Disclaimer: I bow before Miss Cam in humble gratitude, unworthy of kissing the ground she walks upon for letting me do this fic. I own nothing.
A/N: This is the second draft. I fixed up some mistakes that people pointed out to me. Cornflake is now Cornflakes, and the mini-belrog is now a mini-balrog. I hope that the cat and the mini-balrog are not too traumatized by the mistake.
The Labyrinth Academy
by Fou Fou
Rule Number Two: Never act on your lusting impulses, or the 'Helping' Hands will get you.
A week had passed since the hallucination brought on by nachos. Or, at least Ami was assuming that it was a hallucination, since the mysterious folder had disappeared from beside her bedside where she was sure she had put it. She had looked everywhere for it, but alas, it was gone. So she went back to her normal routine, with only a regretful sigh at the thought of the Labyrinth Fanfiction Guild.
She awoke that morning, knowing it was a Monday, and she was not in her own bed. In fact, she wasn't lying in anything that even felt like a bed. What did I do last night? I don't think I got drunk . . .
"I think that one is waking up," came a voice from somewhere to her right. She peeked open her eyes. She was staring right into the face of what looked like a goblin.
"AHH!" she cried, jumping up and away from the creature.
"It's ok!" said the goblin horridly, waving its hands. "My name is . . . Ledderlegs!"
"Ledderlegs?" asked Ami.
Ledderlegs shrugged. "That's what I put on my form. You know, for the Labyrinth Fanfiction Guild? I guess whatever you put down becomes your name. Didn't you fill out one?"
"Yeah . . but I thought it was a dream," said Ami.
"So did I," said a girl some years younger than Ami who came over to them. "I'm Sarah, by the way. Not the Sarah in the movie, of course."
"I'm Ami," replied Ami. "So, Ledderlegs, are you normally a goblin?"
"Of course not. I put goblin down on the sheet as a joke, because I thought it would be fun chasing chickens and lying underneath the tap of the ale barrel like that one did in the movie."
Ami took a moment to look around her a bit. She was outside, that much was certain. It was a sort of wasteland, with a few shrubs and bushes here and there, but mostly dirt. Not the best of places. Here and there, people were either sleeping or looking around, in much of the confused manner she was. As she looked to the horizon, she bit back a cry. "That's the Labyrinth!"
"It would appear so," said Ledderlegs.
God, I must be really drunk or something. That or I took some really trippy drugs last night. I don't think even cheese could make a hallucination THIS weird . . .
"My only question is where is Jareth?" asked someone else, coming up to them. It was hard to describe exactly what she was. She looked human, and about Ami's age, except she seemed to be made up of water. At that moment, it was muddy water; the same color of the dirt around them.
"I'm not sure . . ." said Ami. Her heart skipped a beat. Even if this was only a dream, if she was in the Labyrinth, Jareth might actually be here! And they would fall in love, and she could be his queen! And they'd live happily ever after! She sighed, blissfully.
"So what did you put down for your species?" asked Ledderlegs, looking at the newcomer. "And who are you?"
"I'm Koke. I put down River Nymph as a joke. This isn't exactly what I imagined a River Nymph looking like though . . ."
"No kidding," said Sarah (not Williams). "I'm glad I didn't put down a different species on my list now."
"So, do you think this is just one mass hallucination we are all having? I take it you all signed up to be in the Labyrinth Fanfiction Guild?" asked Koke.
"Yeah, but this sure as hell doesn't look like LA," said Ami. "That's where it said we would go . . ."
"They did mean LA, as in Los Angeles, right?" asked Sarah.
"I thought they did . . ." said Ledderlegs.
Suddenly, Koke froze (as she turned completely into ice for a moment), a worried expression on her face.
"What is it, Koke?" asked Ami.
"I think I know where we are . . . well, sorta," said Koke, turning back into water to tell them. "Have any of you heard of OFUM?"
"Didn't they ask that on our forms?" asked Ledderlegs.
Sarah suddenly had a worried expression on her face. "Oh my . . . I read about one of the affiliates once, but I didn't pay much attention to it . . . Oh my God!"
"What is it guys?" asked Ami.
Koke opened her watery mouth to answer, just when someone whistled loudly. Everyone turned towards the direction of the sound, and saw a woman in the center of the crowd. She was holding a microphone and used it to address everyone. "Good morning, students," she said, a slight smirk playing across her face.
"Students?" whispered Ami to Koke. "I already finished college!"
"Who are you?" demanded a girl near the group Ami was with.
