Disclaimer: I bow before Miss Cam in humble gratitude, unworthy of kissing the ground she walks upon for letting me do this fic. I also bow before Jim Henson (Director), George Lucus (Executive Producer), and all those other people involved with the making of The Labyrinth movie. I own nothing.
The Labyrinth Academy
by Fou Fou
Rule Number Three: God created proper pronoun usage for a reason; so use it.
"That was entirely uncalled for," said Jareth after the students had left the auditorium.
"What was entirely uncalled for?" asked Sarah (Williams) innocently. "You'll have to be more specific than that."
Jareth rolled his eyes. "You all know very well what I'm talking about."
Miss Ari opened her eyes really wide, trying to seem as guiltless as possible. "No, not at all."
"You had those fan girls molest me! Me, the King of the Goblins! Lord of the Underground!"
"Being Lord of the Underground isn't in the movie. That a fanfiction speculation," muttered Director Fou.
"And the Hands didn't do anything about it!" continued Jareth, ignoring her.
"Mr. Smith told us to!" argued 'Loodo,' a set of Roaming Helping Hands, before he was swatted by 'Hoggel.'
"MR. SMITH?" cried Jareth, focusing his kingly wrath on the Head of Security. "I'll have you sent to the oubliette for this! You will be sent to the Bog of Eternal Stench! For Eternity!"
Mr. Smith's eyes widened a bit, but did his best to remain unfazed. "Sir, if you send me there, then no one will control the Roaming Helping hands."
"He is right, you know," said Miss Meagan hurriedly, trying her best to patch up the situation. "Mr. Smith is the one who can exert the most control over them. They don't always listen to us."
"Is it just me, or did anyone notice those horrendous outfits the students were wearing?" asked Hoggle quickly, trying to defuse the situation.
"Color baaaaad," agreed Ludo.
Miss Ari shuddered. "I told them to change into their uniforms when I saw them all still in their PJs. I didn't think they would be THAT color. Ugh . . . pinlue . . . I thought we were able to get rid of that color!"
"Weren't you in charge of uniforms?" asked Director Fou. "I told the students to wear the uniforms in a fit of psychotic cruelty, but I don't think I'm going to be able to stand it."
Miss Ari shook her head. "I was, but I didn't get time to finish them since I was in the oubliette" (she glared at Jareth) "Someone else must have taken over that part of my job."
Mr. Smith held up his hands, "Don't look at me. I had my hands full getting the buggers registered and taking care of the Roaming Hands. I certainly didn't take charge of the clothes."
"What was wrong with the apparel, Milady?" questioned Didymus, a concerned look on his fox-like features. "I thought that I didst a good job on them. I thought the color wouldst be pleasing to thy fair eyes."
"Good grief. Not only does the fox have impaired smelling . . . but he's color blind as well!" said Hoggel.
"I have an exceptional sense of smell!"
"Yeah, you lived in the Bog of Stench and didn't even notice the Stench!"
"The air was sweet and fragrant!"
"It smelt like shi . . ."
"Ok, then," said Director Fou, interrupting the argument. "I think we better get ready for the Welcome-To-Hell Party."
Later that day at lunch, Ami and a group of students were sitting in the cafeteria bemoaning the fact that they couldn't find something nice to wear to the dance that night. The cafeteria itself was a large room that seemed to be constantly in a state of chaos. There was hay all over the floor that let out a very questionable smell, most likely due to the chickens that were running all around the room. And the food was horrendous. Ami wasn't even sure if it could be called food. So far Ami's experience at the Labyrinth Academy wasn't shaping up to what she had been expecting. She hadn't even had a chance to get Jareth alone.
"I still can't believe we have to wear these," complained Ledderlegs, looking and her uniform. "It's hideous!"
"I believe the color of which you are referring to is called pinlue," said Liliandra. "But I don't believe that a young lady such as yourself should be so rude by critiquing the school's uniforms that the Labyrinth Academy has graciously provided for us. For as my grandmother – a Priestess from Avalon mind you – says, 'A lady of stature shall always be on her utmost behavior, setting example to all who are otherwise not blessed with such civility.'"
