Lord of the Rings: Compton Style!
It all started on a hot summer day, when three of the oddest bunch you could see walked into Compton, Bag End. One was a ranger, fielding Aragorn rings as well as a totally tricked out horse upgraded with louder whinnying noises, gold armor, as well as yes hydraulics. Next was a dwarf with a 24 carrot gold chain necklace saying Gimli. His axe also had some bling attached with his father's name Gloin, inscribed on his axe. Last but not least was an albino pansy elf. Legolas was a little white boy that had been spoiled all his 1,000 years as a child. He had to creep in the shadows because he sunburned too easily.
"Aragorn I'm scared" whispered Legolas.
"What of white boy?"
"The sun of course, but there is a bunch of gangster hobbits in the woods that look like they want to shank me."
"Oh those guys well um, here take my horse and then they won't shank you."
"Well what about you, now you have nothing gangster."
"What are you talking about fool; I'm their weed supplier they'd never take me out."
"Oh, ok and what does this button do."
"Yo don't press that"
Then suddenly Aragorn's horse Brego began doing his hydraulics. Up and down, Up and down.
"I'm getting dizzy, how do I stop" Legolas wheezed.
"Idiot you interrupted my daily hour of pot smoking." Gimli said.
"Calm down Legolas, just stay calm as me and Gimli totally abandon you." Aragorn said. "Hey dude let's go leave the white boy elf behind."
"You said it brother. Let's go."
"No don't leave me with the gangster hobbits. NO!
Fortunately for Legolas he learned how to operate Brego and made it out of Compton alive.
"Hey Aragorn I made it out, where are we going."
"First give me my horse back next; we are going to Rivendell where we catch up with our brothers"
Rivendell and the council of smugglers
It was a musty day in Rivendell when the top smugglers of each nation came to discuss current business. There was Elrond of Rivendell, Boromir of Gondor, and then our three adventurers Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli.
"S'up Elrond how's it hanging." Aragorn said.
"Aragorn, business is terrible, Sauron has cracked down on us and now we can't get the intoxicating beverages to the dealers."
"NOOO!" Gimli yelled in pain, "I need my intoxicating beverages, find some way to ship them please, I beg of you"
"There is more bad news, the ring has been found." Elrond said
Everyone gasped as they heard what they had feared for a century.
"The ring has been found, are you sure? Boromir asked scared to receive an answer.
"Yes it has been found."
"Hey Aragorn I'm not following this, I mean who is Sauron, and why is the Ring so scary." Legolas asked
"You've never seen The Ring, I mean come on its been out for years I mean the girl climbing out of the well, dude that freaked me out seriously."
"That's the ring?"
"Nah it was real movie but, I was just messing with you but here is the true story, Sauron is the man that keeps us down. He constantly trying to destroy our smuggling operation, unfortunately he runs a strict ring of Orc police the OPD, those guys are idiots but physically intimidating idiots. A millennia ago, he created a detector, now it could find any of our hideouts, tunnels, slaves, employees, any of our stuff all from Mordor. But there were some who resisted. A last alliance of Gangsters and Smugglers went to Mordor and took the Ring but they were unable to destroy it."
"Why couldn't they destroy it?"
"Shut up I'm telling the story, and come on would you destroy a tight piece of bling like that it would have broken their hearts, well it was hidden and we were safe again but apparently the ring has been discovered, and even though Sauron does not have it, it calls to him. He has dispatched his Swat team, the Nazgul to find the ring so he can eliminate us gangsters and create a peaceful and good society."
"Ok I get it now."
Aragorn decided to ask Elrond the question on everybody's mind, "Why don't we go Mexico again, then Sauron can't find us."
Elrond responded, "Maybe," then he had a sudden flashback, "No, absolutely not, we are not going back there again. Do you hear me, not again?"
"Then we have to stay here." Somewhat deflated Aragorn said.
Boromir stood pushed out his chest and stuck a toothpick in his mouth, "By the blood of our people, so you guys that have hangovers that means gondor. are your smuggling rings kept safe, Let us use the ring against Sauron."
"Well uh, how?" Elrond asked.
"Oh you see I haven't gotten past that part yet, but I'll think of something eventually."
"We have but one choice, to continue our cruel and highly despicable way of life, the ring must be destroyed." Elrond declared.
"None of us can carry it though" Boromir said, "Only a white guy can even hold the ring for more than a day."
"Well that is what the pansy elf is for; he can do it because he is a white boy."
"Well what would I have to do?"
"You need to go to the farthest corner of Mordor, where you must toss the ring into a waterfall of pure filtered water, where the ring will be unmade."
Legolas replied with a light, "Okey-dokey artichokey."
"One does not simply walk in to Mordor, the air is clean so those of us addicted to tobacco related items, basically all of us, with hardly be able to breathe, there is also at least 10,000 of the OPD with at least every ten owning a Nazgul for patrols." Boromir said in exasperation.
"It must be done" said Aragorn, "Gimli and I shall accompany Legolas in his journey."
"What! I don't want to go with the elf." Gimli whined.
"If you do it I'll give you five barrels of German Beer and a thirty pound weed barrel."
"I want half up front."
"Deal, but you can't use any of it because we can't carry them around."
"Dang it, just give it to me when we get back."
"Alright we're ready."
"Farewell brave gangsters hopefully we can meet again during better business." Elrond ended.