"I am Director Fou," the woman said. "And welcome to the Labyrinth Academy!"
"Oh God, no . . ." muttered Koke.
"I thought we were suppose to be a part of the Labyrinth Fanfiction Guild!" asked the same girl.
Director Fou laughed. "Sorry, that was a bit of a fib on our part, Miss . . .?"
"Celeste."
"Celeste. If you graduate from our school, then you'll be able to join the Labyrinth Fanfiction Guild, but if not . . . you'll be forbidden from writing Labyrinth Fanfiction again."
The crowd of fanfiction writers began grumbling angrily to each other. "Why can't we?" demanded another voice.
"You see, you've all written what we consider to be 'Bad Fics,'" explained Director Fou. "And the purpose of coming here is to lead you from the dark world you are all in consisting of bad grammar, ignoring the Cannon set forth by the movie, and creations of Mary Sues."
"Bad Fic?" asked Ami. "I'll have you know I write very good fiction! You said so yourself in your letter!"
"I did?" asked Director Fou. "Oops!" She didn't look like she meant it though. "Now, if you will all come this way, I'll lead you to the dorms. And please don't get lost." She turned around, and began walking off away from the Labyrinth. Everyone, for one reason of another began to follow her. Mostly because she seemed to know where she was going.
"It this what you were thinking of?" asked Ami to Koke as they walked along (or in Koke's case, sort of flowed along, collecting bits of ground with her as she went along).
Koke nodded. "I read about OFUM once. I didn't think of it much, since the letter said something about a Guild, and didn't say anything about me writing bad fanfiction. I never suspected that we could be going to a Labyrinth Academy. . ."
"What is OFUM?" asked Ami.
"Awful," said a girl coming up to them. "I'm Becky by the way. I went to OFUM." Walking beside her was what looked like a miniature Balrog from Lord of the Rings. "We're talking pain here. Lot's of pain. Oodles of it."
Koke tried put a condoling hand on Becky, but pulled her hand away when she realized she was soaking Becky's shoulder. "I'm sorry."
"And here I was thinking OFUM was some sort of secret society," said a girl who was listening to them. "I'm Sophia."
"Nope, it's an academy meant to make us all better fanfiction writers," said Koke. "On the plus side, we should be seeing Jareth . . ."
This earned a collective sigh from most of the girls nearby, including Ami. I'll be able to meet Jareth, and we're going to fall in love and live happily ever after . . .
She spent the rest of the walk having yummy Jareth thoughts.
Meanwhile, back at HQ, a very angry Ari (Student Relations/ PR Person of Labyrinth Academy) was venting to Jareth (King of the Goblins), with Sarah (Williams), Mr. Smith (Secret Agent Man), and Meagan (Queen of Grammar) acting as mediator. Sort of.
"What the hell is your problem, Jareth? Why did you have to lock me in an oubliette? I've gotten so far behind schedule . . ."
"Not to mention I had to take over her duties," said Mr. Smith, grumpily.
"You've got to understand, Ari," said Jareth patiently, "I am king here, and I cannot put up with insubordination. Your lack of respect towards myself warrants a trip to the oubliette."
"Still, Jareth, you can't take out stuff like this on staff members. The new students arrive today . . ." said Meagan.
"Actually, they just arrived," said Sarah (Williams) with a shudder. "Director Fou is taking them to the dorms now."
". . . and we need all our staff here to keep that wild mob of hormones under control," continued Meagan. "We have the opening presentation in less than an hour we have to prepare for . . ."
Jareth waved his hand in a condescending manner before he disappeared to wherever.
Ari rolled her eyes. "I give up."
Suddenly, Sarah (Williams) smiled quite evilly. "I have an idea," she said suddenly. "Jareth doesn't know about the power of female lust yet does he?"
"He doesn't," said Meagan, smiling as well. "He doesn't yet understand the need for the Roaming Helping Hands of Security. Thinks we're overreacting."
"Tell me you're not planning what I think you're planning," asked Mr. Smith in a pained voice.
"All you need to do is make sure the hands wait a moment before they do their job," said Sarah (Williams). "You know, when the girls first notice Jareth."
Ari smiled. "Please, Mr. Smith?"
"This one time," he said, holding up one finger to emphasize his answer. Sighing he said, "Jareth is going to kill me."
"After this, Jareth is going to find that you're job is so important that he can't even imagine killing you," said Sarah.
