Yukina

Chapter 8: Her Name

It's snowing again.

It snows a lot around here. I guess it has something to do with the temple being on a sort of mountainous terrain.

I've been training with Kurama these past few months. They all try to keep me busy. That way, I won't have any time to stop and think.

To stop and remember.

I relearned all the things they wanted me to. I was in a coma for a few months—enough to get them all scared that I was asleep for good. I know how to run and jump and fight and tell everyone apart. I know about all the things we have ever been through together. And they think I don't notice that there are pieces missing.

I know there are missing pieces. I know because when they tell me a story sometimes the fool or Yusuke will start to say something and then someone will kick them and mutter a 'shut up.' Then they'll get this sad expression on their face, say 'nevermind,' and move on.

And whenever I ask Kurama what's missing, he won't tell me. All he'll say is that some things aren't worth knowing.

Even though I think they are.

I think they are because every time I look into a mirror I see a face that's not my own. It's only there for a moment, but it's there all the same. It's haunting, how sometimes she'll be happy and sometimes she won't. Sometimes one of her eyes will be split open and bleeding, tears trickling down her cheek from the other eye.

But the worst part of all...is I don't know who she is.

I've not seen her around anywhere. No one says her name. They've mentioned unfamiliar names to me, but the names have always been accompanied by explanations. None of the faceless people have fit her description. Yet.

None of them are the ghost that wanders through my dreams and my waking hours.

I feel like it should be obvious. It should be staring me right in the face. The answer should beright in front of me.

But it isn't.

It is like an impenetrable wall. Like a glass I can see her through but never touch.

And my mind wants me to know. It tries to help me, it tries to let me see her in my dreams. It tries to tell me, through the other side of the mirror. The side with the child that is me trapped in it, screaming and pounding on the glass to get out.

And I want to let him out.

I want to free him so his voice can tell me what I so want to remember.

"Hey, Hiei," a voice thick with lassitude says from behind me, effectively cutting off my train of thought. It's Yusuke, and he probably just got up. He's been here for the past week, starting another six-month-long training session with Genkai.

"Hn," I mutter. It's a habit that I've always had, or so I've been told. I say little.

"What's up?" He sits down beside me, one leg dangling off the porch I have been sitting on for the past hour. He yawns, stretching his arms above his head, and leans over, dropping his hands unceremoniously into his lap. He looks like a gorilla.

A thought occurs. Yusuke is far more likely than Kurama to tell me what is missing. He is not completely stupid, like the oaf, so he would get all the facts straight, but he is absent-minded enough in his drugged, half-awake state to tell me anything I want to know without realizing it. He's harder to get at than Kurama is, usually, since the youko is always dropping in to 'check up' on me. But while he's here, why not...

"I was thinking." I have to be blunt. If I twist around everything I say he'll get confused, then suspicious, and then clam up and refuse to talk.

"Yeah?" Another yawn. Up go the arms.

"There's this girl I used to know. I don't know what happened to her though." That's good start. Pretty general, it probably sounds like I am just—as unlikely as it would seem were Yusuke fully awake—making conversation.

"Really? What was her name?" He is rubbing his right eye. He is waking up.

"I can't remember. She was very pretty. She had red eyes, like mine, and long blue-green hair. She couldn't cry real tears, either." I only know that last part because whenever I see her crying, the tears roll down her cheeks and transform into beautiful, round jewels which hit the floor with a soundless 'clack.'

"Oh." Another yawn. A pause. "I know who you're talkin' 'bout." He rubs the sleep out of the other eye now. I only have a few more minutes before he's awake enough to realize that he is on the verge of telling me something I have been left in the dark about since I begun my life anew.

"What was her name?" I can't sound too eager, but it's so hard. Keep pretty much on the only casually interested, offhand side.

"It was..." I can't help myself. I lean closer to the boy, not wanting to miss the name that could bring everything rushing back.

"Yuki—" But then Yusuke's eyes go wide. So wide that the whites are showing.

"What?" I practically snap. So close!

"Oh go— Forget it! Forget I ever said that!" He practically vaults away from me, low to the ground, skidding down the hall. I can hear the irregular thumps of his socked feet on the slippery floorboards—Kurama and I had to wax them yesterday.

I sigh, and gaze out at the falling snow. So close…so close. I shouldn't have leaned in. But I couldn't help it! I was afraid he'd slur his words or something, and then the chance would slip away from me...just like it did anyway.

The snow is falling in big, powdery puffs that are sticking.

I sigh and slump over.

The snow...

Wait.

I sit up.

Snow...

Yuki...

And I can see her. She is standing by the trees with her back to me.

Then she turns around, happy.

And she winks.

And the mirror shatters. The little boy falls out, screaming and screaming and screaming and bleeding and yelling a name at me in his forlorn, childlike voice.

YUKINAAAAAAAAAA!

I freeze. A million images burst into my mind, making me stagger backward and fall into the snow. When did I even get up...?

Yukina playing with birds.

Yukina looking sad, flanked by two cruel-looking men.

Yukina grabbing my arm to stop me from killing someone.

Yukina handing me a beautiful, round gem.

Yukina looking over her shoulder to smile at me.

Yukina scared, as a monstrous thing grabs her and hauls her into the woods, cackling insanely.

Yukina crying and bleeding, staring at me and hoping I can save her as she falls towards a sea of white frothy foam.

One of her eyes is gone, split wide open.

Hoping I can save her…

Yukina...

My...my...

"An eye for an eye...and a sister...for a sister..."

The thing cackles. Evil laughter fills the crevices of my skull, pounding in my eardrums and making my blood run cold.

My sister.

"NO! NONONONOOOOO!"

I clutch madly at my hair, my eyes, my neck, tears streaming from my eyes to fall into the snow with soft, unsatisfying thumps as they turn into jewels.

If only I could have once cried, I would have seen who she was in an instant...

I failed my sister. I couldn't rescue her when it mattered most. I couldn't save her.

I stood by until it was too late to catch her.

I let my sister die.

I let her die.

I stand up—still screaming—grabbing at my upper arms, ripping at the cloth and drawing blood from my abused arms.

YUKINA!

I run full-tilt to nowhere, and even though my heart has forgotten, my legs remember where to go.