"I somehow doubt your grandmother was a priestess of a non-existential place," commented Ami, using her spork to move around some gray, slushy substance on her plate.
"I'll have you know that I can claim the ancestry of two royal elves. One of which, if you must know, is Puck himself!"
"So, wait, did you put elf on your species?" asked Koke. She only had a glass of water in front of her to replace any water that may have evaporated from her during the day. Apparently Water Nymphs didn't need food to function. At the moment Ami was feeling very envious.
"Well, that is what I am," said Liliandra. "Though why I'm in this short and not in my true form is somewhat of an enigma to me."
"Hey, aren't there elves in the Labyrinth movie?" asked Becky.
"I don't think so," said Ami.
"What about Arwen?" asked Crossy. She looked to be about five, but that was because she wrote 'mentality of a five year old' on her application and the Admissions Staff thought she meant she was five. She looked human enough, except for instead of talking, typed words popped out of her mouth and floated in the air until everyone had read it, often flashing or in bright pinlue letters. This was because she wrote 'Homo Scriptus Fanficcandus' as her species, thus further confusing the Admissions Staff.
"Arwen is not in the Labyrinth. That's Lord of the Rings," said Ledderlegs.
"No. Arwen and Young Tom Riddle were about to get married in the Castle Beyond the Goblin City but they were overrun by ewoks and . . ."
"What about the pavement elves?" asked Becky.
"The pavement elves?" asked Ami. "What the heck are pavement elves?"
"Well, I do believe that is the name for those strange little creatures that moved Sarah's arrows here there and everywhere in the beginning of the movie."
"Well, now that you mention it, Liliandra does sorta look like one them, only taller and a little more human . . ." Crossy 'said.'
"You know, I'm getting sort of annoyed with the Admissions Staff's sense of humour," commented Koke.
"Does anyone know who the Admissions Staff is?" asked the Jolly Glomper, or Jolly, as she joined into the conversation. Her head bore a strong resemblance to the bird hat the Wiseman wore (half bird demon), only she had sharp pointy teeth (quarter vampire), although the rest of her was relatively human, with the exception of lots of feathers and tiny wings that stuck out through a hole in the back of her uniform.
"That's what I'd like to know," said Crystalline from where she sat in her crystal ball next to the salt shaker. She put down the "physical manifestation of Crystal Magic," and the Admissions Staff decided that meant she lived inside a crystal ball. "Now I know what a gerbil feels like when people put them in those plastic circle things to run around in."
Ami shook her head a bit with amusement, before she got up to put her tray away, leaving those who put something down other than human on their application complain to each other. Glancing around the room, she was a bit irked to notice that the staff was eating recognizable food. Not only that, but the epitome of evil, Sarah Williams, was sitting between Jareth (drool), and Mr. Smith (he's a freaky guy, though Ami. An unwitting growl escaped her throat as she imagined the violent death of Sarah.
"You don't like them either, huh?" asked a girl coming up next to her to dump her tray, gesturing towards the general direction Sarah was sitting. She had blond hair, multi-colored eyes, and poofy, rock star hair; basically a girl Jareth.
Thinking that she was talking of Sarah, Ami nodded, "God, I just wished they'd suffer sometime."
The girl nodded eagerly. "Me too. I'm Aier by the way."
"Ami."
"So, how about we do something to take our revenge out on them tonight?" asked Aier, an evil glint in her eye.
Ami smiled. "I think that is a wonderful idea." So Aier might look like she was a Jareth fancier. She'd work with her to eliminate Sarah, then come up with some way to eliminate the competition.
The hour of the dance couldn't come soon enough. All around the dormitories, fan girls were running everywhere trying to find someway that they could look attractive with their pinlue uniforms. Which of course, was rather impossible, considering the fact that the color pinlue had the annoying tendency to bring out all facial defects out. Ami often found herself wishing that she put down her make-up as her favorite item instead of that Disney clock. Anything to help hide what looked suspiciously like pimples that were beginning to appear on her skin. And she thought those would only be a problem of her teenage years. When she wasn't doing that, she was scheming with Aier on their plan to take down Her.