Ami could barely see the Labyrinth anymore when the group of fanfiction writers came up to a strange looking building, somewhat like the Goblin caste. Why it was out here, in the middle of nowhere puzzled Ami. Somehow, Director Fou must have sensed her confusion for she announced to everyone on her microphone (which didn't seem to be connected to any speakers, yet seemed to work anywhere) that this was the Labyrinth Academy. She then led them through the main doors and down several hallways that led to an area that looked like the dorms back at Ami's college.
"Find the room with your name on it. Our Head of Student Relations organized everything last night. Some of you might have already met her since she was the one who was supposed to give you your letters, until she had an . . . unpleasant . . . run in with His Majesty," said Director Fou. "She did, however, try to match you with people around your own age in the limited time she had. Oh, and be back out here in about ten minutes or so, for the opening ceremony."
With that, she walked off down the hallway, to someplace unknown.
Ami sighed, and joined the mass of fanfiction writers to go look for her room. Luckily, she didn't have to go that far, her room was the second one on the right.
"Hey, we have a room together!" said Koke as she sloshed her way into the room. "I'm assuming one of the beds is yours. I guess I have the kiddy pool. Is that even a color?" she asked, examining its color.
Ami looked at it, and winced. "I'm not sure," she said, shading her eyes away. "It's not one I've ever seen before . . . nor do I ever want to agin."
"Hey you two!" said Ledderlegs, her goblin self waddling into the room. She flinched when she saw the kiddy pool. "What color is that?"
"We're not sure," said Ami.
"It should be made illegal," commented Ledderlegs. Turning to Ami to avoid looking at it, she asked, "Which bed do you want?"
"I don't care," said Ami. "They both look the same."
"Ok, then I get this one," said Ledderlegs, going to the bed near the window. It was then that she noticed the guitar. "Hey! My guitar is here!" She looked at her small, goblin self. "It's going to be sort of difficult to play."
"Is that what you put down on the form as your favorite thing?" asked Ami, worriedly. Would everyone really see her Beauty and the Beast clock? It was so embarrassing, being childish and all. Why did she ever put that down?
"Yeah," said Ledderlegs. "Did you get your stuff?"
"I put down my cats," said Koke. "I haven't seen them yet . . . oh, there they are," she said, noticing the cats sleeping on top of her bureau.
"Meow," said one opening its eye.
"Hey, Cornflakes," said Koke, going to pet the cat. The instant her wet hand touched it, however, it screeched angrily, and tore out of the room. The two other cats soon followed.
"Guess they don't like water," said Ami.
Koke looked sadly at her hands. "I guess not."
"So what did you bring?" asked Ledderlegs.
Ami looked hesitatingly at the wall above her bed. Sure enough, the clock was there. "That," she said pointing.
Ledderlegs came over and looked at it. "I love that movie."
"Best Disney movie made, hands down," commented Koke.
"My parents gave it to me when I was ten," said Ami.
"Cool."
Awkward pause.
"So, what are we doing about the clothes situation?" asked Ledderlegs. "I mean, I may be a goblin, but I think I would like to change once in a while. I fully embrace good hygiene and all that jazz."
Ami looked in her bureau. "Oh God no . . . "
"What is it?" asked Ledderlegs, worriedly.
Ami pulled the clothing out of the drawers. "Uniforms," she said. "And they're the same color as the kiddy pool."
Their anguished cries could be heard all the way to the Castle Beyond the Goblin City.
"Are we ready for the presentation?" asked Director Fou as she came into the auditorium of LA. Various characters from the Labyrinth were milling around.
"Yeah," called Hoggle from where he was having a 'disagreement' with a fairy. "As ready as we can be, considering."
"And the hands?"
"In position," said Meagan, coming up to her.
"Though there is something you should know," said Sarah (Williams).
"What?" asked Director Fou worriedly. "They haven't felt up any of the staff members, have they?"
Sarah (Williams) shook her head. "No, but there may be a slight delay when the girls notice Jareth."
"Really?" asked Director Fou, eyebrow raised. "This wouldn't have anything to do with Ari would it."
"If it helps, it was my idea," said Sarah (Williams).
"What going on?" asked Hoggle, looking interested as he came over.
"Oh, Jareth is just going to get a nice little welcome from all his fangirls, that's all," said Meagan.
Hoggle chuckled.
"Now you know, our purpose here at LA is to punish the students, not the staff . . ." she looked at the pleading face of Sarah. "However, I think this one time we can make an exception. I take it Mr. Smith knows?"
"Yeah. Muttering about how Jareth will lock him in an oubliette, but he knows," said Meagan.
