: even if he hadn't heard their brief conversation with Gabriel earlier, he had felt it the moment Jack returned. "I'm not wiping it from you, Jack—I don't think I can—so you've got to go back with them and never bring them back here, understand?"
Jack looked uncertain but said nothing, and Sam took it as approval, or at least acquiescence.
Nick felt a swell of hope that it could work and he'd be able to keep his life with Dean, Mary, and Jack. It didn't last, though. There was not enough Lucifer left in him to allow that to happen. Nick knew, now, that he loved his family more than he loved the idea of his own happy life. Dean would not have peace without Sam.
"You can't," he said. "You don't want to do this, Sam."
Sam snorted. "Of course I don't! I want my family back! But they're yours now, not mine!"
Nick felt a wash of shame as he knew Sam was right, and he wanted him to be right. The two halves of himself had battled to a standstill. He wanted to take Sam's place and stay as Nick with the family that loved him, and yet he couldn't live with himself if he didn't do the right thing by the brothers he loved.
Sam and Dean should be together. Nick should not be with them.
"Well, Luci, this is quite the dilemma," Gabriel said. "What are you going to do?"
"What can I do, Gabriel?" Nick implored. "Help me."
Gabriel tilted his head to the side. "Hmm, yeah, becoming Nick Winchester really did make you into a different person. Well, I can't do anything, and you can't do anything, so I think we need to ask dear old dad for help." He raised his voice. "I know you're watching, Pop, so come fix this mess."
Nick looked around the clearing, seeing Castiel's anger, Dean's confusion, Sam's devastation, Jack's unease, and Gabriel's smugness. Then there was a seventh presence, and Chuck said, "Okay, Lucifer, I will say this once and only once—what the hell are you thinking?"
Nick drew a deep breath, swallowed down his doubts, and said, "I need you to make things right.
So… We're almost there now. We've got one more full chapter and then the epilogue. With MaggieMay's additions, I think we've got an ending worthy of this adventure of a story.
Until next time…
Jadey xxx