Notes: Another angsty chapter ahead and boy is this one a doozy. Blame Garden of Avalon (IT HAS FINALLY BEEN TRANSLATED Y'ALL) because it won't let me rest until I get the ideas written. Again, I am sorry (not sorry) that this is not the fun *squee* chapter I keep mentioning, but I just can't stop lol. To reflect the lack of planning I had for this one, it's a sudden shift to 1st POV and it's written like a GOA entry. I was wondering if I should have uploaded it separately but decided not to.

Guinevere Pendragon

You want to know if I've seen the Grail before?

Honestly, it... It brings back memories I'd rather forget.

People say King Arthur sent knights for the Holy Grail because he wanted his wish granted.

Well, they were right.

But it's not as selfish as they make it sound.

In all our years together, it was the first time I saw my husband frantic, desperately searching for a solution that can save our son.

Yes - the king who faced the will of Britain, her own flesh and blood, the vile king Vortigern, with a smile on her face - was petrified.

Merlin, the court mage who could create miracles on a whim, was nowhere to be found.

And so Percival, Galahad, and the rest were sent out on an expedition to find the golden cup that could cure all ails.

I don't remember if they ever found it.

But what your books paint as a lovely adventure was in fact a race against time for the future of Camelot.

What was I doing in the meantime, you ask? Well, I did the best I could.

I did what I could.

In the morning, I held court and heard our people's pleas. In the afternoon, I handled administration with the castle knights. And in the evening? I stayed by my sick son's side until the sun rose.

Speaking of which, they never mention Loholt do they?

There's a good reason for that. But it's a story for another time.

Camelot was fraying at the edges.

And the Saxons, smelling blood, were circling their prey.

"Gwen. We don't have much time left," Arturia said one night, papers piled high around her tired form leaning on the desk.

I looked up then and asked what she meant.

We were running out of time. So much time on too many things. It took all I had to smile in court and present our people with assurance that I didn't feel.

Needless to say, I wasn't putting up the mask with just the two of us.

The king placed the piece of paper down in front of her and stared at it for a moment. Hesitating.

"Scouts have reported Saxons on the horizon. We must prepare a force-"

"You can't be thinking of going out there!"

I must have been livid. It has been a long time, a long time since we've done anything but politely smile at each other as propriety demands, but I am at my limit and I cannot -

I will not -

"I have no choice," the king says, a hand reaching out for mine. As if her stubborn self will even entertain a plan that involves anything else but self-sacrifice.

I must have been shaking. She grabs my hand.

"With half of the Round searching for the Holy Grail... I... we don't have enough men to repel them."

As always, her calculations are ruthless. Logical. Correct. I have seen the same reports and the numbers against us. The foreigners will overrun us without divine intervention.

And what is Excalibur and its invincible wielder, if not heaven-sent?

I tear my hand out of her grasp and shake my head. "Loholt..."

Arturia smiles the smile that I've never liked seeing on her face. One reserved just for me. A sad one that says, I am sorry.

"You don't have to worry, " She says, straightening her back. "Pendragons don't die easily. I will be back, Gwen. Just like all the times before.

"And Loholt will get better, after all, he is my son. And you haven't seen me sick for long, have you?"

I want to believe the words that come out of her mouth. And yet I hear the tremors in her voice that I don't think she knows are there.

So I summon the queenly mask and smile. "I hope you're right, my lord. We shall prepare for your departure on the morrow."

As I stand and leave the room, I can't help but wonder just how much of our marriage really is a lie.

"Gwen, are you awake?"

Was I dreaming?

I couldn't believe Arturia would visit. Not after the way we've left things.

After all, it's been months since we've last shared a bed. The king must have considered his duty fulfilled with an heir born.

Though, I suppose things were rocky between us even before then.

I like to think we could have resolved our relationship somehow, but it's hard to talk with a person who's never there.

The bed shifted and I absentmindedly realized that I was sleeping on one side all this time.

But I must have imagined it.

"It can't be easy to bear with me, Gwen. Hah, I don't know how you've done it for so long. But...

Thank you.

I wouldn't know how to do this without you."

As far as dreams go...

Yes. I think that was a wonderful dream.

Notes: So... In GOA, both Gwen and King Arthur say their marriage is *temporary and fake*, but there's also tons of text that supports the contrary like Gwen crying all day when she runs away with Lancelot and Arturia (who as we all know is emotionally constipated) considering their wedding to be a "happy" moment in Hollow Ataraxia. Of course, it's also canon that they were best friends but haha I am not satisfied with that, hence the creation of this fic. But seriously, if you guys like this ship as much as I do, then you gotta read Garden of Avalon. It is depressing in the best way.