Eventually, however, the dance did arrive and somehow all the students were able to get themselves to appear the best they could, all considering. Of course, there was the slight problem that nobody could find their left shoe, so everyone ended up going to the dance in their socks or with only one shoe on, (the dance was held in the cafeteria, and even though it had been cleaned up and chickens removed, Ami still didn't want to risk walking into essence of chicken shit in her bare feet. Disgusting.
Obviously whoever was in charge of food decided to be a little more lenient towards students tonight, so the appetizers actually resembled food. Of course, Ami speculated, this could be because the staff was here and they wanted something decent to eat. Nevertheless, she wasn't about to complain, and took the opportunity to stock up on all the food that looked like it would store easily for munching at some later date when the cafeteria good went back to crap again.
In one corner of the room, Kitty and Veritas were having an argument about who Jareth was meant to be with Ludo (Kitty's opinion) or The Junk Lady (Veritas's opinion). Sarah (Williams) and Hoggle were watching the argument with mixed amusement.
"Does Jareth know about this?" asked Hoggle, barely containing his laughter.
"Nope," said Sarah. "I'm not quite sure which one is worse."
"I'd be tempted to say Ludo . . ." said Hoggle.
Sarah nodded her head. "At least The Junk Lady is female. And vaguely resembles a human. Ludo isn't either."
"I'm shocked by the number of pairings these fan girls give Jareth. It is frankly disturbing."
"I'm telling you, teaching Hopeless In Love 101 is beginning to sound somewhat intimidating. I never realized how obsessed some people were with the Jareth/Sarah paring until today, let alone something like Jareth/Ludo."
"Me and WHO?" asked a voice somewhere behind Ami. Recognizing the voice to belong to Jareth, she spun around with a sigh, ready to charge. However, she wisely decided to stop when she noticed that 'Hoggel' and 'Didamus' were on guard nearby. Just one look at Hoggel was more than enough to convince her that charging was not a good idea at this point in time. Another proposition from a set of floating hands was definitely not on the agenda today.
"You and Ludo, or you and the Junk Lady," said Sarah with a smile. "Who would you prefer?"
"You are talking about dumping in the Bog of Eternal Stench aren't you?" asked Jareth.
Hoggle shook his head cheerfully. "Nope, definitely not. We're talking about sexual relations here."
Jareth stared at Hoggle for a moment, as if he wasn't sure if he was joking. "You're kidding me, right?"
"'Fraid not, Jareth," said Sarah. "There is apparently a big speculation over there about who you'd be better suited to; Ludo or The Junk Lady."
Jareth cringed visibly. "Where do they get those ideas?"
Sarah shrugged. "Who knows?"
"The fan girl mind is a complete mystery," said Hoggle.
"Well I believe a nice vacation in an oubliette will help cure them of this absurdity," said Jareth, getting ready to storm over.
"Can't we take care of it?" asked 'Hoggel' eagerly.
Sarah gave 'Hoggel' an uncomfortable glance. "I'm not sure if that's necessary."
"I really see no need to get the Roaming Helping Hands into it. They haven't actually said anything offensive yet."
"I beg your pardon, Hogpog, but they have!" said Jareth.
"Aw, shut up, Jareth. All they did was make fun of you. Surely you can handle that?"
A tense silence hang between the two, as Jareth contemplated if it was worth breaking school policy to send Hoggle into the Swamp of Eternal Stench for what he said.
"Hey, if you don't agree with Ludo/Jareth, what about Hoggle/Jareth?" asked Kitty to Veritas, who were both completely oblivious of the doom that was looming nearby, ready to strike. Or in this case, send her to the Bog.
"On second thought, Jareth, I think having the Roaming Helping Hands help out would be very good idea. Teach the students respect," said Hoggle after a moment of shocked horror.
"I quite agree," said Jareth. "Then we can dump them in the Bog of Eternal Stench.
"And dye them pinlue."
"'Hoggel,' 'Didamus,' knock yourselves out," said Jareth, gesturing to the two swarms of Roaming Helping Hands.