"Did I hear my name?" asked Jareth waltzing onto the stage. He peered at the group of conspirators suspiciously. "Do I want to know what you are up to?"
"Probably not," said Director Fou.
"You see, we just tallied up the polls from the fanfiction writers, and it would seem that I, Hoggle the Dwarf, was voted more popular than you, Jareth," said Hoggle proudly. "Everyone thinks you're a . . . . what was that word they used . . . ah yes, preck!"
"I think the word you're thinking of is 'prick,' Hogbrain," said Jareth. "Is this true?" he demanded angrily to Director Fou, pointing a finger at her as if to cast a curse on her if she answered wrongly. She glanced at Sarah (Williams) and Meagan for help, but they just inched away from her. When Jareth was mad, it was good to stay out of his way. Sarah's own experience with the Cleaners could more than support that general law.
"Um, no?" said Director Fou weakly.
"Good," said Jareth. "Because if they did . . ."
"But they did vote me a better friend then you. Everyone just wanted you in their bed," said Hoggle.
"I am better looking than you," said Jareth. "Who would want to have a repulsive little scab like you in bed? I still can't believe Sarah even kissed you!"
"And didn't kiss you, despite how good you may think you look!" added Hoggle.
"Can we please take my actions out of the equation?" asked Sarah (Williams).
"Well, there are more Jareth fics than there are Hoggle fics!"
"I'm in the movie longer!"
"Well, I have longer lasting impression!"
"I helped Sarah defeat you!"
"And yet you poisoned her !"
"Actually, you did . . . if I may recall, you were the one to give her the peach!"
"Hey, guys!" yelled Ari, head peeking in through the back of the auditorium. "I've got the students here, are we ready to go?"
Jareth and Hoggle shared a look of mutual loathing towards each other before stomping off to opposite ends of the room. Director Fou sighed. "It would appear so. Bring them in."
Ami looked around the auditorium, bad memories of similar assemblies racing through her mind. That odious Director Fou was standing on stage next to some other woman and . . . her.
The epitome of evil. Ami could feel her vision start to go red as she stared at Sarah Williams. The nerve of someone like that being here. (It completely slipped her mind that since Sarah Williams was in The Labyrinth, and a main character at that, she'd have to be in the Labyrinth Academy).
"Oh my God, it's Jareth!" cried a girl off to her left, pointing somewhere to the side of the stage. Ami strained to look, and low and behold, there stood Jareth in all his Goblin King glory. Ami's heart took flight on the wings of a dove. Or hormones.
Suddenly, the mob of fangirls (Ami included) massed towards him, screeching in high voices, "I love you Jareth!"
Jareth had a moment of pure fright before he was surrounded. Ami shoved her way through, and was able to grab his arm before something grabbed her and pulled her up into the air. Turning her head, she saw several hands grabbing a hold of her, apparently connected to nothing.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" she cried. All around her, the other girls were experiencing removal from Jareth. Somewhere below her, she saw Becky standing back as she watched her balrog join in the mob to help drag fangirls away from the crowd. Becky simply shook her head sadly and went to sit down. Another girl with a t-shirt that said "Erik Rules. Long Live The Phantom!" was running around with a boot in her hand, with an evil half-smile, while a friend of hers (or so Ami assumed) laughed beside her. And on stage, Miss Ari, Director Fou, that other lady, and HER, was laughing.
It was then that Ami was dropped into a seat in the back of the auditorium. The knobby, gross, green hands that were holding her floated in front of her and formed a face. "We're Hoggel. H-O-G-G-E-L. Please remember that being a lusting fangirl in evil and deserves punishment. Next time we see you trying to manhandle Jareth, you'll be sorry." They gave her a lewd look (if hand faces can give lewd looks). "Or maybe you won't." The hands winked at her disassembling themselves and floated off to capture another rabid fangirl.
Oh God, I just got propositioned by a set of hands, thought Ami. And I thought my relationships on Earth were weird . . . still, I should probably stay here, and wait to ensnare Jareth some other time. Preferably when not all these other rivals for Jareth's attentions are here.
"Now if you're all settled," said Director Fou into the microphone, looking around and the students, "The welcome ceremony can now begin. I believe you have all discovered Rule Number Two: Never act on your lusting impulses, or the 'Helping' Hands will get you."
"But I thought they were suppose to be in the pit thing Sarah fell into," came a voice from the crowd, the girl wearing the "Erik Rules. Long Live The Phantom!" shirt.