"TALLY FORTH!" cried 'Didamus' with a dramatic flare before he charged.
"I'm going to get you my pretty . . ." cackled 'Hoggel,' not far behind. It wasn't long before the screams of Kitty and Veritas could be heard as they were dragged up into the air and where pitched towards the Bog of Eternal Stench.
Ami shook her head, making a mental note to never discuss any 'ships like those around Jareth (Like I would. Jareth and Ludo is just gross). After a few moments of standing there thanking God that she wasn't the one who was pitched to the Bog, Aier came up and said, "I think now would be a good time to put our plan into action."
Ami looked to where Sarah stood, talking to Jareth. Hoggle was off talking to Sir Didymus about something, and the two Roaming Helping Hands that were assigned to Jareth were off disciplining Kitty and Veritas in the Bog of Eternal Stench. It was a perfect moment. I'll have my revenge on Sarah, and Jareth will be full of admiration for me that he will ask me for a date and we'll live happily ever after. "Ok, let's do it."
Together the got their bags of all the stray chicken eggs the found earlier that day and carefully positioned themselves behind the two. Waiting for the two to stand far enough away so that there was not chance that an egg would hit the wrong target, Ami and Aier each grabbed a handful of eggs. When the safe distance had been reached, Aier cried "NOW!" and threw her eggs. Ami immediately joined.
Sarah and Jareth, upon hearing the cry, "NOW!" turned around to see what the upcoming problem was going to be, only to instead be pummeled with eggs. Ami, wondering why eggs were hitting Jareth, (for she was certaintly not throwing them at him), turned towards Aier who was laughing manically saying, "Take that, you throne stealer! No one steals my throne and gets away with it."
"What are you doing?" cried Ami. "I thought we're going after Sarah!"
"I was just about to ask that," said Jareth.
"I thought we agreed Jareth!" said Aier.
"Why would I want to hit Jareth with eggs?" asked Ami. "Sarah is the one who deserves it!"
"Do I have egg yolk in my hair?" asked Sarah. "It really feels like it."
"Yes you do, a big glop of it too!" said Jareth with glee, before realizing that he too had a big glop in his hair. Becoming all serious he turned towards Ami and Aier and said, "What the hell did you think you were doing?"
"Well, I was trying to take out Sarah, because she hurt you and all in the movie. I don't know what Aier was doing."
"I was going after you, Jareth. Because you stole my throne!"
"I stole your throne?" asked Jareth. "Of what?"
"The Goblins. I'm the one who is supposed to be ruling the Goblins! And you took it from me!"
Jareth blinked, obviously trying to figure out what world Aier lived in that convinced her that she was supposed to be the Goblin Queen.
"But we never agreed on going after Jareth!" said Ami, bring everyone back to the original argument.
"Wait a minute here," said Miss Meagan coming over. "What exactly did you say?"
"I said that I was annoyed with them, and I thought we should have our revenge on them," said Aier, pointing towards Jareth.
"And I assumed she meant Sarah, because she was pointing to her."
"I was pointing to Jareth! He was sitting right next to her."
Just as a full out argument was about to break forth, Miss Meagan held up her hands. "Wait, did you use the pronoun, 'them?'"
Aier nodded her head.
"Well that explains everything. Of course, you do realize your problem is due to incorrect pronoun usage. You should have said something along the lines of 'I'm annoyed with him' or 'I thing we should have our revenge on him.' Them would imply more than one individual. This is why God created proper pronoun usage. To prevent these sort of misunderstandings," said Miss Meagan. Shaking her head she muttered, "I see I'm going to have my work cut out for me in class tomorrow."
"Well, now that we know why we have been bombarded with eggs, I think it is time for these two to take a nice vacation in the Bog of Eternal Stench," said Jareth.
"And then I'm voting for a shower," said Sarah. She glared at Ami, "I warn you never to do that again, or you'll find your time here to be worse then any preconceptions of Hell you might have."
And with that lovely threat, Ami found herself being propelled into the air by 'Hoggel' who was laughing manically. "This is going to be fun!" he said.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" cried Ami before she found out just how bad the Bog of Eternal Stench really smelled.