Director Fou sighed. "The originals are . . Miss . . .?"
"Veritas."
". . .Veritas. You see, you careless fanfiction writers fail to spell check, and these roaming Helping Hands are what result. A cluster of helping hands spawn from misspelling a name. For example we of Hoggel (H-O-G-G-E-L) here . . . you'll notice he has more hands than the others, because Hoggle tends to be misspelled a lot," she gestured to the set of six hands floating by her who formed a face and leered at the students. "And Jereth (J-E-R-E-T-H) over there is guarding His Majesty. And we have a whole lot more here then that, so if they catch you breaking the rules, they'll make sure you suffer the consequences."
Hoggel's hand-made face smiled evilly and chuckled. Ami felt herself going cold with fear.
"Also, I would like you to know, that no one is allowed into the staff area of the school, if you can find it. I don't care how much you think you are Jareth's one true love and how bad you think he needs you, it's not happening. If you enter the staff area, the Helping Hands will come for you," continued Director Fou. "If you have a problem with the Helping Hands, you can try Mr. Smith, our Head of Security here, but I doubt he'll listen to you."
Ami looked towards the mysterious Mr. Smith, who was standing near Jareth like some sort of bodyguard near the Jereth cluster of hands. He face was calculatedly cool, still dressed in the same black suit he wore when he arrived he gave her the form. Ami briefly wondered if he was ever part of the Secret Service. I wouldn't be surprised if he was hiding a gun somewhere under that jacket.
"While most of the staff members are from the movie itself, there are a few others I would wish to meet. On my right here is Miss Ari, who you should know as our Student Relations/Events Coordinator. And to my left is Miss Meagan, our very own Queen of Grammar. Mary Sue will also be helping out, but she couldn't make it to the opening ceremony since she's helping out a new acquisition in the Labyrinth Mary Sues section of the Academy here. The poor girl is suffering right now from having the combined parentage of a Nymph, some sort of Fae, a Fairy, and a Dragon.
What did I have Mariana Suana's family lines be again? thought Ami worriedly to herself.
"Finally, you all must pass all the classes here at LA if you ever wish to write Labyrinth Fanfiction again. For this semester you'll have The 80s 101 (Also known as why Sarah Williams should not be listening to a CD player right after she returns from the Labyrinth) taught by Sarah Willaims, Grammar and Me 101, taught by Miss Meagan, How To Rule The Goblins 101 (And why they can't just take care of themselves) taught by His Majesty Jareth, Hopeless In Love 101 (Covering the flaws Jareth and Sarah parings) and finally, Faces From The Labyrinth 101 (And why they are not the Muppets), taught by a number of members of the LA staff, with Hoggle heading the class. Now if there are any questions?"
She looked around the room. The girl next to Veritas raised her hand. "Yes Miss . . ."
"Leny. I was wondering, what else do we have to do when we're not in class?"
Director Fou smiled. "Oh, you'll have plenty of homework to occupy yourselves with, rest assured. Though Ari has arranged for some social get-togethers if you all behave. For example, I do believe we have a Welcome party tonight before we start classes tomorrow?" she said, looking at Ari.
Ari nodded. "Yes, attendance will by mandatory. This is a time for everyone to get to know each other. Socialize. Gossip. Whatever, we really don't care."
"Just no obvious lusting," added Director Fou.
"Not that we'll mind," said Hoggel, smiling. "Us Roaming Helping Hands, that is,"
Director Fou shot a glance at Hoggel uneasily, before turning back to the students. "If that is all, you may return to your rooms to get ready for tonight's party. Lunch will be in three hours. Also, for those of you who wish to get a head start on your classes, your textbooks should be in your rooms now, if the goblins followed their directions correctly. Please remember that during school hours, uniforms are a must." She looked around, before smiling in what she must have assumed was a reassuring and welcoming manner. "Welcome to the Labyrinth Academy boys and girls. We hope you'll find it educating and learn to tread on the path of the Good Fic."
Ami shuddered. Oh Lord, what did I get myself into?
Author's Note:
Thank you Megs, my beta.
Thank you all who reviewed, and those who have joined the ranks of the academy. We still have room for students here at Labyrinth Academy, so feel free to send me an e-mail. A link is in my bio.
Also, if you can think of any common misspellings of characters, let me know. The Roaming Helping Hands need names.
Also, do not sign up for the Academy via reviews. has a policy about interactive stories. Pleaseuse the link provided in my bio, orfollow thedirections given in chapter one. Thank you!
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