In one corner of the cafeteria, Miss Ari and Director Fou sipped Diet Cokes while watching more students take a trip to the Bog of Eternal Stench. "Over all, I think the party was quite a success, don't you?" said Miss Ari.
"Oh, I quite agree," said Director Fou. "You really outdid yourself. Though we'll need to make sure we work on security. Those two shouldn't have been able to throw those eggs, let alone have them hit their targets before the Roaming Helping Hands intervened."
Miss Ari nodded. "Your right. I'll talk it over with Mr. Smith. Maybe he'll have some ideas. You know, make sure that there are Roaming Hands surround Jareth at all times."
Director Fou smiled, "I do believe life is going to become quite the merry little hell for students in not too long."
A/N:
Ok, my beta is away on hiatus, so she can't answer her e-mail or visit me until late August. So please forgive any errors I may have overlooked. I will send this chapter to her as soon as she gets back, and hopefully she will be able to edit.
Also, the Labyrinth Academy website is almost finished, and is sitting on my computer with only a few minor adjustments that need to be added before I find someone to host it. I'll probably end up using my yahoo account. However, if anyone has anything they'd like to send, like fan art or whatever (goodness knows I'm not going to inflict my art skills on anyone), I would appreciate it. So far there is a staff listing, student roster, a copy of the Labyrinth Academy, and a link to Miss Cam's website on it. If anyone has anymore ideas, e-mail me at the generalfoufou yahoo . com (take out the spaces).
Finally: There is stilllots of room to enroll into the Labyrinth Academy. Simply copy the set of questions posted in chapter one, then answer themthe way your character would, then e-mail it to me. Please, don't post via reviews. has a policy against interactive stories,and I'll get kicked off if you do it that way.I'm sorry that I wasn't able to fit everyone into this chapter, but rest assured, everyone will get mentioned at some point in time in the course of this story. Please be patient.
Thanks to those who reviewed:
aier of mirkwood: For Karen, I think she was just stressed out in the movie, and Sarah was just full of some teenage angst. Karen will be appearing in later chapters though.
Queen of the Damned Lilly: I'm sorry, but uniforms are a must. (Though I might see if Miss Ari can change the color)
dreamoon: Hee hee. Um . .. so you could see Jareth? Hope you like the chapter
Ledderlegs: Glad you like it.
hippie99: The spelling of 'Sara' really annoys me too. Hope you enjoyed this chapter.
cooncat: I have gone back and fixed the little mistakes. My beta is not a big LOTR fan, so you'll have to forgive her for no noticing, and forgive me because I . . . um . .. ok, I'm to blame.
AngelwingsDevilhorns: So your Koke. Hello. Sorry about misspelling your cat's name. I'm glad you liked the whole liquid thing. It was just of my random ideas that I thought might work.
Lady of the Labyrinth: Yes, brownie points for Hoggel. (Slaps herself on the head for making that mistake). The kiddie pool is pinlue. A color of the Labyrinth Academy world.
The Jolly Glomper: Thank you. I hope you liked your part in this.
fracturedreality04: "In sleep he sang to me, In dreams he came . . ." I'm o POTR fan right there with you. Read the book, seen the musical, watched the movie . . .
Madd Hatter: Ok, I shall put the top hat in when you make your appearance. (Probably next chapter).
Original Cliche: Hormones are an amazing thing I'll have to agree. And Phantom of the Opera is the best.
Xanda: A little, but is nothing that I can't work around.
Midnight Lady: Yeah, I'll probably use mistakes on the parents name, since they do actually have names in Labyrinth Cannon. And, as you can see, your Didamus made an appearance in this chapter. As to you question about guy Labyrinth authors; I was reading the reviews for "A Forfeit Of Dreams" by K.L. Morgan (Which I highly suggest reading, it is definitely one of the best Labyrinth fics I have ever read) and one of her reviews was to a male Labyrinth author. I'm not quite sure what angle a male Labyrinth author would go with, but I decided to leave the possibility open for anyone who might want to join.